Bloodline

Chapter 17: Freight car

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My beta Autumn_Froste couldn't make it in time, so there might be a few left over mistakes in here we'll polish out soon. Thanks Autumn_Froste and Volpe for working with me on the part with Bruce and Bucky. And also a thank you Dectie for the few Russian translations ^^

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James watched Natasha from the doorway while she sang to their son in his crib. The boy almost instantly fell asleep after being fed, changed and entertained so perfectly by his loving mother.

She gently pulled the blanket over him. "Now get some rest, Alexei. Your mommy will be back as soon as she can and until then daddy will watch over your sleep." Natasha had known James was there, felt his eyes like a warm caress on her back.

The Soldier stepped aside when she excited the nursery, always maintaining a certain distance.

Natasha felt her body and mind aching for him but she suppressed the desire and collected her jacket and keys. "I'll be back in two hours max. Pepper will be in her office. Just ask Jarvis when you need her support."

"You think I can't keep a super-toddler in check?" James asked with a crooked grin that filled her heart with warmth.

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Natasha entered Fury's private office and stood before his desk. Her posture showing strength and her voice was sharp but calm. "You wanted to see me, Sir."

Fury waited and studied her thoroughly before speaking. "How much did it change you?"

She knew what he wanted to know but she still chose to ask anyway. "Excuse me?"

"Becoming a mother changes a woman. I need to know if you'll be able to put a mission's goal above family."

The question hurt. Wounding her pride and making anger flare inside her. Hadn't he been the one so happy for her a few weeks ago? The change back into business mode shouldn't have surprised her but it still made her flinch. She weighed her words carefully. "I will fight even harder to make this world a safer place for my child to grow up."

Fury's stoic expression lasted for another few seconds before an appreciating smile formed on his lips. "I expected nothing less from you." He leaned back in his chair, indicating that their conversation would be more informal now. "So, how have you been holding up so far as a mother? How's the boy?"

She tried to read him but with the godfather of all spies that was always difficult. "Through the serum and my training I might have an advantage above normal mothers since the lack of sleep doesn't bother me that much. Alexei's smart enough to work with me on taking care of him instead of against me. He sleeps through the night most of the times now and luckily he's a very calm infant. The boy started teething two days ago and I'm glad he likes the powder and occasionally mush almost just as much as what I can give him. I hope my body doesn't take long to realize that when I wean him off." She spoke neutrally. This was in fact something important to a mission. An agent in need to use a breast pump while sneaking through an enemy base wasn't exactly ideal. "Alexei took his first tentative steps yesterday. Although he accidently fell on his face pretty comically and decided that crawling was a better option for the moment."

Fury chuckled. "Even with everything the parents passed down on him, it's nice to see he's just as normal as any other child, well, as normal as he can be. Do I soon need to watch out when the mini-spy sneaks up on me?" He said with a smile.

"Considering the huge leaps he does you might need to make the base child proof when I continued doing my job here." Natasha explained and felt pride flooding her. Somehow imagining the boy having inherited this trait of hers didn't bother her as much as it might should. It was one of her greatest talents and helped her survive.

"I'll make adjustments." Casually he asked: "What about Barnes?"

"You mean if he acts outside the parameters? If the ticking time bomb is becoming a danger?" There was venom in her voice. "No, otherwise I wouldn't let him anywhere near Alexei. He is making good progress in adapting, much better than Steve. Although Jarvis should have put Tumblr on the NSFW list." Her tone got more gentle again as she looked into the distance. "He remembers."

"What exactly?" He knew what the glint in her eyes meant.

"Many things from before they turned him into what he is. The memory of his sisters helps him deal with Alexei."

"Anything else?" He might have to dig a little but she would reveal it.

"Us. He has dreams and talks in his sleep sometimes." She didn't mention the flashbacks he had while being half awake. "I don't think he remembers them when he wakes up."

"Of what nature?"

Damn, he wouldn't give up. "Not the bad kind. All memories I have of him and me while he was my trainer are…" Quickly, find a word that doesn't reveal too much.

Fury smiled, a genuine real smile of amusement. "Has he made any advances yet?"

Was he really asking her if they were having sex?! "His mind is still too fragile. He flirts when he is lost in thought, revealing the Bucky Barnes of the past. But he would never touch me without my consent."

