A little different than the last chapter but I stand by it. Unfortunately!
* * *
Wade Wilson woke up to a blinding headache, which was odd considering he hadn't drunk a single drop the night before, he shook his head and looked around him. Hmm springy bed mattress? Check. Hot fiancé? Check. Body parts intact? Close enough. Mediocre apartment? Check. Obnoxious Writers? Wait a minute...? This isn't a movie script! Why the fuck am I being written by a guy sitting on the can?
"Hey you!" He yelled to the writer. "Yeah you. Who the fuck are you. Oh a fanfiction writer are you? Great. Just fucking great. Let me guess you're gonna write all about your angsty life while putting me as you and go around pairing me with ridiculous people who I would rather kill then fuck? Like that one with me and old Metal Claws or maybe it's another of me and Cable? Or Negasonic? She fucking underage dude. And-" He shuddered for dramatic effect. "Those horrible ones that pair me with Francis!"
At that point Vanessa woke up and Wade was momentarily distracted by her exposed and completely naked body slithering out of the sheets and on top of him the tips of her aroused breasts rubbing against his scarred chest.
Oh it's gonna be one of those is it? He thought to himself. I hope he rated this fic M because there is no way I'm not making her scream my name like she did last night. And the night before that. And the night before that. He snickered to himself as he slid his lips over hers still astounded that she could love someone who looked like him. As he began to get ready to deliver his soon to be wife's morning wish though he paused.
"I'm not usually this considerate but since this is Vanessa I'm not sure I want the 2000 or whatever amount of readers who read this to get intimate with my pre-wife and jack off to her. So you'd better make this a T rating and fade to black in the next 30 seconds."
"Wade," complained Vanessa. "Who are you talking to?"
"No one honey," He smirked down at her bare form. "Now where were we?" he leaned down and put his lips to her collarbone making her shudder in pleasure. "Oh right here..." and he leaned into her as they both lost the selves in ecstasy.
Fade to black...
Wade listened to Vanessa turn the shower on and picked up the remote to turn on the TV only to be bombarded by the news showing Metropolis being decimated by Batman and Superman then Doomsday showing up to try and kill them both. He blinked once and then turn his head.
"Last I checked Batman V Superman was a movie. A very bad movie at that, definitely not as good as mine which came out a couple of months before that piece of crap. What are you doing man? What the fuck are you doing?"
He turned his head again. "Hey you dick heads who keep reading this idiots story, do me a favor and tell him in the reviews to not fuck with my continuity. The last thing I need is to have to deal with Batfleck and Chiseled Cavil... Oh wait a fucking minute..." He said as Wonder Woman dropped in front of the two superheroes and blocked Doomsdays heat vision. "Oh I remember this, Gal Gadu or Gadott or something, oh I got to get me some of that!" He positively salivated at the sight of the woman in tight armor, sword and shield.
"You've got no chance," smirked Vanessa back from her shower with her hair in her towel and nothing else droplets of water slipping down her toned body, she looked at the woman herself admitting that she was hot as hell.
"Wanna bet sweet cheeks?" he asked fully prepared to back down if she blocked him point blank.
An excited gleam lit up her eyes as she looked from the now battling Amazon to her soon to be husband, her scarred and mutilated soon to be husband who she loved regardless.
"Okay, if you can convince her then we can see what unfolds." She winked at him smiling devilishly and sauntering out of the room in search for clothes. Wade did a silent jump for joy punching the air completely naked.
He turned around. "For the reader who are confused my beautiful, intelligent and lovely wife to be has offered me a chance at a threesome should I be able to convince Gal Gadott/ Wonder fucking Woman the idea."
"It might take a bit of work considering," He looked down at his scarred body and shrugged. "But the dick head writer has brought the idea into the story so he now has to follow through even though I'm sure he didn't consider my current physical state before writing Vanessa's proposal down. Either way unless he deletes this chapter, sometime in this story I get to have a threesome with Wonder Woman and Vanessa! Fucking awesome! Now I gotta get to that fight. Gotta make a great first impression. Only problem is Metropolis doesn't exist in this universe... "
Just then the news channel reporter came on screen. "And while Superman and Batman along with a new Heroine fights this monster in Metropolis, believe it or not we have bigger problems to face. It seems as if we have suddenly acquired a new city right next to ours. What is being labeled by STAR Maps as New York City, similar occurrences have occurred throughout the United States and the president has promised to address the situation soon... "
"Aha its happening right in our back yard," He pulled out his phone as he started to get dressed with one hand. "Yo. Dopinder buddy, I need a cab man..."
Dopinder's cab pulls up at the site of the destruction just as a red and blue streak comes smashing through the building in front of them and lands flat on the hood of the taxi.
Deadpool jumps out of the car and flips himself on top of the roof lying on it to peer closely at the Man of Steel. His mask doesn't allow any emotion that be conveyed which is good because it hides the massive grin he has on his face right now.
"Hey big guy." He wakes the hazy Kryptonian up with a few taps to his cheek. "Hey man you don't look so good. Here," He holds out a small round device with a belt hoop at the back.
"Whats this...?" Clark asked still reeling.
"A convenient plot device," He muttered softly before speaking a bit louder. "Its a teleporting device. I got it off some close friends recently. It can take you anywhere you want as long as the charge holds."
The dumb idiot shook his head. "No. I've got to get back..."
"And die?" Wade asked in a bored tone. "What good is that going to do to anyone?"
Clark slid off the hood and stumbled to his feet using the hood to keep himself steady. A loud roar echoed nearby which they both ignored.
"Who are you?" Superman asked resisting the urge to clutch at his ribs. Thing about being invulnerable most of the time, is that when you do feel pain it's so much worse because you've never felt anything like it before.
