Lunatism

As if swimming back to the surface of a pitch-black and icy cold lake, Adam's tired mind slowly returned to consciousness. First thing he felt was the cold wind on his naked legs, then his aching limbs and then his still injured feet and one or two new injuries joining the party. Frantically looking around, Adam found himself standing in the middle of nowhere, again! But what was even worse: He was uncomfortably close to a rock ledge on the Ponderosa which was fondly named 'Bone crusher' by their hands.

"Darn it!" Adam cursed while scurrying a few steps away from the ledge which honored its name, and by doing so, tripping in the process and painfully landing on his hide. Rubbing the stinging area, Adam also took in the rest of his body. He was wearing his nightshirt (What a surprise!) and the socks he put on before going to bed. No boots this time as well, but Adam was relieved that his feet were at least a little bit shielded from any further injuries by the thin layer of cotton. Feeling the wetness on his soles seeping through the fabric probably wasn't a good sign though. Lifting his nightshirt up a little revealed bruised knees and shins. His left knee was scraped open but had already stopped bleeding. He had scratches on his arms and his hands were dirty as if they had caught his fall out of reflex more than one time. Drawing a conclusion with the information he had, Adam rubbed at his strained and stiff shoulder absent-minded. It felt like someone's touch still lingered there, but when Adam tried to search his memories for an explanation, he couldn't quite grasp it. Every time he tried to remember, it slipped away again. As if trying to eat a broth with a fork or searching for a word that's on the tip of your tongue, frustrating. Slowly rising from the ground, Adam put his wits to work. It happened again and this time he was sure that he had walked here on his own accord but without knowingly doing so. His body proved that he had tripped a lot which means his usually sharp coordination had failed him on his nightly journey. And no matter how hard Adam tried, the last thing he remembered was going to bed at the ranch. In addition, he felt more tired than he had felt before going to bed, but he also was sure that he had slept at least for a while. He still had after-images of a horrible nightmare flashing before his inner eye. All those symptoms were familiar to him. While studying in Boston, Adam came across a wise professor who also worked as a doctor. Dr. Robertson and himself made it a habit to meet for lunch and talk about their current readings, when one day, Dr. Robertson arrived and sat down next to Adam with a heavy sigh. Adam wasn't used to see the lively and happy man in such a state and asked him what it was that was worrying him. Dr. Robertson gratefully turned to Adam and started to tell his story with a sad smile on his lips. It was about a patient of his, a six-year-old boy named Timmy. His mother desperately asked for Dr. Robertson's help as she described to him what odd behavior her boy recently displayed: While being asleep, Timmy suddenly sat up in bed and talked. It didn't make sense to his mother and because Timmy laid down again and was fast asleep, she dismissed the event. A few days later, the mother woke up to a clattering noise and out of instinct, she checked on her son first only to find his bed empty. When she searched for him, she found him standing at their dining table with a spoon in one hand, a tipped over chair next to him on the floor. His eyes were open but he was staring into emptiness and he didn't react to his mother's voice. She managed to get him back to bed and kept watch over him the rest of the night. When he woke up he said he couldn't remember any of the things his mother claimed he had done during the night. That was when she came looking for help. Dr. Robertson had heard of a phenomenon like that before and wanted to help the woman and her child. Following the next few days, he had read a lot about this illness. All reported cases Dr. Robertson had stumbled upon were about children from four to thirteen years old that were affected by the illness called 'lunatism'. Various books and articles depicted, that the children affected were coaxed out of their bed by the light of the moon and started to walk towards it while still being asleep. Some cases even left the safety of their home, some injured themselves when they tripped over things. Some cases even acted while walking in their sleep, like eating, cleaning or simply moving the furniture through the room. As of now, there was no further explanation other than the sleeper being moonstruck. Adam asked Dr. Robertson how he was planning to treat Timmy's illness but the doctor just stared ahead into empty space. After a few breaths, he slowly started shaking his head.

