Kara is struck dumb. She stares incomprehensibly at Lena's determined face.
"No? What do you mean no?!" Kara gasps out her face falling and her eyebrows scrunching together, a thousand thoughts scrambling in her brain.
Lena pushes up and lifts the sealed box containing the red sun lamp.
"No Kara. It means no, I will not now, nor will I ever use this…thing on you," Lena sneered at the box before walking out of their bedroom.
Kara was lost, she blinked owlishly at where Lena had just been, uncomprehending at Lena's resolution and apparent revulsion at the idea.
Kara's mind was already spiralling into self-doubt. Did Lena only want to make love to her when she had her powers? When she was Supergirl and not just Kara? Did Lena not want Kara if she was unable to use superspeed and super strength to make their intimate time 'interesting?' Did Lena think she would be that bad in bed without her powers?
Kara dragged herself to her feet and staggered zombie like after Lena, lost in thought and moving partially on autopilot. Kara's vision seems blurred and it is only after blinking rapidly that she realizes that her eyes are swimming in tears.
A crash from the kitchen has Kara pushing her self doubts and hurt aside as she super-speeds to their kitchen where she finds Lena standing, her arms braced at the black granite counter as she breathes heavily like a panicked deer. The box containing the lamp sits innocently on the counter and across from it appears to be the ruined remains of Lena's very expensive, one of a kind, custom made smart phone. Evidently, in some frustration she had thrown it at the window.
"Lena…" Kara whispers.
Her wife's head whips up and Lena seems to flinch for a moment at Kara's defeated posture and tear filled eyes. The expression is lost but a second later when Lena does the thing Kara hates the most, something she hasn't done in months, she bottles all of her emotions and personality up and sinks it all, along with her true personality behind her cold Luthor mask. Her anger, her sorrow, her regret and even her love for Kara disappears in those damn little boxes deep inside herself.
They stare at each other for a moment and then Lena's eyes twitch to the open blinds of their penthouse suite. Despite the mask, Lena's eyes widen a fracture and then she is striding with purpose to the windows, snapping blinds shut with vicious tugs.
Kara is afraid. The idea of the indestructible alien being afraid should be laughable, but Kara has never seen Lena this- unhinged- and it scares her.
Trying again, Kara walks fully into the room and circling a wide path around the 'box' she begins picking up the remains of Lena's smart phone.
"Lee-lee, what is going on and who were you going to call before you murdered your phone? Why are you freaking out, the red…"
Lena spins on her heal and growls between her teeth, "Shut up! Don't talk about it out loud! How could you be so foolish as to bring that...that thing, here!"
Lena's mask seemed to be straining to contain her emotions as her eyes glistened and her hands clenched and unclenched at her side like a wild animal, desperate to tear something apart.
Kara's kind blue eyes darken in anger. She hates being called stupid or foolish. People mistake her kindness and optimism for naivety and stupidity but she is a freaking genetically engineered superior species! How dare they! How dare Lena!
"Forgive me for wanting to share something intimate with my wife, I didn't realize I was so unworthy of you without my powers," Kara spits back.
Lena reels back as though slapped, her face flying open in astonishment as her genius intellect finally realizes that Kara is seeing the rejection of the Sun lamp as a reject of her.
Kara stands proudly but a tear has slipped down her cheek and her body is trembling slightly. Lena catalogues her wife's condition and realizes she has screwed up. Kara isn't seeing the danger that Lena is, the possible disaster of this gift, only that it would allow them to be intimate in a new way and by rejecting it Lena is rejecting her wife.
"Fuck," Lena sighs allowing her Luthor mask to drop, her shoulders hunching and her own body betraying a panicked tremble. Lena lifts a shaking hand and rubs her eyes as she tries to make sense of how this evening has all gone so badly wrong.
Kara feels her own panic and readiness to fight ease as Lena swears. Lena never swears, she is the picture of control and swearing was something Lillian had drilled into Lena from childhood as beneath her.
It has always been a silent victor in bed when Kara can get Lena to swear but this sigh, a sign of deep emotional anguish only cranks Kara's worry higher.
