Jason had always played video games and it was quite often he was playing shooter games. Nobody had ever had problems with them, in fact his father was quite often playing with him and Stevie had done the same on few occasions.
It was one morning less than a week after that blasted trip to Iran, when he was playing like usual, he heard his mother coming behind him and staying there.
"Morning mom," he said.
"Morning, Jace," she replied.
She stayed there quietly watching at the game and Jason didn't really mind. He didn't know what to say either. It was quite awhile later, when his father joined them and quickly turned off his game. And Jason knew for a fact that his father was okay with him playing that game. So there must have been something about his mother…
Everything seemed to be normal. There was this banter in the morning, true their mother was the least active participant, but she was there, she was laughing and talking. It seemed to be all normal. His mother was working slightly more than before and she was barely home, but that wasn't anything new. Despite everybody knowing about Iran, it was never spoken about at the McCord house, their life went on as if nothing had happened.
It was so normal that Jason wasn't thinking about it for a moment. That moment lasted just long enough for him to say something wrong.
Shoot me now.
Out of all the things he could've said, he had to go with that. Yeah, everybody reacted to that, only Alison and Stevie reprimanded him. His parents sent looks and his mother left hurriedly.
Jason felt the disappointment radiating from her and the judgement from his father, but they didn't say anything and that was even worse. He messed up again.
***MSec***
The next morning was the morning Jason had been waiting for, but when it arrived, he didn't want it anymore. He was excited to go back to school, but not like this. In the morning there was a security guy waiting for him – apparently he had a bodyguard now. Against his wishes of course and seemingly against his father's wishes as well.
Jason had noticed how his mother had been looking at him and he didn't know what it meant. She looked at him like he might disappear, yet he was living a perfectly safe life in DC. He was not in danger, Stevie, Alison and his father didn't have any security, but he had to have the biggest guy ever. The tone his mother was using told him that there is no room to argue and his father finished the discussion.
Jason had no word in it and seemed like his parents were fighting each other, he was just in the middle of it. Jason hated that. He hated the fact that his parents were fighting and yelling at each other more than anything. Even more so he disliked being the reason for them to disagree. He felt like Cuba in Cold War age.
He hated the guy following him around, it reminded him how he really wasn't like any other kid. His mother is forth in line for presidency, and now she felt like he needed to be protected. Jason disagreed.
At the end of the day nothing happened and his first day at new school was okay. He wanted to say that to his parents, but as usual, his mother was not home. She got back after Jason was already asleep and the next morning she was gone before he woke up. His father said that she'd been home.
Jason really wanted to make sure his parents knew how unnecessary the bodyguard was, but his mother seemed to avoid him.
Then it happened. It was just before his classes ended, that his father called with the news, that she had a panic attack. He went with the company line that everything is fine and she's gonna go back to work. He didn't say much, he didn't want Jason to worry obviously.
That night his mother was home, but according to his father, she was resting and so she was absent from the dinner. After everybody went to do their own thing. Jason found himself knocking on Stevie's door again.
"What's bothering you?" Stevie asked.
"Mom," Jason replied.
"Is it about the bodyguard you have?" Stevie asked.
Jason shook his head. "No, it's not about it," Jason voiced his thoughts. "It is about mom though."
"She's fine, I was at the hospital. It was a panic attack," Stevie said.
Jason shook his head. "Do you know what happened in Iran?" he asked.
Stevie looked completely taken back and she seemed to have lost her words. "No, she hasn't talked about it," Stevie said.
"Does dad know?" Jason asked.
Stevie shrugged her shoulders. "I don't know. I think she has talked with him, but I haven't heard anything," she voiced.
Jason hopped on her bed beside her.
"Was it like this, when she was at the CIA?" he asked.
Stevie thought for a moment. "It was like that a few times that I can remember," she said.
"How'd you know she was fine?" Jason asked.
Stevie took a deep breath. "I don't remember that much. And you know how much mom and dad hide certain things from us. I was much younger then and the shields were up even further," Stevie said.
"There was this one time, when she'd been gone much longer than she told us and dad looked scared all the time. I knew he occasionally got some calls and then he disappeared. Once Conrad showed up and they had pretty serious conversation. I heard dad tell you bedtime stories about mom like she was gone and how he told Ali and me how much we looked like mom," Stevie said. "Except Ali doesn't look much like mom," Jason interrupted. Stevie shrugged her shoulders. "She got back weeks later and I remember I was so happy, everybody was happy. Even you, and you were still a baby. I remember seeing mom flinch at certain movements, I saw the pill bottles she was carrying around, but she didn't say much. Dad warned us and said to be gentle with her, but she never said anything. First days she was gone a lot, and when she was home, she was distant. I remember she was sleeping in our room quite often and you were sleeping in their room. But she got better and soon she went back to working her irregular hours in the office. I know something had happened, but she never said a word," Stevie finished.
"So if something could've been really wrong and you didn't know?" Jason clarified.
