Everything was a mess. That was all Zuko could think as he watched Katara and Sokka hug in what looked more like a collision of desperation than an embrace between siblings. The relief that should have been granted from reuniting with everyone had been overshadowed by the approaching threat. Azula was on the move and now they knew she had an army to back her up. If they didn't act quickly, Ba Sing Se was going to fall and take them all with it.
The five of them wasted no time in hurrying to the palace on Appa and gathering before the king. Iroh and Biyu were also there, along with Gan and a few of the personal guards. Sokka quickly explained the situation. He finished by telling them that Enlai and Ju Long had gone to the Inner Wall to rally people to defend it. If they could just stop the tanks from reaching the main part of the city, he thought they might have a chance.
"The problem is the rebellion," Mai said. "Princess Azula timed everything so that people would be too caught up in fighting each other to stop the army's advancement."
Katara's expression steeled. "So we stop the revolution. Get people on the same side."
"That would be ideal," Sokka agreed, "but no one wants to listen. Mai and I were already trying to persuade the rebels to stop fighting before you guys found us. Most just ignored us. Some even accused us of being spies who'd been sent by the Dai Li to sabotage the rebellion."
Gan folded his arms across his chest. "That means we can't pull back either. We'd be overrun by rebels the moment our backs are turned."
"Got it in one," Sokka said.
"Then what are you suggesting?" Iroh asked. He sounded genuinely curious.
"I do have a plan, but we're going to need a lot of earthbenders. And Toph." Sokka looked around the throne room. "Where is she anyway?"
There was an awkward silence.
"What?" he said. "What's wrong?"
"I don't know if you can count on Toph for this one," Katara said, lowering her gaze. "She … she hasn't been the same since the Dai Li took her."
"What do you mean?"
Zuko shook his head. "Talk to her yourself. You'll understand."
Sokka looked as if he'd been punched in the gut. "You're serious, aren't you? But we need her. She's the key to this whole plan!"
"Then you'd better start thinking of a new one," Zuko said bluntly. "We can't force Toph to fight if she doesn't want to."
What he didn't say was that he wasn't sure if they should even ask Toph to fight. She didn't need to deal with that pressure of having to make a choice. Not in her current condition.
"My nephew is right. It's unfortunate, but we probably won't be able to depend on the Avatar or Toph for support in this battle. So let us think of what we can do. You said you need earthbenders. King Kuei can offer you that." He glanced at the king. "Isn't that right?"
"Uh, yes." Kuei straightened a little on his throne. "Most of the troops are fighting the rebels, but many of them are earthbenders and we could at least call back the Dai Li."
Biyu nodded. "That could work. Plus, if we get the Dai Li to focus their attack on the Fire Nation army, it might make it easier to calm down the rebels."
Iroh smiled and turned back to Sokka. "You see. Now how about you tell us the rest of your plan?"
Sokka still looked a bit deflated, but he pulled himself together and explained his idea for stopping the tanks. It was pretty straightforward: reinforce the Outer Wall and then trap and destroy what had got through with bending and whatever else was at their disposal. The others chipped in with their own thoughts for how they could turn the tanks to scrap metal if Toph couldn't help them. Soon, they had a rough working plan and roles were assigned.
"It looks like we're all going to be separated again," Katara murmured.
Zuko glanced down at her. "You don't have to stay here with us. If you want to go with your brother, I'm sure—"
"No. I'll stay."
She didn't say the words, but the way she brushed her fingers against his told him what she was thinking. They all knew Azula was on her way to the palace. Iroh and Zuko had been asked to defend the king and Aang since they were the only ones who could redirect lightning. That wouldn't have been an issue if Iroh was actually at full power, but Iroh was still recovering from chi drain. Katara's touch was a silent reminder that she would have Zuko's back no matter what.
He returned the gentle pressure of her touch. Their eyes met for a moment before they both let go and turned to join the others in preparing for the upcoming battle.
Shizue approached Zuko not long after and gestured for him to follow. Without a word, he walked with her until they were standing together outside the throne room. They hadn't had a chance to speak properly, but he'd realised that her memories had not returned. Still, she had to have remembered something since she'd been calling him "pale-eyed one" the whole time.
For a long moment she just stared at him. Zuko shifted on his feet and tried not to look as uncomfortable as he felt. Even if this woman had helped to raise him, it had been many years since those days, and he wasn't sure how to act around her now. She seemed so different from the Shizue he had known.
