Hearing
She hears talking. On and on it goes, but she doesn't listen. She knows they're talking to her, but she doesn't care. She hears the phone ringing. It's harsh bell cuts into her core, but she ignores it. She knows they want to talk to her, but she doesn't care. She just sits there, ignoring the world as it goes on around her.
He hears the whistle of the train as it pulls into the station. "Everyone please prepare to disembark. Welcome to District 12, and welcome to a new day in Panem." A new day in Panem he thinks. He's heard this at every stop on the way, and he wonders what it really means. He thinks Plutarch has too much time on his hands if this is his idea of a motivational greeting. The sounds of the district surround him as he steps on the platform. The hammering of nails, the squeaking wheels of the carts used to carry the dead off.
"Peeta," he hears to his side. "Good to see you back." It's one of the old District 12 residents. He doesn't know his name, but he remembers seeing him around...before.
After a short conversation, Peeta heads off towards Victors Village. Soon, the sounds of town are replaced by the sounds of the woods off to the side. The rustle of the breeze in the trees, the songs of the birds. He thinks the woods might be a nice place to relax before stepping into his house, and facing whatever awaits him there.
She first hears it in a dream, but it's real. It's crazy how real sounds infiltrate our sleeping life. The crunch of the earth, the scrape of a rock, the thud of the dirt on the ground. It's the rhythm of work. Crunch, scratch, thud. Crunch, scratch, thud. It's the sound of a shovel, digging a hole. In her dream, she is at the bottom of that hole, and people are shoveling dirt in, burying her under it all. First Glimmer, then Rue, Cato, Marvel, Cecelia, Wiress, Gloss, Cashmere, Boggs, Pollux, Finnick.
Prim.
Even awake the sound carries on. It's the sound of a shovel, digging a hole. Crunch, scratch, thud. Crunch, scratch, thud. How dare they? Who do they think they are? She doesn't know who- or what- is making that sound, only that it needs to stop. She can't stand it any longer, so she stomps angrily out the door to face whatever ghosts await her. She knows it isn't rational, but what in her world is truly rational?
She stops short with the slam of the door behind her. He's standing there, leaning over the shovel, and planting something. The sound of her breathing and the beating of her heart are all she can hear at first. What is it he's planting? Roses? How dare he!
"What are you doing?"
"I went to the woods this morning and dug these up. For her," he says. "I thought we could plant them along the side of the house."
No, not roses. "Primroses" he says. "For her."
And she stomps away, door slamming behind her once again, feet pounding up the stairs like the dull thud of the dirt clumps as he fills in the holes.
He hears all of these sounds. The door slamming, the heavy breathing, the angry voice (or was it scared? He's not really sure), the door again, and the feet stomping up the stairs. He wonders if he's done something wrong, something stupid. The last thing he wanted to do was to screw this up. He's better now, he knows he is. He just doesn't know if she is.
It isn't long before he hears more noises. More stomping, glass crashing. He decides maybe it's best if he just finishes what he's started, pack everything up, and go home. So he begins.
He's almost ready to go when he hears the door again. Looking up, he sees Greasy Sae standing there.
"Well boy, welcome home!" She says, sounding like she means it.
"Thanks," he says a bit dejectedly,looking down. "I didn't mean to cause trouble. Tell Katniss I'm sorry, please?" He almost begs.
"No need for that. That's the most she's moved since she got back!" She's almost giddy. "I think you're going to be good for her. Come by tomorrow for breakfast, and bring some bread, ok?" Asking the question, but he knows it's more of a command. He may not have many memories of her, but he knows by the sound of her voice there is no use arguing. People do what she says.
"Sure," he smiles back. "I'll see you then." He turns the wheelbarrow around, the wheels squeak as the shovel knocks around, and he's off, feeling a little bit better than before.
She hears the hiss. He's the last thing she wanted to hear. The last thing she expected to hear. That damn cat. Of course he came back! And to what? A bombed out district, ashes, dirt, and no Prim. Dammit. No Prim.
"Go away you damned cat! Leave me alone! She's not here, so you can just move right on!" She screams at him, throwing pillows and kicking her feet his way. The pillows hit the wall and fall to the ground, her feet slam into the floor, but do nothing to deter the damned cat.
He won't leave. He just meows louder at the noises she's making. Soon her screams turn to sobs, and then sobs turn to a keening neither has ever heard before.
Buttercup sits just outside of her grasp, letting her get out her anger and frustration and grief.
The keening goes on and on, into the evening.
He hears it all the way from his house. This unearthly noise, disturbing the quiet sounds of crickets and cicadas chirping in the early evening. He rushes out his front door, wondering what direction it's coming from, and then he knows. He knows what it is. And it's coming from her house.
