Bloodline

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Chapter 19: I won't leave you, my boy - or: Taking risks

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So glad I finally found the time to put all these pieces here together. Many parts have already been written ages ago and they didn't quite fit anymore. Took me a while to figure out how to do this. Especially the trigger erase part. I wrote a lot of science stuff in the last chapters about how they would do it and now is finally the time.

Also, I just LOVE to write about the child. He's so cute in here. When I had the idea (I won't say much now. You have to read it.) my heart swelled with pride. I felt like Nat herself when she saw it.

Thank you for the reviews. I asked you a question last time and everyone who answered said the same. Put the smut memory in. So here comes a little tease. And since the blockade formed by the triggers is gone, Bucky will remember more, with Natasha's aid. And oh, there will be tears in the end as well when they realise how much their handlers took from them. A little teaser for that is in the last paragraphs.

No beta again this time and Dectie hasn't answered for the Russian translations, but I think google did a good job.

Also, I had the weird idea of turning this into an audiobook on my own XD Yeah, sometimes I lose my mind XD

Enjoy and please review ^^

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"Наталья... Я не могу. Хотел бы, но не могу (Natalia... I can't. I wish I could.)"

"Мы сможем это сделать. Вместе. (We can do it. Together.)"

He desperately wanted to believe her words...

Natasha saw she was getting nowhere with his depressive state of mind. "Get yourself back together and quit your whining, Barnes. I already have one baby to take care of." She growled in mock-anger.

"How can you still want me? After all I did to first you, and now our son." His words were barely a whisper. He suddenly felt his wounded leg, the weight of what he had done today a heavy burden on his shoulders. How in the world could he become what she wanted, needed him to be, a good father and affectionate lover? Maybe even a dutiful husband?

Natasha turned her head to one of the smaller, older buildings around them. "A few decades ago we stood on a rooftop just like this. Only there was snow. I came to you with the information I had extracted and waited for you to kill the other target." She saw him trying to remember, failing, the frustration growing. "I gave you a blowjob while you were aiming with your rifle."

Well, that certainly kick-started his memory. "I shot the moment I came... Almost missed the target because of you."

"You certainly didn't try to stop me doing it either way." She saw his grin and relaxed. Well, that seemed to be the way to go. Brutal honesty and that hint of sarcasm. That was the James she knew and wanted.

"As soon as we were back in the safe house I nailed you against the mattress so hard you still had bruises when we came back to the Red Room. They weren't amused and we had to try very hard so they wouldn't find out about us." They had even given each other more, less conclusive injuries to cover what they had done. Which had led to another round of hot sex. How could he have forgotten? The memory made him want her all the more, his manhood swelling with need. But he couldn't...

"I would love to repeat this." Natasha purred, leaning in closer.

A shudder went through his entire frame as he fought down the desire. "I can't, not yet."

"I know. Whenever you are ready. But please, come back with me now. You know it's the right choice." She thought he would reject her as he looked up with sad eyes that had given up hope. Yet then he took a deep breath before reaching for the hand she stretched out for him.

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Steve was the first to greet them as they entered through the elevator. "Buck, you're alright?" He eyed the bloody bandages around his right leg.

"Broken bone. Nothing a few titanium screws and plates won't fix." He tried to be funny while the others looked at him warily. "I'm sorry I put you through so much trouble."

Natasha gave them a nod to tell them Barnes was no danger, at least not right now.

Cautiously they came closer, except for Bruce who was fast to take the first step towards him. "It's actually my fault. I should have expected a reaction of some sort. That I stumbled right into a trigger word that got amplified with the drug I didn't see coming." Bruce explained, not even showing an ounce of distrustfulness as he extended his hand to help him inside the medical wing. "Let's get you treated."

"Don't stain my carpet with all that blood. You've done enough damage to my bar." Tony murmured as he watched the drops of red liquid falling. He saw Barnes looking at him, shame and regret in his eyes. "Just... next time, try to use the gym for the fight." That made both men grin. Despite all the dark points where their ways had crossed they at least shared the same humor.

When they were in front of Pepper he motioned Natasha and Bruce to stop for a moment. "I am sorry, Miss Potts. I never meant to..." He wasn't sure how to form the right words.

"I know about your situation and I don't hold any form of grudge. It wasn't your doing, not your mind that decided upon that. Also, you left me alive. Not many can say they survived the Winter Soldier." She was calm, composed. Stark had done a great job at choosing her.

James knew she wanted to sooth him with this, but it only made him wince. "Where is Alexei?"

