Chapter 5 – The Road I'm On

What you thought was real in life
Has somehow steered you wrong
And now you just keep drivin', tryin' to find out where you belong

- The Road I'm On – 3 Doors Down –

River woke up to an empty bed. Somewhere she could hear some clanking. It sounded like it came from the kitchen.

River got up, stretched and got dressed for the day. Her clothes all fit a bit loosely. Her body had apparently lost a few pounds. She definitely needed new clothes.

Walking into the kitchen area she watched Shadow figure out her body around kitchen utensils. It was a sight to behold.

Shadow's overall figure wasn't that different from before except for her hair. That was slightly shorter, black and had this one red streak from top to bottom on one side. And her eye color that had changed from brown to a dark blueish-green, but the golden specks remained. They were probably from the Wolf, River surmised.

But that red streak had probably something to say. Such a striking feature after regeneration was unusual. At least as far as River knew her regeneration facts and those were quite limited.

She walked from the door to the counter and leaned on it.

Shadow turned around and noticed her. "You know how to cook stuff? I still can't seem to get the hang of it." She put the pan down on the countertop with a clank and blew an errand strand of hair out of her eyes.

River shook her head and chuckled. "You really haven't changed all that much…" She then went and retrieved the pan to put it away. Then moved around and gathered a bowl and made Shadow some cereal. "Try this first, before we move onto the more advanced cooking stuff." She set the bowl in front of Shadow on the counter and grabbed herself a yoghurt from the fridge.

Sitting down opposite Shadow, she watched how the other took the small change of plans.

At first Shadow seemed a bit disappointed but then grabbed the spoon and munched away at the cereal without a second thought. River was relieved that that had worked.

"You make a mean bowl of cereal." Shadow mumbled out between two bites.

"Do we really have to start at the beginning with you?" River asked, half jesting.

"What'd you mean?" Shadow swallowed and looked at River confused.

"The eating behavior? Swallowing, before speaking?" River raised her eyebrows.

"Sorry." Shadow looked at the tabletop. "I was just really hungry. And really wasn't quite thinking. My thoughts run too fast for me to process so I try to occupy myself with little things so I don't have to think too much about everything."

River put a hand on Shadow's. "Stop. You're rambling."

Shadow looked at River doubtfully. Taking a breath, she said "Sorry. I'm not used to this yet. I mean the body change and the slight change in the processing of thoughts. And, you know, dying in general."

"You'll get used to it." River winced slightly. That didn't come out as intended. "I mean… hope you will not die again soon. No…" How could something like that be so hard to express? "What I mean is that the more regenerations you had the more you know what to expect so you get used to the weirdness afterwards. And the weird feeling right now will also go away because you will get used to your new body and mind soon. It's just a matter of time."

"I hope. Do you know how annoying it is to know the basic concept of something and then having to relearn that?"

"Yes, as a matter of fact, I do. I'm doing it now. I just have a few regenerations advantage." River smiled what she hoped was encouragingly.

They fell silent after that.

When Shadow had finished her bowl of cereal she went to the sink and washed it under running water. River then got up and threw the empty cup away and also washed the spoon.

Shadow silently walked out onto the patio and sat down on the stairs, seemingly deep in thought. River didn't want to intrude, got a book and settled down onto a sofa in the living area and tried to read a bit. But Shadow's form outside was distracting her.

It was like she didn't know the other woman anymore. Shadow seemed stand-offish. Like nothing was going like she wanted and that was making her angry at the world. River missed the old Shadow, of course she knew that the old Shadow was still somewhere in the new Shadow, but she wouldn't get the old personality back. She could only make it work with the new one.

All this brooding silence was making River uncomfortable. She decided that she should talk it out with Shadow. Otherwise they were never getting anywhere.

She got up and walked outside. Sitting down next to Shadow, but keeping some space between them, she asked "What is bothering you?"

Shadow looked at River, then at the space between them and then back up at the other woman. "Nothing." River didn't miss how Shadow had looked at the space between them.

"Bullshit!" River exclaimed. That was new to her. She didn't curse so openly before. It stunned them both.

Something stormy brewed in Shadow's eyes. River saw it a moment too late. Shadow jumped up. "You think this is bullshit?"

"No. I didn't mean it like that…"

"Seriously?" Shadow didn't even pay any respect to what River had to say. "Why do I even bother when you think this is all so unimportant?" Shadow snorted.

River slowly got up. 'Shit shit shit…' was the only thought running through her mind. She recognized what was happening but could do nothing to prevent it. Shadow was working herself up into a rage. River couldn't see how this was going to end well for any of them.

"We died for fuck's sake! That is nothing unimportant. Just because you have more experience at dying doesn't mean I do. I have to get used to a completely new body." Shadow started pacing. "I have two hearts now. That is so weird. I have no idea why that happened or what it means for me. My body temperature has dropped below 30 degrees Celsius. I have measured it and the bloody thermometer read 26 degrees. Twenty-six de-grees! That is not a normal temperature for someone."

River almost forgot about that. It was something the Doctor had explained to her about regeneration in Time Lords. They only gained their second heart and other defining features after their first regeneration. Of course, that was unsettling for Shadow. She wasn't prepared for that. And the temperature? Why didn't she notice the temperature drop? River thought about when they had touched after regeneration. And honestly… they had only touched a few times and those were all quite soon after regeneration and she had also been occupied with other more worrying thoughts than to pay any mind to a different body temperature. Maybe she had gotten too used to a lower temperature because of the years she had spent with the Doctor?

She tuned back into Shadow's rant. It was probably best for her to keep listening. Maybe she still had a chance to get through to her.

"And you! You aren't even a little bit unsettled because you should have been dead for good this time? Really! I would be running around and trying to find out why I was suddenly alive again." Shadow gesticulated wildly. "I saved you! I died for you! But you don't seem to care about that."

Shadow turned around and started to walk inside. River grabbed her arm. "I do care! And you should know me better than to assume that I wouldn't care."

Shadow shook the hand off and looked sadly out across the landscape behind River. "I don't. I don't know you anymore. I don't know me anymore. I…" She sighed. "Look… I know this is going to sound crazy but maybe it would be best if we break things off between us."

River was shocked to say the least. All that she knew, all that she had worked for, was ripped out from under her with that sentence. "You're not serious…" She whispered.

Shadow smiled sadly. "I'm sorry. We obviously don't know each other as well as we thought we did. And it doesn't make sense for us to force something that isn't there anymore." She turned around and finally walked inside.