Bloodline

Chapter 14: The father and husband they deserve

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My playlist while I worked on this was:

Grateful by Art Garfunkel

Homeward Bound by Art Garfunkel

Gold von den Sternen from the Mozart Musical (for those who understand German this is exactly what Bucky thinks about his son)

Fernando by ABBA

The winner takes it all by ABBA

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Natasha was still the Black Widow, still an agent. Being a mother didn't change anything in that regard. So she had left almost half an hour ago to tend to her neglected duties at SHIELD. It wasn't much to do, yet it had to be in person. So James was on his own with their small family. Natasha had promised him that Alexei would slumber until later that evening. Yet he couldn't be sure. And James certainly had no idea if he could manage him as soon as the boy woke up. JARVIS had assured him, several times now, that he could give useful information or even call someone of the team to assist. Still, it was scary. He didn't want to mess up his son… or hurt him… or even… The Winter Soldier growled angrily. No, not such thoughts, not when all concluded to such a promising outcome.

He needed to distract himself. Research sounded like a good option so he sat down at the desk and let JARVIS pull up the news while he also watched the baby monitor through the glass screens.

James busied himself reading up on the world's events he missed, connecting the dots and putting everything in order to build a framework he could later use to put the recovered memories around. It was a calming activity he had always enjoyed. Planning, tactics and the welcoming embrace of structure and knowledge. Being able to react properly to whatever situation presented itself.

A glimpse at the baby monitor let him falter. There was one thing he didn't know how to handle. And the more he thought about it, the more complex and difficult it became. He was a father now and he had to care for his heir. But what was right and what wrong? He was still a weapon. And a word, a situation, any kind of trigger could be enough to turn him into his lethal self again. The one who didn't care who he killed to fulfill his programmed mission.

He shivered at the thought of physical and emotional pain, drug trials and the helplessness that overcame him as soon as he submitted, accepting the inevitable at last. He had fought so hard, but it had been futile, although...

James sighed while he ran his flesh fingers through his hair. The thought of what was at stake now made his chest tighten. Alexei was so small, helpless and in need of protection. There was no way of telling how powerful he would once become, but that wouldn't matter to HYDRA. They were prepared to do everything to get their hands on his son. Time was crucial to them since Alexei would age quickly and to get the best… results they would have to train him from the moment he started walking.

The picture of his son making his first unsure steps made his eyes water. Never had he hoped to even get a chance like this. He would make it right. He would be the father his son could be proud of and he would never again obey to the will of HYDRA. An inner strength he didn't even know he possessed unfolded, like a deep well filled with raw power opening for him. His instincts took the upper hand and his senses sharpened.

Suddenly the picture of Alexei on the screen was not enough anymore so James stood and walked over to the nursery, carefully opening the door so he wouldn't wake him up.

Pride overwhelmed him as he saw the serene features of his son. Do you feel safe?, James asked him in his mind as he glanced into the crib. Will I ever be the father you deserve?

As if to answer his unspoken words the boy's face moved into something between a smile and a plea. James could not pinpoint it yet but then he heard the little boy squeal in delight, stretching out his tiny arms as if he recognized his father and wanted to be held by him.

At first the Soldier was not sure of how to actually do this without anyone to help or scold him if he made a mistake but then he overcame his fear and carefully lifted the boy into his arms. Alexei eagerly snuggled into his father's strong chest and cooed happily while sucking on his pacifier. James felt the control over his features slipping again as he held his child close to him. His heart swelled with pride and love and he could not believe that this was actually real. After all he had done in his life, all that had been done to him, this was… like a miracle.

James closed his eyes and did not even care that tears ran down his cheeks. "Thank you." He whispered as if fate itself listened. "Thank you." The father rocked him gently as he walked around the room. The boy quickly went back to sleep in his arms, entirely content and happy and safe. He had a son... All the emotions inside of him heavy enough to bring him to his knees. It was bliss, a new life, hope, love. He was so grateful for everything he had been blessed with the past weeks.

"I told you, you would do perfectly."