That was the moment he spotted him peeking around the corner with Hawkeye next to him.

"Barnes, I think we should look at your wounds first of all." Bruce tried to direct him, motioned at the blood soaked clothes that might scare the child even more, but the father would have none of that.

"Alexei, my boy, I am so sorry. Daddy didn't want to frighten you." He reached out with his hand and already expected him to shy away but then the boy ran towards him as fast as his little toddler legs allowed him to.

"Папочка (Daddy)! Daddy stay," the boy demanded as he slung his arms around the uninjured leg.

"I will stay, my boy. I will stay." His voice shook while the mask he put onto his face crumbled until there were tears on his cheeks.

Alexei looked at his mother. "Up!" he ordered which made everyone around them grin.

"Come here, my big boy." She knew James could support himself now with Steve and Bruce's help so she reached for the toddler and pulled him up into her arms. Natasha was glad that the situation hadn't changed Alexei. The boy wasn't scared for life after a moment like this. Their son still knew that there was good in Barnes.

The toddler looked at him, only confusion and uncertainty on his face, not even a hint of dread. "Daddy not go. Right?"

"I won't leave you, my boy." He assured the kid.

"Never?" Alexei asked with his features so trusting and filled with hope and joy James' heart could barely cope.

"Never ever." He hugged both Natasha and his child before they led him to the medical ward.

Patching up a wound like this hurt like a bitch, James decided. Yet still he tried not to show any pain while his son was around, sitting on Natasha's lap who was on a chair next to the injured.

Since the boy was almost clingy Bruce had allowed them to be present but used a sheet to block the view while the boy babbled to his father.

It was weird somehow. Instead of causing a trauma the situation had unlocked a huge amount of abilities in his son. A few days ago he could barely say mommy and now he talked in two or even three word sentences. Natasha seemed to have noticed this as well, smiling at him. Both of them were glad the experience hadn't left a bad mark on the boy. He was just confused by his father yelling at him for no reason, not understanding what a gun could have caused. Once he got old enough and asked them about it they would tell, yet for now all the boy needed was a tight hug and a few soothing words. Unbelievable. But what else could you expect from the son of Winter and Widow?

"Okay, I am almost done here. Considering your abilities the minor cuts will heal within the next day but as for the leg I want the cast to stay on for a least a week. It already started mending while you were gone. Luckily in the right way." Bruce took off the gloves and put away everything he had needed to patch him back up.

"I set it as well as I could. I don't get hurt often but after a few times you know what to do to avoid the doctors punishing you for getting injured in the first place." The Winter Soldier explained sourly.

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Six days later James was sitting comfortably on the sofa with his son playing next to him on the carpet. Naturally the Soldier was on house arrest with Jarvis keeping an eye on him until they had helped him against the triggers but that would have to wait. A body still healing could lessen the effect or even endanger him.

He was zapping through the usual channels without finding anything interesting to watch. The biggest part of his attention was on his son anyway. The boy had made a couple more leaps in his development. Logic seemed to be this weeks' favorite. He had started with the wooden toy with holes in the size and shape of the little objects you had to put through, right now he was solving puzzles with 50 pieces. That made James wonder what the boy would do next. And well, the answer came straight away.

"Draw?" Alexei asked him, holding up a few crayons and pointing at Barnes' leg still in the cast.

Where would be the harm in bringing a little color on it? And even if it turned out to be grotesque the thing wouldn't stay on longer than another day. "Of course, Alexei. Draw on it what you like." He saw the boy looking at the crayons around him, selecting one and starting to brush over the plaster with precise strokes.

From this angle the boy's head was obscuring the view, but James relaxed either way. The child wouldn't draw a gentleman's sausage on it, as Stark had suggested when the question of autographs on the plaster had arisen.

"Done." The boy finally said and stepped back.

Before Barnes could even look at it, he heard Natasha's gentle voice from the door. "It matches your eyes, er, I mean your arm." The mistake was intentional of course.

Bucky stared at his son's masterpiece and damn, it was a masterpiece. Drawn on the plaster was a copy of his metal arm, fitted for his leg, each line in darker gray like something that could actually work from the technological viewpoint. Plus... the red star.

"Do you like it, daddy?" The boy asked, now suddenly unsure since his father was merely staring at the drawing.

"It's fantastic, my boy. Magnificent." He flexed his arm to compare the two.

"Your arm is strong. Your leg is hurt, so I draw the pattern, make your leg strong again." It was a child's logic but it was so... astonishing.

