Disclaimer: I do not own Fairytail. Fairytail belongs to the author Hiro Mashima.
Summary: This is about Zeref's outlook on life. His thoughts, feelings, and plans all revealed.
Warning: Character death (not too graphic)
Zeref didn't like to talk about his feelings. Not to anyone. He would rather lock it all up inside where no one could reach it. Where not even he could reach it. He liked to pretend things did not bother him, but they did. He was aware that it wasn't healthy to keep everything on the inside like he did, but Zeref didn't care. It was his way of coping. That was why when his village was destroyed Zeref didn't say anything about it. It was just one more secret he decided to keep hidden, where other people could never see how much it hurt him. but he couldn't lie to himself about this secret. So, he researched. And naturally he discovered things he'd never even thought about. He'd never thought about how magic could be used to bring back the dead. But he frowned when he discovered the only way to do this. The only known way to bring the dead to life was if you were a necromancer. Zeref didn't want to animate bodies. He wanted what he made with magic to live. wanted them to have their own personalities and be able to make their own decisions. Zeref would not be so heartless as to merely animate his brother's body.
Zeref was only a child. So, when he started moving deeper into the core of magic he was excited and had wanted to show his teacher's his progress. He had been sure they would be amazed at this discovery. He wrote them a paper on the theories of life and death. On the possibilities of a soul being reborn in a different body. Or if the soul simply died and the people only lived on in the living's memories. But his professors had gawked at his research paper and stared back and forth between him and the paper with a look of horror dominating their faces. "D-did you write this paper yourself?" they asked.
"Yes." Zeref said innocently, waiting for them to be ecstatic, or at the very least be impressed. But they just shook their heads.
"Zeref, the things you're looking at are forbidden. Promise us that you'll stop what you're doing otherwise you could be cursed for breaking the laws of life and death, alright?" Zeref slowly nodded. He understood now. He couldn't tell anyone about what he was working on. They wouldn't understand. They didn't have the mind capacity to understand how wonderful this could be. The ability to bring back the dead. It was unfathomable. So, Zeref went back to his room and continued his research.
Years later he'd found thousands of ways to bring back the dead. But his two most popular ideas were the R-system and the Eclipse Gate. But at that point Zeref realized it could cause millions of other problems were he to go back in time and save his brother. One of the most prominent would be meeting his younger self. Plus, the fact that the reality he was currently living in wouldn't exist any longer. He didn't know what would still be the same and what would be different. It was possible that by going back in time and saving his brother he could create a paradox in which he hadn't even created the Eclipse. And therefore, might not be able to get back to the present, and would be stuck in the past unable to interact with himself or his brother for eternity. So, Zeref scrapped that idea and decided to perhaps use it when he wanted to go into the future, which was much simpler than wanting to go back in the past. Zeref was nearly finished with the Eclipse when he felt his heart pulse and he cried out. His head started pounding sending spasms through his body.
His professor burst through the doors. He heard him yelling but couldn't understand what he was saying above his own screams. When everything cleared he could see his professor, laying there. "P-Professor?" Zeref asked tentatively, slowly walking over to him. Zeref checked his heartrate. There was none, he was dead. Zeref swallowed thickly. He ran out his dorm, he had to tell someone and quickly. But as he stepped out of the dorm he watched with horror. Bodies littered the halls of the school. Zeref was terrified. What had happened? His hands shook, this was what his professors had been trying to warn him about. "The curse of contradiction." Zeref whispered. He had been cursed. He should've known he would be punished.
While Zeref was horrified by what he had done it also gave him however much time he needed to study. But to others, he was no longer human. He was a creature. It was told again and again throughout history. He was The Black Wizard.
Zeref hadn't thought such joy could ever reach him once again. but, as he stared at his younger brother, opening his eyes for the first time in decades Zeref thought it was worth it. "Hello Natsu Dragneel, I am your brother." Zeref said. Natsu did not answer and squinted at him through the glass. He ran his fingertips lightly over the shell, gently, lovingly as he could. His brother was here. Natsu breathed. He was alive.
Zeref hadn't thought that the world was this cruel. It had taken his brother, cursed him, and ripped away his one comfort once he'd finally gotten Natsu back. And now it gave him the dead woman in his arms. This world had taken his family, his love, his hope, his sanity. And it had left him a shell devoid of the things that made him whole, the things that made him human. His entire body shook with grief. Zeref hadn't thought the world was this cruel. He hadn't thought of a lot of things. He thought that maybe this life had decided to give him something to finally live for, that would make his miserable existence worth-while. He had been wrong. Zeref had been wrong about a lot of things.
Being alive for hundreds of years gave him time to reflect on how foolish he'd been just 100 years ago. "Fool." He mumbled to himself. He had been such a fool. He had allowed himself to love. That's why he was now on this island, considering there was nowhere else he could go. Otherwise he'd kill person after person. He'd spent years pushing down the emotions. He'd spent years not feeling anything. He'd spent years learning how to become apathetic towards every living thing in the world. But then she had come. And all his self-control came crumbling down bit by bit. She had made him feel… something. He wasn't sure what, but the important thing was she had made him feel. Now she was dead. Perhaps it was better that way. After all, now he could become the monster he needed to be. But there were no breaks for Zeref Dragneel.