"I want to make something clear," she said in her brusque way. "I don't care what happens to this city or that fool of a king."
Zuko's eyes widened.
"The only reason I have cooperated so far is because the scraps of memories I have reclaimed tell me that you are the key. You are the answer to everything that doesn't make sense in my head." She held his gaze steadily, even as his heart thumped a bit faster in his chest. "Why do you think that is?"
He swallowed. "I can't say for sure. I've only just started piecing things together myself. To be honest, before I learnt the Dai Li had rewritten your memories, I was hoping you would have answers for me."
"Like your sister. She asked about your mother. She said I served her once."
"Yes."
Emotion flickered in her hard shell of an expression. "I don't remember her. I don't remember anything."
"When this is over, I'll heal your mind and return your memories."
Now it was her turn to widen her eyes. "You can do that?"
"I have to," he said grimly. "You're not the only one who needs answers. I'd heal you right now if I could, but the drain is too much. We have to stop my sister first."
Shizue nodded. "As I thought. Very well, I will fight for you and your friends today. Sokka believes I will have better luck persuading the rebels to stop fighting since I led the vanguard. I will do what I can, but you'd better still be alive when I come back."
"Don't worry. I don't plan on going anywhere. You just take care of yourself."
A faint smile curved her lips. "Of course."
He watched her walk off to meet with the soldiers heading to the wall. Then he turned and went back inside the throne room. He had his own preparations to finish.
oOo
Toph sat perfectly still. She could hear Aang breathing on the bed not far from her. Momo sat on her lap, a warm presence soothing some of the tightness in her chest with each stroke of her fingers along his fur.
She wasn't stupid. She knew what was going on in the city, even if she had kept her thoughts to herself and her seismic sense to a minimum. Being blind didn't mean she could shut the world off. Staying in this room didn't mean she could shut the world out. Like the memories that clung to her of that little box she'd been trapped in and of the people whose bodies she had impaled and snapped, it all forced its way in. A battle. A struggle. A fight she had used to yearn for just to prove she wasn't that fragile girl.
"What are you doing?"
The voice—Katara's—came from beyond the door. Toph only heard two sets of footsteps: Katara's own familiar tread, while the light but sure-footed gait of the other sounded a lot like Sokka. Then he spoke and confirmed her suspicion.
"I'm going to talk to Toph. I know what you guys said, but she's the only one who can metalbend."
"I'm not sure that's such a good idea."
"I still have to ask."
There was a pause. No more footsteps. Toph could have tapped her foot to see what they were doing, but she preferred the dark nothingness in that moment. There was something about their tones that made her shoulders hunch and her fingers curl into Momo's fur. Something that made her feel like she was a small girl again and listening to her parents discuss what was best for their blind, helpless daughter.
"If you do ask her, she'll probably say yes," Katara said softly. "How can she say no if you make it sound like all of Ba Sing Se is depending on her?"
"How can I not ask when they practically are? If she fights with us, we have a better chance of stopping those tanks with fewer casualties. You saw what she did to the drill and the tanks during the last battle. Think what she could do this time."
"She isn't the same now!" Katara's voice lowered as quickly as it had risen. "You didn't see her, Sokka. She could barely move when we found her. She hardly even speaks to anyone these days. Don't you get it? She's not—"
Toph stamped her foot to open a part of the wall. Sokka and Katara's silhouettes were revealed to her through seismic sense in an instant. Both had been standing close to each other, but now they turned to face her.
"Toph," Katara said with an odd hitch to her voice.
"I heard," Toph said simply.
Katara's heartbeat was erratic. It seemed she wasn't happy that she and her brother had been overheard. Sokka's pulse was also a bit quick, but he was much calmer in comparison. His voice was neutral when he spoke.
"What do you think?" he asked. "Will you fight?"
Toph eased Momo off her lap and stood up. "You need someone who can bend metal to stop the tanks, right?"
"That would be best."
"Then I'll fight."
Katara reached for her. "Toph, you don't need to—"
"I'll be fine," she said, though her heart lurched and rolled in her chest. She would never admit how much that small bit of bending had made her skin crawl and her chest tighten. Not now. So she exhaled and forced a grin to her lips. "Besides, you guys would be lost without me."