"That is not necessary anymore." Dr. Robertson said with his deep voice. "Last night, Timmy was sleepwalking again when he tripped and fell down the staircase. He broke his neck. His mother found him." His voice carried deep sorrow and his face suddenly appeared much older to Adam. That day, they ate in silence and grieved for the young life that was lost.

Adam let out a breath while slowly nodding. It never came to his mind before that he was experiencing lunatism, because all reported cases were children and he was obviously a full-grown man. But looking at his situation rationally, all the symptoms he was experiencing matched the ones Dr. Robertson told him about.

"Ha!" Adam barked out a laugh while shaking his head in disbelief. Of course! Not only am I suffering from an illness that only children usually experience, no… It's also an illness described as moonstruck, as in 'mentally deranged or crazed, by the influence of the moon'. Adam pressed the palm of his hands over his eyes, trying to chase the headache away. He had to admit that this revelation hurt his pride… a lot. How was he ever going to deal with this? Didn't he already have enough weight on his shoulders? Pa, Hoss, Joe… They should never know about this. Especially Joe, he'd never leave me alone with that. Suddenly remembering his family and his home, Adam stared with horror at the rising sun in the distance. It was dawn already and Adam was still a few miles away from home. Pa is going to kill me. As fast as he managed to walk with his injured feet, he made his way home. Adam almost floated across the porch to the entrance of his home, avoiding all squeaking boards, and slowly opened the door. He carefully stepped inside and slowly pulled the door shut behind him. So far so good.

"ADAM." The roar behind him made him flinch. As he turned to the living area, he was greeted with the sight of all his family members gathered around, staring back at him. Little Joe and Hoss sat on the settee, their heads turned to face the door. His father had been sitting in the red armchair and had risen when Adam had entered the house. He was now standing next to the settee, his arms crossed in front of his broad chest. They have been waiting for him. Realizing there was no way to sneak past them now or even to try to encounter the oncoming storm with nonchalance, Adam decided to take on a serious expression as well. His father was already scanning Adam's appearance and the angry expression on his face shifted slightly, displaying worry now as well.

"Adam, what is going on. Why were you out before dawn and then only wearing your nightshirt?" Ben's eyes jumped from Adam's face to his legs and arms and back to his face again. He scrunched his eyebrows, begging his son through his eyes to tell him the truth.

"I had a terrible nightmare which made me wake up in a cold sweat during the night. I tried to fall back asleep but I couldn't, I just felt so… trapped." Adam lowered his eyes to the floor and took a heavy breath. "I just needed some air. I only wanted to step out on the porch so I put on a pair of socks. The night air was so refreshing." Adam closed his eyes for a second before opening them again and looking right at his father. "I walked for a few minutes and I just… I just kept going. I didn't even realize how far I've walked until I saw the sun rising. I'm sorry I've worried you but I'm fine. I really needed that walk." Adam smiled at his father lovingly. He decided that he had to tell his father the truth, well at least most of it. Telling Ben about the fact that Adam was still asleep while taking a walk was something that would only cause more trouble than it would be doing good. Ben sensed the truth in his son's words and nodded, the tension leaving his body. Little Joe and Hoss had been watching the whole encounter silently. The story their brother had told, surprised them. Adam wasn't someone who easily admitted that he had a nightmare. They knew that Adam took admitting something like that as a blow to his pride as a man. Which, in conclusion, meant admitting something like that, not only to their father but also to Hoss and Joe, either meant the situation was very serious, or Adam was trying to hide an even darker secret from them. Little Joe and Hoss exchanged looks and slowly rose from the settee to step closer to their brother.

"Dadburnit, Adam, ye look terrible. Where'd all the scratches and bruises come from?" Hoss asked while taking one of his big brother's wrist in his giant hand, turning it around to examine the injuries on Adam's arms. Adam lowered his gaze, as if he was embarrassed.

"I tripped and fell. Only the moon was providing a little bit of light but otherwise it was dark." With his free hand, he nervously pulled at his ear. Ben's scanning gaze wandered Adam's body up and down again until it stopped at Adam's feet. The black socks he wore were ripped at some parts and a few shades lighter at some areas due to the dust and dirt sticking to them.