He rushes over, thinking someone is there, bothering her. He's prepared to defend her. She may not be ready to see him, but he'll be damned if he lets anyone or anything bother her again. He will protect her now, just as they've always done.
He hears the cats meow, and can't believe his ears. Buttercup is back. Of course he's back. That's so like him. In a way Peeta thinks Prim has something to do with this. The two things Prim loved most in the world, her sister and her cat. They need to be together.
Peeta stays outside, knowing the last thing Katniss would want is to be seen in this position. So he stays out and listens. He waits until there are no more sounds coming from inside the house.
Once it's quiet, he goes in as silently as his natural stride and his prosthetic will allow. And there she is, in a ball on the carpet, with Buttercup circling her, as if he, too, is trying to save her.
Peeta gently picks her up, both afraid to leave her, and afraid she will wake up. She doesn't even stir as he carries her up to the room he remembers as hers. From back when they were friends, when they would spend hours in her room working on her plant book. The only sound now is the rhythm of his gait on the stairs.
He thinks back on that time in between, when they were able to spend time together, just the two of them. Those were some of the best moments of his young life. In those moments, they enjoyed each other's company in a simple, innocent way. They would laugh and talk. He hopes to hear that laughter from her again, hopes to hear her voice say his name one more time.
The phone rings. That could only mean one of two people: Dr. Aurelius, or her mother. She's not sure which one she'd rather speak to less. But she's made a promise to Peeta to try. So she answers it and listens for the voice on the other end to identify themself before she speaks.
She listens to the good doctor tell her to keep up with her routines, keep talking to others (especially Peeta because he really does seem to reach her when no one else does).
She knows he's right, about everything. It still irks her to have to say it out loud though. Because the last thing she wants to admit is that he's right.
The phone rings. It could only be one person calling him, because no one else is left to call. So he picks up the phone and listens to the good doctor tell him to remember his breathing exercises when the stress gets to be too much. And when things get too intense with Katniss, it's ok for him to step back and let Katniss deal with her own problems in her own way.
He listens to the doctor tell him that he's doing so much better than anyone ever expected. So much so, that he'd like to write a paper on Peeta's progress. He's not so sure about that. What good would it do? He can only think that the last thing he needs is more people knowing about his torture. Peeta tells the doctor he'll think about it. But he already knows he wants to say no. Maybe he'll talk to Katniss about it? No, she'd definitely say no. Not the most objective viewpoint. Maybe Haymitch. Yeah, he thinks he'll head over there as soon as this phone call is over with.
Winter is always so silent. The snow falls silently. The house is quiet, at least during the day it is. At night it's a different story.
It's the voices in her head she can't stand. It's been a year since Prim died, since the war ended. But still the voices rage on. They wake her up in the middle of the night, screaming for justice. Justice that death has denied them. So they haunt her instead.
She's so tired of it all. She can't stand it, really. So she does the only thing she can think to do in the middle of the night. She screams right back.
She screams until her voice is hoarse, and then she screams some more. She jumps out of bed and knocks her lamp over. It makes such a satisfying sound that she knocks her other lamp over. Not content to stop with that, she begins to throw the blankets and pillows around too. Next comes the dresser. It lands with a loud thud. The bedside table is easier to throw. It doesn't go far, but it does make a satisfying "crack" when it lands on the floor.
This goes on and on until there is nothing left standing in her room but herself. And she hears the huff of her breath and the beating of her heart as they calm her down. She may have a mess in front of her, but finally, she feels like she's winning.
Peeta is sleeping with the window open, like he always does, even in the dead of winter. He thinks that's why he hears it so loudly, that and the new fallen snow has increased the echoes across the Village.
The screaming he's used to, but this is a different sound. This is a thud and a bang. This is a crash and a crack. He hears Buttercup screech in the night, and hears him thud down the steps. Peeta imagines Buttercup is happy to leave the scene. But it makes Peeta wonder if he should go over and see what the problem is.
He heads out into the quiet evening, or what was once a quiet evening. He hears the doors of other neighbors open and close. They are obviously wondering what's going on over at Katniss's house, but too afraid to step in. He guesses it's a good thing he's there.
He steps into the house and notices the crashing and banging has stopped. He cautiously walks up the steps and peers into her room. She's standing there breathing deeply.
He climbs over the debris in the room to get to her. Wrapping her up in a hug, he asks carefully, "Feel better now?"
"Yeah," she lets out a sigh, and breathes in his scent. "Yeah I do." She allows her arms to cling to him.