The whole beat was off from the style of her usual quips and her grin was as flimsy as a cobweb. She knew it, they knew it, but Katara and Sokka didn't call her out. Oddly, that was somehow worse than when they'd been speaking about her before. The air stunk of pity.
Toph clenched her hands into fists. "Well?" she said gruffly. "Should we leave now?"
Sokka and Katara faced each other for a moment. Expressions meant nothing to Toph. She had never seen them herself and only understood what they felt like from how her own face shaped her emotions. Still, she almost found herself wishing she knew what look they were giving to each other. It really did feel like she was with her parents again. The pity. The silent exchanges in which she couldn't participate.
Was Sokka already regretting his decision to ask her for help? Had he seen the way her hands trembled and how her breathing was so much shallower than normal?
"If you're sure you're up to it, then alright," Sokka said, still keeping that weirdly neutral tone.
Toph raised her chin. "I told you I'm fine. Now stop rabaroofooting around and let's go. We have an army of tanks to stop."
She marched ahead before anyone could speak again. It was harder than expected to keep her chin high. Her chest was seizing up like giant hands were crushing her ribs and lungs. She swallowed and tried to block out the frenetic thoughts racing in her mind. All the memories of a little box and endless thirst, of bones snapping and her own blood spilling out of her as a hateful voice told her she was going to die.
"Toph."
A hand clamped down on her shoulder. Toph flinched. She was surprised to find she was outside now and Zuko was the one standing in front of her and holding her in place. How much time had passed since she had walked away from the room where Aang slept? It was harder to focus these days, even when using seismic sense. Sometimes she just felt like she was moving in a haze. A subtle stamp of her foot confirmed that Sokka was talking to someone near Appa on the other side of the courtyard. There were other people moving about as well. Maybe soldiers.
"I heard you're planning to fight," Zuko said, drawing her attention back to him.
She dug her nails into her palms. "Did Katara tell you?"
"Yes. She's worried about you. We both are."
Her breath caught in her throat. It was different when it came from Zuko. He never spoke as if he pitied her or thought of her like glass. He never tried to wrap her up or shut her away because he thought she needed to be protected. He just expressed his concern and let her make her own decisions about what was best for her. Maybe that was why she had felt safe in lowering her walls to him. He made her feel safe. The problem was that it was so much harder to put on her brave face now.
"The tanks need to be stopped so the Fire Nation doesn't overrun the city," she said, falling back on practicalities. "I can bend metal. I can help."
"That's true," Zuko said, then brought his other hand up so he was gripping both her shoulders. "But this isn't about what you think needs to be done. This is about you. Are you really okay with this? You're going to have to bend."
"It just feels wrong."
Her own confession from that day in the garden came back to her. She blew her fringe out of her eyes and averted her face. "I'm fine. I'll be fine."
"Toph." His voice softened yet his grip didn't loosen. "Just … I don't want you to force yourself. We'll manage, okay? We came up with a plan so you don't have to fight if you don't want to."
"What's with this all of a sudden?" She wrenched herself out of his grip. "I said I'm fine! Are you calling me a liar?"
He stood with his arms at his side, making no attempt to touch her again. "I just don't want you to force yourself. I know what it's like. To feel like you can't bend. To just … hate it."
She froze and tilted her head, curious despite her flare of defensiveness. He hardly ever spoke about himself. Not if it meant showing his vulnerable side.
"I got burned really bad when I was thirteen," he explained. "I couldn't see out of my left eye for months. It hurt all the time. I just … getting burned like that was horrible. I couldn't shake off the memory of that day. I had nightmares practically every night."
Toph let out a breath. She remembered hearing something about how Mai had been given the same injury as Zuko, but being blind had made it hard to fully understand what that meant. She didn't know what he looked like. She didn't know what either of them looked like. People's faces had never really concerned her before.
"Was the burn really that bad?" she asked.
"Yeah. There's a big scar and everything. It's ugly."
Her brow creased. Ugliness was another thing she didn't understand. She stretched out her hand. "Where?"
Zuko inhaled sharply as he realised what she was asking. "Oh. I guess that is the only way you could get a sense of it."