"Me? Oh I'm just your friendly neighborhood mercenary. And you are done. Seriously you need a mentor as good as the one your cousin has because this is just ridiculous. You just took two blasts in the face from Kryptonite Gas Grenades you're obviously not up to your usual standards and now you want to fight Doomsday? Dude you are so going to die."
"Doomsday? And what cousin? I don't have a cousin."
Deadpool smacked a palm on his forehead. "Oh of course I forgot. DCs stupid continuity says that the TV and Movies are separate."
"What?" Clark asked as a loud crash was heard from behind them.
"Never mind that boy scout. The point is; what's the point of fighting this thing half cocked knowing your going to lose and die leaving this entire city defenseless?"
Clark gritted his teeth defiant. "I can't leave," He insisted. "That thing needs to be stopped before it tears the city apart."
"Yeah," Wade snarked. "But not if I have anything to say about it. And believe me I've got lots to say. Don't worry me and the Bats and Wonder Minx will distract it while you skeddadle for a bit, fly up into the sun and recharge a bit before going to seconds with old Doom and Gloom back there." He hooked his thumb behind him just as something black and small looking suspiciously like a man in a bat suit was propelled into the air at tremendous speeds before a red and blue clad figure flew up and caught him flying slowly back down again.
Clark blinked. "Wait how do you know that the sun..."
But Wade had had enough. "You know what?" he asked sighing and twisting some dials on the teleporter. "Here catch." As soon as Superman out of reflex caught the device it blinked once and he was gone in a flash of light.
"Finally some peace and quiet," He muttered as another roar shook the walls of the buildings around him. "Dopinder, thanks for the drop off man, I'll owe one." He gave the wide eyed cab driver two thumbs up and disappeared up and over a low wall.
Dopinder looked at his meter. "Actually you owe me $7.50 Pool." And he drove off.
Wade entered the scene to see a disoriented Batman being steadied by Wonder Woman. They caught sight of him and froze for a second as they took him in with his skin tight red and black suit, two Katana's, his twin .45s and of course his Hello Kitty ammo bag...
Wade reached behind him, tapped his bare back except for his two scabbards and groaned. "Oh come on!" He yelled at empty space. "Once in the movie is fine but this is just too much!" He yelled at apparently someone only he could see.
"Who are you?" Batfleck asked moving in front of the minx as if he could offer any sort of protection for the Amazon.
"Just your friendly neighborhood..." He started then reconsidered as a loud roar sounded behind him. "You know what? The pleasantries can wait, how bout we kick some mutated alien ass?" he reached back and whipped out his two swords and turned just in time to see the lumbering heap of abomination formerly known as Zod come at him. He twisted to the side avoided the monsters reach and slashed at its legs just as Bats jumped out of the way and Diana jumped into the air.
She slashed at Doomsday with her sword doing considerably more damage than Pools Katanas and flew back at the resulting roar. The slashes were already healing though and Wade groaned his frustration knowing that conventional weapons were not going to cut it with this one.
He caught site of Batman gearing up to throw a batarang and rolled his eyes. What did he think, that this was an Arkham game?
"Hey bats?!" You still got some Kryptonite on you?"
Wayne fumbled for a bit but shook his head even as he dodged away from Doomsdays punch. Wade muttered to himself as he looked around for something to use against this thing when his eyes lit up on the battle suit that Bats had abandoned. He sprinted to the suite and spots the Kryptonite spear lying near it he grabs it and rushes towards the monster just in time to see it grab Diana.
He reaches the beast as he starts to slam Wonder Woman to the ground and stabs the spear into its upper thigh the highest point he can reach. Doomsday howls in pain and anger dropping Diana to the ground and flailing it's arms around to try and swat the thing that hurt him. It succeeds and Wade flies off the ground spear in hand and slams four stories high into the building behind him he groans in pain and slides all the way down to the ground fully aware that all the bones in his body has broken.
His eyes though still remain open as he watched Doomsday move back to the assault reaching down again to pick up a bedraggled Diana just as a loud clap of what sounds like thunder sounds overhead, in the clear sky.
Deadpool let's go of a little smile unseen behind his mask as a red and blue streak comes rushing down, faster than the speed of sound and slams into the creature causing dust to go up all around them as superman sonic punches Doomsday into the ground.
Ten seconds later Clark is standing over him concern flickering on his too handsome face and all Wade is thinking is why couldn't he have been Diana.
"You're hurt." He says all signs of tiredness and injuries gone post his close up sun tan.
"I noticed," groans Wade as his already healing hand shoved the spear into Clark's hand. His solar charged body temporarily immune to the rocks effects.
"Shove it into the big guys heart and give him a fuck you from me." He says and then passes out.
* * *
Caitlin picked up on the second ring just as she pulled into Palmer Tech her fear and panic had forced her to break all speed limits and she was in Star City in record time, what concerned her though was from the vantage point on the highway that showed a massive view of the city she could see the outline of skyscrapers in the distance that she was pretty sure wasn't there the last time she visited.
Not looking at the Caller ID expecting it to be Cisco she answered the call. "Cisco?"
"Cait." Came a halting voice on the other end that she could recognize anywhere.
"Barry?! WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO!" She yelled at the man completely losing her composure.
"Cait... Caitlin. Cisco's hurt Cait. I need your help."
Caitlins anger left her as fast as it had arrived; the pain in Barry's voice had peirced through her heart. He was obviously crying.
"I'm... I'm at Palmer Tech. Arrow Cave. Barry can you get to me?"
"I'm on my way." Was all he said and hung up.
Cait looked from the phone up to the massive skyscraper that was Ray Palmers legacy but saw nothing. All she could hear was two words; Cisco Hurt.
Whenever Deadpool gets involved the story will get dirtier, funnier and kind of less serious. Its just who he is.