Batman's perspective:
The Malevolent Seven may have been a largely failed team of archcriminals, but catching all its former members was taking some doing. Half of them had required a difficult divide and conquer strategy for Batman and his team of crimefighters. The Riddler had been apprehended by The Batgirl and Catwoman. Bane had sent The Penguin into the hospital where he still was in as part of an attempt to frame crime boss Becky "The Hog" Traylor.
All that still left two remaining: Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn. Batman wasn't sure why they had taken their time, but they had pulled a few robberies together over the last couple weeks. Apparently, Quinn was using her new friend, Ivy, to satisfy her psychological dependence on her foolishly beloved Joker, who was in a padded cell. Robin had even joked that Harley was being unfaithful. Batman really didn't care. They needed to be stopped.
Considering how long it had taken Ivy and Quinn to make whatever preparations they chose to make and the quick rate of their crimes, Batman figured that the pair of criminal vixens were seeking to hatch one of Ivy's green schemes. By now they had the money to pull off something big. That would probably be a store that dealt in expensive, exotic plants.
Sure enough, after these weeks of searching, Bruce Wayne found an online news story while at work one morning reporting that the police were racing to stop a robbery at Cindy's Treehouse. This was a store that dealt exclusively in plants and was, in fact, the best place in Gotham City to find rare plants. Bruce changed into his Batman outfit and used his Batglider to cross town to Cindy's Treehouse.
As he reached his destination with still no sign of police, Batman carefully listened through an open window while staying out of sight.
"You've been good boys," said the insincerely sweet voice of Poison Ivy. "Now, why don't you do one more favor for your baby." Batman peeked. It was two security guards holding pistols up to their own cheeks.
"Don't, please," pleaded Cindy herself. "They have wives." My timing, not to mention luck, are still strong.
"Well, maybe this will teach them that you can't be soft on treacherous men," said Ivy, not mentioning that she exuded pheromones that had an almost supernatural effect on men.
"Yeah, my man may yell at, threaten, even hit me, but he ain't no cheater!" laughed Harley.
As Ivy groaned, Batman, despite agreeing with her disapproval of Harley's choice in a boyfriend, charged, jumped, and kicked at both women as they spun around too late to not be knocked down.
"Enter the apologist of the Earth killers," said Ivy. "Boys, he wants to hurt me." The guards immediately pointed their guns at Batman.
Not a problem. I've been through this with three athletes last year. Their attraction didn't outlast an attempt on their lives, and Ivy's already crossed that line. "She's using you," said Batman. "She's an eco-terrorist who hates men and, really, she doesn't even care that much for most women, just plants."
"Listen to him," Cindy chimed in. "She tried to make you kill yourselves. What kind of woman does that to her boyfriend?" But both guards cocked their guns. Maybe Ivy was right about these lusty fools after all.
Batman dodged a couple shots before throwing a pair of Batarangs that disarmed the men. Two punches and a kick knocked them out. Of course, Harley and Ivy were out of the store by then. Batman would have followed, but Cindy had been shot just above the breast and was screaming in pain. Helping her meant letting Harley and Ivy try whatever they were planning on doing with their ill-gotten plants, but Batman had always found ways of foiling those kinds of plots before.
Batman picked up the Batarangs that he had used to disarm the guards and sank both carefully into the wound to dig out the bullet. Cindy had stopped screaming. Now Batman got a bandage out of his belt and placed it firmly over the wound. "Are you alright," he asked. Cindy nodded.
Batman ran out of the store. No sign of Harley or Ivy. Without the Batmobile, he wasn't catching them. He snapped his fingers upon realizing this.
Harley's perspective:
It was like old times. Harley was driving the car after a successful job while her partner looked around for any pursuers. What fun! Only problem was that it wasn't the love of Harley's life she was driving home. No, it was Poison Ivy. Best friend and Harley would do anything for her, but she wasn't The Joker. Blood, even rough blood, was thicker than water.
"Harley, cops," warned Ivy. Harley looked at her rear view mirror. Three cop cars.
"Take the wheel, red," said Harley as she reached into the back seat for her bazooka.
"Ladies," said an officer over a megaphone, "Stop the car and come out with your hands up. You're under arrest for robbery." How charmin'! Harley leaned out the window.
"Hey, macho men," shouted Harley. "You caught yer pretty girls. Let's see if ya can handle us!" With that she revealed and aimed her bazooka. Waiting just long enough to see the officers' shock and horror, she blasted the roof of one car, killing both cops inside.
"They could only last a few seconds," Harley showed her disrespect for the dead. "What about you, boys? Or girls. I may be straight, but I'm open to new experiences. Think you can satisfy me?" She laughed out loud. It was a more girlish laugh than The Joker's, but the meaning of it was the same. Reminding herself that The Joker was still under lock and key made this a little less fun. Only a little.