Years later they would still have the cast in a box with memories of their children's youth.

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Guided by Jarvis Bruce found the Black Widow in the communal living room where Stark had built a playpen in one corner so every Avenger could enjoy the boy's amazing little wonders. He was like a magnet and everyone wanted to give him advices or teach him something. And the boy was a quick learner, surprising them each time. "Nat, if you have a minute, I have been able to finally analyze the drug HYDRA gave you."

"The one that miraculously reversed what the Red Room has done?" That could be interesting. "Give me ten minutes to ask James to look after Alexei, then I'm all ears."

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Natasha studied at the data while Bruce explained it to her. "So you're basically saying it was a super soldier serum powershot?"

Banner nodded eagerly. "Yes, it gave your body the ability to regrow lost body parts to a certain extent. I am not entirely sure if it was also altered to be focused on only your reproductive system. Maybe, if you had lost an arm or a leg before getting it you might have grown that one back too. It's fascinating and I am sure if used correctly and for the good it could revolutionize modern medicine. Of course the backlash of the drug will have to be disabled."

"You mean the dying?" She deadpanned.

Bruce bit his lip, lost in thought about how to solve this issue. "Yeah that."

"You gave me something to counteract the serum." Natasha recalled. "How did that affect the drug? It's sole purpose had been to knock me up once." There was no polite way of saying this.

Banner looked at her with interest. "You want to know if your fertility is permanent?"

"Yes." She had her head turned to the side, watching the city through the huge window. Asking for this meant sharing her heart's desires. But she trusted Bruce enough for this.

The doctor smiled kindly. "I would have to do a few tests to see if your body is releasing the hormones to actually give you a cycle. And if your body is able to produce viable eggs." He knew any kind of medical treatment still took a lot of courage and trust from her side but considering how far some people would go to fulfill their dream of a child she would fight her way through when she was ready. "But I can already assure you that I haven't seen any permanent damage from the c-section we had to perform. You've already healed yet I would advise another examination before you and Barnes try again but…"

"You think he will ever be up for that?" She interrupted him and instantly regretted her words.

Bruce grinned at that question. "Physically?"

Natasha bit her lip. God, only the thought of finally giving in to him, of having this beast of a man on top of her - or beneath - was enough to make her body crave this intimate touch. "You know what I mean."

In the past weeks he had learned a lot about this secret love between the two of them, although the two hadn't even acknowledged it themselves, or to one another. Too fragile was the Winter Soldier's mind. They needed time to repair themselves before even attempting something like love. But the seeds were sown. Well, strictly speaking their physical relationship, although something forced by HYDRA, had already been fruitful. "We will have to work with him until he feels comfortable enough to let himself go."

Fuck, the image in her mind turned her legs to jelly.

"But he has been a prime example of a father so far." Bruce didn't include the misstep they had made with one of the triggers. In his eyes that didn't count. It didn't count in Natasha's eyes either.

"Also, about the trigger issue..." The doctor reached for an old microfilm and also pulled up the images on the screen. "Stark was able to get his hands on this after we realized what to look out for."

Natasha blanched. She knew this writing... "That's..." It wasn't on the pictures, they only held the pages, but somehow she was sure the book's red cover had a black star on it. Suddenly an erased memory unlocked itself and she remembered... James screaming, and a calm voice speaking words that would become engraved in the Winter Soldier's mind.

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After Natasha had explained James about their advances concerning the trigger words she had gone into the bathroom to get ready for bed.

Meanwhile the father had taken his son to bed. Luckily it had been an eventful day for the boy and he was asleep even before James had finished tucking him in. He gave him one last kiss and wished him a good night in Russian before exiting quietly. He had planned to stay up and read through Banner and Stark's new ideas concerning the triggers, of course with the rated T version so to say – nobody wanted another incident - but as soon as he sat down he noticed that the light in the bathroom was still turned on. A frown appeared on his face as he heard Natasha rumbling around in the cabinets.

A few minutes later she exited with a hand pressed to her abdomen, seemingly lost in thought. The mother stopped in her tracks as she became aware of his watchful gaze. "Good night," she muttered and hurried into the bedroom with her cheeks flushed.

That certainly peaked his curiosity. She didn't seem hurt, but something had definitely taken her off guard. The Winter Soldier stood and went into the bathroom in search for anything unusual. Nothing was out of the ordinary, so he began to look closer. She had seemed in pain, so he opened the little bottle with painkillers yet found none of the pills missing. So what...?

