C6

"Will you not unburden yourself mellonamin?" It was Aranel who sought her out in the soft light of morning, her voice was low and her words spoken in Sandrian. Tauriel cast a watchful eye over the company.

The dwarves were still sleeping, wrapped in their bedrolls on opposite sides of the fire and still not speaking after whatever they had spoken of in their own language the night before and Mithrandir was sitting smoking his pipe as he had done through all the hours of the night, his eyes fixed firmly on the fire in front of him with no sign of him paying much attention to what was not in his own mind.

The wizard was yet to truly speak to her since she had rode away from the group and after their pursuers, from the way he acted she was almost sure that he was less than pleased with her. Not that she blamed him, reckless and foolhardy, she'd heard others call her when her back was turned, quick to temper and action. Perhaps they were right but she had learned the true finality of life and had found it best sometimes to take action rather than sit back and think about it. In many ways it could be said that she had stopped behaving as elves should, she thought less and acted quicker but she could not, even with what injuries had befallen her, bring herself to regret the changes to her character or mode of operandi.

Much had changed in the last decade of her life. She had witnessed and experienced much and seen much of the world that had been so much outside her preview in the Woodland realm. Kili had only been the start of her own great adventures but she would have given up every single one to have known that he lived if it were by her side or not.

"What would you have me say that you haven't already guessed?" Tauriel asked, turning away and looking into the lightening wood.

"Anything, the truth or what it is that has turned your mood dark and introspective." Aranel replied. Like it or not Tauriel knew that her friend was concerned for her.

"I went against all convention. I loved a dwarf, fought next to him and saved his life where I could, although not when it counted most. He is dead and buried in solid stone these last ten years. I shall never see him again, it is no longer of consequence." She looked at her, shrugging softly. "There are times as of late that it feels as though his passing happened only yesterday, where my soul feels weary and torn apart and where I wish to do nothing more than fade into the twilight one final time."

"And yet you have kept the cause of your own pain hidden these years wherever you went, even from those who could help you?" There was compassion that could have been mistaken for pity in her voice had Tauriel not known her as well as she did.

"The Lady of Lórien knew, Lord Elrond also but there was no purpose in letting others know more than I lost meleth e-gûr nîn." She breathed. "The help the Great Lady could have offered me was not worth the cost and many others lost just as much or more than I did in the aftermath of the wakening of the dragon."

"But you caught the notice of two of the High Elves of Arda?"

"I got myself banished from the Mirkwood when I choose Kili over my own King not once but twice. I had nowhere else to go and as you well know Lothlórien is open to all and the Lady's compassion seems to know no boundary of position or cast." She watched Aranel raise both her eyebrows as if to say that she did not entirely believe her. "My parents were killed on the edge of Mirkwood leaving me alone and far too young to look after myself properly. Prince Legolas found me and took me home to his father who, perhaps in a moment of madness, choose to keep me and raise me as his ward."

"You were raised as the daughter of the King of the Greenwood?" Now Aranel really was looking at her like she had lost her mind.

"Ward, not daughter. I was raised in his household, under his rule and influence and yet on the outside. A lowly Silvan elf risen high by friendship within the King's own kin." She corrected her softly. She had always looked more fondly upon her King than he had ever looked upon her.

She looked back on her informative years fondly but knowing, as she had always known, that she wasn't any more than what she had been born. She had roamed the wood with Legolas as guide, protector and friend. She had learned to fight, track, hunt and commune with the inhabitants of the forest with her Prince by her side and in these trips he became her dearest companion and the closest thing she had to a brother. She still couldn't pinpoint the moment that had changed for him and it had turned into more but she knew the moment well that it had all changed for her and she knew that she would never be able to return his most ardent feelings.

"What was it like?" Aranel asked.

"Growing up ward off a King?" Tauriel shrugged. "All about education, diplomacy and duty. The kingdom first above all else, even family, friends and love. King Thranduil raised me as best as he was able and where he was unable to give more others in his household made sure that my life included warmth too."

"And being in love?" Aranel's smile clearly conveyed that Tauriel had not answered her real question.

"I knew him for such a short time. It was heavy, terrifying and painful. While I knew him, he was shot with a morgul shaft, was almost killed by orcs and a dragon and then fought in one of the largest battles of my lifetime. I was either losing him or I had lost him, there was never time for much more." She said sadly. "But it is more than many can hope for and I hold my memory of what time there was close."

"It sounds like an adventure." Aranel smiled encouragingly.