The remaining two cars went out through an intersection. "Pussies," Harley shouted. "Win one game of "B"-ball and you scare 'em off!" Harley started laughing again and got back in her seat.
"You're a bitch," Ivy said playfully.
"I guess you'd prefer seducin' 'em before sendin' 'em to the clouds?" asked Harley.
"You've got to admit," said Ivy, "They die happier that way. Seriously, good work. You're a strong woman. Far too strong to want an abusive boyfriend again."
"Don't start."
"Why not? You don't need him. Or any man, for that matter."
"Hey, I may be strong, but I'm vulnerable. I crave companionship. And no offense, but you ain't him."
Ivy paused for a moment as if lost in thought before saying, "How about I get you a list of guys? Guys who won't take advantage of you. And I'll use my pheromones to smooth out their edges just in case."
"Same problem," said Harley. "There's only one Mistah J."
The Joker's perspective:
That night, Two-Face was watching a courtroom drama on one of the TVs in the rec room. The Joker sat down next to him and changed the channel to the news. "I was here first," complained Two-Face.
"Give me a break," whispered The Joker into Two-Face's ear. "Isn't it bad enough that I have to look at that face of yours when we pass by?" Two-Face growled and punched Joker in the face and off the couch.
"Guard," Joker pretended to be hurt, "He just slugged me."
"You know better than this, Dent," said a guard. "Maybe a week in the cell will teach you a lesson."
"But he insulted our face," Two-Face offered his case.
"Me? Insult a man's disability?" The Joker feigned offense. "I'm hurt."
"Shut up - both of you," commanded the guard. "C'mon, Dent." A reluctant Two-Face was walked away, leaving the remote control with The Joker.
As he chuckled to himself, Joker changed the channel to local news. Has anybody killed my old friend Batsy? Let's hope not. Nobody hurts him but me! And what about Harley? Whatever she's been doing, she should be ready to break me out of here by now.
The Joker watched in fury as he saw that Harley Quinn had robbed a plant store with Poison Ivy. "How dare she?" asked Joker. Not only was Harley not breaking him out, she had forgotten about him to partner with the tree-hugger.
"Guess your girl's forgotten about you," laughed a nearby guard. "Wouldn't surprise me if she's a cheater. Straights do turn into bis and even gays, ya know. Wait till I tell everybody here that you couldn't satisfy your girlfriend, Joker!" He started laughing, and all the guards and inmates in the room joined him.
Made fun of by one of the worker ants who think they can contain the great Joker. That is the last straw.
"It's depressing," said The Joker. "I want to go to bed early."
The guard started to take The Joker back through the hallways, but Joker pick-pocketed the pistol out of the guard's holster, shot him in the gut, and took off. "I'll let you know when I get her..." The Joker stopped. "...Oh, wait. You're dead. What am I talking about?" He laughed hysterically as he began his dash towards the entrance.
The Joker's flight out of Arkham was periodically interrupted by breaks to shoot guards and pick up their guns so Joker never ran out of bullets. Because prison guards, unlike police officers, didn't have too have much combat training, this felt like stepping on bugs. Eventually, The Joker got out and fled into the woods. He turned to shoot two more guards so they would give him a head start to Gotham.
It was a long run to town, but Joker spent every second of it thinking about Harley. She had some explaining to do.
Batman's perspective:
"Brace yourselves for a busy night," Batman told Batgirl and Robin. "The Joker's out of Arkham again."
"No sweat," said Robin, referring to The Malevolent Seven. "We've taken out a bunch of them before."
"They were together," said the cautious Batgirl. "This time, they're not in a spot where we've got the chance to nab 'em all at once!"
"Obviously, we need to split up," said Batman. "Robin's with me in the Batmobile. Batgirl, you chase your leads on the Batcycle."
As they drove away, Robin asked, "I wonder why Gordon's not calling us."
"He probably knows we're on the case," explained Batman. He and Robin began searching. They did stop a couple crimes in an hour's time before the Batmobile's police radio sounded. "Calling all cars. Calling all cars. Two ladies have heisted Jenny's." That was a jewelry store named after not the male owner, but his daughter.
"I don't get it," said Robin. "I thought the plant robbery was to set up one of Ivy's plots. They should have everything they need by now."
"Unless these ladies aren't Ivy and Quinn, I'm puzzled too," said Batman. Robin seemed surprised that Batman wasn't sure that it was Ivy and Quinn. "There are millions of women in Gotham, Robin."