Stevie nodded reluctantly.
"But you think everything is fine now?" Jason asked.
"I know she needed medical assistance after Iran, but I don't think it's too bad," Stevie said.
Jason seemed to believe her. He hopped off the bed and left without saying a word. He didn't know if Stevie was lying or not. He also wasn't sure if he should believe her or not.
***MSec***
That night Jason woke up in the middle of the night, but she was not alone in the bed. He turned around and saw it was his mother. Madam Secretary, the woman of the hour – a mother Jason has barely seen in the past week was there.
She was sleeping peacefully. Jason still remembered the time he accidentally heard about her nightmare. She was breathing evenly and there was a slight smile on his face. For a moment he thought about going to wake his dad, so he'd know where mom was. He didn't.
For that moment she seemed like the mother he knew before Iran and he desperately wanted that. For some reason unknown it seemed like she needed this, like she needed to make sure he was okay, it almost seemed like her worry for her other kids was non-existent.
Jason would never admit it out loud, but he needed his mother too. He needed to know that she was well and alive. In this moment she was and he could only hope that he'd get his annoyingly affectious, caring, loving and incredibly brave mother back. And that said mother would realize that he is safe and he can go to school like any other normal kid.
In the morning his mother was gone before Jason woke up. She was already at the office, when Jason came down the stairs. And it was Sunday.
"Kids, mom's gonna be on Face the Nation this morning, so I expect everybody to be in the living room for that," his dad said.
"We didn't forget," Stevie said.
They all made their breakfast and gathered around the TV for when the program came on and Elizabeth McCord looked back at them. There it was. The story. All the McCords heard that for the first time with the rest of the country.
It all started to make sense.
Overprotectiveness. Security guard. Sleeping in his bed.
It was lunchtime, when she was back at home. Jason jumped off the couch and met her in the hallway. She had dropped her briefcase on the floor and her coat on a table by the door.
"Mom," he greeted her.
"Hey, Jace," she greeted with a smile. "Where is the rest of the gang?"
"They went to get groceries," Jason said.
"And you wanted to finish your game?" she asked.
Jason didn't reply.
He closed the distance and hugged his mother. Something he didn't too as often. She hugged him back just the same, it was like the day she came back from Iran.
"Everything okay, Jason?" she asked, she seemed alerted or worried, but nothing was wrong. Jason just felt like hugging his mom.
Jason nodded against her.
"I saw the interview," he said.
"You and the rest of America," she added.
"Mom, I am not that kid," he said firmly.
"Well, you are my kid," she replied, not quite sure what he was aiming.
Jason released her. "I am not that kid in that house. The kid, who saw his father murdered," Jason explained.
"Abdul," she clarified.
Jason ignored it. "I am not Abdul, I wasn't there. And I am not in danger," he said.
She breathed out heavily. "I know that," she said.
"Mom, I don't need protection," he said seriously.
"I know, baby," she replied heavily.
She hugged Jason again. "I'm sorry, Jace, I haven't been myself lately and I am still working through some things," she said honestly.
"Yeah, I saw the program," Jason replied. "I don't think anybody expects you to be fine," he added.
His mother smiled a little. "Except me," she said. "And the White House," she added.
"Screw the White House," ha said with anger.
"Jason," his mother reprimanded.
"I might not say that often, but I still need my mom, so don't die, okay?" he said and felt suddenly vulnerable.
"Oh, Jace," his mother replied gently and hugged him once more. He felt her lips on the top of his head. "I will always come back home to you guys," she promised.
"And I will not go anywhere either mom, you don't need to be afraid," Jason said firmly.
She closed her eyes, cursed in her head and held Jason tight against her. "Abdul was about your age and I wanted to protect him so badly, but I couldn't. I kept yelling for him to stay down, that was the only thing I could do, before Javani's detail rushed us out of the house. I couldn't keep him safe and all I could think about was how much he was like you. I promised myself right then that I would do anything to protect you. I just want you to be safe, Jason," she said earnestly. Jason could feel the heavy weight in her tone and the insecurity she felt towards him.
"Mom, I am safe," Jason assured.
Jason let go of his mother and glanced at her seriously.
"I don't need the bodyguard," he said.
"I know," she acknowledged it once more.
Jason looked at her seriously, trying to make sure she knew how safe he was and how he didn't need a security guy.
"I'll call diplomatic security tomorrow," she promised.
"Thank you," Jason said. "Mom, I love you," he added.
Elizabeth smiled and meant it for the first time in what felt like forever. "I love you too, son," she replied. She put her arm around Jason and led her back towards the couch.
"You wanna teach me how to play your game, so your dad can stop telling me how bad I am?" she asked.
"Sure, mom," Jason replied.
Together they went to the couch and started playing again with Jason constantly telling his mother what to do and how to play it.
It wasn't the same, but it felt more and more like the time before Iran. Before everything went down and before it went bad. It was getting back to the normal, or to the new normal for the McCord family.
It didn't feel different anymore.