Then his eyes saw the telltale bit of plastic hanging out of the waste bin beneath the sink that hadn't been there before. He opened the lid to find a piece of wrapping between the cotton sticks, handkerchiefs and other waste. James had seen this before. When Natasha had recovered from the birth of their son. He wasn't stupid. He knew what a pad was. That she was in need of feminine products could only mean one thing. And now he understood what had troubled her this much.

She had a cycle, which lead to the conclusion that Alexei didn't have to stay an only child. James braced himself against the sink as he felt the primitive desire to prove his manhood by impregnating her again. It would usually only be a quick thought passing as soon as logic returned to his mind, but with HYDRA's drug primal needs got amplified. James felt shame flushing his cheeks as he cupped his erection, now swollen and tenting his jogging pants. The effect of the aphrodisiac wasn't as strong as a few days ago when he had fled under the cold shower, so at least there was a light at the end of tunnel. Now wasn't the time for this sort of thing, especially not for Natasha. But he couldn't fight down the desire. Damn it! James wanted to punch something, preferably the twisted person who had developed this drug.

He tried to walk back into the living room with weirdly spread legs. God, this was so embarrassing. At least Natasha was by now fast asleep in the bedroom, their bedroom. Again his mind wandered back to all the possibilities now unfolding before him. They could have another chance. Alexei was perfect, that was out of the question. But he hadn't been conceived the way Barnes wished he had. Maybe this gave them the opportunity to do it again the way it was supposed to be. Like a young couple madly in love, rutting in every place possible until at last the little test stripe showed them a plus sign. And then he would help her through the nausea, give her back rubs and finally hold her hand through the pain. Maybe they could have a daughter with her mother's perfect looks. Alexei would have someone to play with and watch over as soon as he got old enough to do that.

Sighing he rubbed his eyes and tried to distract him with the report. He wouldn't find sleep tonight anyway.

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Natasha stared at the words on the page she was holding. Knowing what they meant for her Soldier, what they could do to him. It felt like touching burning flames. This was a chapter of James' life that was too dark for even his strong mind to handle.

He was fixated to keep him from escaping, sedated to keep him in a state between sleep and wakefulness, but not far enough gone to stop him from listening. Steve was waiting outside, ready to support them in case he broke lose against all odds.

All of them waited patiently until Bruce had finished positioning the probe inside James' skull, ready to disperse the medication right where the trigger words had been forced into his mind to get the best results possible. With Stark's advanced tech and ideas what usually would have been a bigger surgery was now done by a tiny hole in the skull that would, with Barnes' enhanced healing, close right after they pulled out the probe. A few silent moments passed until he motioned Natasha to start.

The Black Widow took a deep breath to steady her voice. Her hands that held the paper shook before she had at last centered herself to do what had to be done. They were helping him. All would be well. She repeated in her head over and over. Then she started reading the words in Russian.

"Желание. (Longing.)"

She saw him flinching in his half-sleep state and held her breath for a second, waiting for another response.

"Ржaвый. (Rusted.)"

A hoarse groan from the Soldier.

"Семнадцать. (Seventeen.)"

She saw him fighting against the drugs keeping him under.

"Рассвет. (Daybreak.)"

The twitches in the metal arm would be strong enough to break lesser bonds, but Tony had made sure there was no option to tear the restraints apart.

"Печь. (Furnace.)"

His face contorted in agony while the instruments sounded in alarm.

"Девять. (Nine.)"

James tried to pry his head free, the muscles in his neck straining.

"Добросердечный. (Benign.)"

Natasha almost wanted to stop as she saw his agony but Bruce urged her to go further.

"возвращение на родину. (Homecoming.)"

The name 'Natalia' left his lips in a plea as he gasped for air. None of them heard it except for her.

"Один. (One.)"

He almost broke free with his inhuman strength. Maybe taking off the arm would have been a good idea...

"грузовой вагон. (Freight car.)"

The Winter Soldier tore open his eyes, pupils blown wide and dark. His breathing came in short gasps before he answered. "Я готов отвечать. (Ready to comply.)"

Natasha felt her heart ache at the sight of her lover in such a state. Memories flooded back to her and her voice was merely a whisper as she said: "Вы свободны, солдат. (You are free, Soldier.)"

The drugs pulled him back under and he gave an exhausted sigh. They had done it, now all they could do was wait whether the produce had been successful or not. On the screens they saw the section which had been flaring red before, now merely glowing in a soft green while the medication worked its magic, disconnecting the tissue from the rest of the brain and finally sealing it off.