Eventually, the Batmobile caught up to a car speeding away with Harley, Ivy, and a large, bundled-up sack inside. "Looks like they're the ladies we have to escort," said Robin. "To Arkham to be specific." Batman used the Batmobile's Batgrapple to hook the car by the bumper. Harley leaned out the driver's window, bazooka in hands. The rocket broke the cable and sent the Batmobile spinning out of control.
"Byeee," called Harley blowing The Dynamic Duo a kiss.
"Harley's got a bazooka?" asked Robin.
"She does now," realized Batman.
"So, what now?"
"They haven't lost us that easily. Ivy favors the countryside, and I know which way out of town that path takes her."
Batgirl's perspective:
Batgirl knew that Batman and Robin would be in pursuit of Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn. That freed Batgirl up to look for The Joker. He'd reportedly been seen with three men, one of whom had been identified as J.R. Swinney, who frequented a bar known as Lou's.
Batgirl barged into Lou's and sat on a bar stool. "Lou," she said forcefully. "Over here."
"Another pretty girl wants a tequila?" asked Lou, walking towards Batgirl.
"I'll buy," said a nearby patron. A few others volunteered. Ever since the professional news web site Gothic Report had stopped bashing Batman and Robin, what they and Batgirl were doing seemed more appreciated.
"Thanks anyway," Batgirl said to the patrons before facing Lou again and seizing him by the shirt. "I want something else from you."
"I ain't met the girl who can resist me," grinned Lou, "But I'm afraid you're too young for me. Maybe in a few..."
"Don't flatter yourself," Batgirl interrupted to laughter throughout the bar. "J.R. Swinney is one of your regular customers. I think he works for The Joker. Tell me what you know."
"I might know somethin'," said Lou, "But I can't rat on him. Not even to a pretty girl like you."
"Maybe you can rat to this counter when your face meets it?" asked Batgirl.
Lou was surprised. "You'd do that?"
"Think I'm a sweet girl who wouldn't cross the lines Batman would. Well, you're not exactly dissuading me."
"C'mon," seconded the first patron to offer to buy Batgirl a drink. "This is important. Tell her." He pounded the table, as did the others who'd offered to buy Batgirl drinks.
In his fear, Lou said, "OK, he's got the leased small building a few blocks west of here. Happy, bitchgirl?"
"She's not a bitch," said the first patron.
"Yeah," agreed the others.
Batgirl was tempted to let the bartender who wanted to protect a murderer get his, but she knew that wouldn't be right. "Don't hurt him, guys. You can't put fires out with gasoline." Her supporters calmed down.
"I think you saved my life," said a grateful Lou.
"More than you deserve," said Batgirl.
Riding the Batcycle to leased property west of Lou's, like he said it would be, Batgirl entered to find J.R. Swinney. "I give up," said J.R.
"Where's The Joker?" asked Batgirl.
"This way," J.R. lead her upstairs into room with a large monitor on the wall but no door or windows in which The Joker seemed to stand.
Batgirl ran at The Joker and seemed surprised when he didn't react to the sound of Batgirl running or the flying kick. Off came the head of the white mannquin with a purple suit, green wig, and red lipstick. Batgirl realized then that she had been tricked
Suddenly, a steel gate slammed on the open entrance. Batgirl and J.R. were trapped in the room. "What's the meaning of this?" demanded Batgirl to J.R.
Suddenly, The Joker appeared on the monitor. He seemed to be in a rural setting for some reason. "Why waste time on that slob when I'm here?"
"What do you want?" asked Batgirl.
"What's mine," said Joker. "And what's mine is Harley Quinn. Poison Ivy stole her from me, but I'm gonna show her that blood is thicker than water."
"And if Harley has sense enough to end your disgusting little relationship?" inquired Batgirl.
"That would sad..." began The Joker with a heartbroken look on his face. "...For her. As for you, I'd really hoped for old friend Batsy."
"Sorry to disappoint you," said Batgirl.
"Apology accepted, especially since this will no doubt make him want to die of guilt." With that, The Joker cackled in delight.
"That's not true," said Batgirl. "I walked into this trap. It's up to me to get myself out."
"What he doesn't know can hurt him inside," Joker kept laughing.
"Boss," said J.R., "How do I get out of here?"
"So sorry," said Joker. "You shouldn't have come in."
"This isn't right," begged J.R. "I've done all you asked."
"Except not be an idiot," corrected Joker. "I Never did like you, anyway. Au revoir."
"Lie down with dogs..." chastised Batgirl.
"Dogs are much bigger and stronger than bats," retorted The Joker. "Now to prove it. Ciao!" Gas began seeping in through the vents in the ceiling. No doubt the kind of gas that killed people with the lips pulled up into a smile.
"You gotta get us outta here," a scared J.R. gripped Batgirl by the high front part of her cape.
"You're not making it any easier," said Batgirl. "Hold your breath and nose. Don't stop holding them for anything. I'll do what I can."