"He was." She nodded taking a deep breath. She looked over as one of the dwarves turned in her sleep, drawing her blankets closer as she did so and Gandalf sighed around his pipe, his eyes flickering toward them. He was listening to them even if he was trying to be unobtrusive about it. "We will make a late start today. They deserve rest."

"Did he look like her?" Aranel followed Tauriel's attention to the sleeping dwarves but didn't seem to notice the wizard as he was staring back into the fire's flames.

"He got his eyes from her and sometimes she'll speak and I could almost swear all I had to do was turn around and he would be there. He was taller than her, a couple inches taller than Fili also, his coloring he got from her too for it is the opposite of his brother's, he was dark haired and strongly featured, strong of mind and body and so very sure of himself." She closed her eyes and breathed deeply of the earth around her. The scent of the forest had changed so little from the days of her early childhood and it still felt comforting as though in promise that her home hadn't changed the same way that she had. "He never seemed to have the fears that I did. He loved me and that was all that mattered even when it cost him his life." A light breeze lifted the hair from her cheek, the horses shifted at the tie line and for a moment she could almost feel him there, his presence like a ghost whispering reassurances through the trees conjured by her memories. Then she opened her eyes and the feeling was gone.

"You saw him die?"

"No, I saw the killing blow and the efforts made to save him in the days that followed but relations between dwarves and elves were worse than they are now and I was removed from Erebor. It was days later I got news of his passing while I held my own vigil in the city of Dale and from there you know the rest." Tauriel shuddered.

"I cannot confess to understanding it all but for your loss I am truly sorry." The younger laid a hand on the elder's shoulder before letting it fall away and heading to the other side of camp leaving her to her thoughts.

In truth Tauriel had never understood it either. Before Kili she had been so focused on her work that she had never paused long enough to seriously consider the opposite sex. Perhaps it was because he entered her life as a part of that work that he first made her see him but there was so much more to him than that. He had flirted and joked with her even as she had incarcerated him, he had treated her with care and consideration when the others had slung insults in her direction. He had been strong, brave and bold in his dealings with her, even when fighting for his life.

"Amrâlimê." He had called her in front of his kin and even though she had not known the word she had understood it's meaning but she had turned away in fear and out of duty. Ilúvatar, what she would give to change that moment, to go back and go with him, face what was to come by his side rather than in desperate search of him. To call him, meleth e-gûr nîn, without fear and have the hope for more than just a moment frozen in time.

That was not, however, her fate. The morning would rise once more and with its rising she would get the opportunity to go back to the home of her youth. She would once more be able to serve her King and her people. She would do her best to find purpose in the forest and hopefully encourage her people to continue to work alongside their dwarven neighbors with less fear and contempt. Perhaps that was Ilúvatar's plan when he allowed her heart to become entangled with Kili's.

"I am going to find lunch!" Dwalin stood, carelessly tossing a set of papers into the table next to the large wing chair he had been occupying as he stood and stretched. The older dwarrow had hardly left Kili's side since they returned to Erebor except to sleep and eat, not that the young Prince had complained. The pair of deerhounds that had been given to Kili as a gift by the King of Dale lifted their heads from where they lay lazing next to the banked fireplace in the study that he had taken over as his own as Dwalin moved. The Prince grunted his acknowledgement of the words but didn't look up from the paper work he was pouring over from behind his own desk. The older warrior didn't bother to wait for further leave before he crossed the room and left.

One of the dogs whined with the older dwarrow's departure making Kili look up and over at the canines. The dogs made good enough companions but he often times felt they were wasted cooped up in his study the way he seemed to be these days.

While King Bard's ambassador couldn't be easier to deal with, the ambassador from Mirkwood caused his head to spin with his complaints, demands and contempt. King Thranduil had most likely been deliberate in testing his patience when he had appointed Lord Círon as his interim ambassador. The uptight bastard was going to set back elven and dwarven relations by centuries before he was through if he wasn't careful.

He hated to admit it but King Thranduil was right that there was no one but Tauriel who would likely treat fairly with his people until the path had been shown to them by one of their own. Even the elven retinue that had been sent with the ambassador treated the dwarves they were forced to coexist with, with a barely veiled suspicion and oftentimes out right condescension. He had hoped that by the time Tauriel arrived he would have a well-functioning relationship with the elven faction and that Thorin would look on them more favorably rather than with frustration as they all did now. He had wanted to make the transition easy on his beloved but was instead wishing she was there already just to help him put to rights the mess that he seemed to be flailing in after only a few days.

