Chapter 28: Family of 4?
Santana's POV
Brittany, Aiden and I are all sitting at dinner together. Last night Brittany and I had a good talk about everything so I think we both understand now how we feel. We still haven't made a decision yet about what to do though. Hopefully we'll come to a conclusion soon because right now is one of the worst moments of my life. I clearly still want the baby but if Brittany really can't do it then I'll stand by her.
"How was work?" Brittany asks looking up from her plate.
"Ok I guess" I reply quietly, not really looking at Brittany. I know it sounds horrible but if I look at her then I'm going to burst into tears because it reminds me of the baby she is carrying. I was ok in the beginning but as we get nearer to making a decision then I get even sadder because we might not go through with the pregnancy. I can't afford to get attached right now to the baby due to obvious reasons so I'm trying to hold back as much as it pains me.
"Ok" Brittany nods.
"How was work for you?" I ask trying to make conversation so we're not sitting in an awkward silence.
"Just the same as you" she replies and I nod.
"Aiden seems to be finished and I'm not that hungry anymore so perhaps we should just tidy up" I suggest.
"Yeah we might as well" Brittany nods in agreement. Once we finish clearing up, we both play with Aiden for a little while before giving him a bath. "I've got some stuff to do down here so are you cool just putting him to bed if I say goodnight just now" she asks.
"That's fine" I reply. "Right sweetie, say goodnight to mommy" I say holding Aiden closer to Brittany.
"Night-night sweetheart" she smiles at him before leaning towards him. "Can I get a kiss please?" she asks pursing her lips together.
"Mommy" Aiden giggles before leaning forward and kissing Brittany.
"I love you" Brittany smiles at Aiden and kisses his cheek.
"Mommy, mom" Aiden says looking between us.
"No sweetheart, we say goodnight later because we're not going to bed right now" I smile at him.
"Anyway goodnight Aid" Brittany says kissing him once more.
"Ok I'll go and get him settled now, will you just be in here?" I ask looking at Brittany for a moment.
"I've got some notes to look over so I'll likely be in the study" Brittany replies.
"Ok" I nod before leaving with Aiden. "Do you want a song or will I read to you tonight?" I ask him as I get him settled in bed.
"Song" he replies excitedly so I begin to sing softly to him. He does quite like singing upbeat songs with me but since I'm trying to get him to sleep then I'm doing something slow and gentle. As soon as he does fall asleep, I quietly tiptoe down the stairs.
When I get downstairs, I go to the kitchen to get a drink but as I'm leaving I notice the door to the study wide open but there's no lights on. I thought Brittany said that's where she would be but I guess not. I take a look in the living room and she's not there so I check the bathroom and she's not there either. Just as I'm about to see if she's upstairs, I hear a faint noise coming from the dining room so I turn back and go towards there.
"Britt, are you crying?" I ask while walking into the dining room noticing Brittany sitting at the table with tear stained cheeks and a tissue in her hand.
"I'm fine, just ignore me" she says sniffling slightly.
"Britt what's wrong?" I ask in concern.
"I've noticed Santana" she states looking over at me.
"Noticed what?" I frown in confusion.
"You can't even look at me anymore and I can't stand that" she admits.
"Babe…" I rush over to sit next to her.
"I understand why you can't look at me but it still hurts a little bit" she shrugs.
"I really do understand both sides babe but I can't help struggling with it. I'm with you on whatever you decide but at the same time I'm trying not to let myself get too attached in case we decide it's not the best time to have a baby" I say honestly. "I can start to see you've got a slight bulge in your stomach so when I look at your stomach I get really sad in case things don't work out" I admit.
"Don't you think I feel the same?" Brittany asks. "I just need to look down and I see it or if I fasten a button on my jeans I can feel it."
"I'm so sorry" I say breaking down in tears.
"Baby what have you got to be sorry about?" Brittany asks confused.
"I'm not being the best wife right now. I'm putting myself before you and I am so sorry for that. I don't want you to do something you can't so please don't make a decision because of me. Do what you think is best" I say.
"You're not the best wife right now, you're the most amazing wife right now" she says smiling at me slightly. "I know it's hurting you and I can see you're trying to help me so I appreciate that. I'm not taking a jab at you when I say things, I'm just hurting and trying to explain."