"Then, why don't we work together to clean this up," he says ever so gently.
"Thank you Peeta," she responds quietly.
"You're welcome Katniss. Anytime."
And they both know he means it.
Saw, thud, bang, zip
The sound of rebuilding fills the air. For some reason Katniss doesn't like this. To build over the lives that used to be. She's afraid they will all forget, move on, act like these people who died at the wrong end of the bombs never existed, or weren't important.
There are the heroes she thinks as she looks at what used to be the meadow.. Madge, who brought morphling to Gale when he was lying close to death on her kitchen table. Darius, who stood up for Gale and it cost him first his freedom, then his pride, and finally his life. He may have died in the Capitol, may have been a peacekeeper from 2, but still. He was 12 just like the rest. The shop owners, the miners, all of those who toiled away each day, beaten down by the Capitol and the only thanks they ever received was a death sentence they didn't even know was coming.
She runs off to the woods, anxious to replace the sounds of rebuilding, of forgetting, with the sounds of a stream, a bird, the wind through the trees.
Saw, thud, bang, zip
He's gone into town for the first time since he's returned. He wasn't sure what to expect, but he's surprised at how far the clean up has come. He notices that foundations are being laid for shops and homes. The whole scene makes him both happy and melancholy at the same time. Time marches on, and the rebuild needs to happen, but somehow it still seems so fresh, so new.
"Peeta!" The men yell, "come over here!"
He heads in their direction, knowing all along where he is going. He takes deep breaths to control the voices in his head. "Not real," he mumbles. "Not real."
By the time he's to the work site, he knows he's gotten his demons under control. "So, this is it, is it?" He asks, trying to keep the anxiety out of his voice.
"Sure is Peeta," Thom tells him. "It's yours you know. It's your property now."
"Anyone asking to buy up these lots?" He asks waving his hand in the general direction of the bakery and the other torn down shops, trying to avoid what he knows will be asked next.
"Yep. Plenty of interest. But yours and the Cartwrights are the two we know of that have first dibs."
"Have you heard from Delly or her brother?"
"They want a building here, but they're not ready to come back yet. We said we'd build it, and they have a year to claim. She seemed fine with that."
"Sure." he nods. "Makes sense."
"What about you Peeta? What's your interest here?"
He knew this question was coming, he prepared all last night for it. The voices seems to get louder in his head though, so he answers quickly, "I'll take it. I'll get back to you on the plans for it. But I think I'll rebuild."
And he quickly heads home, the voices following him all the way.
Katniss doesn't see him or hear from him for two days.
She's forgotten how loud he is in the woods. She supposes it's to be expected. He was loud with two good feet, let alone now, with a prosthetic. Still though, it's a good thing she wasn't planning on hunting. The animals have all fled, because of the racket they're making.
At least he has enough sense to not talk while they walk. Sometimes the words are not only hard to say, but hard to hear as well. He's always so careful, so gentle, so afraid of hurting her.
What she really wants is for him to yell at her. To tell her how awful she is. Because she knows how horrible she really is on the inside. She knows she doesn't deserve all of this kindness he constantly shows her. That's why the words hurt so much. Because she is sure he doesn't mean them. He can't, can he? Why would he? She's done nothing but hurt him since the day he gave her bread.
So they walk in silence until they get to the clearing. They sit and relax in the calm forest, listening to the sounds of the world around them. It quiets her inner thoughts.
He smiles at her and thanks her for showing him this place. She tells him that this is where she and Gale would meet, and then she pretends to ignore the subtle clearing of his throat.
Once again, she's sure she doesn't deserve the kindness of his unsaid words. So she closes her eyes, leans back to the ground, and just listens.
They've gone into the woods. She has a spot to show him, it's just past the fence. It's the first time he's ever ventured into the woods beyond the fence. He remembers his mother telling him stories of evil things that lived beyond the fence. It's the last place he wants to go, and the only place he wants to be, because he's with her. Even after everything, he'd still follow her anywhere.
So with the sound of their footsteps echoing through the trees, she takes him to the clearing she where she would go with Gale. They sit, listening to the wind blow through the hills and the valleys. They listen to the birds sing in the air. He wishes she'd sing a bit, but knows better than to press it. He's just happy to sit here with her, the sounds of the earth coming back to life around them. Just as they are coming back to life.
Katniss was walking past the downstairs bathroom when she sees it. Buttercup is leaning over the toilet, trying to reach something and he falls in. He's out in record time, hissing and spitting at both the toilet and Katniss. She doesn't know why he's mad at her, she didn't do anything.