"What if that's not enough?" asked J.R. frantically.
"Then we're dead. Don't look at me like that. I answered your question. Hold your breath and Nose. Now! The gas is about to reach us."
J.R. finally held his breath, nose, and seemed to be trusting in Batgirl. About damn time! Almost got us both killed. Batgirl held her breath and used her left hand to pinch her nose. She had only one free arm left to get them out of the room. And she had to do it quickly.
Batgirl was stumped. There were no explosives in her belt. How were they going to get out? The gas would last a lot longer than Batgirl and J.R.'s breaths. Then something occurred to Batgirl. The steel gate looked thinner than the concrete opening surrounding it. Batgirl picked up her Batgrapple with her free hand and moved three meters back from the gate so the Batgrapple with have the range to build power.
She fired the Batgrapple. The gate was dented. Batgirl began repeatedly retracting and shooting it to weaken the gate. After thirteen shots, she noticed that J.R. was running out of air. Wouldn't be too much longer before Batgirl needed air either. She delivered a running jump kick to the weakened gate that knocked it over. She and J.R. rushed out of the place.
"Thanks," said J.R. "You saved me. The media may call you a sidekick, but you're a real hero in my book."
"All I did was get us out of a trap I walked into," Batgirl blushed. "Any idea where The Joker's going?"
"589 Brunswick Lane," said J.R.
"Tell you what," offered Batgirl. "You tell the police - and I'm gonna check to see if you did - that this place needs to be condemned and that you'll testify against The Joker, and I won't take you in."
"Thanks."
"Go. I've got work to do."
Poison Ivy's perspective:
Harley had nearly driven herself and Poison Ivy back to their trailer home among tall grass and just miles away from the woods. "Y'know, Red," warned Harley. "B&R are really good at trackin' people they're chasin'. I think we should move."
"Oh, no," refused Ivy. "I'm through running. I say we weed The Dynamic Duo once and for all, if you'll pardon the bad, but fitting, pun!"
"I ain't afraid of them," Harley assured Ivy, "It's just that I've tried to kill them before. So have so many others."
"Believe you can't stop them and you won't," Ivy coached her younger partner. "They can be outsmarted. They're men, after all. The Batman knows me. Thinks he knows what my methods are. I'm petite and don't know how to fight but I'm a brilliant botanist who specializes in mutant plants and seduction. You're a follower with athletic ability and street smarts. Batman expects us to stay indoors and defend ourselves with my brains and your brawn. So we won't do any such thing."
"What have ya got in mind, red?" asked Harley.
"I've got yellow camouflage clothes and face paint to keep us hidden in the tall grass. We'll water the grass for the last fifty meters to the trailer..." she got a large bowl out of drawer, "...With this."
"Your chemistry set?" asked Harley, puzzled.
"You have no appreciation for science," Ivy sighed. "Even to those with our immune systems, this mixture of powerful plant liquid has a very powerful frangrance."
"Ugh," Harley sniffed it. "disgustin'."
"And to the persistent males 'courting' us, it's a lot worse than disgusting. Which, by the way, has an 'ing' sound."
"Nerd."
"Batman loves the element of surprise. This time, he's the one who will be surprised."
"Cool!"
"Mm-hmm. Of course, I'd ordinarily be no match for even a half-dead Batman or Robin, let alone both."
"That's my department." Harley chuckled evilly after saying that, and Poison Ivy put an arm around her neck in approval.
"Just remember that we're hiding in the grass. Don't come out until I say so."
Batman's perspective:
"You were right," said Robin. "We've been trailing Harley and Ivy because they left peculiar tire tracks, gusts of wind that pushed grass to the side, and other clues."
"It's next to impossible to leave no evidence when you're in a hurry, as they were," said Batman. "And it's about to be over for them."
The Batmobile stopped ahead of a large field of tall yellow grass. "Be quiet and discreet," said Batman as they walked towards the familiar car parked beside a trailer.
After a majority of the tall grass was behind them, Batman began feeling drowsy. "Robin," he said, "Are you feeling..." He cut himself off to look to his rear diagonal-left. Nothing out of the ordinary. "...All right?"
"No," said Robin. "I feel sick. Well, not sick exactly, but my head sure wants a pillow."
Batman took another look to his rear diagonal-left. Could've sworn I saw grass move over there. He and Robin walked forward some more before Batman stopped and looked rear diagonal-left again.
"Why do you keep looking that way?" asked Robin.
"Because I have a feeling," whispered Batman, "That if my eyes were one hundred percent, I'd be spotting two psychotic ladies camouflaged in the grass like the Special Forces." At Robin's reaction, Batman again whispered, "No rash action. We're in no condition to handle two archcriminals. Don't run, either. They'll know we're onto them. We make it look like we don't think anything's here, calmly return to the Batmobile for medicine and gas masks, and then return."