"I know I'm not handling things well right now but I promise you whatever you decide, I will always be here for you. I'm not going anywhere Brittany, I'm just struggling right now" I admit.
"I'm struggling too so can't we struggle together?" Brittany asks.
"I think we are struggling together but just not in the same way so it's hard to relate to one another" I point out.
"I suppose that could be right" Brittany states.
"Come here" I say opening my arms and she moves closer to me. I then hug her tightly. "We're going to get through this eventually."
Brittany's POV
Friday 26th February 2021
Its break time at work and I'm just sitting quietly by myself. It's mainly because no one else is on a break right now but also because I think I need a little time to myself to gather my thoughts. I really can't put it off any longer so I'm going to need to make a decision very soon. It's hurting everyone right now so I think I just need one last good think about things and then I'll decide what's best.
"Mind if I join you?" my colleague Martin asks as he approaches the table.
"Of course not, sit down" I smile while gesturing to the seat across the table from me.
"Thanks" he smiles back while sitting down with his lunch. We both sit in silence for a few minutes just eating before Martin speaks up. "Are you ok Brittany?" he asks looking at me in concern.
"Yeah I'm fine" I reply with a fake smile because of course I'm not fine. I have to make the toughest decision of my life and depending on what we do then things between Santana and I could change. I know she says she's ok with whatever I do but she could still resent me in years to come.
"You seem awfully quiet and you don't look your usual happy self" he responds.
"I've just got a few things going on but I don't want to burden you with them so don't worry about it" I smile.
"If you need someone to talk to then I'm here. I know we don't know each other too well since we haven't been here long but I'd like to think we're somewhat friends" he replies. "We're the new kids remember so we should stick together" he smiles. We both got jobs here at the same time last year so we have sort of built up a friendship since we're the only two new ones.
"Honestly I appreciate it but I'd rather not talk about it right now" I smile. I'm grateful that he's there for me if I need it but I'd rather just leave this between Santana and me right now. "Anyway enough about me, how are you?" I ask. "I know you were off with some personal reasons so is everything ok now?"
"It is but it isn't if that makes sense" he says chuckling slightly. "My girlfriend and I went through a rough patch but we're learning to cope a bit better now. I mean we're not in an ideal place but I think the worst has passed."
"I see" I nod following what he's saying. "What happened if you don't mind me asking?"
"My girlfriend miscarried our baby" Martin replies.
"I am so sorry to hear that" I say sympathetically.
"We've been really struggling to get pregnant and we finally thought this would be our happy ending" he tells me and I can't help but tear up. Damn these pregnancy hormones are making me emotional.
"Hey it's ok" he says putting a comforting hand on my shoulder.
"I'm sorry, I'm just in a really emotional time in my life right now" I say wiping the tears away. "It should be me though that is comforting you not the other way around."
"It's ok" he says hugging me slightly.
"How are you two coping with things now?" I ask, continuing to wipe my tears away with my hand.
"I mean we're getting there and once things settle down we do want to try again because we are still relatively young. I know I said we had been trying for a while but we've went to the doctor to both get checked and things so there technically shouldn't be a reason as to why we wouldn't be able to conceive again" Martin replies.
"Maybe you just need to take the pressure off trying then and it might happen like you say once things settle down" I say trying to reassure him. I know it doesn't help the fact they've just miscarried a baby but I don't want him to lose hope either.
"My girlfriend is just worried if we do get pregnant then she might miscarry again" he sighs.
"It's understandable but I think you just need to be positive about things" I say. "Also I'm sure talking to your doctor might help as well, see what they think."
"Yeah you're probably right" Martin smiles. "Anyway I probably should move my arm now before people start suspecting things" he jokes while moving his arm from my shoulder.
"Yeah that was probably best. It's enough being the newbies, we don't want to be seen as the two who get into a relationship" I joke back.
"Funny you say that actually because I was reading something the other night and it says there's at least one couple within every workplace. If you had to take bets on who it was from here, who would you say?" Martin asks.
"Hmm…I don't know" I say looking around as people start to fill up the seats since a lot more people are on a lunch break just now. "I'm really bad with names but what about those two over there sitting close to one another sharing food."
"No they're not a couple, just close friends" Martin points out. "I've worked with both girls before and they both have boyfriends."