Lena drops her hand and slowly walks back towards her wife, "Kara, my love, it's me who is unworthy of you. I am sorry. I swore to walk in lock step with you in the light of Rao and the first time something scares me I walk out of the room and start snapping at you. I'm sorry."
Kara, if anything is even more confused, the idea of the lamp scaring her wife…it is the exact opposite of what Kara had thought it would do. As much as Kara knows Lena trusts her in bed, trusts Kara to restrain her strength there is always the subconscious knowledge, and simple fact that with the slightest lapse in concentration or accidental movement Kara could seriously hurt Lena. How could the lamp removing that possibility, that fear, make Lena scared?
The crinkle between Kara's eyebrows deepens and she welcomes Lena's cool, trembling hands into her own as she steps toward her wife.
"Can we rewind? I really don't understand. I thought that you didn't want the lamp because it would mean I am…"Kara blushed and her eyes dropped to the floor as her voice rose into a squeaky question, "less adept in bed?"
Lena gave another start, her hands jumping in Kara's before squeezing as tight as possible. Lena ducks her head to meet Kara's eye, "Kara I love you. Every touch you bestow on me is a gift, to know it without your powers would be a gift. I am not with you because your speed and strength make you an excellent lover, I am with you because you are Kara and getting to make love with you, to touch you and be touched by you is the pinnacle expression of our love, not the basis of it. There is no manner that you could touch me that would disappoint me mo grá."
Kara blushed delicately, and an unknown tension leaked from her body. Darting forward Kara lay a chaste kiss on Lena's ruby red lips. "Smooth talker," Kara mumbled.
Lena sighs in relief but is cut off as Kara squeezes her hands until Lena meets her eyes.
Kara stares into Lena's eyes as though she could decipher the very secrets of the universe from them, her brows puckering up in an open expression of curiosity, "Then why all of this? Why are you freaking out over the lamp?"
Lena seems to flinch at the word lamp and her eyes dart around as though expecting someone to jump out at her.
Lena hesitates a moment and then tugs at their joined hands, "Can we sit down for this talk?"
Kara nods and allows herself to be towed over to their large sofa.
Sitting opposite each other and still holding hands, Lena takes a deep breath, "I think we see the…item in the box very differently Kara. You are thinking of it is a gift, a positive addition or a toy to be introduced into our sex life. Yes?"
Kara nods while trying to restrain her blush. The way Lena could talk so frankly about such intimate matters always flusters Kara's Kryptonian socialisation. Kara also takes note that Lena is avoiding saying the words, 'red sun lamp' out loud.
Lena sighs slightly again, drawing in a calming breath and trying to put the maelstrom of worry and thoughts in her mind into some order.
Deciding to start at the beginning Lena jumps back to something Kara had said before.
"I did make an attempt at building one myself, last year in fact," Lena admits. Kara sucks in a breath at the confession and seemingly strange place to start her explanation, "Then why.." Kara started, but is cut off by Lena's blunt words, "But I destroyed it before I worked out the last kinks."
Kara's jaw snaps shut in surprise. Kara knows Lena, knows that when she puts her mind to a project then she becomes fanatical, a bit like Alex. Lena never just stops until a project is finished or she has hit an absolute dead end.
Lena lets out a breathy laugh at Kara's shock. The laugh is cynical, self-deprecating and rings hollow.
Lena pulls back from Kara a little, her hands suddenly animated as she tries to explain.
"I am sure that in the beginning, a lot of my reasons for trying to build it were like yours Kara. I thought about being able to touch you without restraint, being able to dip my fingers inside your heat without fearing super strong muscles. The wonder of you not having to hold back when we make love, not having to keep a part of your mind constantly focused on your control and keeping me safe. I'll even admit I had some teenage worthy fantasies of scattering hickies all across your throat."
Lena blushes faintly, a wistful smile overtaking her lips.
Kara smiles back, caught up in the dream, the fantasy that it appeared she and Lena had both been sharing.
"We could have that..." Kara began but Lena cut her off again with cold resolution.
"No!"
Lena's right hand had fists and beats her knee to emphasis the point and Kara startles slightly.
Lena immediately turns fully to Kara, her face apologetic and worried.