She waited expectantly. He hesitated before bending down so she could reach his face. Her fingers brushed his jaw—smooth as her own. Then the texture changed. It was like leather, rough and uneven and not much like skin at all. She touched both sides of his face so she could compare. The difference was striking. Her fingertips trailed up, lightly tracing his eyes. The left one felt all skewed. Did that impair his vision? She didn't understand how other people's eyes worked. There was no eyebrow on the left side either, just the leathery stretch of skin that kept on going up into his hairline and around to an ear that was all crumpled and deformed.
"It's big," she observed in a small voice.
Maybe it was ugly as well. She didn't know, but she did know that it must have hurt a lot, just as he had claimed. It felt like pain.
"I said it was big," he reminded her.
She paused. His tone sounded unreadable—the sort of calm that can only come after spending years telling himself it didn't matter anymore and there was no point in getting upset. But his heartbeat still stuttered. She realised this was a wound that had never really healed.
Zuko straightened so her hands were forced to slip from his face. "Look, I know our situations aren't the same. I can't pretend to know what it was like for you in that place, but I do understand trauma." He inhaled another breath, perhaps trying to bolster himself so he could be honest with her. "I never told anyone, but after I got burned the smallest spark would make me flinch. I hated it. I hated the idea that people would think I was weak. So I forced myself to get back into firebending training as soon as I could."
"What happened?"
"I froze. I couldn't bend. I couldn't stand watching my opponent bend." He shook his head. "I would have been burned again had my uncle not blocked the attack in time."
Her fingernails dug deeper into her palms.
Zuko placed his hand back on her shoulder. "This isn't a training exercise, Toph. No one will be there to stop the fight if something goes wrong." He tightened his grip. "Just don't rush yourself, okay? If it's too much right now, then stay here. The others will manage without you."
She lowered her face so that her fringe fell forward to hide her expression. "I'll be fine. You don't need to worry."
He was still for a moment. Probably staring at her and trying to gauge if she was lying.
Sokka shouted that they were ready to go.
Toph pulled away from him. "That's my cue."
"Toph."
She paused, her back facing Zuko.
"The Dai Li are going to be there as well," he warned. "They'll be fighting against the tanks with you."
Her chest tightened even more. "I know."
He sighed and muttered something about how he wasn't good at this. "Listen, all I'm saying is it's … it's just different when you're out there actually facing it all again. You think you might be okay now, but that might not be the case then. Just promise me that if it gets too much, you'll get out of there. Okay?"
"Sure thing."
She tried to keep her tone nonchalant. It wouldn't do to let him see that she actually was on edge.
Sokka came over to them. "Ready, Toph?"
"Of course."
He clapped Zuko on the shoulder. "Guard the fort well." He paused as if realising his chipper tone was out of place. "Well, you know what I mean."
Zuko ignored the comment and instead asked if he could talk to Sokka for a sec. Toph had a good idea what it would be about. Zuko was turning into as much of a worrywart as Katara. She felt the boys head out of earshot. A moment later, Mai joined her at her side.
"I didn't think you'd be joining us," Mai said.
Toph folded her arms. "Are you going to tell me to stay behind as well?"
"No. It's not like you'd listen to me even if I did."
"That's right. My mind is made up."
Mai walked towards Appa. "Then let's go. We'll be flying on the fluff ball. The others will make their own path underground."
Toph hesitated only a moment before following Mai. She really had made up her mind. Or at least she told herself there was no turning back now. Zuko had said the others could take care of things without her, that she didn't need to rush herself. But Toph had felt everyone's panic. She had heard the fear lacing their voices.
I'm not rushing myself. I'm just doing what needs to be done.
She was the only one who could bend metal. That would make all the difference in a battle against tanks. No matter what, the Fire Nation couldn't be allowed to take control of Ba Sing Se. Toph had beaten Azula and her tanks before. She could do it again. And this way, maybe no one else had to get hurt. That was enough for Toph to try.
oOo
There were chunks of glowing crystals everywhere. Azula followed the earthbenders as they cut a path through the earth, leading her to the victory that was always meant to be hers. She could almost taste the sweetness of triumph on her tongue.
"Stop!"
A knife struck the wall inches from her face. She repressed a sigh. The earthbenders broke stance and turned to deal with the newcomer, but she held her hand up in a halting gesture.
"Leave this to me," she said. "Just finish the tunnel. I'll catch up soon."
The earthbenders obeyed without a word. They knew better than to argue with her.
