He sat down in his apartment and simply stared at the wall. Part of this New Elliot program was trying to make amends to those around him. He began with those more inclined to listening and forgiving him. He began with his kids and was surprised at just how understanding they could be. They had truly grown up to become amazingly wonderful adults, no thanks to him of course. The next person on his list was the very reason he had great children, Kathy. She forgave him enough to allow him to see Eli on the weekends. From there on he would begin on some of the easier friendships and partnerships he held. His mother was the next person on the list, and so when they began to talk, he kept reminding himself New Elliot was a more understanding person, he had to be. This phone call had lasted an hour over from where he wanted it to go. She began telling him about the new shops along the boardwalk and it went downhill from there. 1:56, he looked at the timer on his phone and finally he was able to get a word in-between the first moment of silence he'd been given.

Mom, this has been great. I actually have to get going though.

He heard a sigh, and then in a slow and almost cautionary voice he heard his mother say something so unexpected, he was still mulling it over now, hours later.

Okay well, I'm glad you're working through your issues Elliot. You're such a good boy, and I'm really glad you are finally living for you. I can only hope you and Olivia find better ground this time around, I'm not a fan of this new boyfriend of hers.

He hadn't asked, he wanted to, but was so shocked that he surprised himself when he simply told his mother he loved her and hung up.

And now here he was, sitting alone in his apartment staring at his wall.

He wanted to ask why Olivia was talking to her, why she didn't like the new boyfriend, who the new boyfriend was. How long they'd been together. Had his mom met him? Why was she meeting Olivia, if she'd met them both?

Even in his own thoughts, the most important question is the one he couldn't bring himself to ask. How was she? He hated how even in his own mind he was a coward. He wanted so much to be there for her, but he couldn't, not while his was this toxic.

He took a drive, absentmindedly ended up at her place, of course. Somehow, when he wasn't plaguing himself with demons, he found her to be his center. Anytime he panicked, he imagined her hand holding on to his gently, her eyes lovingly bringing him back. Now here he is, looking up into her window. The lights are off, and he looks at the clock. 11 PM, she might have caught a case, maybe she's asleep, maybemaybemaybe. He suddenly hates how he doesn't know anything about her life, about what is going on with her. He slams his fists into the steering wheel, and the honk it produces earns him a few glances from people walking by. He looks back up, lights stay off. He takes a minute for his New Elliot breathing exercises, and he finally begins to merge back into the street.

I can't keep doing this he repeats to himself as he watches the lack of lights from within the building. He hasn't seen her, and he feels something is off. He's been here every night this week, no sign of her. He suddenly feels like a stalker, and wills himself to merge out, drive back home. He feels something is off, and he can't shake it, so instead of his apartment he drives to the precinct and waits. Technically, he chuckles to himself, this is home. That's when he sees them, he sees Cassidy and huffs without meaning to. He sees him put his arm on her lower back, guiding her into the seat, and he feels the anger boiling up inside of him. His phone rings and it jerks him out of his anger, he answers without looking. "Stabler"

Hey dad, uhm, how are you?

It's Kathleen, he smiles and for a brief moment loses track of the outside world.

Hey, what's going on?

Dad, are you okay? I mean, you haven't exactly been replying to our messages.

Yeah, I'm fine Kathleen. What's going on?

And suddenly he hears a deep sigh, and the line becomes so silent he looks at the screen to make sure he didn't drop the call.

We're just a little worried dad. You haven't exactly talked to Liv since the kidnapping, and we know that you want to. We just want to make sure you're okay.

When did his kids grow up so much? Become so understanding? Where was he? Oh, right, he sighs into the phone and makes a right while he's following the car. He knows exactly where he was, it's exactly where he is now. Always at a distance, with them and with her.

I'm fine. I'm working up the courage to talk to her, so we'll see how it goes. I promise that I'm fine. And I'm still up for dinner Saturday. Promise.

Kathleen lets out a breath, soft and cautious. He doesn't understand why everyone feels the need to be cautious around him. They say their goodbyes and hang up as he double parks, watching Cassidy park and then walk around to open the door for her. Suddenly he feels an ache in his heart, he doesn't know this Olivia. This, open the door for me and hold my hand while we walk into our place Olivia. He sits in this double park and works on his New Elliot breathing.