Kili groaned, letting his forehead fall on top of the desk in front of him as he looked over yet another housing complaint from Lord Círon. So far the furniture had been unsuitable, the rooms had not enough access to the outdoors (despite three separate balconies), the decoration out of taste, the bedrooms too drafty, the staff rooms too far from the main receiving room and now the study didn't have enough bookshelves. He couldn't seem to keep up with the elf's demands nor did their daily meetings seem to go well. The ambassador refused to speak to him of anything of import, he would only speak to King Thorin and so far any council that he had been asked for was given as though the elf Lord were talking to an imbecilic child. His uncle was quickly losing patience with him and so was he.

"Going that well brother?" Fili's voice made his head snap up from the desk to glare in the direction the crown Prince was standing.

"What do you want?" Kili asked coldly. The brothers hadn't spoken since Kili had left for Dale and it wasn't for lack of trying on Fili's part. The younger of the brothers had been deliberately avoiding being in the same room alone with the elder and nothing short of a direct order from his uncle was going to make him stop.

"To mend things Kili." The expression on the crown Prince's face was pained. They had grown up so closely together. All of his life Fili had cared for his younger brother, practically raising him after their father's death when their uncle had been more concerned with putting food on the table and their Ma had been out of her mind with grief and barely able to function. Being out of sorts with one another was not their norm and left them both feeling unbalanced even if the younger was unwilling yet to acknowledge that fact.

"I'm not in the mood." Kili snapped, scooping up another set of paperwork, this time an old trade agreement from an old dwarven family agreed upon before Smaug laid claim to the mountain. He gritted his teeth as he tried to read it all the while too aware of his brother's eyes on him.

"I didn't mean to blame you Kili." Fili closed the study door behind him and one of the dogs stood to investigate the newcomer.

"You meant the words you said, do not try to placate me now when you simply wish you hadn't said them." He put down the papers he was looking at and glared at his brother. He watched his brother scratch the head of the inquisitive dog as he rubbed the back of his own neck.

Fili looked tired, there were circles under his eyes, his braids were not in their usual meticulous order and he seemed more drawn. He had been separated from Sada too long, Thorin was leaning on him heavily, both as heir and advisor and with their Ma gone too there was no one there to offer the familial support that he was used to. Although trained in languages, diplomacy and statecraft along with strategy and war craft from an early age by their uncle, as was fitting for the next generation of the line of Durin, the retaking of Erebor had seemed like a long away pipe dream to both brothers until suddenly it had been achieved and their lives forever changed. For the first time in ten years Kili forced himself not to feel concern for his brother, he was strong, he could look after himself even though it added stress but he couldn't take his stress or anger out on him anymore.

"And how would you feel were you in my boots?" The blonde sighed.

"I am not in your place, my circumstances are my own, however, I do not take my grief out on you as you have taken yours out on the whole mountain these last months." The brunette replied.

"You may not take it out on us but we have to watch you live in it." Fili sounded frustrated and tired like all the wind had been knocked from his sails. "There are times when I long for the days of guarding merchant caravans, working with my own two hands at a forge and living the life of farmers in Ered Luin. Times where I wonder if gaining Erebor was worth the cost." The sigh was deep, the words spoken in trust of the company he was in despite their dispute.

"I would not wish it so." Kili replied after long moments of watching his brother stare into the fire coals.

"No, I'm sure you would not." There was an edge of irritation to the words. Both brothers knew that what the younger meant by his words was that he would never wish to live again without knowledge of his elf maid's existence.

"What would you have me do brother?" Kili stood, his words spoken with venom from behind gritted teeth, as he slammed his hands down onto the desk in front of him. The crack his fists made echoed around the room and made Fili's head snap round so that blue eyes engaged with brown. "Wish her forgotten? Or worse actually forget her and what it is like for my heart to beat in time with another's? Would you wish me and another into a loveless alliance to suit a kingdom? Do you wish me to be less than who I truly am?"

"And who you are depends on loving an elf?" His brother sounded incredulous. "You barely knew her for more than a two weeks and a handful of days Kili!"

"It means less to you because I knew her and spoke with her only for the time we had near one another? Unless you know a lass all of her life as you've known Sada for the eighty-two years she's drawn breathe, it doesn't count?" He snarled. "Leave Fili, before you say more you will come to wish you hadn't. I'm too busy for this."

"That isn't what I meant." Fili paled slightly, lowering himself into the chair that Dwalin had vacated rather than leave as requested. "Why can you not speak objectively with me on this topic?"

"I am as objective as you are when speaking of Sada. A dwarrow can only be so much so when discussing his amrâlimê." Kili nearly growled at his dog as the animal laid a head in his brother's lap and Fili turned doleful eyes on him once more.