Natasha's voice made the bubble of warm and comforting thoughts around him burst. James stiffened until he realized who was talking to him. His muscles relaxed while another part of him hardened. This woman had given him all he could have ever dream of, and she was there for him, at his side when he needed, and maybe even in his bed if he wanted. It was too soon. He couldn't; not only because of her, but because he didn't trust himself enough yet. He wanted to earn her love.

The boy in his arms suddenly started to squirm and whimper as if he knew someone important was there. Food source. James wasn't sure if he could keep him steady enough when Natasha's hands already took hold of her son. "Give him to me. Someone wants his lunch."

James was glad that she took care of everything but the sudden loss of the boy's weight in his arms made him feel empty and useless again. He stood there, his eyes staring into the distance while he thought about what he was able to give his son.

"Your time will come. I might be the one for nutrition and lullabies, but you will tell him stories, play baseball with him. He will cry in my arms when he falls and hurts his knee, but he will come to you when he has secrets no son shares with his mother."

Her words made him imagine how the boy would look like as teenager, as a young man, eager to learn and so perfect, because Alexei was Natasha's child, have her heart. And even if he turned out too much like his father, James would love his son. A thought made him chuckle. How fortunate that they didn't have a girl. The image of a young woman with red hair, much like Natasha herself all those years ago, formed in his mind. The need to protect her would be way too strong, and lead to broken bones of whoever young man decided to lay eyes on her.

The sound of his son eagerly drinking his mother's milk tore James out of his daydreams. He hadn't even realized that she had settled herself comfortably in the rocking chair with Alexei at her breast. Oh dear lord, she was so perfect. Now he understood why Steve liked to draw as a young man. It was a way to capture moments just like this one.

Natasha blushed under his gaze. She suddenly felt exposed and shy, so she took the soft blanket and started to drape it over her breast and the child.

"No, please. No need to hide." He walked the few steps towards her before slowly kneeling at her side. "It's beautiful." His fingers twitched, as if he had to control himself to not put his hand on her thigh. James watched closely how the boy drank from his mother, that content expression, the movements getting lazier the more sated he got.

"The boy is sucking me dry," Natasha laughed after a short while as she had to switch sides. She wanted to give her son as much as she could but even her enhanced body was not able to keep up with the boy's hunger. Still, she was glad for every moment with her son. He would grow up soon enough.

"Кто его винит? На вкус ты восхитительна. (Who can blame him? You taste delicious.)" The words had left his mouth before he realized their second meaning. James froze and red spread over his cheeks. He hadn't even noticed that his response had been in Russian. The sweet words leaving his lips easier when he spoke in her native language. Like an impulse he couldn't suppress. The taste of what he had said lingered on his tongue like rich wine. Oh, it felt so right, and yet so deliciously dark.

Natasha's heart skipped a beat before spreading warm delight through her veins. James Buchanan Barnes, the charmer, flirting with the mother of his child. He didn't even know how wonderful he was, but she felt herself melting at the recent memory they both remembered in that second. Oh, how much she wanted him just like that. Mischievous, protective, loving and simply perfect. For a short moment she could forget that there was a Winter Soldier and a Black Widow inside of them, for that moment her world was whole and he was a vital part in it. Quickly Natasha had untangled herself from the daydream, trying to focus on what was going on right now. She had to help him, telling him it was alright. That she was fine with it, and that she would join him on this way. "Он твой сын, в конце концов. (He is your son after all.)" she said in the language they both shared. And it felt so intimate and secretive, and kinky...

The husky sound of her voice went straight to his loins. He shrunk even more and buried his face in his hands, glad that from this angle she couldn't see his crotch. It was a basic instinct, so primal. He wanted to mark her as his, to show the world that these two wonderful beings were his family. And he felt the desire to add more. The Soldier knew the sharper edge of his needs were honed by HYDRA's drug, but he had gained control over it once before. He could again, yet not this close to the woman his body craved.

So James fled into the bathroom, cupping himself with one hand while he tried to steady his breathing. Damn, he had watched Natasha nursing their child many times before while they had still been in the medical ward. So why now? What had changed? He didn't understand.