"Kara, you have to understand, it's not that I don't want you to have that it's just the risks!" Lena rushes out desperately.
Kara's mouth purses, brackets of confusion pulling at her lips.
"Risks, what risks? Lena, I know you would never hurt me," Kara says as though completely flabbergasted at the idea.
Lena groans again and reaches forward to grip Kara's knee.
"I was so caught up in these fantasies Kara that I didn't see the risks either. Not until I was nearly finished making the Rao be damned thing!"
Kara's eyes go wide. Lena has never used Kara's god to curse anything. The shock of it making a thrill of caution run down Kara's back.
"What happened Lena?" Kara asks softly, cradling her wife's hands and stroking soft patterns into them with her thumbs.
Lena smiles weakly, "I was almost done Kara. I had stabilised the energy source, gotten the refraction of the light rays almost perfect…and then in the middle of my work there was an earthquake. You remember that little 3.2 shudder last year? I claimed I had to stay late at L-corp to deal with some damage caused by falling glassware in one of the labs and a minor glitch in one of the basement servers?"
Kara nods hesitantly as she casts her mind back and comes to the realisation of how long Lena has been hiding this from her.
"There I was crouched under the workbench of my lab, the room shuddering as the L-corp tower swayed to absorb the quake. The glass on the benches was rattling and the next think I see is the…item I had been working on fall off the table. It must have been too close to the edge and it just shook right off. It crashed into bits. I was furious. When the shaking stopped I climbed out and started to pick pieces of glass up. I nicked my finger on the glass."
Lena stares at her right index finger, lost in thought as though she can still see the cut. Kara remembers Lena telling her she had gotten it while helping with clean up in one of the labs. Kara had thought it odd a CEO could help with lab clean up but Lena was known for her hands on approach and she had really sold the story of needing all hands on deck to tidy up the labs after the quake.
Lena drags her gaze back to Kara. "I nicked my finger Kara!" Lena whispers harshly. Kara is lost as to why this sentence is being given such weight, as though a small cut is a revelation worthy of Lena's hatred and shock.
Lena's eyes are wide and begging, yet Kara can only gaze back uncomprehendingly. Lena's shoulders sag at Kara's inability to share her realisation and she stares back at her hands.
"It was in that moment Kara, in that instant when I saw my own blood that I realised the truth of the 'thing' I was trying to create. It could hurt you! Make you vulnerable! It could take you away from me. My indestructible love, it could, by the fickle hand of fate or mother nature take you away from me."
Lena's voice is husky with emotion and strained in a way Kara has never heard before. Kara's eyes begin to widen in realisation and she shuffles closer to Lena, attempting to assuage her fears with her presence. Yet Lena shies away from her and her head whips up. The words come tumbling out now, frantic and pleading.
"I remembered the story Alex told me about how you broke your arm in an earthquake when you were without your powers. It was like the worst Eureka moment of my life. All of a sudden, I could see thousands of scenarios and possibilities flashing before my eyes. You, powerless from my creation: tripping on the rug beside our bed and hitting your head on the nightstand, dead before you hit the floor. You and I making love only for my mother or Lex's henchmen to detonate a bomb, riddle the apartment with bullets, or fill it with poisonous gas. Or...or another earthquake where the wardrobe in our room topples onto you…so many ways it could all go horribly wrong, and all from my selfish desire to make you weak, to have my way with you." Lena breaks down, great heaving sobs wracking her usually stoic frame.
Kara gathers Lena into her arms, panicked and unsettled at seeing her lover so distraught. Never has Kara seen Lena so vulnerable and terrified. Not knowing what else to do Kara soothingly rubs Lena's back, holding her close and pulling her towards her body until Lena is cradled in her embrace as though a child to be protected from the horrors of the outside world.
"It's okay Lena, I'm here. I'm not going anywhere…shh." Kara whisper babbles to her wife, peppering comforting kisses on her forehead as she rocks her gently.
This is one of the few times Kara despises Lena's intellect. The mind that allows her wife to predict future business moves, to predict markets and the outcome of experiments is also now letting her predict every possible worse case scenario in which Kara could be taken from her, from the mundane to the absurd, all in vivid and gruesome technicolour detail.
