Chapter 2

Rose

After the fight Dimitri and I had, I spent the rest of the night focusing on Lissa and my thoughts about how I can become shadow kissed again. I pondered over and over again ways that wouldn't require me dying but nothing came to mind.

Lissa, noticing that I was lost in deep thought, asked, "What's on your mind Rose? You look like you're coming up with one of your crazy plans again."

"Why does everyone always think I have some type of crazy plan going on in my head? Do you guys think I'm some mastermind in some hero/villain novel? Cause if that's the case I am definitely the hero," I said with triumph.

"Or we could just say you were thinking of having me light someone on fire like the good ol' days," Christian said flashing one of those wicked smiles and arching his eyebrow. Seriously, what is it and people being able to do this?

I shot him a wicked glare and said, "Can we all agree that I've already got myself into enough trouble over the last two years? I don't need anymore reasons for people to tarnish my beautiful reputation. After all, who doesn't love themselves some Rose Hathaway?"

"You're right Rose. How dare we think that you could be some mastermind of, oh I don't know, coming up with a hunting party, an escape plan, breaking out of prison, going on the run after said breakout, finding my long lost sister and taking a certain princess away from society? Who would've ever done that?" Lissa said chuckling all the way through.

"Yeah yeah yeah let's just have a roast Rose party. Hey Dimitri!" I exclaimed. "Lissa and Christian are having a roasting party about the one and only Rose Hathaway. Care to join in the festivities?" I asked.

I watched as he shook his head with a smile on his face and sigh. "Someone has to keep up the rear to protect Christian and her majesty. Not all of us can relax and have fun while on guard Rose," he said with a touch of annoyance in his voice.

Just when I thought we were done arguing for the day, this argument looks like it doesn't want to die at all. I turned around to face Lissa and walked off to the side to resume my position in our guardian circle. Lissa's face turned from happy to feeling guilt over me getting scolded by Dimitri. I walked in silence then, keeping a lookout on my side for any signs of a threat while also letting my mind wander to thinking about becoming shadow kissed.

I know Dimitri loves me but right now, I feel like he wouldn't be happier than to watch me disappear. It gets real annoying really quickly when he talks down to me like I am a child. Sure, I'm younger than him but just when I keep thinking we're looking at each other as equals, he goes all teacher mode on me and talks to me like we're back in the gym at the academy all over again. I thought we were past this but I guess we aren't.

We kept walking around court until Lissa was fully calmed down and back to herself. I took two hours before she got to this point. When this first happened it took fifteen minutes. But as time goes on, it's becoming harder and harder for her to come out of these meltdowns that are caused by spirit. I've tried to convince Lissa to stop using spirit but her argument is always this, "Rose, I get that you're worried and you have every right to be but I am the queen now. I have to help my people as much as I can, no matter the cost to me. We've had more and more moroi getting sick or injured as the strigoi are making braver attacks against them. Court doesn't even feel safe sometimes. I had to put me going to college on hold so I can do my duties as queen. I know it's a lot but if I can sacrifice a little bit of myself to further help my people, then I'm going to do it." That's been her argument every time I bring it up and every time I have nothing to say back to her. That's why I am so determined to become shadow kissed again. If Lissa is willing to sacrifice a piece of herself then so am I. I took a bullet for her, I sure as hell will become shadow kissed again for her. The question now though is: how can I do it?

Dimitri

Once we returned back inside to where Vasilisa's quarters are, the other guardians told Rose and I that we could go and that they have everything taken care of. Christian promised to stay by Vasilisa's side and my partner, Nathan, was there to watch over Christian. Satisfied with the coverage, I followed Rose out of the door. She walked ahead of me clearly angry with the way she was walking. When she's angry, her entire body becomes tense and stuck in one position. When she is calm her hips sway side to side and there is nothing but confidence in the way she walks. Now, she's so tense she looks like a pencil. I follow close behind her and observe her every step. She abruptly comes to a stop in front of me and I barely avoid running into her. Her facial expression shocked me out of words. There were tears in her eyes, her face flushed red from anger, her jaw clenched and her teeth showing from basically snarling at me.

"I thought you understood me more than anyone! We were supposed to partners; equals. And yet when we were in there you treated me like you did back at the academy! Every time I finally feel like we are being regarded as equals you turn around and treat me like we're not! I want to know that you think of me as your equal but you never have, have you? You know what I thought about today while walking next to Lissa? I thought about how you would probably be grateful if I just keeled over right now. It's true isn't it? All this time you saying you love me, has it ever been true love? I love you with every fiber of my being Dimitri. But I don't know if you feel the same deep love that I do." She turned her back to me and ran as if she were running away from a strigoi.

I stood there watching her run away wishing she would turn around and look at me. I want her to see the tears falling down my face and see how much I truly do love her.

Rose

I ran as fast I could. I refused to look back at him because if I did, he would see the tears rolling down my face. I reached my room and slammed the door shut behind me. My breathing heavy as my heart raced in my chest. I sank to the ground and started sobbing in my hands. I don't know if anyone could hear me sob and honestly at this point I didn't care. All I could feel was the sadness enveloping me. I hate this. This isn't me. Rose Hathaway does not get depressed but right now, I felt the same sadness that had lead Lissa to cut herself. I still don't understand how cutting yourself could release this but I understand her desperation for it to end now. All I want is for the crying to stop, for the pain in my chest to stop, for the feeling of my heart breaking to stop, for my entire body shaking to stop. But it wasn't stopping. I sat there for what felt like an eternity and slowly I started to unravel. My mind started going in the places it went when I took the anger from Lissa and beat the living daylights out of Jesse. But instead of anger it was pure sadness. All I could think about was making it stop. I just wanted it all to stop. I tried to tell him that death had been on my mind since I woke up this morning. That for the past few months I keep having dreams of death and me dying. Maybe it's the world of the dead trying to come and claim me at last.

I lowered my guard to the ghosts around me and a migraine immediately hit me. Ghosts from all ages and sizes appeared before me, there mouths open and hands reaching out to me per the usual. I closed my eyes and tried to focus on one ghost that I haven't seen in a very long time.

"Mason, I need you. Please come out Mason." I kept saying this quietly until I felt a warm sensation all over my body, I opened my eyes to see Mason standing before me with a sad look in his eyes. He was so barely materialized before me that I knew if I blinked he would disappear.

"If…..if I went back to the land of the dead, do you think they would let me get away a third time? Do you think there is any chance that I could be brought back?"

Mason just stood there in front of me staring with the saddest eyes. Very slightly he shook his head no and disappeared into thin air. I put my walls back up and thought about the encounter I just had with Mason. I was never one to think about suicide but what better what for Lissa to bring me back than this? If I took my life, she could bring me back and I'll become shadow kissed to her again. I don't want to die. I need to help Lissa and be the best guardian I could be for her, even if it meant risking my life to do it.

I stood up and reached into the holster on my belt and pulled out my stake. I held it in my hands gingerly as I contemplated if what I was about to do was really worth it. I decided it was, and I dug the stake right through my chest and into my heart. I felt immense amount of pain, then the sensation of collapsing. As I hit the ground everything went black and all I could hear was a knock at the door and someone saying my name, "Rose…Rose…."then I was gone.