"I just want you to be safe. And yes I choose this ambiguous word for a reason."

Natasha growled. If she wasn't the perfect spy she knew her cheeks would have turned bright pink. Was Fury actually doing sexual ed? "Despite my former infertility and resistance to any kind of disease I do know how a contraceptive works."

"Good. You should also talk to Banner about the stuff they gave you. So you know how much time you have left in case you want to give Alexei a sibling. And also, depending on whether HYDRA gave up on their plan or not, it might make you a valuable target."

"You said there was a mission for me?" She didn't want to dwell on that subject for any longer.

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As Natasha went back to her little family's rooms in the Stark Tower her expression darkened with each step while the folder in her hands got heavier with every thought about leaving her son without a mother in case this assignment went south. Such thoughts were nonsense of course. The Black Widow was the best at what she did and the decades she had survived proof enough of her abilities. But still she couldn't shut out the fear she experienced.

Natasha entered as silently as possible when she heard James' deep voice talking to their son.

The father was in the nursery reading to Alexei from a children's book. "And they lived happily ever after." His tone had a hint of longing to it as he finished and shut the book.

Natasha's heart ached as she heard him. God, why couldn't it be easier? Why did fate make it so difficult for them? In another world they could have met and fallen in love without HYDRA interfering and using them as a breeding pair for their new army of super soldiers. They wouldn't have their mind and physiology messed with. They could have been a happy family living in a nice house with a garden and a pet. No threats lurking in every shadow. A place where their son could play and grow up normally, go to school and find a girl. She would be keeping everything in order while her mischievous husband would be a charming troublemaker. Coming home from a camping tour with their son all muddy and wet from an unexpected rain. He would turn the hallway into a filthy mess that she would command him to clean up since the twin girls she was expecting made it impossible for her to reach the floor without needing help to get back up again. He would fulfill her every wish and tell her everyday how beautiful she was with that huge swell of her belly and she would laugh at that before seeing the sincerity in his eyes. And once the girls were born James would become every boy's nightmare with his overprotectiveness. They could have grown old together, smiling proudly at the family they had created, their kids, their grandchildren. A peaceful, normal life in a nice place that belonged to them far away from all the fighting.

And they lived happily ever after.

She wanted to cry. Telling him about all her insecurities while he held her in his arms, promising that everything would be fine. But James was still too fragile. She had to be the strong one until he was fully recovered.

The child squirmed as the constant soothing murmur of the father ended. "What is wrong, kid? Not enough? You want me to read you another one?"

The Black Widow guarded her expression and put on a mask as she entered the nursery. "You'll spoil him rotten."

After handing the child its toy the Soldier turned around. James could see past her façade almost instantly. Something troubled her. "How was your meeting with the director?"

"I'll leave this afternoon for an assignment." She soberly explained. "Gonna send Pepper to help you with Alexei. I'll be back tomorrow when everything works out."

It was not his right to question her but the words left his mouth before he could stop himself. "You think you're up for this?"

Her eyes were like piercing daggers and her voice as cold as ice. "I am the Black Widow. I might have given birth a few weeks ago but that had no impact on my skills." 'Despite maybe heightening my pain tolerance.' she added in her mind. "I am fully healed and ready to do my job."

'And a few weeks are enough for the Black Widow to neglect her offspring? To abandon her family for the greater good?' "I would never dare to question your abilities and strength." He said softly instead of the bitter remark on his tongue. "Just…" He walked closer, the need be near her overpowering his fear of doing something stupid. "... make sure you'll stay safe. For Alexei. He needs his mother." He pressed his lips into a thin line as his eyes showed the depth of his plea. He wanted to lighten the situation a little. "I suck at being a father." He chuckled half-heartedly before finally saying the words he had tried to keep buried deep inside of him. "И мне ты тоже нужна. (And I need you too.)"

Natasha stared at him helplessly. For once he was showing his emotions towards her and she couldn't even open her mouth. 'I need you as well.' She wanted to bury herself in his strong arms, to kiss him with all the desire she hid deep inside. But that would surely scare him off. He wasn't ready yet. Natasha blinked away a tear and gave him a warm smile. "I'll make sure I return to my two boys safely."