After what feels like an age but is likely just under half an hour Lena has quieted and rests boneless in her wife's arms. Kara revels in the comforting weight and continues her soothing caress along Lena's back. Kara is a little in awe that her wife remains in her embrace. Lena is usually so quick to hide her emotions or try to distance herself from such displays in embarrassment, yet here she remains placid in Kara's arms. It is a sign of the absolute trust Lena has in her wife, to show such vulnerability, yet it is also disconcerting to Kara because it is a sign of how deeply this issue worries and affects her wife.
Lena reaches up and gently toys with the edges of her wife's cascading hair. It is an intimacy that no other gets, as Kara never lets her hair fall from its ponytail when in public.
"I'm sorry," Lena whispers, embarrassed by her breakdown.
Kara briefly tightens her embrace on her wife, the comforting pressure reinforcing her words. "You have nothing to apologise for. I am sorry I never really considered the possible downsides of the…gift. I was too caught up in what it would allow us to share."
There is silence for a few moments, but Kara cannot hold back her curiosity, her desire to lance this emotional boil, to put Lena's worries to rest and allow them to explore the possible benefits.
"Lee-lee, there are ways around your worries. We could use it in a furniture less room filled with cotton wool, with emergency shut down protocols on the item, and in a secure location retrofitted by you and Alex for security if you wanted!"
Lena tenses slightly in her wife's embrace and seems to take a breath to argue, but Kara carries on, eager to delve into her wife's worries and what has been worrying her since this conversation began.
"Why won't you say its name Lee-lee? I know you're afraid of what might happen but just saying its name won't cause the worst to befall us…it's a piece of technology, not Voldemort." Kara smiles slightly into Lena's hair, trying to inject some levity into the heavy atmosphere but truly wanting to understand.
Lena sighs again and pulls back enough to look into her wife's trusting eyes. "Kara, how did Lord discover your secret?"
Kara's eyes widen fractionally at the reminder of how Maxwell Lord had bugged her sister and discovered her identity.
Seeing Kara catch onto the relevant point Lena ploughs on, "No matter that this is our home and that I and your sister have employed every measure possible to make it secure, there is always still a minute chance that it is not so. I don't want anyone who could possibly be listening into our conversations to know that such an item is in this apartment. That the technology even exists. I doubt there is anywhere on this earth that would meet your sister and I's security needs to make using that device a possibility."
Kara can't help the self-deprecating smirk at the thought of her wife and sister's security paranoia, yet that is a part of the argument to have later, and one she may have a solution for. Kara mulls the revelation her wife has made and joins the dots of numerous other little quirks in her wife's behaviour this evening and in all the time they have lived together.
"This is why you never use the other 'nickname' for me in the house…and why you keep the apartments below empty for the "visitor" to use its balcony." Kara sucked at talking in code, but suddenly Lena's behaviours were dropping into place. The weekly surveillance sweeps by Alex and Lena of their home, Lean's refusal to ever call her Supergirl, the empty apartment below for her to enter and exit through as Supergirl.
"And why I own a large number of the buildings facing this one on all sides through my own name or subsidiaries. Anyone who wants to live or work in one of these buildings has a subtle background check. The buildings have superior security, tinting of windows to obscure their views and I am working on purchasing the few remaining holdouts," Lena states matter of factly.
Kara feels her jaw unhinge….there were at least eight buildings with a good view of the building which housed their penthouse apartment. The idea Lena had been subtly buying up all the businesses and apartments within was mind-blowing and yet spoke of the Luthor paranoia in spades. Alex, no doubt knew and approved. Kara feels foolish for not having considered the matter before.
"That, that is…" Kara began only to be cut off by Lena.
"Paranoid, psychotic, a waste of money?"
Kara huffed and pulled Lena back to her. "All of the above, but also very sweet."
"There is no line in the universe I would not cross to protect you Kara," Lena whispers desperately.
Kara kisses Lena's forehead.
Lena seemed to untense a little in Kara's embrace, glad her wife is not about to argue with her. Lena may not have super-powers but she has wealth beyond measure and she intends to use it to protect her trusting and beautiful wife.