"I don't think there's anything here," said Robin out loud.
"Just another rural pair," Batman pretended to dismiss the trailer. They walked back towards the Batmobile.
Batman felt something very hard knock him down. Robin was decked as well. Batman could just barely dodge the third swing of Harley Quinn's baseball bat.
As Batman and Robin rolled to get a little distance and struggled to stand with temporarily sloppy bodies, Harley said, "Sick animals can't help themselves. It may be better to put 'em outta their misery."
"How come you're not sick?" asked Robin.
"Because what made us made us the women we are tonight," called Poison Ivy eleven from meters behind Harley, "Have left Harley immune to most poison and me to all poison on Earth! Unfortunately, you guys don't have this gift. You could really use it right now." Ivy then pretended to cry for her enemies.
Batman delivered a kick to Harley's bat to knock it out and failed. She knocked Batman back down with a blow to the elbow and a swing to Robin's jaw downed him as well.
"Man, if we were sober, we'd show them," complained Robin to Batman as they fell back. They were now hurt as well as groggy. They wouldn't last much longer.
"What's your point?" asked Batman. Robin shrugged. They each threw three Batarangs, all of which were blocked by Harley's bat.
"You aim's not so hot," critiqued Harley. "You guys have been workin' too hard. I'll help you rest." She giggled as she pounded the bat into her hand.
"So what's the plan boss?" asked Robin.
"We have to stick together and play it defensively," said Batman. "Until our strength returns, neither of us can hold our own with her alone. We attack together only when I say so." The plan was to block and dodge until Harley made a mistake.
Harley charged. The adolescent Robin lost his cool and charged as well. "Robin, no," shouted Batman. But it was too late. Harley blocked a side kick with her bat, causing Robin to fall, clutching his right thigh in pain from the feedback of unexpectedly kicking a hard object.
Harley raised her bat to take the finishing swing. Batman knocked her away from Robin with a flying kick, though Batman himself could no longer land on his feet. He crawled over to Robin and asked, "How's you leg?"
"Fine," said Robin.
"You better not be telling me what I want to hear."
"One side, Harley," ordered Ivy. Batman faced her just in time to see Ivy flick liquid contents of a bowl at Robin and him. While their suits offered protection against the liquid, Batman's face felt like it was on fire! Batman tried to fight through the pain, but the wooziness and pain left him unable to get up. Robin was in the same situation.
"Dynamic Duo... gotcha," Ivy declared victory. "A woman's touch has stopped you dead in your tracks."
"Won't be a figure of speech for long," Harley threatened with a smile.
"I took the fight out of you by mixing the components from plants with strong fragrances and sprinking them on our lawn," explained Ivy. "What I finished you off with was much simpler: rue sap. I'm sure you guys feel charred to the skull, but you actually have several days to treat it before it gets all that bad. What you're feeling now is a burning sensation. Nothing more."
Robin, why the Hell did you run at Quinn? You knew there was no room for mistakes.
Harley and Ivy high-fived each other. "Get his other leg," said Ivy as she gripped Batman's ankle. They dragged him by them over to the side of the trailer, then came back for the still-incapacitated Robin. "Now, to decide just how their demise shall happen..."
The Joker's perspective:
The Clown-Prince of Crime had hit the gas after leaving the city limits and its higher number of cops than those found outside Gotham City. He'd managed to trace a text that the street-smart but not exactly smart-smart Harley, as much as The Joker loved her, had been stupid enough to send without her tough boyfriend's necessarily harsh rules and enforcement of them. The reason he had hit the gas was because he couldn't wait until Harley came back to him or chose death.
"Do you have to drive so fast?" Larry, one of Joker's men, asked.
"Do you know why none of the smarter criminals want me to hire them, whether they like it or not?" asked Joker.
"No," said Larry. Figures. Larry's a Moron.
"Well, ask me that question again and you'll find out." Larry seemed smarter than he looked, because he shut up.
Honey, you're coming home. One way or another.
Batman's perspective:
Poison Ivy knelt down directly over Batman, who was still woozy, and whose face still felt like it was burning. The pheromonal attractant of Ivy was in effect. In this state, Batman couldn't be sure that he could resist the sexy woman who had once been Pamela Isley.
"Admit it," taunted Ivy. "I, a woman, am much smarter than you."
"On this night," Batman had to admit, "You put one over on us."
"Mm-hmm," acknowledged Harley.
"Very evolved," Ivy praised Batman. "As a reward, your death will be pleasant." She leaned down, toxic lips in a kissing motion.