James turned on the shower so she couldn't hear him while more pictures before his inner eye shot burning desire through his veins. "Ты полный идиот! Ты всё портишь! (You total idiot! You are ruining everything!)", he growled with venomous anger lacing his voice. "Почему ты не можешь держать свой чёртов рот на замке?! (Why can't you keep your damn mouth shut?!)" This time he didn't even realize he spoke in Russian as his right fist connected with the tiles. Pain, that would set him straight again. His eyes scanned the room before he decided upon a less conspicuous method that might work even better. Coldness.

Natasha couldn't make out specific words, but she knew he used her native tongue once again. Beside the seemingly unintended flirtatious move itself he also had given her another riddle to muse on. "мой Солдат. (My Soldier.)", she whispered and felt the warmth spreading once again. Russian was their language, their past, good and bad. It felt childish to think that way but somehow it made every word said their secret. Sharing something no one else could understand. Well, a few would. Clint and JARVIS for example. But that didn't make it less intimate. There was more to it than merely the barrier of translation. They were words from the deepest parts of their souls. A thought came to her. It was the truth.

That realization had hit her harder than expected and for once she didn't know how to deal with it as well. Focus. Only the reminder of what was at stake made her sober again, bringing back the Black Widow's calculating self. What had changed so suddenly? That was the question she had to answer.

They now had their privacy and both of them were healed enough to enjoy each other. His body felt it, knowing that she was ready for him. But he was too afraid, too uncertain to accept it. And she wouldn't push him but a flirtatious smile now and then would give him enough hints. Although she knew that first of all he had to deal with his past, with his troubling memories or the loss of those. He didn't trust himself enough to let go. And panic would unleash the beast inside him. The Black Widow started biting her lower lip as the familiar tingling warmth spread between her thighs at the mere thought of him showing her of what he was capable of in bed. Okay, enough of that. Natasha reminded herself.

She finished nursing her child and made sure he was comfortably sleeping in his bed, all the while listening to the shower running in the bathroom. Barnes would not be so foolish and try to get rid of his problem the usual way a man would. The drug was still in his system as Banner had told him in a moment of privacy. Well not entirely private. Natasha had heard them and decided to fake sleep. The chemicals that strongly influenced his sex drive would eventually dissolve but until then control over the body was crucial. Giving in without having a permanent mate and especially using his own... hand would make things even worse. But once he was ready to accept her she would help him through it just as she had before when they had given him the drug. The Black Widow knew how to fulfill his cravings, how to sate him thoroughly.

Natasha waited in the living room for him to exit, a stack of folders in front of her. She immediately felt the cold radiating from him, saw his blueish lips, his limbs slightly shaking. That he thought the problem grave enough to use such drastic measures showed how desperate he had been. Because of all the time he had spent frozen, James had developed an aversion to most sources of coldness.

James avoided looking into her eyes as he busied himself with what was in front of her. "What's that?"

Natasha played along, giving him his privacy. "News from Banner. He has some theories and suggestions of how to help you concerning the wipings. He needs to know if you might have already encountered some of the substances or procedures he mentioned in the file here. He needs to understand it to get a chance at reversing it but as far as I know he is on a good path."

James heard the deeper meaning behind these words. She had helped Bruce with this, she had exposed whatever she remembered to help him. He nodded and took the folders. "Thank you, I'll go through it."

A knock on the door made both of them freeze. It was an instinct, now sharpened by the tiny human being sleeping in his room. It was irrational of course. No one here would want to harm their family, but training was hard to forget.

"Miss Potts is at the door. Shall I let her in?" JARVIS offered.

It took the Black Widow a moment to understand. "Yes, of course." She said, confusion clearly present in her voice.

The Winter Soldier watched her transition from deadly feline predator to normal human being. It was all visible in her movements and both were desirable. Even with the comfortable yoga trousers and the top she was wearing her strength and precision were gorgeous. He could watch her all day and... James shook his head to clear his thoughts. No, not again. He had to keep his own desires under control.