"Oh right" I say laughing. "I guess my gaydar is a little broken nowadays."
"Yeah it seems like it" Martin jokes.
"It's probably because Santana is my best friend as well as my wife so I can't actually tell the difference" I shrug.
"That could be it I suppose" Martin nods. "You and Santana seem well matched, I spoke to her briefly at the Christmas party last year."
"I like to think we are" I say smiling at the thought of Santana. "She makes me so happy and I love her so much. She's also so good with Aiden which I love too."
"I can tell she means the world to you" he smiles.
"Yeah, she really does" I say still grinning. Seriously all someone has to do is say Santana or Aiden and I literally melt inside.
"Hey can I ask something?" Martin asks seriously while looking at me.
"Yeah" I nod.
"How does Aiden make you feel?" he asks.
"Like nothing else in the world matters. When I see him all my troubles just seem to disappear and he's one of the main reasons I got through a particularly rough patch not long ago" I say honestly. "I had Aiden right in the middle of my last year at college and I went through a really difficult time because I was so stressed and lost all confidence in myself that I ended up with an eating disorder."
"Oh my goodness, I had no idea" Martin says surprised.
"I don't like to talk about it too much because I have somewhat overcome it but if I do find myself struggling then I always just think of Aiden" I say honestly.
"Clearly that was really difficult for you like you just said so how else did you get through it apart from having Aiden there?" he asks. "I mean it doesn't sound like just a minor blip so what else helped you?"
"Basically having Santana got me through the other part. I mean I did go to a specialist but without Santana I wouldn't have done that so she really was the main driving force" I reply. "To be honest without Aiden and Santana I'm nothing and they're 2 of the most important people in my life."
"Do you know, I think that talk with you has really made me feel better" Martin smiles. "You and Santana seem so strong and unbreakable so I think as long as I have Ashley then I know we're going to get through anything life throws at us."
"Yeah you two will definitely be ok in the end" I smile.
"Yeah and so will you. Whatever you have going on at the moment, I'm sure will sort itself out and you'll see whatever has happened has happened for a reason" he smiles back.
"You have no idea how much my life has just became clearer right now since we talked" I say honestly.
XXX
Even though Santana finishes early on a Friday and usually gets Aiden from childcare, I did it today because Santana had a dental appointment and then a doctor's appointment an hour later. She could have picked him up because the appointments weren't that soon after work but we figured there's no point dragging him around all her appointments because it'd likely unsettle him so he just stayed with Gillian until I finished work. Aiden and I are currently home alone since Santana isn't back yet so he's helping me prepare dinner. I cut up the ingredients while he pushes them into the bowl for me with his hand. To be fair there's more on the floor than in the bowl but I don't mind because he's having fun and he likes to help.
"Mom!" Aiden suddenly screams in excitement and as soon as I look over I see Santana walk into the room and it just melts my heart to see Aiden so excited to see her.
"Hi baby" she smiles brightly at him while taking him from his highchair.
"Hi" I nervously smile when both our eyes meet.
"Yeah, hi" Santana says sadly.
"How are you?" I ask politely.
"Fine, you?" she replies.
"Yeah I'm good" I smile. We fall into a silence as Santana pays attention to Aiden and I just stand there awkwardly. "Were your dentist and doctor's appointments ok?" I ask since she hasn't volunteered to tell me.
"Yeah no cavities so I'm good" she replies before focussing her attention back to Aiden.
"Ok but what about the doctor's appointment, how did that go?" I ask, slightly concerned since she's not openly offering up what happened.
"Fine" she shrugs like it's no big deal.
"Well what did the doctor say, was it a breakout of some kind or did you have a rash? I mean did she give you any medicine for it?" I ask.
"It was two pimples" she mumbles inaudibly.
"Wait…what?" I ask confused. Santana was really concerned about a patch on her skin the other day and she thought she might have some sort of breakout.
"It was two frigging pimples clustered together" she admits embarrassed. "I made a right fool of myself walking in there and she's probably laughing at me right now."
"At least you got checked out though because it could have been something worse" I say struggling not to laugh. I know I shouldn't but I can just imagine Santana going in there all guns blazing about having a rash or something only to be told it's a pimple.
"Just laugh Brittany, I know you want to" she says sighing.