"I can understand why you don't want it here. Your reservations aren't unjustified, but what about using it in a safe environment?" Kara whispers, trying to address Lena's worries.
Lena scoffs, "And where would be "safe" prey tell?"
Kara grips her wife closer, "The Fortress."
Lena pulls back so rapidly that Kara almost topples forward.
"What?!" Lena asks, her eyes wide and forehead crinkled. "The Fortress? Kara, you told me you hate the Fortress, it feels too much like Clark's sanctuary than yours, a reminder of what is lost, and you never use your bedroom there, not even on our wedding day did you use it."
Kara smiles indulgently and reaches forward to caress the softness of Lena's cheek.
"It may not feel like my sanctuary, but I do have a room there Lena. A room in a Fortress at the North Pole, remote beyond anything any normal human can reach, hidden and secured by technology that this world can only dream of and as of this year inhabited by a small army of Kalex sentient droids with absolute loyalty to the House of El and selfless, unrelenting need to protect us. Unlike my cousin I am not adverse to bringing online all of its security protocols. We could use it there."
Lena's mouth gapes slightly and her brow crinkles trying to find a reason to deny Kara's logic. Lena's eyes dart back to the kitchen counter where the box sits innocuously.
A slight blush begins to shade Lena's cheeks. Kara seeing that she is gaining ground leans forward, her voice dropping into a dark husk, "We could do it Lena. We could go there. We could use it. You could touch me, live out as many teenage fantasies as you like. Leave marks on the girl of steel and finally…finally touch me as I know you have wanted to."
Kara's blue eyes are dark with lust, Lena's breathes are coming short and low, and a high colour spreads down her pale neck.
Lena's eyes drop to Kara's neck, fantasies of leaving a butterfly kiss of a hickie at the juncture of her neck and shoulder flickering in her mind's eye.
Kara, in a move far bolder than she would ever usually dare to be, snaps forward to grip Lena's hands and pulls her forward. Kara drops back on the couch, pulling Lena across her. Kara's hands raise above herself with Lena's in her grip, giving the impression that the young Luthor is restraining Kara.
Lena gazes down on Kara in shock. "I would be at your mercy," Kara whispers.
Lena's eyes are huge, her green orbs dominated by pitch black pupils, blown wide with desire.
Kara smiles innocently and allows her body to go limp beneath Lena. Lena swallows slowly and loudly. Her Adam's apple bobbing harshly as she tries to catch her breath.
Lena trails her hands from Kara's grip to gently hold her wrists, pinning her to the couch.
Lena examines the hold, a small part of her revels in the power. A Luthor holding a Super at her mercy. The surge of power and arousal an intoxicating mix. Lena can feel the restrained strength Kara holds back. She knows this is only a ruse, she holds the power and possession of her wife only because Kara allows it. Lena's head twitches to look back at the item in its box behind her. What would it feel like to really hold power over Kara? To really be able to push her down, restrain her? To be able to kiss her with bruising force, to grip her roughly enough to leave her fingerprints on Kara's golden skin and make her straddle that line been pleasure and actual pain. Able to drive her fingers inside her wife's alien genitals in its female form for the first time, with no risk of super muscle spasms breaking them. What would it feel like?
The thrill of dark pleasure settles low in Lena's gut at the thought, but a colder, darker worry grows beside it.
Lena leans forward, her look shifting from scorching heat to cautious love.
"And what if I don't want to hurt you Kara?" Lena whispers.
Kara's innocent smile shifts to a look of open confusion.
"I know you don't want to ever hurt me Lena, I trust you, I trust us. I know that humans can leave marks on each other sometimes when they make love. I know that pleasure and pain can be a fine line in the pursuit of please…gosh the things I have heard from Alex, the hickies, scratch marks and bruised lips I have seen her sporting with that self-satisfied smirk she hides beneath embarrassment. I want that too, and I know you do too. I want to be able to be your equal in bed, not just pretend to be."
Lena blushes at Kara's bold explanation of her wants and the unneeded insight into her sister in-law's sex life.