"Hey, my dear. I wanted to check on you and also brought Thai from that restaurant you like most." Pepper started after giving Natasha a friendly hug. She held up the plastic bags with a grin when she saw Barnes in the back of the room. "I have brought you some too. I hope you'll like it."

Dumbfounded Bucky nodded and started clearing the table, busying himself with something to do. He didn't want to show any uncertainty or appear overwhelmed. Too much was happening that he didn't know how to react to.

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The food Pepper had brought was more of an excuse to spend some time with the young boy Alexei. He was growing like a weed. Considering what had been done to him, this was an understatement. "Tell me, how old is he now?"

Natasha knew that her friend didn't ask for the age on paper but the physical. "It is actually difficult to say. He is growing faster, which is steady, but his learning process appears to be in leaps. He suddenly babbled and gurgled around like he already knows how to make every sound from one day to the next. A quick test of every noise, sadly in every pitch as well, but he soon realized that too loud didn't earn him a good result from me, so he settled for something else. Banner says it will be similar with crawling and walking. Right now he isn't that much interested in it, but I can feel him squirming more and more often as if he thinks about trying but stopping himself. Actually I fear that one day he will skip crawling altogether and just stand up and run against something. It is unlikely of course. But his motor function also did a leap not two days ago. Before he was smashing into things to move them and now he focuses on them with his eyes directly and almost snatches them with a firm grip which is pretty impossible at this age. He surprises me every day."

"It's a time of miracles. Enjoy every moment before it's too late." Pepper said as she watched the baby turning in his crib and then stilling as if he was thinking very hard. After a few seconds he decided he didn't want to give it a go just yet and demanded to be turned onto his back once again.

Natasha didn't even had to look at him, the noise he made seemed to be enough. She smiled and lifted the child into her arms. "Darling, you'll get there. Don't worry. One day you will stand as proud and tall as your daddy. Yes, you will be a handsome little charmer." She saw how the boy turned his head towards Pepper, making a delighted noise and grinning widely.

"Well he certainly has charmed me," Pepper laughed.

The words 'as your daddy' echoed in his ears. It were moments like this, so carefree and loving, that he doubted all of this was real. The proof of the two assassins' affection right there in front of him and he still couldn't believe it. And how Natasha had talked about him between the lines made his heart swell. God, he didn't deserve her.

He focused on the facts of the conversation to stop his cheeks from blushing even more. James felt stupid that he hadn't noticed these little things earlier. To him, whatever the boy did was correct and perfect. He knew that shortly after the birth, Banner and Stark had analyzed how his quick aging worked and what would make him stop once he reached a certain age. Something about telomere-shortening and the Super-Soldier serum in his blood altering the telomere endings at a fixed point of his development, sealing them so that the replicating cells wouldn't lose them anymore. Somewhere at this point he couldn't follow their explanations anymore. The only thing that was of importance to James was that his son would not suffer any consequences as soon as he was able to understand why he was different. And since everything else seemed to work out without any real harm he was glad at least the serum he and Natasha had passed on to the child could aid him.

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Some time at the end of their meal Alexei had demanded his dinner as well. Pepper watched with a big loving smile how Natasha took care of him. "Oh, he is so sweet. And you are doing just wonderfully. I never doubted you could be a perfect mother."

Natasha blushed. "Well I try to…" She could feel how the boy sucked out the last of her and she bit her lip in defeat. "James, would you mind preparing the bottle? I am running on empty here."

He was glad that he would be of some use but the tone of her voice showed her frustration and made him want to ease her doubts. He had no idea how to… So the father quickly did as requested and returned just in time for the boy to grow angry, his hunger still not sated. "There you go," he said with an honest smile as he saw her looking up at him thankfully. God, he loved this woman…

Natasha took the bottle and changed position to continue feeding. The boy didn't seem to mind the different taste. He prefered her milk but wasn't picky as long as he felt safe while drinking. The mother tugged at her nursing bra to set it correctly while her breasts were that sore. She would have to wean the boy when he got teeth and hopefully this wouldn't turn out to be an impossible chore.

Meanwhile James cleaned the kitchen and gave them a moment of privacy.