"No I'm not going to laugh at…"
"Honestly it's ok" she says beginning to laugh and shake her head. After laughing for a few moments, Aiden starts to get restless in Santana's arms.
"He wants to join in but he doesn't know what we're laughing at" I say.
"Yeah and he's probably at bit hungry as well" she points out.
"He probably is so I better get back to fixing dinner" I say while turning around to go back to what I was doing before Santana came in.
"Do you need any help or will I just get him cleaned up since he has stuff all over his hands from helping you?" Santana asks bouncing Aiden slightly in her arms.
"No I won't be long so you get Aiden cleaned up" I smile.
"Ok" Santana nods before taking Aiden to the bathroom to get cleaned up. As soon as dinner is ready we all sit down together to eat.
"Mommy is going to help you with this Aiden" I say while putting some mashed potato onto his spoon and raising it to his mouth.
"No" Aiden frowns while shaking his head refusing to open his mouth.
"Aiden come on" I say seriously.
"No" he says again, repeating his actions from the first time.
"Aiden do as mommy says please" Santana states giving him a warning look. He stares at her for a moment before beginning to laugh. "Why is he laughing, I'm being serious" she sighs.
"You very seldom give him a row and he's used to you being fun all the time so he's probably just not taking it seriously" I say.
"Aiden if you don't do as mommy says then we're not playing cars after dinner" Santana states.
"Cars?" Aiden asks as his head shoots up to look at Santana.
"No more cars until you eat" she tells him waving her finger. He looks at her for a moment before surprisingly opening his mouth. "That's a good boy" she smiles at him as I begin feeding him. After a while I go back to eating my own dinner.
"Are you not hungry or is my cooking just really bad?" I smile at Santana while placing my hand on her knee and squeezing it gently.
"I'm sorry, I'm just not hungry" she replies.
"Is everything ok or is that a stupid question?" I ask.
"It's fine, it's just been a tough week at work" Santana shrugs. "I'm glad it's Friday though and I can spend all weekend with Aiden. I was thinking of taking him out somewhere" she says.
"Oh where to?" I ask interested.
"I'm not sure yet but I thought I'd take a drive somewhere and maybe find a park or even go to an aquarium. I've got a feeling he'd like to see all the different types of fish there are" she replies.
"Sounds like fun actually" I smile. "I'm sure you and Aiden will have a whale of a time" I smirk before winking at Santana.
"Oh my god, I totally just got that" Santana says laughing. God I have missed her laugh so much recently.
"No seriously though, I'm sure Aiden will love it" I say genuinely.
"You're going to come with us though, right?" she asks looking at me.
"I don't know, I mean I didn't realise I was invited" I say honestly. "Do you want me to come with you two?"
"Yeah of course I want you to come. You know I like going everywhere with you" she admits shyly.
XXX
Aiden isn't quite fully asleep yet so we're both quietly waiting in his room for him to drift off. I suddenly get an idea so I pull out my phone from my pocket and text Santana.
To Santana: I love you
As soon as Santana's phone vibrates, I see her look at it before giving me a side glance. She then takes a deep breath and begins typing something. A second later my phone vibrates and I see she has replied to me.
From Santana: I love you too x
To Santana: I miss you
From Santana: I miss you so much
As I begin typing out a reply, I see Santana out of the corner of my eye stand up and walk closer to me. She sits on the arm of the chair that I'm currently sitting on.
To Santana: you look beautiful tonight
From Santana: thanks. Can I kiss you please?
To Santana: I would really like that
As soon as I type out my reply, I look up at her and smile. She smiles back before leaning down slightly to capture my lips in a passionate kiss. "I think he's sleeping ok now so maybe we should give him some peace" she whispers while standing up before holding out her hand.
"Ok" I nod while grabbing the baby monitor and taking her hand with my free hand. We quietly leave the room and Santana leads me downstairs. "Babe I need to talk to you" I say breaking the silence between us as we walk into the living room.
"About…you know…the decision?" she asks looking at me worriedly.
"Yeah" I nod, guiding us over to the couch to sit down.
"So what…"
"I want to do it" I say interrupting Santana and taking a deep breath. "I shouldn't need to think twice about it."
"Y-you…you want the termination?" Santana asks worriedly.
"I want our baby Santana" I smile brightly. "I want to give you a daughter or another son."
"Are you serious?" she says starting to get excited.