Bucky grinned at that before his expression darkened once more. "Doctor Banner and I will have a therapy session in the afternoon. He wants to see if the drugs have had an effect."

The Black Widow recalled the last time he had a flashback about them going on a mission. "You are making progress, James. A lot in my opinion. You're doing fine." She assured him. "But please make sure you don't try to achieve more than your mind can handle, okay."

He nodded.

"We'll talk when I'm back." She wanted to at least kiss his cheek in a friendly manner but took too long to decide. The moment had already passed.

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Banner had just finished readying his equipment when he heard a knock at the door. He checked the clock. Precisely 4 pm. "Come in." He said with a smile while he made himself comfortable in the seat.

"Hello, Doctor Banner. How do you want to start?" Barnes asked apprehensively.

"Good afternoon." Bruce nodded towards the comfortable couch next to him and waited until the soldier was settled. "First of all I wanted to ask you about the meds we are giving you now. It's still experimental, as you know, and any information could help us fine tuning them." He thought about the nights he had spent with Tony in the lab, running calculations and solving puzzles. They were the right road. The first dose had almost knocked Barnes out, but they finally had found a balance. Now it was important to work on his mind, his memories. For that he studied the Winter Soldier more closely. He was still tense, ready to fight or run whatever occurred, his training still strong. But that wasn't what they wanted to work on. Barnes needed to gain control over his life once again, being free of HYDRA. It would be a long way, but merely his willingness to let them tinker with his mind that had been bruised and scarred by HYDRA showed clearly that he was heading towards his goal with big steps. Yet today, something seemed different about him. His usual aura of masculine strength had taken a serious hit. But why?

Bucky closed his eyes and held up his hand as protection against the sun, "Honestly Dr. Banner, my head's killing me and I'm kinda sick to my stomach. Like when Steve and I used to go on too many rides out at Coney Island." He smiled sweetly reminiscing. Bucky knew he wasn't quite up to par when he could hear his Brooklyn drawl begin to sink back in. James shifted into his seat deciding the coolness from his metal hand might be better on his temples. He took several deep breaths. He peaked up from behind his fingers, "Now, what's on the agenda?"

Banner quickly saw through this façade. The man had answered too quickly, giving the information about a weakness too fast. That meant he had something much more troubling on his mind. "Well, I suppose we can give you something against that and change the dosages a little. But I'm afraid we can't do this without any side effects. We try to reverse the trauma HYDRA had done to you through their electroshock treatments. And sometimes healing can also mean pain." His words weren't only centered around physical discomfort and he knew Barnes could sense this. The doctor cleared his throat. "Well, for starters, you could tell me what's on your mind right now. What troubles you?"

Bruce hadn't even gotten to the word shock when James felt his body tense. He knew Bruce saw how jumpy he was. James stood up and paced around the room. He walked toward a plant that Bruce kept by a window. Bruce told him at a previous visit that the plant's name was Maya. James thought it odd to name a plant, but he also felt there was more of a story there, but didn't feel that it was his place to ask.

"Steve brought up something and I'm not sure how I feel about it."

Bruce sat on the edge of the table he used as a desk. He took his glasses off and cleaned them, quietly prodding for more information.

"He said something about…" James trailed off. "In the future, if Natalia would want to have…" James trailed off again and shrugged.

Bruce connected the dots for him, "He suggested that you and Natasha would eventually become intimate again."

James stood up and paced. He had his back toward Bruce, "Why would she ever want to be intimate with me again after everything that's happened?" He turned around to Bruce.

Bruce looked patiently at him, "Have you tried asking her how she felt?"

This time it took him even longer to answer. "Not exactly, but I studied how she acted around me compared to the others. Flirting is a part of her. She enjoys making men flabbergasted. But there was a never a second where she actually..." Then he realized what she had done all this time.

The doctor chuckled despite his efforts not to. "So you finally understand."

Sudden anger made the Winter Soldier's eyes focus on Banner which made the man laugh even more. "What's so funny?"

"It's just nice to see how normal you truly are. Believe me when I say that all will work out."

Hope bloomed over Barnes' features while at the same time he felt helpless again and so unsure of how to react.

"She will guide you when you are ready."

