32. Here's to bad ideas

Carlos led Lil to his large sectional, letting her find a spot where she would be most comfortable. He had noticed her rubbing her thigh during dinner. Lil chose one end of the L, propping herself into the corner so she could face him better. He sat to the middle, close enough to be intimate but not smothering. She smiled at him expectantly. Cripes, she had butterflies like it was her first conversation with a boy. Get it together woman! "What's your first question?" Lil could not believe she was doing this, that it was her own damn idea. Carlos watched her closely then gave a gentle smile. "What would be your perfect day?" Lil let out a slow breath. OK, she could do this. She closed her eyes, trying to picture it. The only way this was going to work was if she was completely honest. She kept her eyes closed as she answered, he studied and memorized her beautiful face.

"My perfect day would start with the person I love bringing me a cup of coffee in bed. Strong black coffee. Then we would get up and make breakfast with Tilde and Magnus. We would dress comfortably and go to a park, the kind with nature trails. As a family we'd spend the day hiking, playing, goofing off. Maybe we'd have a picnic. We'd come home to cook dinner together. Something extra special like fondue. After dinner I would read to everyone. When Tilde was in bed, my man would lead me to a hot shower, then spend the next few hours showing me how much he loved me." Lil opened her eyes, they had a dreamy quality. Carlos was completely sucked into her fantasy. Picturing himself filling that coveted role. She smiled, "Your turn."

He looked down at his folded hands. "I was small as a child, always getting picked on because of it. I have four sisters, I'm the youngest, the baby. I had a lot of anger when I was young, got into too many fights. Some days, it took very little to set me off. I'd like to say that my fights were only a result of defending myself or someone's honor, but that's not true. My anger and need to fight got really bad as a teenager. My parents sent me away from our home in Newark, to live with my Grandma Rosa in Miami when I was fifteen. I hated the decision at the time, but it probably saved my life. I didn't start to get my anger under control until I joined the Army. Even then it was a struggle. Finally, I learned how to control myself. It was like retraining myself how to think, how to exist. That's one of the reasons why I live such a controlled life now. I don't ever want that angry person to come out again." Lil wondered how long it had been since he had shared something so vulnerable with another person. His shoulders were tense like he was waiting for her to pry further. Instead she asked, "What's your second question?" He was surprised. EVERYONE else he had ever tried opening up to had tried to squeeze more out of him than he was capable of, at least in one sitting. He was so relieved that she wasn't pushing, he gave her an easy one. "What's your favorite book? And why?"

Lil chuckled, "That's two questions Mr., but I'll graciously let it slide. My favorite book, ever since I was young, is Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams. It's one of those books that can be highly entertaining while also confusing the walnuts out of you. The way he writes, how he uses his words, it's amazing. Entire classes should be offered on bending the English language the way he does in that book. I also adore that it really has no plot. Which, as a metaphor for the craziness of life, it makes sense. He used silliness, downright absurdity, and an average Joe, to remind us that the universe is vast, we are all just a speck of dust in the great scheme. But, we all have hidden opportunities to make a difference. Or not." She laughed at his befuddled look. "I'm sure most of that didn't make much sense, which is funny, because it's like reading the book!" He grinned at her. He loved to hear her laugh.

Carlos leaned back into the couch, finding a position that was more comfortable. He took a deep breath knowing his time to reciprocate had come. "I was never afraid of anything as a young man, not spiders, not heights, not even the gangs in my neighborhood. I've also never been afraid to die. Living without fear is freeing, but it also leads to stupid, reckless decisions. After I joined the Army and became a Ranger, I changed. Suddenly, I was a young punk who was charged with commanding a team, rescuing hostages, saving people. Their lives, all of their lives, were in my hands. Keeping people safe became my full-time responsibility. Even if I didn't want the burden or ask for it. Once I accepted that, the anxiety came hard and fast. Now, I only have one fear in life. That I won't be able to save a person that I care about. A person that I love." He spied her out of the corner of his eye, afraid to know if there was pity on her face. Lil just sat there with a calmness that was contagious. "Question number three?" He tilted his head, "What are two things on your bucket list?"

"Oh that's easy! I'd like to travel with Tilde when she's a little older. But before she's too cool to go places with her mom. I'd like to take her to many different countries, share different cultures and ways of life with her. Eat the foods. And, I'd love to learn how to fly an airplane." Carlos could definitely picture Lil behind a stick, soaring through the clouds.

This time when he spoke, Carlos was able to keep eye contact. It was definite progress. "I don't really have any hobbies. Nothing that I do often in my spare time. Since starting Rangeman, I've been very busy, on purpose. But sometimes when I'm stressed, I rely on some rather peculiar habits to unwind. I take my frustrations out on the punching bags downstairs. I go for a long drive, just kind of getting lost in the scenery while my mind wanders. I dance, if there's a good partner and the right music. And if I have to stay in one place, I challenge myself with picking locks. I've even been known to handcuff myself to pick two locks at once. I also like crossword puzzles." Lil was glowing with mirth. He was so normal and yet so very special, unique. Carlos's eyes dilated, his next question was a doozy. "How long has it been since you've been with a man, and why?"