"That ain't gonna work," objected Harley. "They'll like it." Batman had gotten a stay of execution. He might have been afraid of the more painful death that Harley undoubtedly had in mind for him and Robin, but gruesome childhood memories of the murders of his parents left Batman beyond fear of such things.
"What do you suggest?" asked Ivy, looking at Harley.
"I want them to feel pain," Harley grinned evilly. "Gasoline and a bazooka."
"Ew," said Ivy, getting off Batman and walking towards Harley. "Just how I'd expect a tomboy to do away with them."
"Nerd."
"Barbarian."
"Poindexter."
"Surrendered, battered girlfriend."
"You leave Mistah J outta this!"
Poison Ivy sighed. "Fine. I'll get a quarter."
"Settlin' this Two-Face style?"
"Yeah." Ivy looked at Batman and Robin with a savage smile. "Don't let them out of your sight." Then Ivy walked into the trailer. She was wearing camouflage clothes without pockets so she hadn't a quarter on her person.
"I've heard of quarrelsome girlfriends," whispered Robin to Batman, "But this is ridiculous."
"Remember," whispered Batman, "They're not ordinary women. They're insane. Their minds don't work like those of regular people."
"Whatever you guys are plannin'," grinned Harley, "Please, please, please, give me an excuse." She again pounded her bat into her left hand
Robin carefully whispered, "Any ideas?"
"I've sent a distress signal to the Batsignal," Batman whispered. "Gas won't work on them and Quinn blocked our Batarangs even before Ivy hit us with that rue sap. Batgirl's pretty much our only chance."
"Think she'll come?"
Batman sighed. "When we parted ways in the Batcave, she had no reason to believe that we were going to need help. And if she didn't check for messages, we're not getting any help. And if she found The Joker but hasn't caught him yet..."
Robin said nothing. Ivy came back out with a quarter. "Heads," she said, "They die happy. Tails, you can blow them up."
"How come you get to be heads?" asked Harley.
"Because I'm the smart one," boasted Ivy. "That's why." She flipped the coin.
"I won! I won," declared Harley. Ivy was frowning. "Now, now, don't be a sore loser. I'll get the bazooka and gasoline."
"First of all," said Ivy. "I don't have to watch this ugliness. Second, you're not killing any grass for this little game of yours. Take them to the dirt road. And, no, I won't compromise on this."
"Fine, tree-hugger," said Harley. She loaded Batman, Robin, the bazooka, and a tank of gasoline into a car and drove them away.
"Don't you try nothin'," said Harley, pistol in hand. "I'll give you somethin' down there and it won't be a BJ!"
Upon reaching the dirt road, Harley dragged Batman and Robin away, poured the gasoline on them, and drove a distance away.
"What are we gonna do?" asked Robin. He and Batman were still weak.
"When she's about to shoot, cover yourself totally in your protective cape."
"Will it save us?" Robin perked up upon hearing an idea.
"I don't know."
"I understand." Robin's spirits were down again, but Batman wasn't about to lie to him.
Harley hummed a dirge Batman had heard numerous times at funerals before firing. Batman and Robin covered themselves in their capes. Batman felt intense heat but not pain.
"Buh-bye," called Harley. She drove away. Batman and Robin got up. Their capes had saved them, though the capes themselves were ruined. And they would have been needed to get through the wall of flames that now surrounded The Dynamic Duo. They weren't out of this yet.
"What now?" asked Robin.
"Stay inside until the flames go out," commanded Batman. "And hope they don't spread inward first."
"That's not very reassuring."
Batman couldn't tell how much time had passed. At least ten minutes. Maybe a hour. But his heart rose at the sound of the Batmobile. The flames were put out by the fire extinguisher Batman kept in the Batmobile.
"Guess I arrived just in time," said Batgirl.
"Never underestimate a woman's touch," Robin lurched over to Batgirl and hugged her as best as he could in his condition.
"We weren't necessarily going to die," said Batman, though survival would have otherwise been unlikely, "But thanks for your help. We've been drugged and our faces are burning."
"On it," promised Batgirl.
Poison Ivy's perspective:
Ivy was watering her plants when a joyful Harley barged in.
"They're toast," declared Harley, jumping and cartwheeling for joy.
"Other than the way you did it, well-done," Ivy hugged her.
But then the sound of a car driving up to the trailer could be heard. Harley and Ivy checked through a window. It was The Joker and two hirelings of his. So prince charmless wants his punching bag back. Not if I can help it!
The Joker and his men entered. Harley instantly jumped into Joker's arms and hugged him. What a doormat!
"So I guess this is goodbye," said Ivy reluctantly. As big a mistake as Harley was making, she was a grown woman.
"Permanently," said The Joker. "Boys?"
"Do you have to?" asked Harley.