Azula turned slowly, forcing a smile to her lips. Jet stood facing her with his hooked swords clutched in his hands. The veins on his arms and neck stood out. He was probably gritting his teeth so hard that it hurt. There was no one behind him.
"You came here alone," she observed. "That's almost an insult."
He tightened his grip on his swords. "What have you done, Ruolan? What the hell have you done?"
"What I always planned to do."
Something flickered in his eyes. Hurt? Anger?
"I assumed since you followed me here that you'd figured it out." She raised her eyebrow. "Am I wrong? Why else would you be all upset?"
His breathing sharpened as he struggled to contain whatever emotions were battling inside him. "Then everything I heard was true? You're really working for them? You're a spy for the Fire Nation?"
"Wrong." Her tone was cold. "They all work for me. Every single one of them. I simply gave the order and the Fire Nation army obeyed."
Jet shifted on his feet and licked his lips. She kept her hands at her sides, giving off the appearance of being unarmed and harmless. He didn't lower his swords, but his expression took on a hint of pleading. He looked like a child who had been told tomorrow was never going to come and just wanted to know it was all a bad joke.
"Ruolan—"
"That's not my name."
It was almost amusing the way a muscle twitched in his jaw. Almost. There was a much greater part of her that was furious at him for coming. If he had just stayed away and followed his orders, there would have been no need for this confrontation. Maybe that was why she decided to punish him.
"Why don't you go ahead and ask?" she taunted. "I know the question is burning the tip of your tongue. You've certainly asked it enough times."
Jet's eyes narrowed. Pain and rage seeped from him. "Who are you?"
His voice was hoarse, almost choked. Yes, he was upset. More than upset. Azula threw salt onto his wounds with meticulous fingers. She smiled and let blue fire bloom into being so that the flames cast sapphire flickers all around them. His eyes widened and then it was like something snapped. He was unravelling before her, a bundle of threads falling apart with each ruthless tug of her smile.
"My name is Azula, daughter of Fire Lord Ozai, and soon to be heir to the throne." She raised her chin. "Now stand down and let me finish what I came here to do. You're no match for me."
Jet trembled, though she knew it was not from fear. "This is what you've been hiding." His whole face seemed to twist and he screamed the next words. "This is who you are?"
She gathered more flames to her hands. "I'm sorry, am I not what you wanted?"
He cried out like a wounded animal and charged. Azula ducked the slashing sweep of his blades. He yelled and attacked again. Fire blasted from her hands in a massive ball of heat. Jet had no chance to dodge. A grunt escaped him as the fireball struck his chest—no, his hooked swords. He'd brought them up at the last second to take the brunt of the attack. Not that it mattered. The force was still too much for him. One of his swords went flying out of his hand and his back hit the wall with a sickening thwack. She watched him slump to the ground.
"Give it up," she said as she walked towards him, fire trailing from her fingers. "I told you you're no match for me."
"You're a firebender! You're one of them!"
He spat the words like thorns stuck in his tongue. For the first time, he looked at her as if she was a monster. That made her pause. He had never looked at her with such hateful eyes. Such damning eyes. His judgement was a knife digging into her ribs, carving deep to get at her heart. It hurt. That made her mad. She was supposed to be in control. This peasant wasn't supposed to mean anything to her.
Her lips thinned. Well, she had always known it would end like this. "Do you regret it now?" she asked cruelly. "Kissing me, being with me? Do you wish you could take it all back?"
He struggled to get to his feet, half pushing himself up on his sword. "Of course I do." His voice thickened, practically dripping with loathing. "The only thing your kind is good for is as a corpse!"
She smiled even as her heart seemed to turn to glass and shatter in her chest. Little bits of it were getting stuck everywhere—in her ribs, her lungs. She didn't understand why it hurt so much to have him confirm what she had already known would be his reaction, and she didn't want to understand. Logic told her she needed to end this. Too much time had been wasted.
"You can't kill me, Jet," she said, shaking her head, "but I can and will kill you if you get in my way."
"Go ahead and try!"
He moved swiftly, the tip of his sword scraping against the ground as he lunged for her face. She stepped back and thrust her hands forward. Blue flames pulsed around her in a shield. He grunted and was shoved back again, feet skidding on stone.
"This is pointless," she said. "Just accept the mercy I'm offering you and go. Believe me, it's not something I extend often."