He was staring at him now. The brother he'd lost long ago. His composure was slowly breaking. He hadn't intended to see his brother so soon. "Natsu…" he whispered quietly. Mixed emotions whirled inside him. it was easier than he'd realized, to be unfeeling towards his brother. So easy, it was scary. He'd spent a long time convincing himself to fight Natsu for real. To see if he was up to the challenge. To have one last battle. But Natsu wasn't ready yet… Zeref wasn't ready yet. He tried to convince himself that killing Natsu now would mess up his plans. It wasn't going over to well inside his head.
The black dragon was coming. His existence could mess everything up. But Natsu was on Tenrou. The island would protect him. He would pull through. But Zeref had a feeling that Natsu wouldn't be coming back to Fiore for a long while. "Goodbye… my brother." Zeref whispered upon the Grimoire Heart guild airship. The wind blew on his back, threatening his balance. "I'm becoming even more unstable." Zeref whispered. "Natsu must kill me and the dragon of chaos very soon." Zeref looked at the sky his eyes turning a bloody crimson. "Or this world will crumble." He said ominously. Cringing Zeref took a few steps back. It was becoming harder to keep himself sane. So many ideas and possibilities ran through his head. "Death is easier than living." He reasoned. Perhaps that was why the theory that only the strongest survived came into existence. People didn't die because they were physically weak. They died because their will to live was overrode by the desire to die. Zeref smiled bitterly as he thought of this. It was too bad this body was too stubborn to truly die. But he thought that perhaps, in more ways then one, he had died a long time ago.
So, Zeref waited patiently for years to come and go. The desire to be rid of this world and his steady hatred for humans growing stronger with every passing day. He saw how cruel they were to one another. Saw mistakes repeated again and again. the cycle of humanity continuing with each agonizing breath that left his body. And then he took another breath.
Now it was time to put his plans into actions. He had gone through several strategies, and in the end, he realized that if he overwhelmed them with such devastating numbers, and his airships weren't placed completely foolishly then there was no chance of Mavis being able to come up with a sound strategy to defeat him. she would probably tell her guild that if they believed they could win hard enough then the power of their emotions would see them though. Zeref snorted at this. There was a time when he had thought the same way. Perhaps he still did. But he wouldn't allow himself to let emotions overtake him. it would be less painful when he set himself up for failure.
The fight was exhilarating. Natsu was so strong and fast. Zeref was glad he hadn't killed him when he was weak on Tenrou island. Zeref had never felt the kind of devastating blows that Natsu dealt onto his weakening body. Natsu had the power of Igneel running through his veins. Zeref thought that perhaps this power was strong enough to kill even an immortal such as him. Zeref had created several life forms in his early days, bent on creating one that could kill him. but Zeref had forgotten what made magic so powerful. Emotions, demons weren't capable of feeling the most powerful of them all. Yes, despite Zeref being the Black Wizard he would be a fool, to live for hundreds of years and still stay oblivious to what made magic strongest. Love. All magic was the one magic. It was acquired through desperation. And it was maintained by love. So yes, Zeref finally figured out what he was missing. The power of being human. So, Zeref made E.N.D, not with intention to be nothing but a monster, but with the intention to be anything but. He'd created E.N.D with the fervent desire to hurt anything that threatened those he cared about, such as Zeref.
So, when Happy tugged Natsu away from landing the final blow Zeref watched with great sadness as he flew away and at the same time it felt like his insides became like lava. He was tired of being patient! He wanted to die, now! He would kill anything else that got in his way. "You want a black wizard?" he growled to himself, slowly stalking toward the Fairytail guild hall. "Fine, I'll give you a black wizard." And when he got there Zeref realized that all he could was sit and wait. All he could do was be patient. So, he tried to push his feelings down again, sat, and waited. The woman he used to love came from the basement. He saw her freeze when her gaze fixed itself on him. "Well, well, well, what reason do you have, being alive?" Mavis simply glared at him.
"I never truly died." She said simply. "And on that note, what reason do you have for being in our guild hall, Zeref!" she spat out his name like it was a curse. Zeref tried to keep up his easy smirk, while on the inside he was crying and begging himself to stand up and ask for forgiveness. But Zeref refused to do this. He'd come too far to back out like a coward now. "No, don't let anything in." he thought to himself, perhaps even mumbling it incoherently under his breath. "Nothing." He whispered.
Now he was extracting Fairy Heart from her. Zeref wasn't quite sure what he'd do with it as of late. After all, there were many things he could do with it. Perhaps he'd use it as a failsafe. In case Natsu wasn't able to kill him like he'd calculated. Watching her strain against the pressure wasn't something he took joy in, but he refused to allow himself to feel regret. So, when she looked at him with a pleading gaze, he turned away. He knew that was unforgivable. He clenched his fists, convincing himself he didn't care.