"Yeah" I nod enthusiastically.
"Oh my god, thank you so much" she says hugging me tightly.
"Babe you don't need to thank me" I say laughing. "It was the right decision in the end. I mean I would be lying if I said this was what I was always going to decide but I know for sure now we have to do this" I say honestly.
"You won't regret it babe, I'll be with you every step of the way" Santana assures me.
"Look, I can't say for certain it's going to be easy for me so I am going to need you more than ever. I know you are there for me but now we need to really make sure we communicate as best we can and doubts need to be sorted as soon as possible" I say.
"I completely understand" Santana nods. "I'll do whatever I can to make this process easier for you and if I'm not doing it then tell me what I need to do. Just shout and scream at me and I'll do whatever it is" she smiles.
"I'll hold you to that" I smirk at her.
"Good" she smiles again.
"I do want to ask one thing of you right now though" I say and she nods for me to continue. "I'd like it to be kept just between you and me for the moment since I'm not very far along" I tell her. It's still really early days so I'd like to wait until at least my first scan before we go ahead and tell everyone. I mean I know my mom already knows but I mean everyone else.
"I mean it'll be hard for me because you know what I'm like when I'm excited but I promise not to tell anyway" Santana says honestly.
"Thank you" I smile before leaning in to steal a quick kiss.
"So if you don't mind me asking, what made you finally decide this was the best option?" Santana asks curiously.
"I was talking to someone today and then it hit me, we are so blessed to be able to have children together and have the chance to be parents again so why throw that away. We've been given this opportunity so we should grab it with both hands because some people aren't always that lucky and can't have their own children" I say seriously.
"I can totally understand that" Santana smiles.
"Hey I'm going to get a drink, do you want one?" I ask while standing up from the couch.
"I am quite thirsty but let me get the drinks" Santana says while standing up. "You just sit down and put your feet up and I'll be right back" she says while helping me sit back down. I'm nowhere near that stage where I need help but I appreciate what Santana is doing so I just let her help me anyway.
"But you don't know what I want to drink" I say pulling her back by the hand as she goes to walk off.
"I'm sorry, what do you want?" she asks smiling.
"It's Friday so I'll go all out and have some red wine please" I smirk.
"Yeah that's not going to happen" Santana smiles while shaking her head at me.
"Fine, just water for me then" I say pretending to be annoyed. It was actually water I was intending to have but I just wanted to mess with her a little bit.
"Ok, I'll be back in a second" she says before leaving the room.
I remain where I am just thinking about things. I'm confident I've made the right decision about the baby but I do still have my worries. I must say though, seeing how happy Santana is and how eager she is to do anything to help me certainly puts me a little more at ease.
"Do you know I was just thinking, what if I took maternity leave and you went back to work early on?" Santana suggests as she walks into the room with the drinks. "It means you don't need to take as much time off work and at least one of us would be here looking after the kids."
"Would you actually want to do that babe?" I ask thinking about her suggestion. Of course I'd like to spend lots of time with the kids but it does seem like this might be an idea.
"I would be happy to do it plus I run my own company so time off wouldn't be an issue. I might just need to take on a few extra cases just now or just do less than normal later on but work from home with the children" Santana says.
"I guess we could think about that" I say keeping the idea in my mind.
"You would be less stressed if you don't need to take large amounts of time off work. I mean ideally you should take a few weeks but thereafter I could be the one at home" she tells me.
"We'll think about it and talk more deeply later on. It's a little bit early just now to be thinking of that" I say.
"That's cool" Santana smiles while sitting down next to me. "So should we inform your doctor first thing on Monday and see where we go from there?" she asks.
"Yeah I'll call on Monday and see if I need an appointment first of if we just get the first scan arranged. I mean now we know then I'd say it's pretty obvious I'm pregnant so I don't suppose there's much more they could do just now" I reply.
"That's true" Santana nods in agreement.
"So can we talk about something real quick?" I ask and Santana nods again. "I just want to make sure we're going to be on the same page if something did happen to me and I do start to make stupid decisions."
"I'm sure we will be babe but I'm going to be here for you every step of the way so don't worry" she assures me.