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James had awoken slowly. It had taken his exhausted body several hours to neutralize the sedatives. And even now, already sitting in a comfortable chair instead of on the table, it was difficult for him to keep his eyes open. They had disconnected him from most of the machines, although they left a few portable gadgets on to check his vitals.

The moment they had untied him had been critical. None of them knew if the drugs had taken the wanted effect or if, god forbid, they had activated him now fully and he only held still so another escape was possible.

But from the first conscious thought James had known they had been successful. There was a weightlessness in his mind where the triggers had been. It felt strange somehow. As if he had always been subconsciously aware that there had been something forcefully implanted although he had forgotten it every time his mind questioned the weird feelings. But now, since his neurons were no longer connected to it, he could almost physically feel the vile torture that came it with slowly decaying, losing strength and dying.

Steve sat next to him, asking questions of which half of them had been written down by Bruce to test the state of his mind, his intelligence. In case they had hurt and disconnected more than intended. This would have been the Black Widow's job but she had excused herself after they were sure Barnes had been asleep again. No one blamed her for it, noticing her façade crumbling.

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For two hours now the Black Widow had wept in her hiding place inside the tower. She had known this to be a task that took its toll, but she hadn't expected to break down. Yet when the vitals had gone haywire right at the end… If something had gone wrong she might have killed the father of her child, the man she loved. God, she loved him.

Another ten minutes Natasha stayed there, trying to gain the courage to check on him. She hoped he would forgive her for the pain she had put him through. Sneaking into a bathroom without being seen was easy, but seeing herself in the mirror was another thing. Christ, she looked terrible… Usually nothing could break through to her core but this had torn down every barrier she once thought impregnable. Washing her face and putting on new makeup helped her regaining the mask she wore almost all the time.

A short while later Natasha leaned against the wall and finally her heart was beginning to calm down. Her muscles relaxed and she felt how everything was aching. She released a breath she had been holding and massaged her lower belly. A few days ago she had gotten her period which meant that her renewed fertility could be permanent. The thought excited her. After she had spent the last weeks with Alexei she was glad for the possibilities HYDRA had given her. Natasha grimaced. Bruce would want to do a couple more tests to see how it had affected her but somehow the mother knew it already. And she wanted, more than anything else, to give Alexei a sibling to play with. A younger brother he would take care of just like James had taken care of Steve when they had been teens.

She stretched her limbs. Now was not the time to think this far ahead. The main focus was on fixing James so he was again capable of accepting and cherishing the life with his family. Then, slowly she would rekindle their love, strengthening the bond she had with him while they walked on the long way of regaining what had been forcefully taken from them.

The Winter Soldier was still inside the room talking to Steve and she allowed them their privacy. A few minutes later the Captain came out, a hopeful smile on his lips. Time would tell but for now everything had worked out.

Natasha gave Steve a friendly nod and finally entered the room.

Barnes was sitting there, so deep in thought he didn't even hear her. Something was amiss and he had been very skilled at hiding it in front of his best friend.

"James?" she whispered, trying not to startle him.

He twitched violently and looked up at her with sad eyes.

"What's the matter?" She asked and added soothingly. "Everything went well." They would have to do a check next week but thus far everything had gone perfectly as planned. Much to her delight.

His throat was raw as he spoke. "Does the word 'Rose' mean anything to you?"

Natasha looked at him, completely puzzled. "No, not really. Why?"

"It's just..." He was fighting against himself. "A thought. When they worked their little magic I... think I remembered something that got hidden behind the trigger words. As if they had been used to cover up a dark secret that was seemingly grave enough to distract me on missions. Or whatever... Forget it. It might simply be a false memory they had implanted and which got scrambled up somehow." He stood and went back to their rooms to get some rest.

Natasha stared at the spot he had been sitting for a long time, trying to make sense of it. Somehow the rose had always made her sad, but she knew it had nothing to do with the flower. Grave enough to distract someone as professional as him? Maybe... she had been erased more often than she thought previously because somehow... it had to do with both of them…

She pushed the darker thoughts aside and whispered the word, testing it out. A longing that could either lead to heartbreak or love spread across her body. It would be a beautiful name for a daughter...

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You think this audiobook idea sounds… manageable? Would you like to listen to my weird German accent while I read this out loud? XD (No, my accent isn't thaaat strong XD)

Reading it and editing a little doesn't take nearly as long as the comic I am currently drawing for the fanfic. I have a mic and my midi interface at hand since I record my singing from time to time.

Please review ^^