Feeling Blue: II

Blue leaned against the outer back wall of his grandfather's laboratory, arms crossed and eyes purposefully unfocused. In his mind, the images of his recent battle against Ethan were still playing over and over. It had been a brutally tough match, and Blue kept scorning himself for not taking the challenge seriously during the beginning of the fight. But would it have really mattered? Probably not seeing as how he had been defeated while Ethan still had one more Pokemon waiting in the wings. With a deep sigh, he slid down the wall into a slump on the ground, letting his head fall between his knees.

"I guess that's it then. If I can't even beat some little Johto Champ, what chances do I really have standing against…Him." Blue began to feel the same emotions from before stirring in his gut. He was recalling the first time he had ever had a Pokemon battle, right here inside his grandfather's lab. How he and Squirtle had defeated their rivals without breaking a sweat.

"Where did I go wrong?" He grumbled while looking up. He froze when he saw his sister staring down at him.

"Blue? What are you doing out here? I didn't know you were coming to Pallet. Is something the matter?"

"Daisy!?" He shouted rising to his feet, "Gosh you shouldn't just sneak up on people like that! Don't you have manners?!"

"As a matter of fact, I do little brother. You on the other hand, what with all that 'smell you later' nonsense, could really work on proper mannerisms. For example, most siblings greet each other with a hug when seeing each other." With that Daisy grabbed her brother and pulled him into a fierce hug, leaving Blue feeling awkward and blank in the mind. "I've been worried about you."

"Worried? About me? Daisy I am fine, I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself. Just because I'm your little brother doesn't mean you need to constantly pretend I am in trouble. Don't forget I was a Champion after all!"

"And I am a master coordinator," she said with a wink, "but that doesn't make me perfect Blue. Well at least not one hundred percent anyway." Daisy gave a giggle while jabbing Blue with her elbow. He knew she meant no harm, but her joke only seemed to further his anxiety.

"Yeah yeah I get it, the whole world gets it. You're a superstar Daisy, and everybody loves you. No arguments there." Daisy scanned her brother, her smile quickly becoming a frown.

"Blue I know that you've been having a hard time lately, and I know your trying to handle everything all on your own and maybe you don't want to hear this but-"

"What do I not want to hear Daisy?!" growled Blue. He couldn't stand this. He was so angry inside that all he wanted was to leave; to get as far away from Pallet Town as he could. Maybe even all of Kanto, but before he could do that… "Look, I just want to break some news to gramps alright. I'm not hear for a pep talk, or for some family reunion. Once we're done chatting I'm gone."

The two siblings stood in silence for a moment. Blue was staring hard at the ground, knowing full well his sister was watching his eyes like she always did. He never could hide stuff from her.

"Grandpa… Should be returning any minute. He's over at Reds old house, talking with his mom about something."

"Reds house?" blurted Blue, his stomach feeling as if it had done a flip. His sister smiled again, which confused and irritated him.

"Yes. I am pretty sure it was something important, but beyond that your guess is as good as mine. If you want to know more, you can ask Gramps when you see him." With that Daisy turned away, heading towards their old home. Just looking at the building filled Blue with so many memories. His childhood, growing jealous when Daisy got her first Pokemon. All those days spent playing outside with his best friend, dreaming of adventure.

"Daisy!" he called after her, causing her to stop in the doors frame. "Alright I'll admit … It was good to see you again." She flashed her brother a warm smile.

"Nobody knows you as well as I do Blue. That's what sisters are for. When you've finally figured this all out and you're ready to talk… And I mean ready, I'll be here waiting." Blue smiled faintly as she disappeared behind the door. Part of him now wanted to join her, to ask her what she meant by that but he knew better.

He decided to wait inside the Lab, expecting to see some of his Grandfathers assistants when he opened the door but only found a dark and empty room. He walked between the tall book laden shelves, noticing the dust that had accumulated. He knew that Oak had become infinitely busier ever since taking that job with the radio in Goldenrod, but this still shocked him. He moved over toward the large empty table at the rooms back, recalling when three pokeballs had sat waiting to be claimed. It had been so much livelier back then.