Jet's only response was a strangled yell. He lunged for her again and again, thrusting and slashing with his hooked sword like a creature that had gone rabid. Azula watched openings pass her by. She could have killed him a dozen times, yet something stayed her hand. An ache. A memory of fire in her veins that had burned hotter than her own.
Of words she had never quite been able to forget.
"You don't have to hide from me. We're the same."
She sidestepped a slash and avoided the elbow that came for her chin, putting up another shield to keep him at bay. What was this hesitation? Why couldn't she just end it?
"Stop deflecting and fight me!" he screamed, spittle flying from his mouth. There was a fractured look in his eyes. "I won't let you walk away from this! I'm going to—"
Azula kicked the sword from his hand with a powered fire blast. A sharp cry escaped him, but she was already grabbing him in a choke hold and tugging his arm up ruthlessly behind his back. His breathing sounded ragged. The scent of him was familiar and made the shattered fragments lodged in her chest throb a little worse.
"You can't," she said coldly. Almost brutally. "You can't beat me, Jet. You never will."
He growled and twisted and struggled. Her throat felt oddly tight, like a lump had got lodged in there. How strange. How strange that these feelings could even exist within her. It was absurd that she found herself almost hoping he'd surrender. This boy was nothing but a useless obstacle now. He flailed in his emotions as pathetically as her brother had done during their confrontations. He was just a peasant. Weak. Worthless.
Why was she holding back?
"Surrender." The words slipped from her lips, harsh and commanding. They tasted like treachery on her tongue. "Just surrender, you fool."
Jet struggled even more. He managed to break her hold and then they were tumbling against the ground, bodies colliding and bruising in sharp edges and points. It was undignified and something that could have been avoided. Her fire was strong. It would burn him so easily. Just as it had done Mai. There was no need for this.
Are you so weak, Azula? a voice whispered in her mind. Will you allow a mere tool to distract you from your goal? Father did not raise such a daughter.
Pain emanated from the place where her heart should have been. That shattered little lump. That useless organ that had never given her anything but trouble. How she hated it. How she hated the people who caused it to stir. Her mother, Zuko, Mai, even Jet.
It's normal to feel pain, her mother's voice slinked through her. This is what it means to be human. This is what it means to care. The heart never lies.
Azula growled and flipped Jet over so that she was pinning him down and straddling his hips. Fire flared in hot sapphire above her palm. He stilled in an instant. She could feel his chest rising and falling rapidly beneath her, feel the thudding beat of his heart. Her own breath came short and fast.
"What are you waiting for?" Jet gritted out. "Do it!"
She swallowed. In that moment she felt less like the princess who knew victory was hers to grasp and more just like a confused, fourteen-year-old girl. The fractured gleam in his eyes had got worse: anger, loathing, but there was yearning as well. He looked at her as if she was a monster. A monster he wanted to kill but still couldn't help desiring.
"You don't have to hide from me. We're the same."
The little fragments in her chest dug holes into her lungs. It hurt to breathe. "You should have stayed away," she said, touching his cheek with the hand that did not cradle fire. His eyelashes fluttered at her touch. An involuntary gesture. "I would have spared you, Jet. I would have let you go."
His expression twisted. She could see that there was an ugly, primal thing in him as well and it couldn't be satiated with her words. It wanted her blood. It wanted every firebender's blood. "I won't stop fighting!" he hissed. "Not if it means letting the Fire Nation win!"
"Then I'll have to make sure you can't fight anymore. Nothing can stand in my way today." She let the flames grow bigger. Hotter. There was an odd prickling in her eyes. "Goodbye, Jet."
He struggled to the end.
She let the flames die when it was over and stood up. The scent of charred flesh stung her nostrils. Azula continued down the tunnel, her steps controlled and purposeful. This was how it was meant to be. How it was inevitably always going to be.
"Nothing can stand in my way," she said under her breath.
The words were becoming a mantra. They also cut her tongue like broken glass.
"Are you proud of me now, Father?" she whispered. "Did I prove my strength?"
Her father's voice didn't respond. In her mind, there was only her mother. Always her mother and the echo of monster, monster, monster. A twisted smile curved her lips. Well, it didn't matter. Being called a monster was nothing new, and she'd see her father again soon enough. For now, it was time to make history.
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