"She tried to take you from me," said Joker. "Of course, I do. She's got to answer for that." But with luck, The Joker was the one who would end up dead, now that he'd given Ivy a reason to kill him.
Ivy activated her pheromones as Joker's men put their pistols in Ivy's face. "You don't really want to hurt me, do you?" she asked in mock horror.
"No," said both men.
"He does," Ivy pointed at The Joker. They pointed their guns at him.
"What the Hell is this?" asked Joker. "You're my men."
"Were your men," grinned Ivy. "Now they're mine. Shoot him."
"W-why don't Mistah J an' I just go back to town an' get our own henchmen? You can have 'em."
"Sorry, Harley," said Ivy. "He tried to kill me. He has to die."
"We're mortals," said The Joker. "We all have to die." With that, he ripped open his shirt to reveal a time bomb strapped to him. "Once I activate this, you can either abandon your weeds or let me torch those outside. Lovely choice you have there, Pammy!"
Ivy went from happy to nervous. "Shit! Fine. You're free to go."
The Joker began laughing. "I thought I was the comedian."
"OK, Harley will go with you if you want."
"Bye, Red," Harley waved her goodbye.
"You just don't get it, do you, Pammy?" asked The Joker with a broad smile. "You have rules and morals. More extreme and twisted ones than Batsy's, but you have them. Me? I don't believe in rules. And I find all life, including my own, to be a joke. This bomb is the punchline. Ergo, I have the leverage to make you do anything I want you to do."
Ivy knew he was right. She could save herself and Harley, but not without sacrificing a lot of plants. And that was something she could not do. "What do you want?" she asked.
"For you to start calling me 'Sir,'" said Joker.
Ivy sighed. The Joker had her over a barrel. "Can we at least make governments stop deforestation and pollution, sir?" Ivy practically choked on the last word.
"Compatible with the pranks I play, if only because I don't care about plants or animals," said Joker. Then this might work out professionally. Although emotionally, it'll suck worse than Arkham!
"Boys, guns," commanded The Joker to his men. They handed the pistols over and were shot dead. "Justice for traitors," said Joker in an aristocratic, Renaissance Age accent. "Now, Ivy, Harley and I have some catching up to do." Joker placed his right hand on Harley's left shoulder; she immediately swooned. "Make yourself useful and prepare us a candlelight dinner."
"Yes, Sir," said Ivy. Working for The Joker served the greater good for now, but the day of the double-cross was coming.
Batman's perspective:
Batman felt much better. Ten minutes after he'd taken some of the antigens in the Batmobile, he was still not one hundred percent, but well enough.
"How are you?" he asked Robin.
"Getting there."
"Then break out the gas masks. We're going."
As Batman, Batgirl, and Robin went back to the trailer, Robin asked, "How'd you know, Batgirl?"
"The Joker caught me in his own death trap," explained Batgirl. "I survived. Saw flames in the distance. Figured I'd put them out."
Entering the trailer, they saw The Joker and Harley Quinn eating dinner together in the kitchen as Poison Ivy brooded on the living room couch.
"No," screamed Harley. "I blew you guys to Hell."
"I see their princess in shining armor showed up," guessed Ivy.
"As if you bitches could kill my old 'pal' Batsy before me," laughed The Joker. "Well, don't just stand there in disbelief. Help me rectify your ineptitude."
The fight was on. Without his cape, Batman had to dodge the acid from The Joker's flower until it ran out. Joker drew a pistol and began shooting. He was very accurate; he'd maneuvered Batman into a fall onto his back when the gun clicked. Batman lunged and decked the clown with a right cross.
Robin dodged several swings of Harley Quinn's bat, some of which knocked objects over. Eventually, Harley slipped on a piece of broken glass and fell. Robin held the bat down under his boot and said, "Don't make a mess."
Batgirl blocked some rue sap with her cape, then caught Poison Ivy in a Batbola.
"Once again, you've all lost," declared Batman.
"Not yet," said Joker. He pressed the button on the bomb strapped to him.
"Uh-oh," realized Batgirl and Robin at the same time.
"Get the other two out of here fast," ordered Batman. Seeing that his young comrades were hesitating, Batman yelled, "Now!"
"Please," said Ivy, "My plants are on the kitchen counter."
"I'll get 'em," said Robin as he did so. "A gentleman never argues with a lady." After he secured the plants in his arms, he chuckled. "You got me. We just have no time." He, Batgirl, Harley, and Ivy were running out. They were saved.
Trouble was, who was going to save Batman or The Joker? "Turn it off," he said.
"No can do," said Joker. "This is the perfect way for our rivalry to conclude."
Not exactly what I needed to hear. Better let him... who am I kidding? I couldn't let him die without trying to reason with him any more than I push over a skyscraper.