"Blue? Is that you? What a pleasant surprise!" Blue turned to see his Grandfather as the lights came on throughout the building. Oak looked as if he hadn't slept well in days, and Blue could tell that something was very wrong.

"Gramps? What's going on? you look like your about to have a heart attack!"

"I'm fine dear boy just fine. A little stressed perhaps, but nothing your Grandpa can't handle. What brings you to see me today, shouldn't you be watching the Viridian Gym? I've grown weary of the complaints involving the usual absence from your post as leader."

"Oh sure, Giovanni can leave the gym empty for months but I can't leave it alone for two seconds without someone starting a-" Oak raised his hand for silence, not wishing to argue with his grandson. Blue normally would have pressed the matter just a bit further, but could see now wasn't the time for banter. "Look Gramps I am here actually about that. About the gym."

"I see, is there something wrong with the facility? I told you those spinning puzzles would only get on your nerves."

"No, the facility is fine it's not that it all. I was just, well I was thinking about it and." Blue found himself frozen to the spot. He couldn't believe it, he never stumbled like this. Normally he was confident and secure in his choices but. Now, just like everything else, he was failing.

"My boy, you look rather pale. Are you feeling quite well?"

"Gramps I'm fine, now would you just listen to me!" snapped Blue. Oak let out a long sigh, before gesturing toward a few empty chairs.

"Alright then. What's on your mind."

"I want to resign from my post as Gym Leader of Viridian," said Blue, who had begun to pace rather than sit. "You should find someone else to hold down that old fort."

"What?! Blue I'm must say this is quite a surprise. You seemed so eager to assume the position when I offered it to you two years ago. And what a marvelous job you've done! Fewer gym badges have been passed on through your hands than any other leader in Kanto!" Blue felt his heart sink a little bit. It was true, he had insisted on only accepting challengers at his gym that had acquired all the other badges across the region. But he hadn't done it out of a desire for fighting the strongest trainers. He had done it to prevent another Kanto Champ from rising. The title, the crown. He believed for so long that if anyone were to take it from his rival, that it had to be him. But then Red relinquished the title of champion, and vanished without a trace.

"Look Gramps it's just not my style. I like to have my freedom, to come and go as I please. Not be cooped up in some dingy little hideout waiting for trainers that never come that's all."

"I see. If that is truly the case then of course, you are free to do as you choose," said Oak, "however. Know that I think it would be a horrible waste of talent."

"Oh well we wouldn't want to do anything that displeases you now would we," snorted Blue while turning away from his Grandfather.

"Now hold on just a minute, what on earth is that supposed to mean," said Oak rising to his feet.

"Oh nothing. Just that you probably couldn't stand to see something like this stain that perfect name of yours a second time. I mean I guess I can't blame you. How would people look at the world-famous Professor Oak if they found out that his own grandson, a former champ remembered only for losing his title faster than any other, has now also quit his duty as a gym leader."

"Blue that's not-"

"Poorly if I had to guess. Better start prepping gramps, we wouldn't want one of your little radio flunkeys to catch you off guard on your own show. But hey its fine! If anything, just fall back on talking about Daisy. At least she did her part, right? Three Grand Ribbons at the contest spectacular! In the master class no less!"

"Blue you don't have to compare yourself to Daisy!" But by this point it didn't matter. Blue wasn't listening, in fact he couldn't hear anything. His mind was a deluge and his mouth a faucet.

"Gosh gramps I would never try to stack myself up next to Daisy! I'm not that big of an idiot. I know a waste of time when I see one, and believe me I've been wasting enough of your time already! That's why I'm leaving! You won't have to worry about me embarrassing you or the family anymore!"

In a rather unexpected move Blue found himself suddenly in the grip of his Grandfather whose face had become dark and narrowed.

"Since when have I ever treated you like a waste of time!?" Blue threw his own arms up, pushing Oak back a few steps.

