Chapter Twenty

Natasha

I sit and listen as my little homemade family argues. We have been safe here, in this compound, together. Now the world is looking at us with a hard and critical eye and wondering what to do with our band of misfits. I feel fear in my chest at the implications of that. I listen to Steve and Tony argue as if they are on different sides. Yes, they have always been Ying and Yang but this... this seemed different. This felt different.

It was Tony's words that hit home for me. Seemed to come crashing down on my head. "If we don't do this now, it's gonna be done to us later. That is a fact. That won't be pretty."

"You're saying they will come for me?" Wanda speaks and everyone looks at her but I find my eyes going to Steve. If we do what he wants and refuse to sign, we will be outside the law on this. Once again I will be on the wrong side of the coin. And Tony is right, the UN won't let that stand, the whole world will come for us. That doesn't scare me. But it does make me afraid for Steve. They will want him most, every government will want to have him in their back rooms. To replicate him. Look at what happened to Bruce, who was trying to recreate the serum purely for scientific reasons...But if they had Steve? They would strap him down... Want to dissect him, to understand him. And as if traveling back in time, in the blink of an eye, I can feel the straps over me, holding me down, so they could use my body for their own purposes. My heart starts to pound thinking about that happening to Steve, or Wanda or Vision. But especially Steve, he is who I can see in my mind's eye, screaming in agony, begging to die. Because surely, if they can't make us fight for them, can't control us, we will become expendable.

"We would protect you." I hear Vision say to her. We would try and protect everyone, but would it work? We have tried to protect the Earth too, and even then there were casualties. Now we are in the fallout. Will we be the next ones?

I swallow and start speaking, "Maybe Tony's right," Steve's head swivels around to look at me and his lips part only slightly. Taken aback by my words, understandably. It shocks even me that I am saying this but that fear, I feel it in my chest. I want everyone to stay safe. I need him to understand that. And I find myself speaking as if only to him. Like we are the only two people in the room, "If we have one hand on the wheel, we can still steer. If we take it off..." My words drift off as I recognize the deep sadness in his eyes. I've seen it before. On the Lemuarian Star, when he found me on the bridge, colouring outside the lines. That feels like a lifetime ago. I hate to think I am disappointing him again, and he is right in a lot of ways and I want to agree with him. But I want to keep him safe more. Safe is the most important thing.

Sam stands right behind Steve and says incredulously to me, "Aren't you the same woman who told the government to kiss her ass a few years ago?"

I feel it all getting out of control, and I need them to understand, they need to hear what could happen. They don't know because they have never been where I have been, they haven't been behind the curtain in the rooms where the dark deeds take place. "I'm just..." I find Steve's eyes and I try again, "I'm just reading the terrain." I lean forward and hope he understands what I am saying, "We have made some very public mistakes." I stare at him, feeling as if I am almost begging for him to understand me, "We need to win their trust back."

I feel Tony's eyes on me and I instantly know I am gonna hate what is coming, "Focus up. I'm sorry. Did I just mishear you... Or did you just agree with me?"

"I want to take it back now." I shake my head looking at him, this is gonna be worse than when Steve said 'Language'... To us.

"No, you can't take it back now. Thank you. Unprecedented." Tony looks exactly like a cat that's gotten into the cream. I am instantly shaking my head. "Okay, case closed. I win."

I take a deep breath trying to calm my already frayed nerves, when I see Steve take his phone out of his pocket. I find myself watching him, I can't help it. As he looks at the screen, his whole body tenses. And then, in an infinitesimal moment, his whole body seems to sag under some enormous weight. A voice in the back of my head nags me that no one else would watch him, or notice those micro-movements. But I ignore it, concern washing over me.

"I have to go." As he says the words it is as if they are hollow, and before anyone even has a chance to ask what's going on, he is up and out of his seat and walking away from all of us. And I find the concern is turning into a hot ball of fire in my chest as I watch his back retreat.

I stare at the Accords on the table of the boardroom and find myself feeling numb. Like I was stuck waiting for the other shoe to drop, unsure as to how we got to this place, in the mere blink of an eye.

"You did the right thing, Nat." Tony comes to stand beside me and his hand lands on my shoulder.

"For some reason," I look at him shaking my head, "That doesn't make me feel any better."