James balled his fists. "Natalia is doing so much for me, and what am I giving her in return?"

"You gave her a family. Something she never thought possible. And she is grateful for that."

"I forced her into this. It was the mission HYDRA gave me." There was more behind these words.

Bruce tried to keep him away from the darker thoughts. "But in the end all went well. Just focus on that."

James shook his head as if he tried to get rid of certain images. "I forced her." He repeated and now the meaning was much clearer.

Bruce swallowed and gave both of them a few seconds before he continued. "She is not afraid of you." He finally answered.

That actually made him smile. "She never really was, even when..." He froze as he remembered.

"When...?" Bruce asked and picking up his pencil again, ready to take notes.

"I remember training her. I knew I had, but those memories were only glimpses and I wasn't sure if it merely was wishful thinking or something HYDRA put in me to fulfill my mission. It's... incomplete, but I think it's true." His body reacted to all the pictures he now saw. His mouth open as he remembered seeing her the first time. Then this need to protect her, to train her, to scold her, to laugh with her, to... "It's all incoherent."

"Like a fragment, right? A piece of memory you just can't figure out or put into the timeline."

James froze when he realized how right Banner was. He looked up and his mind tried to define if the smile Bruce gave him was of good nature or to manipulate him. "A couple of pieces in fact. I remember a few dates. It thought she had been just one of many I trained but I now think, for a certain time, it was... just her." Just her. That sounded so weird.

"As far as I know by now you two are the most effective," Bruce chose this word to keep it neutral, "people at what you do. She must have her skills from somewhere."

James nodded. "We are very evenly matched. If it wasn't for my arm we could fight each other for hours and there would be no winner." And even then Natasha could find ways to disable his advantage. That thought made him smile.

Banner had noticed the slight change of his demeanor and two facts became very clear. First of all, the rekindling relationship with Natasha was a good thing for all of them. At the beginning Bruce had been a little unsure, caring about the Black Widow who had become a good friend over the time they saved the world together, but now this seemed to be the solution with the most promisable outcome. And secondly, it would be beneficial for the two of them working as a team in this together on a mission and in their private life. It might also help Natasha regain a few of her memories. Most of it she had recovered by herself by now but it seemed like there was still a lot left to unveil, especially concerning Barnes. She had told Bruce very similar things about the past the two assassins shared, but she also had holes in her memories which she wanted to fill. He would have to talk to Tony about this. Maybe there was a more effective way to help both of them at the same time. Bruce grinned. Another sleepless night over the screens in a talk everyone else would simply call nerd-ish. And the doctor was looking forward to it.

"What's so funny?" James asked, suddenly unsure again.

"Oh, I am sorry. I was just… I have a few new ideas, but they need a bit of pondering over them first." He quickly wrote down a few words and closed the book before Barnes could grow even more suspicious. "Alright. Back to the topic at hand. During the other half of this session I want to give it a first go and see how much effect the drugs have so far. I want to guide into one of your first brain washings. I assume that was when they made you forget about your time as a US soldier, your time with Steve. And since most of it is already back we have a halfway explored room to illuminate. It will help me find the boundaries our current concept of recovering has, test what happens if we attempt to surpass the limits." Bruce got up to fetch a few objects with cables connected to them. "This here is purely to have a look at what is going on inside your brain. They are not for active aid but passive surveillance. Yet still I am sure you might feel uncomfortable with them attached to you so I want you to examine them yourself first."

Barnes took the metal object from Banner and gave it a thorough look. It reminded him much of the devices that shot blinding pain through his skull.

Bruce saw him hesitating and added. "This is actually a modified version of what is used in hospitals. And they are basically harmless. We could put you in a big, loud machine as well but this smaller gadget is more suitable for our needs."

"Alright," James lowly said as he handed it back to the doctor.

"Okay, now let's make you comfortable. I will explain everything before I attach it so you can be more at ease." The doctor wanted to be supportive but he felt Barnes' patience running thin. "Over there is a chair you will sit in." He walked James over into the adjoining room. This one was much smaller with many computers and screens, a desk, a simple bed and also...

Every fiber of his being revolted as he moved towards the chair. He tried to remind himself that this wouldn't hurt him physically. That he could abort any time he wanted but… He only wished Natalia hadn't gone on a mission. As weird as it sounded, he would have wanted her to hold his hand through this. She had the astonishing ability to ground him.