"Geeze, I don't know, how about always looking out after Red instead of me! How about always offering him advice, always praising his efforts while nitpicking mine apart!? How about sending your aides to offer him help all the time, instead of your own Grandson?! You even let him take your second starter after his first gym badge as a reward! All I ever did, I did to make YOU proud of me! and for what? In the end it never mattered, I was always going to be your second place!"

"Blue you know exactly why I did those things for him! The boy lost his father! Can you imagine what that did to him and his mother! Would you have had me do nothing?!" Shouted back the professor. Blue felt his guts turning over and over in rage and despair. He feared he might even vomit.

"No! I didn't mean anything like that. I just meant. I wish that… It would have been nice I guess to know what it felt like to be your chosen one. You used to take me to all those conferences, all those special meetings with the league when I was young. I always thought you wanted me as your protégé. Then one day, you just stopped."

What came next was something Blue could not believe, and could not accept. Tears were clouding over his eyesight, and as his face flushed with embarrassment he tried to hide it from his Grandfather. Oak, who had up until this point been frustrated with his grandson's words, found himself awash with realization.

"Blue. I didn't choose one or the other. I saw two young men with talent. I chose both of you to act as my successors. You were so strong, so confident and always two steps ahead of Red. I thought that you didn't need my help as much as he did…" He rushed over to his grandson, pulling him into a tight hug. All the thoughts churning inside of Blues head; they felt like a pack of wild Primeape begging to be set loose. Unable to keep himself in check any longer, he burst into tears.

"I… I cannot be the Viridian Gym leader anymore. I can't be anything anymore Gramps! Don't you get it?! All I ever did, I did it to show the world that I could be a success just like you. But instead I failed. I've failed at keeping the Oak Legacy, at completing your Pokedex, at everything! Look at me! I can't even keep myself together anymore! I'm just too weak. Too weak to beat Red, too weak to beat that Ethan kid. I don't deserve to be a gym leader any more than I deserved to be champion! I never should have started training Pokemon. My team, they all worked so hard to enter the hall of fame. I pushed them to their absolute limits and for what?! A spotlight never meant to last? I can't forgive myself for what I put them through when in the end. It was me. It was always me. Just like you said two years ago. I never learned how to give them that trust and love. Somethings gone wrong inside me and no matter how hard I try, I can't fix it. I can't-"

Oak held onto his grandson in tight embrace, struggling to fight back tears of his own.

"Oh Blue… Daisy kept telling me that she's been noticing odd behavior coming from you but I didn't think that… I didn't realize that I was." Blue felt his Grandfathers hands move to the sides of his cheeks, raising his face so that he was looking directly into his eyes. "Blue. You know that after all these years, I couldn't be prouder of you. You've become a stronger trainer than I ever was!"

"But it wasn't enough. Ever since the day I lost at the plateau, all I can think about is that battle. About him Gramps! Why did it have to be Red? We were essentially the same at the start. Why is it that he succeeded where I failed? And now this Ethan… He reminded me so much of Red too. They both have this air about them. They radiate strength. I used to think I had that kind of power too but in the end, I was just a fraud."

Oak embraced his grandson again, guilt welling up in his mind. He knew that this was his fault. Though he hadn't meant it, he had placed an impossible burden upon Blue. A standard that no trainer could ever have hoped to fill. Perhaps If he hadn't been so caught up in his research with the Pokedex, then maybe he would have been able to help steer his Grandson towards a happier vision of the future. Or perhaps if he had seen as clearly then as Juniper did in Unova, he would never have given two mere children of eleven Pokemon so that they could leave on their first journey.

"Blue… I am sorry. Sorry for everything that has happened, sorry for what I put you through. It wasn't fair of me to expect so much from you. I was an old fool blinded by my own ambitions. I couldn't see what I was doing to my own family. What I was doing to you. Believe me when I say, it should be me asking for your forgiv-"

The lab door suddenly burst open as a woman with long brown hair came rushing into the building. Blue recognized her in an instant.

"Oak! Lance just called the house! Someone did it, someone finally found him!" Blues heart began racing like a comet.

"Red…"