Tony shrugs but his hand leaves my shoulder and puts it in his pocket instead. "Trust me, this is what we need. What the Avengers needs. It was only a matter of time."

I look up and see Rhodey and Vision talking to each other, the absences seem loud and unusual. "Is that what we are now? Is this the Avengers?" I ask him looking back into his eyes and I see he is looking at the nearly empty room as well. But he turns and smiles at me. Confident as ever.

"It's just gonna take some time. These sorts of changes always do. Doesn't matter, we've got it. The world is alright, for now. So, we will just have to convince everyone." I don't like that word, convince, but I do my best to ignore it. "Cap is just an old man stuck in his ways." I chuckle at Tony's sentiment, "And let's face it, when he signs, everyone will sign. Like little domino's."

"Wow, that is big of you to admit," I tease.

He simply rolls his eyes scoffing, and coughed something that sounded strangely like 'Bigger man,'.

I nod and smile at Tony, as I reach for my trench coat, "I have to go."

"Oooh, where to? Hot date? Tell me it's a man, please, I am starting to get concerned for you."

I roll my eyes at Tony's antics, "If it was, you are the last person I would share that information with." I shrug on my coat.

"Probably a safe bet, albeit a boring one. From what I've heard I am a terrible gossip."

"I'll see you later Tony." With that I turn and walk away from him.

I stand in the back of the church, I have no desire to be seen here. I feel like an intruder, a spy on all these peoples grief but I couldn't seem to stay away. As I was flying the Quinn Jet to London I tried to talk myself out of my big idea. But I couldn't seem to persuade myself not to come.

I had to be here for him. He deserved that. Since I seem capable of disappointing him in almost every other way.

I take a deep breath as I watch her give the eulogy from the pulpit. I find myself pursing my lips, and my hands tightening into fists in my pockets, my fingernails cutting my palms. So, Nurse Sharon, the infamous Agent 13, was none other than Peggy Carter's niece? I wonder vaguely how they managed to keep that a secret. I suppose Peggy had a lot to do with that. I suppose Fury knew as well. It certainly wasn't in any of the files, not one mention.

I feel like an even bigger fool now, pushing Steve at Sharon. It's almost laughable, of course I pick a descendant of his, what soul mate? That is who I pick to set him up with. That is the one that seemed to stick. Fuck.

But it's not my place because he isn't mine. I am lucky to be his friend. But then I think about him taking me up on my offer of dinner.

"Um, I was just wondering, if you wanted to have dinner." He had stared at me like it was a complicated question, but then I had realized what a vague question that was. Like was that 'do you want to eat dinner' in general? With whom? Obviously we had already had dinner that night. So, I added like an idiot, "With me."

His face went completely blank, "Uh-"

I instantly realized this was a mistake. Why on earth would I think this was a good idea? Just because these last few months had been so good... And what he said about back in Sokovia and Bruce... I mean that was a long time ago. I force a smile on my face, which isn't that hard cause, I mean I kinda wanna just burst out laughing at my own ridiculousness. I look down at my bare feet and shake my head, "I mean, don't feel like you have to or anything we could-"

"No!" He suddenly barks, I look up at him and he looks... Nervous? He sends me a half smile and I feel myself holding my breath, "I mean, yes. That would be-" He hesitates and I wonder how he is going to finish, a business dinner? A friendly outing? "Nice." He settles on.

Nice... huh.

Nice is good. I'll take nice. People have called me a lot worse, nice is something I am usually striving for. So, like a total goon, I find myself smiling at him, "Alright," I turn letting out my still held breath, deciding to leave now before I mess it up because really, I can hardly believe it's real, "Night Steve," I say over my shoulder.

"Night Nat,"

That seems like so long ago. Like going out to dinner with him was this childish dream I had and now I have woken up. Back to reality.

The service ends and I step out of the way. Out of sight. I don't want to have to make any kind of awkward chit chat about how I may or may not have known Peggy Carter. I find myself, from my hiding place, looking at the big picture of her up front. I never met her. Probably for the best really. I was already pathetically jealous of her connection with Steve and how messed up was that? They were madly in love with each other I assume, Steve is pretty tight lipped about it all, and she thought she heard him die. Only to be reunited a lifetime later, after she had gone on with her life, had late on-set dementia and was just about to die? But still, she held his heart above all others... And I envy her for it.

I envy her for a lot of things.

I am a lost cause, envying a dead woman.