The sound just bubbles up to her throat from her diaphragm and she can't help it. She's laughing before she knows it. And not just laughing, doubled over belly laughing. So hard her stomach muscles are aching.
It's been so long since she's laughed, she feels guilty. Well, she almost feels guilty. Who wouldn't laugh at Buttercup in this situation?
For the first time in a long time, Katniss feels a bit lighter. She's not sure how long it will last, so she makes a mental note to remember this moment and hang on to it, ready to pull it out when she needs to.
It happens so suddenly that he thinks he's hearing things. He's walking by her house on his way to town when the noise makes its way out of the door and into his hearing.
Someone is laughing. It's been awhile since he's heard that sound. He runs up the steps and leans in the door. There she is. Katniss is doubled over laughing at something Buttercup has done. The sound puts a smile to his face. It's one of the best sounds he's heard in a very long time.
She lays together next to him, in the clearing, staring up into the blue sky. The meadow is beginning to grow over, now that the snows have melted and the ground begins to dry. But it's still too soon to go there. She's sure they will all yell at her if she does.
She hears the birds singing, "That's a chickadee" she says.
"And that was a dove, right?" he volleys back. She's been teaching him the sounds of the birds. "Yep! Good ear Mellark!" and she smiles at him.
"I heard you, the other day," he says seriously.
"Heard me? What?" she's a bit uncomfortable now.
"Laughing."
"Oh," she smiles slightly. "Buttercup fell into the toilet." and she begins to laugh again, in spite of herself. He laughs too.
"It's nice to hear you laugh."
"Yeah…" she answers unsurely. "It felt good too. But then it doesn't."
"It's OK to be happy sometimes, you know," he tells her.
She's heard this from Dr. Aurelius. She's heard this from her mother. She's even heard this from Haymitch. She's never believed them. But now? Hearing it from Peeta? She's not sure why, but it's only his voice that reaches her. She thinks she might be close to accepting happiness again.
They lay together in the clearing, listening to the sounds of birds in the trees. The crickets chirp happily around them. Katniss has been teaching him the sounds of the birds, and he's getting pretty good at it too. But there's one bird he hasn't heard sing yet. The mockingjay. He knows they love to sing along with those whose voices they deem worthy. He wonders if today will be the day the mockingjay chooses to sing.
They talk about happiness, how it's OK to be happy again. He's not sure, but he thinks she's listening to him now. He looks at her and smiles, then reaches across and squeezes her hand.
"It's OK to be happy Katniss. Prim would want that, you know."
They've been sharing a bed now for a while. Ever since the night after she destroyed her room.
It began while they were having supper at his house. The conversation between them just went on and on, and before they knew it, it was midnight and both of them were yawning. It happened naturally. Peeta stood up and asked, "Come to bed?" And she did.
As time went on, more and more of Katniss's things stayed at Peeta's until one day they noticed there was more of her at his place, then at hers. So, they packed the rest up, made the appropriate phone calls to her mother and the good doctor, made sure Buttercup understood, and that's where they were.
What Katniss forgot is that she is the loud sleeper and Peeta is the quiet one. It's so quiet at nights next to him, the only sound she hears is his solid heartbeat where her head rests on his chest. It soothes her soul.
But sometimes, before bed, she hears noises coming from the bathroom. The water is running, but she's pretty sure she doesn't hear him brushing his teeth or washing up. What she hears are grunts, groans. She knows he's trying to be quiet, but he isn't succeeding. She even hears the occasional, "Fuck Katniss", but it's pretty quiet.
This makes her smile in a way she didn't think it ever would.
He's trying to be quiet. God he feels like an ass. But he can't help it. She's right there, and she's in his mind and in his thoughts all of the time. If he's going to make it through the night without scaring her away, he feels like he needs to do this.
It isn't every night, but it's enough. It's being in such close proximity to her he tells himself. It's hearing her humming as she finishes up the dishes. Or hearing her curse the cat because he's gotten underfoot again. He's not sure exactly what sets him off, probably anything and everything. He just knows that Katniss makes him hard, just by being herself.
So, before bed some nights, he turns on the faucet and pulls down his pants. He tries to keep his groans to himself. Tries not to talk so loud, make so much noise. But God she's so beautiful, and gorgeous. The way her ass looked in those pants the other day. The way her tits were just so perfect in that shirt. When she wears her hair down, he just wants to pull it to hear her groan. The unassuming way she moves around in her nightclothes, forgetting that the only thing that exists between their two bodies is a thin layer of material. The sounds she makes as she stretches in the morning. "Shit! Ungh! Fuck Katniss!"
He cleans himself up and finishes getting ready for bed, careful not to meet her eye as he climbs into bed.