Bruce carefully put the sensors onto James' temples and forehead that would later show them exact images of which sections of the brain were active. He knew the Soldier was more than a little bit anxious and had to fight hard to keep still, so Banner tried to be calm, soothing in words and actions. He moved his hands in a way that would indicate where he put the next sensor.

James flinched as Bruce attached the electrodes. Their presence was a bit uncomfortable, it was a weird sensation over all. They were cold and especially the ones closer to his scalp felt like cold metal fingers holding his skull in place. Like a cold grip of something from the past. Maybe that was just his imagination, but maybe his past self tried to encapsulate his memories for a reason. "Should I close my eyes or does it work either way?", the soldier asked.

Bruce checked if all cables were connected to the machine before turning it on to give it time to calibrate. He gave a quick nod as he saw all the windows on the screens showing moving lines. Barnes' voice ripped him out of his scientific bliss, startling him for a second. "It works better with your eyes closed. As I said we want you to remember the past, so the less presence you perceive the easier it'll get. To get the machines calibrated I will first start with everyday things which I'll trigger through images, noise or smell. You're okay so far?"

Barnes nodded, it would be more comfortable with his eyes closed anyway. "It needs getting used to but I think I'll be fine.", he answered shortly. He was a bit nervous, facing his past and what might have happened made him anxious, but he had to endure it. If not for himself, for Natasha and his child.

As soon as James had shut his eyes Bruce pulled out the various things he wanted to try out. With a smile he decided to go for a surely delightful memory. "I will now let you smell something and I want you to tell me what exactly you remember about it. Don't worry. I believe you'll like it, and we can share them once we're done here." He took the food out of the styropor box and held it towards Barnes. He would let him get a quick sniff before storing them again to keep them warm for later.

A smile was plastered on James' lips as he recognized the scent of a warm hot dog in front of him. His mind started drifting, he used to love them back when he was just Bucky. He often went to Baseball games with his former best friend Steve and hot dogs were obligatory for visits at the stadium. "I remember Steve… we used to eat junk food a lot when we were watching games. He used to be so tiny back then, barely managing one bun while I had five. And ten times more beer than he had. Stevie only needed to take a sip and was smashed." Bucky murmured.

Bruce looked at the lines being drawn and saw the 3D images of the brain highlighting a certain area. "Good." He typed in a few commands and checked if everything was recorded correctly. "Now, let's try sound stimulation." He looked through the sound file folder he had prepared for this. It was either the sound of a fireplace, wind in the leaves or something or something more human. Choosing the last option seemed the most enjoyable one. "Tell me what you remember." He clicked on play, filling the room with the sound of children running down a hallway, giggling.

The image in his mind shifted. James furrowed his brows as he saw young girls, running along the halls, playing catch and being loud. He used to be so annoyed by them, but now he missed them dearly. "I see my sisters. I still miss them. I always will", he answered. Somehow thinking about what happened to them made his heart ache. He had already remembered having sisters, the mechanics behind being an older brother had helping him dealing with Alexei, but now… seeing them so vividly before him was hard to take. What were they doing? Were they still alive? He hadn't tried to contact them yet in fear of finding out something that could have hurt him more than not knowing anything.

"You could ask Jarvis to help you find out how they fared in the past." Bruce said while marking some lines in the graphs. The drug was taking effect now, making Barnes relive his memories much more intense, making sure he saw every detail. That was good. It was like an enhanced memory training. When his mind got so good at replaying everyday things it would make it easier for him to unlock those moments that had been lost forcefully. "Okay, now let's move on to something else. I want you to conjure up a picture from your mind. Something you know has more to it than you remember currently. Maybe something from your time with Steve in the army. I want you to train to work on regaining access yourself."

Bucky concentrated hard for almost a minute and he was surprised Bruce let him. Being used to pressure from HYDRA, this was a calming trance he found himself in. He could walk around his own memories. It was like looking through a slideshow with hundreds of pictures and video showing. He enjoyed the glimpses he got while scrolling by. This was a happier past, even though it was laced with war, it also contained friends and laughter. Then he found an image of the whole group. It was… blurry, pixilated and roughened. Immediately he knew there were some parts of it missing. "Alright…" he murmured. "I've got something. What should I do now?"