"Amrâlimê." The crown Prince said the word as though testing the weight on his tongue. To declare someone amrâlimê was to declare them the missing part of your soul returned to you. It was love but more than that, precious and irreplaceable in a way that none would seek even to try.

"I live without her because I have a duty here or I would have left these halls myself years ago when I had healed to find her myself. What Dain did was ill done and in the deepest part of me I know that she believes me dead or she would have come back to the mountain, Thorin and Dain be damned!" Kili softened slightly. "It is in my best interest for your betrothed to have stayed so you could be wed and produce an heir and I would have been released of my duty so I could go after Tauriel myself. I would never wish on you the life I have led without her these last years."

"But you would leave me here?" He sounded completely mystified.

"It wouldn't be forever and you'd have Sada, Ma, Uncle and a family but it's a moot point now Fili." He looked over at his elder brother. Fili had always been the strong one, the rock, the place that he always knew he could go when it felt his own foundations had been shaken. How long had his brother been hiding his own cracked foundation?

"A moot point?" Fili raised one blonde eyebrow.

"Uncle didn't tell you?" Kili suddenly wasn't sure what to do or say. Why wouldn't his uncle have told his heir? Was he that sure that he was going to turn Tauriel away if she was ever found to take up the appointment that the King of Mirkwood had decided upon for her? Did no one think she could actually be found?

"Uncle refuses to talk to me in an unofficial capacity lately." Fili admitted leaning forward a little, his hands clasped together in front of him and his brow furrowed. Now his brother was digging for information, the crown Prince, not just his brother any longer.

"This is a matter of state." He shrugged. "Go talk to uncle and leave me in peace."

"You mean leave you to sulk." Dwalin's voice had him changing the direction in which he was looking. "The King of the Mirkwood has appointed his pointy eared lass as ambassador to Erebor. He's sent his son to fetch her from the west so she can take up the appointment."

"From the west?" The crown Prince was on his feet his voice holding the same level of irritation that their uncle's had when he had heard the news from Lord Círon. "They've known where she was this whole time?" He had gone from incredulous to outraged in the space of a breath.

"Lord Círon assures me that all they've ever known is that she went west. They aren't even sure where she is. Prince Legolas is going northwest to join the Rangers and is going to spread word to try and reach her when he reaches Rivendell." Kili answered him with a tired shrug and a sigh.

"And you're happy with that explanation?" Fili threw both hands in the air as he seemed to explode from his seat.

"No but for the first time in years I can hope again."

King Thranduil raised his glass to his lips and sipped on a delicate red that had been gifted to him by King Thorin when he had sent Lord Círon and word of Tauriel's eventual appointment. Twelve cases of different wines of excellent vintage from the time before Smaug that felt more like payment than a gift and made him want to rethink the appointment he had made and keep his once ward and captain of the guard in his personal service. He had time to think it through, there was plenty of wine to drink and no word yet that she had even been found let alone began her journey back to the Mirkwood.

"Hîr nín Thranduil!" His seneschal strode confidently into the throne room and bowed at the base of the stairs that led to his raised throne.

"Uiron." He acknowledged him with a wave of his hand, his attention switching from the wine in his hand and his missing guard captain to the seneschal that had served his family faithfully for nearly two millennia.

"Hîr nín there are whispers in the forest." He stood from his low bow.

"You disturb me for whispers?" He raised an eyebrow. Uiron was not usually the excitable type.

"Normally I would not, Hîr nín, but the trees are whispering of Tauriel's return." The seneschal was schooling his features well but he could tell that he was pleased. Uiron had always taken an interest in Tauriel since she was brought into his purview as the King's ward and at one point Thranduil was sure the seneschal had believed she would take an interest in his position and would one day apprentice and take over as the seneschal of the Great Wood. Tauriel's skills had led her to the military arts instead of those of administration but she had never lost his regard. Uiron had even spoken to the King on her behalf when she had been banished.

"Tauriel?" Her name caused both of Thranduil's eyebrows to rise. He had gotten no word from his son or even from the source herself to say she had been found let alone on a return journey. "Speak with Elarinya, have her take out a patrol and have Tauriel brought before me!"

"She is not alone. She travels in the company of dwarves and a wizard." He replied.

"Be gracious with our guests but have her brought before me none the less." With a wave of his hand he dismissed his seneschal, who bowed low before hurrying off to his duties. Perhaps the problem of his ward were more pressing than he had previously thought.

Glossery

Mellonamin – my friend

meleth e-gûr nîn - love of my life

Hîr nín - My Lord