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After putting the child to bed, Natasha and Pepper sat down in the lounge area, talking about random everyday things and seemingly paying no heed to him.

James enjoyed the background noise while he read through Banner's report. He didn't want to disturb or join them. A few polite conversations during their dinner had been everything he could bring himself to achieve this evening. And it seemed to be enough for the two women. They weren't forcing him to do anything. But they weren't excluding him either. He could join in, whenever he liked, whenever he was ready.

And the later it got the more pressing became one single thought. There was no guest room in these quarters. It had been remodeled to become the nursery.

So where would he sleep? How would Natasha react when he decided to use the couch? And it wasn't only the recent events that forced him to avoid the closeness during slumber or the possibility that she suddenly decided to take revenge, which was fair enough quite frankly. What if the control over his own mind slipped once again and he hurt her? The thought alone was unacceptable. Furthermore, so far he had been spared, drifting in this soft cloud of happiness and friendliness, yet what if his nightmares returned? The shame of her seeing him broken, helplessly gasping for air while his inner eye revealed to him all the cruelties he had done in his past? He didn't want to show weakness, when she needed him strong, as the father of their child, their family's protector.

He was ripped away from his thoughts as Virginia said her goodbye. James nodded politely, not capable of anything else, as she waved her hand at them before Natasha closed the door behind her with a smile.

"I'll go to bed now. You coming too?" She asked him as casual and nonthreatening as possible.

He paled and his voice was hoarse when he answered. "No, I'm not tired yet. I'll stay up and maybe stroll a little if I'm allowed."

She understood and nodded. "Of course. You can walk freely. JARVIS will keep tabs on you and notify us of anything… unsettling. But I think you'll do just fine." She wanted to encourage him by putting her hand on his shoulder for a short moment. She could feel him stiffening and holding his breath, but he held still, not shying away. That was a step in the right direction.

James tried to breathe calmly. Since he was no longer confined to the bed it became harder to stand her touch. No, not that it was unpleasant, it certainly was the contrary, yet he had difficulties dealing with the emotions that overcame him when she did. Her hands were warm, gentle and with only that hint of seductiveness that he could reciprocate or not without any pressure from her side. It was madness, the most wonderful torture if he were a normal man, but he wasn't. He was a murderer, a monster. James closed his eyes for just a moment trying to focus.

"Some of the other Avengers might be up as well, if you need company. Tony's usually in his workshop." She told him this to warn and to encourage. Whatever he needed.

"Alright. Thanks." He managed a pained smile, not being able to suppress the second layer of emotions he tried to keep hidden. Before he could dig himself an even deeper hole he was already out the door.

Natasha looked sadly at the empty spot before her. So close yet still he was further gone than ever before. She could read his signs, his emotions. And she had no idea of how to aid him except giving him options without pushing. He surely saw it himself, but he had no objective view, only the horrors of his past and the gigantic distances that lay ahead of him to finally find back into his life again.

But how could she help him in this case? Any seductive technique would do more harm than good. He saw the whole situation from a totally different angle. And she wasn't so sure about everything herself. It was all new to her. But she saw the bright side of it. The new life she had given birth to. The hope growing with the beautiful boy James had given her. And all the things they had done, even though under HYDRA's control, had been amazing. There wasn't anyone else, except for maybe Steve who would never be comfortable with the darker pleasures anyway, with whom she could really let herself go. James was perfect, in more ways than only pleasure. He was strong, protecting and he could love. And he didn't even realize it. Too much fear to hurt anyone he cared for blinded him.

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"I knew you would show up." Tony said without even turning around. He had heard the glass door sliding open but there was no sound of footsteps or movement whatsoever. There were only three people with skills as good as this. Barton was out and Natasha didn't bother to sneak up on him anymore since he threw a screwdriver at her once, which she had dodged, but still. That left only Barnes. "Can't sleep?"

James didn't respond which was answer enough.

"Did you find the time to go through Bruce's report?" He pulled some of the files onto one of the screens right next to him while he continued working.

"Impressive. Yet I am still not sure if any of the theories will have an effect when it's not transported via… electro-shocks." He chose his words carefully.