Bruce had watched the graphs drawing lines so far. He had seen a spike, like something revolting. "Good, you found a memory that got fractured. Now I want you to pull it in front of you. And try to put it back into 3D until you are sure you could touch it when you reach your hand out. Don't worry. It won't be impossible anymore. The drugs will help you focus and clear out the fog around it." He himself didn't know how a picture like that would actually look like. He had some experience from what the Hulk released for him to see. Which was exactly that. In a mist and unreachable.

Barnes took a deep breath and let himself fall into the image. Suddenly warmth surrounded him and it was… not as he expected. James didn't know what had expected in the first place actually. But this was… good... somehow. "I can hear voices now. Laughter and… definitely Steve's voice. He is telling jokes I once told him, showing off. Oh god I rolled my eyes at that."

"Work hard on Steve to get that side of him out again, okay?" He knew Captain America of today and he wished a little bit of what James experienced would become part of the nation's symbol again.

"I will try. Damn, I really have to try. He is a gentleman by nature but the time in the ice really shoved a stick up his ass." Barnes chuckled and relaxed in his seat, sighing contently.

At that moment Bruce knew the Soldier would be ready to step into darker waters, fortified and confident. "Alright then. I think we can try the real challenge now. Remember, it won't hurt you. It's only a memory you can not alter or undo, but you can understand it, analyze it and put it into a folder."

James stilled instantly and stiffened. "'Kay… What should I do?" He was afraid. Wouldn't admit it to Bruce although he surely knew it, but he… was truly scared right now.

"As I said before I want to take you back to the time before the brain washing." Bruce explained following the paths on his notes. "What is the first thing you remember from the last actually conscious moment. Your last mission, or whatever you can keep a track on."

"Steve and I were in the alps. We were trying to get to Zola. Ziplining like idiots. God damn, we should have ended up like bugs on a windshield…" He could feel the cold wind now, goosebumps appearing on his skin as his body reacted to the memory. "We entered the train and fought there. Steve handed me his pistol when I ran out of bullets. That HYDRA soldier blasted a hole into the wall and I took Steve's shield to protect myself while I fired at him. And then…"

Bruce saw the physical reaction clearly in the spike of adrenaline and elevated heart rate. There was something weird in the brain scan which the doctor couldn't quite understand. The memory connected to something else somehow that seemed to pulse in a different way, as if it was waiting, but shielded until it was touched. Bruce furrowed his brows. There was more to it. The tissue around it was showing signs of much more trauma than the rest of the brain. Like this was forced into him. The more Bucky spoke the more the area seemed to light up. Was this something Barnes had to unlock, or was it… This was different, and it almost felt dangerous. Thinking it might be a memory James had locked away because of traumatic reasons Bruce tried to urge him forward. "What happened then?" He knew what, but he had to guide Barnes along.

"Another blast of energy threw me out of the train. I was clinging to a pipe of some sort." Bucky's grip on the chair's armrests tightened. "Steve tried to reach out to me, but… I fell…"

Bruce looked at him directly, there was sweat on his forehead and he was breathing rapidly. "So you fell into the ravine while Steve was still in the freight car." As soon as he had spoken the last words something on the screens flared, but the doctor was too concentrated on Barnes' reaction.

A tremor had gone through the soldier and now he was completely still, his eyes torn open while he waited. "Я готов отвечать. (Ready to comply.)"

Bruce stared at him, not understanding. Only a second later he was smashed into the wall.

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Yes, you all know what happened and you surely have doubts of how only the last trigger could have make him snap. With the drugs given to him he was more open for this. (Yeah, I know, not very logical somehow, but bear with me. Like this we can work on getting him rid of the triggers and I think that's worth the not canon stuff here ^^)

Sorry for the long wait but I somehow lacked the motivation to write. I could always use a boost from you guys ^^ Reviews and criticism keep me going because I have a reason to make it better, add more chapters.

Help me decide:

-Bucky goes on a rampage through the tower and stops in front of his son and finally comes to his senses.

-Bucky flees and when Natasha comes back from her mission she has to track him down and help him.