Now she had escaped and in her place was Natsu, ready to fight. He was giddy and actually laughed. It was a laugh of insanity rather than joy. He wanted to feel Natsu ramming his fists into his flesh, wanted to bleed, wanted the pain. He so very desperately wanted to be human. So that's why Zeref killed him. that's why Zeref killed Larcade. He was done with all the distractions, so when Larcade posed a threat Zeref lost it. Zeref panted, staring at the space where Larcade had once been. He was horrified with himself. His child had been begging for him to stop and he hadn't. admittedly, Larcade wasn't truly his son, but it was still such uncalled-for animosity that Zeref found himself wondering if anything he did had true meaning. Or if it was just the curse, prattling on and inhabiting his healthy body, pushing its former master down into the deepest depths of insanity that had originated from his own mind. Zeref shook his head violently, pushed down his distress and let the insane smile come back to his face. Natsu was staring with horror when he started laughing. His existence was a joke. He felt Natsu punch again, his fists held more fire than before. he was going on about family or something. Zeref wasn't listening. He was stuck in his head, laughing. Laughing on the inside, on the outside. Zeref wasn't sure what was real and what his mind said was real but wasn't real.
Zeref finished the extraction. He had Fairy Heart now. Natsu was using the last of his power. Zeref felt his heart shake and tremble with each hit. "Is the universe even real?" Zeref wondered. He wasn't sure anymore. Maybe it was a dream. Maybe he didn't want to accept reality. He felt Natsu's flames burn through clothes, skin, bones, down to his soul. Zeref, for the first time in a long time, felt a tiny piece of regret. He pushed it down, and, in respite, laughed.
Everything hurt. It was to be expected. Mavis was above him, talking about things that Zeref did not acknowledge. He was in his own world. "Mavis." He whispered. She stopped talking and looked at him, really looked at him. "It's… okay. There's no need for words."
"Zeref, of course there is. There's things I need to tell you before… before you die." She whispered. Zeref shook his head, pain everywhere. He suspected there would be a lot of celebration of the event that made this woman cry. She had always been too good for him. not in a sense of looks or intelligence, or even personality. She was simply too good for him. the way she loved was purer than the purest of loves he'd felt in a long time.
"There's no need Mavis." He whispered. "You see, I died a long time ago. My body is dying… my shell. I've not been here for a long time."
"Where have you been?"
"I've been dead. Elsewhere. Dying the life, I was never able to live." he felt her hands squeeze his rather tightly. "I've been thinking, a lot. I've always thought a lot, but… I've been thinking about my existence." He laughed. At first it was just one, but it was followed my many more. "Great." He thought, "Even in the end I am insane."
"Existence." She echoed… she didn't say anything else. Looking back at him her eyes were filled with many tears. "Do you think in another existence… where we were given a chance. Do you think we could've made it?" Zeref nodded. They definitely would've made it. His existence, his life was meaningless. In this world he'd done nothing worth-while. And in the end, he was laughing. Not from joy, from insanity. There was merely another Zeref in another universe. his life here was meaningless. His attention snapped to Mavis when he heard her start to speak. "But the only Zeref here, in this universe, is you. And Fairytail, which despite what you may personally believe, is good, only exists because you live. face it Zeref, maybe you were cursed because the universe knew that only you could bring something as wonderful and beautiful as Fairytail into this existence. Fairytail brings hope to people everywhere across the world, and that's only possible because you lived every day. Because you're Zeref Dragneel. You're special, dear, and just because you haven't heard it in a while doesn't make it any less true. I agree that maybe some things in this world are meaningless, but your life certainly isn't one of these things."
"You are you. That's all you'll ever need to be. You aren't meaningless. If you were, then I wouldn't love you as much as I do. you've done extremely terrible things, but you've also done extremely wonderful things as well. You were made for great things, Dragneel, and you have most certainly done those things to an even better ability then anyone could've ever expected of you." Mavis said softly. Had he said his thoughts out loud? He didn't remember. He laughed. She smiled sadly, "… Goodbye, my love." Zeref still had that insane smile on his face in his passing. The insane smile summed up all the emotions he'd pushed down for the past four hundred years. In that moment he'd released all his feelings, with someone watching no less. But Zeref found that releasing all the feelings while dying wasn't so bad. Zeref hated sharing his feelings. But maybe, allowing him to release his emotions was the world's way of trying to make amends for brutalizing him all his life. He closed his eyes, "Well played, universe." he whispered softly. "Well played."
A/N Thanks for reading. Oneshots like these are why I chose angst as a genre. There will be many genres besides what I chose as the main 2. There will be funny ones, cute ones, and angsty ones like these. If they're sad like this one I'll probably put a warning at the top, warning you that character death may be on the way. Thanks for reading, reviews and constructive criticism appreciated!