Lena leans forward and kisses Kara tenderly, chastely, before whispering against her lips, "I love you Kara. You don't need to be human for me. I love that you are indestructible. I love who you are, all of your alien quirks. There is nothing missing in our love lives that I think we need that thing for. And Kara, what… what if I like it? What if I like it too much, being able to leave marks on you, being able to restrain you? I am a Luthor…power is…that kind of power…I don't know if I can be trusted…"
Lena's worries are cut off as Kara surges back into a seated position and kisses her wife with furious passion. Lena is caught off guard but thoroughly distracted.
Kara pulls back and leaves Lena gasping for breath with a dazed look and swollen lips. Kara looks supremely pleased with herself. Lena finally seems to come back to herself just as Kara cups her face and says, "Lena Zor-El, you are my wife. I love you. I trust you. You could never desire me too much and you are one of the most selfless and kind people I have ever been blessed to know. You may have been born a Luthor, but you define what that means, not your brother or your mother. You would never hurt me. Never."
Lena's heart beats powerfully at Kara's use of her married name. While a Luthor to the world, Lena had joined Kara's house. Lena is Lena Zor-El only to Kara.
Kara's voice reverberates with strength, trying with every syllable to convince Lena of her own strength and goodness.
Lena sighs and rests her forehead against Kara's, "I love you."
Kara giggles as she breathes with her wife, a smug grin overtaking her face. "Does that mean we can use it?"
Kara can feel Lena's forehead wrinkling and tensing in concern, so she tacks on, "With precautions of course!"
Lena sighs and opens her eyes, sitting back to look deeply into her wife's azure eyes that are sparkling with glee. Lena knows she has lost this negotiation. Some businesswoman she is.
"It really means that much to you? We can't just destroy it?" Lena tries one last time.
Kara's eyes dim slightly and take on a serious gleam before she looks over Lena's shoulder, obviously staring at the box containing the lamp. Kara begins speaking as though no longer even seeing Lena, lost in her own mind. Lena leans forward, grasping the seriousness that has now overcome Kara's demeanour.
"Clark always says he feels weak when he super flares, or loses his powers. That the sight of a red sun makes him feel ill because he associates it with being powerless. To Clark being super strong is normal, being indestructible is normal, flying is normal. It's not to me." Kara says resolutely, her eyes finally returning to Lena.
"Oh!" Lena says prosaically. Once again Lena feels like kicking herself, the realisation of what Kara is saying finally hitting her. The sun lamp isn't a novelty to Kara, it's a chance at normality.
"I lived the first 13 years of my life like any other human. Never having to control my strength, no defying gravity, fully sensitive to touch, temperature and deaf to the quiet sounds of the world. Then I landed here and everything became so loud, my life became about restraint, always being conscious of how I move and never really 'feeling' anything how I used to. My skin was suddenly pliable but indestructible, no matter how hard Alex or Eliza hugged me it never felt like how I remembered from Krypton. Their body heat doesn't affect me, I don't feel sensation in the same way. And the light…visible light here is wrong. Sol makes the colours wrong, your lightbulbs mimic it while Krypton's mimicked Rao. Greens aren't green, blues aren't blue to me here. People's faces don't look right. I close my eyes and the beautiful scenery I remember from home is cast in red, my mother's face is a skin tone coloured by Rao. I don't just want the item for you Lena. I want it for me. I want to feel. I want to not have to be on guard, I want to sink into sensation and pleasure and you! I want to see what colour green your eyes really are when lit by the red of Rao, I want to trace your skin and your blush in the red light that is normal to me. I want…I want Lena."
Lena feels tears trickle down her cheeks, astonished by how much this means to Kara and all the wants and desires she has been bottling up all these years. Lena wants to kick herself, how did she never think about what Kara coming here at 13 would mean for her. The idea of always existing in a world that is the wrong colour and that she must always be restrained in…Lena wants to cry for Kara but instead she will act.
"Oh Kara, I'm sorry. I didn't realize. I was so stupid. It'll be ok baby, I'll make it work, I'll make it safe. I swear." Lena whispers as she reaches across and pulls Kara's silently weeping form into her arms.