"You only wore these socks while walking out there? At night?" Ben was in disbelief. He leaned forward to look past his son's battered feet and spotted what he was searching for: Bloody footprints on the wooden floor.

"Adam, what has gotten into you!" Ben stepped forward and grabbed his son's shoulders, locking eyes with Adam. Adam opened his mouth as if to say something but he couldn't think of anything to say. The reason Adam lied to his family was to protect them and himself. They all lived a fast-paced life and all of them, even little Joe, carried a lot of responsibility on their shoulders. The last thing he wanted to do was add weight to that with matters that he should be able to deal with himself. He was an adult. He didn't need his Pa holding his hand every step of the way. He didn't need his younger brothers worrying over him. Especially with the situation he was in now, he feared how his family, their hands and everyone else who knew Adam, would see him if they knew he was moonstruck, a lunatic coaxed out of bed at night to bath in the moonlight and stumbling through the wilderness, injuring himself like a moron while doing so. All the trust and respect he had fought so hard to earn, all the hours of work to maintain a good reputation worthy of a Cartwright would be in danger. But what he feared the most was the people in Virginia City hearing of his situation. They would tear him apart and use his state to question every claim, decision and judgement being based on one of Adam's statements. No, he had to prevent that from happening. But now, looking at his father's pleading and sad eyes, he didn't dare to lie to him again. Standing there with his mouth simply opening and closing, like a gaping fish stranded on land, Adam finally closed it and adverted his gaze to his father's chest, crumbling beneath Ben's glare at last. Sensing it was the right thing to do, Ben pulled Adam into a papa-bear-hug, while gently stroking Adam's black locks, giving him comfort. Adam just let it happen and dared to enjoy these few seconds of love and affection before clearing his throat and pulling away from his father again.

"Thanks Pa. I'll be alright. It was stupid, I know but it won't happen again." Adam said and meant it.

Ben nodded at his son, satisfied for now with the moment they had shared. His eyes never leaving his son's face, Ben called out to his other boys, still standing off to the side.

"Hoss, could you give me a hand and help me getting your brother to the settee?" Hoss sprang into action immediately.

"Of course, Pa." Hoss was at Adam's side in the blink of an eye, hoisting his big brother's arm over his broad shoulders and holding it in place by Adam's wrist, trying not to jar any injuries on his arm in the process. "You can lean on me, Adam." Hoss said with a loving smile on his lips. Adam, way too tired to protest, slumped against Hoss and let him gratefully take most of his weight.

"Joseph, could you notify Hop Sing that we need a bowl of warm water, a towel and bandages for Adam's feet?" At Ben's question, Joe stopped staring at his oldest brother and started moving as well. Only a short while later, Adam was resting on the settee, his eyes closed, while Hoss gently wrapped his feet in stripes of a white, clean cloth. He finished and gently put Adam's feet up on the settee as well, before joining his father and little brother who were standing off to the side.

"Don't look good, Pa. His feet are a mess and he has some other bad looking injuries. Somethin' 'bout this don't feel right." Hoss said in a low voice, wearing a frown on his face.

"Just, let it go for now, Hoss. I'm glad he came home in one piece and spoke to us at least. Adam always had a bad time dealing with nightmares when he was younger." Ben said, looking at his son resting on the settee.

"What's important is, that he knows that we are here for him if he needs us. Cornering Adam over something he doesn't want to talk about only results in pushing him away further. Let's leave him so that he can rest." Ben added and with that they silently left the room or the house to get on with the work lying ahead of them. The last one to leave Adam be was little Joe. He remained silently standing next to his brother, watching him sleep for a few seconds, suspicion plastered onto his face.

"What are you hiding?" Little Joe mumbled, searching his brother's still feature for an answer. After finally cutting his gaze loose, Joe sighed and left the room as well to clean the stable. At the sound of the front door closing, Adam opened his now darkened, brown eyes, staring at the ceiling for a few seconds. He was in serious trouble