Lil audibly gulped. Her and her fucking bright ideas. She closed her eyes, buying a few seconds time, trying to control the flush creeping up her cheeks, and... doing the math. "Four years, nine months, and a few days." His gasp was almost comical. "It would be easier to say that I just woke up one day and decided to swear myself to celibacy. But alas, that didn't happen… My last physical relationship ended one month before the incident at the Wynn. Ironically, we broke up because he wanted to marry and have kids right away. I was too into my career to even consider that option. Then I got shot, I told you the recovery was lengthy. Dating wasn't exactly high on my to-do list. Then I brought Tilde home. The first two years of her life were pretty rough, she was ill as much as she was healthy. Since then, I haven't tried to look for anyone, not even just to scratch the itch. She's been my priority from day one. It's not that I don't think about it. And believe me, there are days I really fucking miss sex. But I refuse to bring random men into my life, because they would be in her life too. I want better than that for my daughter." Lil laughed sarcastically. "Plus I'm kinda picky. I don't have to be in love with someone to enjoy sex, but my standards are pretty damn high."

He nodded in understanding and approval. She should be picky, she deserved the best. Both girls did. Carlos turned in his spot, bringing one knee up so he could face Lil completely. "I have a daughter. Her name is Julie. She lives in Miami with her mother and step-father. Rachel and I met on my first leave with the Rangers. We had one very drunken night together. I found out she was pregnant after I had already returned to my command. I was able to return to the states right before her birth. I married Rachel, so Julie would be born with my name, have access to my military benefits. Three days after she was born, we started the divorce proceedings. I was young, foolish. Didn't think there would ever be room in my life for a wife, let alone a child. I went back to war, leaving her to raise our daughter as she saw fit, sending checks monthly. Rachel met a man, a good man named Ron. They married the next year. When Julie was three, I received a Christmas card with her picture. In the card was paperwork waiting for my signature. They wanted me to sign away my parental rights so Ron could adopt Julie as his own. I was still active in the Rangers, being sent on some of the most dangerous missions. I signed. Now, I still send monthly checks, but have very little contact with my daughter. She'll be eleven soon."

Well shit, no wonder he had issues with the holidays. Lil schooled her features to show nothing but gratitude for his candid admission. "Alright Mr., time for your final question." Carlos huffed out a sigh. That last one had been hard for him. Only a small number of people who weren't family knew about his daughter, and they were all in this building. What did he really want to know? Carlos's eyes crinkled, an almost-smile on his lips. "How do you like to be shown love?" Lil rubbed her thigh, deep in thought. "That's a good question. Let's see. There are some important things, like loyalty, respect, communication, consideration. But really, it's a lot of little things. Be a gentleman, open my door, help with the groceries, ask how my day was. Wash my hair in the shower, help cook dinner if I've had a rough day or even just because, be there to listen if I need to vent. Support me no matter what."

Carlos was committing every syllable to memory. Entranced by the way her lips formed the words as she spoke. Drawn in by the fierceness in her eyes when she mentioned words like listen and support. Lil glanced at her watch, it was a few minutes after seven. "OK sweetie, we have enough time for your last turn before I'm back on mommy duty. Whatcha got?" He leaned his elbow on the back of the couch, propping his head into his sexy hand. His stare was almost unnerving. "I'm very attracted to you Lil. I didn't look for it, and I tried to fight it. I'm losing that battle. Every day I'm a little more trapped by you. And I don't know what to do about it. I don't want to put you in an awkward position. There's no pressure. Unless you think pressure would help?" He gave her a Lester-style eyebrow wiggle. Lil chuckled, it was odd to laugh, her insides were coinciding fire and ice, both feelings struggling for supremacy. What the hell was she supposed to do with this info? "You don't have to say anything. Nothing needs to change. I just wanted you to know." She nodded slowly, wondering if her heart was ever going to beat normally again. Carlos stood and held out his hand to pull her up. "You better get downstairs to Tilde. I'll see you at the meeting tomorrow morning." They walked to his door and stopped. She waited for him to open it, he was still blocking her exit.

Time was moving more slowly the faster her heart beat. His look was intense, he was fighting for his own self control. Carlos leaned in, his lips millimeters from hers. His eyes were searching for something. Permission? Acceptance? Desire? Reproach? "Carlos", just whispering his name almost made them touch. "This would be a bad idea right now." He inched back ever so slightly. "Right now? So you're saying it might not be a bad idea later?" Lil closed her eyes briefly, controlling herself, and her frazzled nerves. "I'm saying that nothing is ever impossible, with enough time." He stepped aside with a two-hundred watt smile. Carlos stood staring at the elevator long after she had made it back downstairs.