Robin's perspective:
"What's taking him so long?" asked a worried Batgirl.
"Use your brain," suggested Ivy. "If you even have one."
"He'll do it," Robin kept the faith. "He always does."
Sixteen seconds later, the sound of an explosion could be heard. Soon-after, the trailer caved in.
"No," shouted Batgirl, Robin, and Harley in disbelief, even if they were not all afraid for the same man.
"Yes," shouted Ivy. She began giggling like a schoolgirl. "That was so sweet! One big ka-boom and The Dark Earth Killer and Clown Prince of Domestic Abuse are both out of my beautiful hair."
"Wrong," insisted Robin. "He made it out. Not that I'm happy about that either, but he probably saved dipshit, too! You'll see."
Ivy laughed at that, much to Robin's ire. "I would've guessed you to be old enough to drive a car by now, boy," said Ivy.
"She might be right," Batgirl said softly.
"Watch and learn," Robin refused to doubt Batman. Within a few minutes, a gloved arm pushed some trailer wreckage away. "What did I tell you, ladies?"
Batman got up, although worse for wear. "Thank God," said an overjoyed Batgirl.
"Where's my puddin'?" demanded Harley.
"I waited until the last second," assured Batman.
"Murderer," cried Harley as she tried to charge at Batman, but was restrained by Robin and Batgirl. "He tried to save your screwed-up boyfriend," Robin tried to point out.
"Don't bother," said Ivy. "She's lost all reason when it comes to the clown."
"At least she understands love and not just using the lust of others," said Batgirl.
"Since there wasn't anything we could have done to save The Joker," concluded Robin, "All's well that ends well."
"Not this time," said Batman. "You nearly got us killed tonight. We'll discuss that later."
That cheered Harley up. "Robin's in trouble, Robin's in trouble," she sang.
Bruce's perspective:
Bruce Wayne, Dick Grayson, and Barbara Gordon were sitting down together in Wayne Manor. Barbara preempted the grilling Dick had been promised by saying, "Just checked the local news sites on my phone. They couldn't find The Joker's body. They say he couldn't have survived, that he must have been disintegrated. But who really knows?"
"If he survived," said Bruce, "He'll be a problem tomorrow. The current issue is Dick's future on this team. I hate firing people. It doesn't feel good to fire people you know and like. It feels even worse if the person being fired thinks he or she might be fired, as you have to right now, Dick. But sometimes it's necessary."
There was a long pause. "Do you have anything to say?" Bruce asked Dick.
"What is there to say?" asked Dick.
"You won't fight to remain my partner?" asked a surprised Bruce.
"If you insist," said Dick. "Why am I fired?"
"Remember how Batgirl had to save us?" reminded Bruce.
"I'd do it again," said Batgirl.
"Good to know," acknowledged Bruce, "But what got Batman and Robin in trouble was that with them weakened, Batman knew that they had to play it carefully and defensively. Yet Robin still lunged at Quinn. He got himself hurt. As Batman checked the sore leg of Robin, Ivy had the chance to finish them with rue sap."
"I know I screwed up," admitted Dick. "It won't happen again."
"I wish I could believe that," said Bruce. "But it's been a year of this and you still seem as green as the first night you put on that suit. You haven't learned from your mistakes. Batgirl has."
"Girls mature faster than guys," said Dick.
"No excuses," said Bruce sternly. "Not in this line of work. You're either great or you're dead. We could have been killed. I'm ending this before you do."
"Listen," said Barbara, "I can help him get back on track. We'll spar right now."
"I'd thought that you loved him," said Bruce.
"I... guess I do," said Barbara.
"Then you should let me do this," said Bruce. "He can't last like this."
Dick looked at him hard. "All right, Bruce. I'll just have to prove I can grow into this role. I'll make my own costume and crimefighter name and leave town. I hear Bludhaven's as bad as Gotham was before we showed up."
"You want to go it alone?" asked Barbara.
"Didn't you go it alone for awhile?" asked Dick.
"Y-yeah," said Barbara. "But with me... the thing is..."
"What she means," explained Bruce, "Is that she has a level head and you don't."
"Then I'm going," said Dick. "It's the only way to prove myself to you. To both of you."
"You turned eighteen weeks ago," understood Bruce. "There's nothing I can do to stop you. But you won't make it without us catching you when you fall."
"You don't know that," said Dick. "Maybe having to fight alone will give me the motivation to stop making so many mistakes."
"Or you could die," said Barbara.
"It's my life," Dick reminded her and Bruce.
"If this is your decision," said Bruce, "You've got our support to the end. I'll make sure you've got a college admission lined up for you in Bludhaven. But what are its people going to know you by night as?"
"I'll let you know," said Dick.