"Seriously though Santana, I give you permission to do whatever is necessary if something does happen to me. If I start to get unwell again then no matter what I say, do what's right for me and the baby. I don't want you to do something because I say, I want you to do the right thing. If I stop eating again then whisk me straight to the hospital or my therapist no matter if I'm kicking and screaming the whole time" I say honestly. I am taking a slight risk right now because I can't determine what will happen but if something ever did then I need to make sure Santana does what's best.
"Britt I don't want us to think like that because you'll be fine" Santana sighs.
"We have to Santana so please promise me" I state.
"Brittany, come on babe" she shakes her head.
"I'm being serious Santana, I need you to promise me you'll do whatever you need to" I say moving in closer to take Santana's hand.
"I promise" Santana sighs.
"Thank you" I say gratefully while leaning in to kiss her again. "I love you so much" I tell her honestly while looking into her eyes.
"I love you so much too" she smiles as a few stray tears fall down her cheek.
"Baby are you crying?" I ask wiping away the tears with my thumb.
"Yeah, sorry" she chuckles slightly while wiping away a few other tears that fell. "I was so worried in the beginning and now I'm so relieved that I couldn't help being overcome with emotion."
"That's ok, you don't need to apologise" I smile.
"You know that way where you've been so worried about something but as soon as it's over it's like you crash and just end up letting all your emotions out?" she says.
"Honestly you don't need to apologise for crying" I tell her genuinely. "There was this quote that I read once and I can't remember it exactly but it says something like this, 'crying is not a weakness, it's a sign you've been strong too long' and honestly, I think that's exactly right in this case."
"I guess you might have a point" she smiles.
"I know this is mostly my issue we'll be dealing with but I need you to talk to me as well if you're ever worried about something. Communication between both of us is really important through all of this" I say.
"I know and I will talk to you babe, I promise" she smiles at me.
"Good" I say while kissing her hand quickly before standing up.
"Leaving me already?" she jokes.
"No I'm just going to the bathroom, I won't be a second" I smile before leaving the room.
As soon as I come back from the bathroom, I don't sit where I was sitting before, instead I straddle Santana's lap on the couch. "What are you doing?" she smiles looking up at me.
"What does it look like?" I ask smiling as I wrap my arms around her.
"I can see what you're trying to initiate but should you be straddling me like this babe?" she asks in concern.
"You're very sweet but honestly you're worrying too much right now" I smile at her. "I'll tell you if I feel down or there's something wrong but right now I'm perfectly fine."
"Ok" she nods, satisfied with my answer. In all honesty I'm really not feeling in the sexiest of moods right now because my morning sickness is still unpredictable and I did have a hard day at work but I'm doing this for Santana. I know she feels really bad that she can't do more for me during the pregnancy and I have put her through a lot so I want to make sure she knows how much I appreciate her. Don't get me wrong because I do want this right now, I just mean personally I don't feel the sexiest even though I know Santana will disagree.
"Britt…hello" she laughs, pulling me out of my thoughts.
"Sorry" I smile.
"I know you like my breasts but surely they're nicer without the shirt covering them and honestly just staring at them won't make the shirt disappear" she teases.
"That's where I disagree actually because I did stare hard enough one day and your shirt ending up popping open to reveal your breasts" I smirk. I'm not actually joking, it happened.
"Baby for the 100th time, I was mid-stretch when you began staring and I popped out my chest too much that a button popped off my blouse" she laughs.
"Whatever you say" I shrug before leaning down to kiss Santana. No matter who is more accurate with the description, the moral of the story is that I ended up getting to fondle those amazing breasts which led to some really good sex.
"Shit…I'm getting hard already" she says as I begin kissing her neck.
"Perhaps we should move things upstairs before they get too heated down here" I suggests while slowing getting off Santana's lap.
"Good idea" she smiles while tugging on her pants slightly at the crotch before standing up.
"I love it when you get so hard so quickly" I smirk.
"Well you can love it even more upstairs so let's go" she chuckles while pulling me out of the room and up the stairs. She goes to open our bedroom door but I stop her.
"No, guest bedroom" I say shaking my head while leading us to the other room. "It's further away from Aiden's room" I explain.
"Oh is someone going to get a little noisy tonight?" she asks while winking at me.
"It all depends on how good you make me feel" I smirk.
"I'm going to rock your world, don't you worry" she assures me while wrapping her arms around me.
Have they made the right decision or the wrong one?