"Yeah, we thought a softer way would leave less trauma. Your head has been messed with often enough already, no offense." He pulled up a few diagrams. "There are a couple of drugs we can use to transport, delete or recover information. Bruce wants to put you in a trance and guide you through it. Quite frankly, I never really believed in any of that quack, but Bruce has opened my mind to a lot already. It's all about control."

James looked at the 3-dimensional images of the drugs' molecules. One of them had a close resemblance with a certain street drug. "Are they addictive?"

"Some." Tony admitted but didn't seem concerned at all. "Believe me, what HYDRA gave you is a lot worse but they knew how to counteract certain effects. Also, I think as soon as we put you under, you're gonna have a very nice trip." Stark looked up and grinned at the Soldier.

James didn't know how to respond to that so he busied himself exploring the lab. "What is under the blanket?" He asked curiously.

"Take a look." Tony didn't seem to mind James touching it.

Carefully the Soldier lifted the blanket. "A tank?"

"Yes, a sensory deprivation tank. It sounds a lot worse than it is. Actually, it's pretty helpful when you need to calm down. It was one of Bruce's ideas."

His fingers glided over the metal. The tank was old, rust blooming from beneath the screws.

"It once belonged to a friend of ours. He has a very sensitive hearing and needed it to sleep." Tony informed him. "It will come in handy when the more mundane memory recovery with sensory stimuli and triggers doesn't work."

"How do you plan to do this?" he asked, hiding the fear of certain words mentioned very well.

"Get you comfy in a chair, give you drugs and put you in a trance. Then we will stimulate your brain to remember memories by certain sounds or smells. Don't worry, nothing bad. Once we get it rolling and found a good balance with the chems you should be able to recover what you lost. And at the same time, we will strengthen your mind and build up walls against the triggers."

James swallowed and couldn't do anything else than nod.

"I am almost done here. Fancy a drink? I could use some before I wake Pepper up for some midnight fun."

James had to cough. Stark's easy chat about something intimate made him remember what had happened today. And when he saw the dark twinkle in the billionaires' eyes the Winter Soldier knew that it had been on purpose. "I will drink you under the table," Bucky said sternly.

Tony chuckled. "That we'll see. You might have a serum to burn the alcohol faster, but I have a well-trained liver."

With a scoff, Bucky followed him to the bar.

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Sorry for the long wait but the ComicCon Germany 2016 in Stuttgart (yes my hometown, at last!) needed my entire attention. And it was awesome ^^ The pictures are on facebook will also slowly be uploaded on devart and Tumblr but for the big bunch of them, check FB. (all links in my profile) There were kids cosplaying, it was so funny. They stared in awe at the big Cosplayers and when I took pictures with mini Thor, BW, and Captain America it was so sweet XD

I also have a video with fighting scenes, an Avengers Pool-Party, getting hit by Mini-Thor and a kneel speech. "Comic Con Germany 2016 in Stuttgart - Marvel Edition" watch?v=TdlPlLmPC50

And there was a picture of me in the newspapers here. Take that, people who bullied me at school because I was so weird! (I still am, but now it's "cool".)

The other reason I am so late is that I spend a lot of time in the last chapters of this fanfic. Let's just say, this now is part 2. I wrote an entire part 3 already (within the last 4 days) XD

And also I doubled the number of words in this chapter. After being careful for weeks of how to do this I just wrote for an entire morning and filled the holes. Sometimes fate is kind and gives me a very creative week. ^^ (After the depression since the ComicCon was over I am glad it's getting better again.)

Thank you so much Dectie who offered to give me a proper Russian translation. I am so happy to finally do it the way I want to. (I know a lot of curses now ^^ For later when Nat is angry at Bucky. I always hated merely writing: "she cursed in Russian." now I can do the real thing. And also some sweet talk and important moments for the two of them.)

And thank you Volpe and Autumn_Froste for the beta. ^^ Volpe is a Cosplayer I met at the ComicCon and we RPG together now ^^ yeah, and she might visit me soon for pictures and whatever comes to our minds. *excited*

Please review ^^