The church clears and I see Sam walk out the doors alone. I am glad he came with Steve. Glad he had someone with him. I think briefly about leaving, knowing he had Sam here with him, kind of defeated my original reason for being here. But the thought simply passes through my mind fleetingly.

And suddenly, it's quiet. The church is empty except for us and I feel the gravity of that. I see how alone he looks, up there, alone, his back to me. And I find myself worrying. I take a deep breath. There isn't any point to it. Worrying. So why bother? Just be here, right now. For him.

As I exhale, I take that first step and find myself walking towards Steve.

He turns when he hears me, and just stops. His face looks open, and surprised. Even from here I can see how blue his eyes are. He takes a breath, and almost seems to shake himself, looking at the ground, turning to lean on the pew behind him.

He starts talking to me, looking up at her picture. Before I am even fully at his side, he is talking, "When I came outta the ice, I thought everyone I had known was gone." He looks up at her picture, "When I found out she was alive... I was just lucky to have her."

I look from her picture, and I feel so happy he is talking to me. Even though I know he knows where I was... signing the accords. He is still talking to me. "She had you back too." I find myself speaking the shockingly honest words, but I find I also I don't care, I just want to be honest with him. He looks down, but I find I don't stop talking, "After everything happened with S.H.I.E.L.D." He looks up at me and I lean back against the pew behind me, "During my little hiatus, I went back to Russia," I cross my arms over my body, feeling vulnerable, even now, "To try and find my parents." I find myself still winded by the reality, and look away from his eyes, shaking my head, "Two little grave stones by a chain link fence." I pause thinking back to that cold, snowy day. I shake my head though, and remember that this was for Steve. "I pulled some weeds, and left some flowers." I swallow and look up at him. "We have what we have when we have it." I think about having his trust, and his friendship.

He takes a breath before saying, "Who else signed?"

I feel myself want to flinch, want to suck in a big breath but I don't, controlled facade as usual. "Tony, Rhodey...Vision." I smile at him.

"Clint?" He asked.

I shake my head a little as I say, "Says he's retired," and I hope for my friend that that is true. He deserves it.

Steve looks down the aisle, "Wanda?"

"TBD," I say without hesitation, seeing the concern in his eyes. Steve looks at the ground. I find myself hoping, something I am usually not in the habit of doing. "I'm off to Vienna," I find myself saying. I don't know what's going on but since I asked him to dinner it's like I have no filter with him, "There's plenty of room on the jet," I say, and my voice seems hopeful even to me. He sighs as he stares down at his shoes. And I want him to understand me, I step towards him hoping he listens to me,"Just because it is the path of least resistance, doesn't mean it's the wrong path." And like that he looks up at me. "Staying together is more important than how we stay together." There it is, out in the open. Laid bare for all to see.

"What are we giving up to do it?" He asks me, and I want to say so many things, but nothing seems right. Nothing seems like it will help. I want to say I am so scarred of waking up the villain again. I want to tell him I want to protect him, from what could happen. But I know, even as I find the courage to look back up into his eyes that nothing will change his mind. It's why he's Steve. It's why he's the Captain. It's why I love him. "I'm sorry Nat." I feel the cold wrap around me, and he says what I knew he would, I cross my arms over my body again, "I can't sign,"

I look back at him, and when I look at him... I just shake my head, "I know," I say softly.

He raises his eyebrows at me slightly, "Then what are you doing here?" He asks, his voice low.

I stare back at him, and I find myself saying the most honest thing I have ever said to him. "I...didn't want you to be alone," I feel the words fall from my lips and I feel exposed, but I don't care because I realize how much I trust Steve. He looks at me, and his face is open. And I find I can't read his expression but I don't care, and don't think about it before I step up to him. I reached up and wrap my arms around his shoulders. I find him stepping up, standing up from against the pew, as he wraps his arms around me.

I feel his arms around me, holding me, and for just a second I allow myself an indulgence. I savour the feeling of being in his arms. Feeling his heart beat against me, the smell of his skin and his hair. Steve... I know this moment is fleeting and the fear that has lingered in my chest feels so real I want to gasp. Even as I stand here holding him tight, I feel like we are being pulled apart, by the world, by circumstance and I wonder if I will ever find myself here again, in his arms. Regardless it is more than I ever expected of deserved. Now I will have to deal with the aftermath.