She could hear the crackle of the fire and her own breath holding down her sobs. She couldn't look at him. She swallowed, still staring at the floor. "I …" she cleared her throat, feeling her hands shake. "I want to believe this," she breathed.
"I swear on all that I hold dear that it's true…" she didn't see him reach for her then hesitate.
"But even if it is," and now she looked at him. "There's nothing to be done. We are not in any position to do anything about this. And I wouldn't know what to do if we could."
"I don't understand. Neither of us are married. There is no legal impediment."
"We swore to protect the Seven Kingdoms. We are at war," Brienne paused. "And I have never known love. In any way. I have no idea what to do."
"If you're talking about…" he felt the blood rush to his face.
"I'm not. And I am. I'm talking about all of it. I know one thing, and one thing only. And it isn't love."
"Brienne, if you do feel as I do, then please tell me. We can have a few days of happiness. Isn't that worth it?"
"At what price?" she cried.
"Do something for yourself for once! Lord you are stubborn. It's incredible…I go from loving one of the most selfish people in Westeros to one of the most selfless," he shook his head. "Tyrion was wrong. Things are immensely complicated."
"You are sincere," she looked at him, tear-streaked face red…"You mean it."
"Of course I do," he crossed his arms, and leaned against the wall again.
"How? You're you…and I'm me."
"I don't understand."
"I'm…not a lady. Knights woo ladies."
"Have you been listening at all?"
She stared at him.
"Brienne?"
She swallowed, then looked away. "When I was a young girl, I would dream that a Knight, not some Prince or King, would come to my home and stay there. He'd teach me all that he knew about chivalry and swordsmanship. He'd tell me how to fight. And then he'd take me away on adventures, and we'd fall in love. And he'd tell me that he'd build a small house in the forest and we'd live there."
He nodded. He sensed that she wanted to speak longer, and though he was happy to listen, his legs wouldn't withstand much more. "Might we find a place to sit? I don't think that I can stand much longer."
Brienne turned and walked down a narrow hall towards a small, candlelit chamber. A squire was there, and he removed her armor for her. "Thank you," she said to the squire, and she sat, Jaime sitting across from her. "And that was that. That was the end of it. And though I loved Renly, he'd never love me back…perhaps that was why. Because he was safe.
And I thought that you were safe, too. How could Jaime Lannister, Captain of the Kingsguard, Kingslayer, golden child of the Lannister lion love me? So I did so in secret, never really admitting it to myself. And there was always your sister there. All of the mess that came with that."
He dropped his gaze. "It was rather a mess, wasn't it?"
She didn't answer. "Cersei knew that I loved you, probably even before I did. In fact, it might have been she who planted the seed."
Jaime didn't respond. How very like Cersei to see something no one else could.
"How is any of this possible? And why now?"
"Because…I suppose my loyalty demanded that I stood by Cersei. No matter what. And now, now that I'm free of that…I was able to follow my heart."
She shook her head. "I don't know. I don't know."
"Brienne," he reached and took her head. It was trembling. "I love you. Perhaps you are overthinking all of this."
She smiled, and more tears fell. "I've never been more confused in my life. I've always had the answer…or at least trust I knew who could give me the answer."
"What can I do to convince you?"
"Give me a few hours. I need to think."
He nodded. "Do not leave this castle. Do not go out and fight before we speak again…"
She nodded her answer.
"I want your word."
"You have it."
And Jaime stood with more strength than he had since the battle. "I'll be by the hearth in the great room in two hours. Please find me there," he bowed and walked away.
Brienne let out a sob, covered her face, and slumped in the chair.
She found Sansa reviewing battle plans with Daenerys and Aegon, though he was still Jon to her. They were pointing at things she could not see…Tyrion entered and began talking to them all.
"Pardon me, my Lords, my Ladies. Might I trouble Lady Stark for a moment? I know you are discussing important plans, but it won't take long."
Sansa looked at her and smiled.
Tyrion nodded. "Come, Your Grace," he said to Daenerys. "Let's have supper. Will you join us, my Lord?"
Aegon looked at them. "I'll be in my chambers readying for the night's battle," and he turned.
"Please don't disperse on my account."
"Never mind, Ser Brienne. Lady Stark likely wants a break from all this."
Sansa smiled at him. "I'll be along shortly," she turned to Brienne. "Let's sit," and they walked over to the hearth.
She followed her and sat across.
"What's happened?" Sansa saw the look on her face. "What's wrong?"
"Oh, my Lady!" she was attempting to control herself without much success.
"Lady Brienne…please. Tell me what's wrong."
She nodded and folded her hands. "Something has happened, and I don't know what to do about it."
Sansa nodded.
"It concerns Ser Jaime."
She canted her head. "He loves you."
Brienne's eyes snapped to hers. "How do you know?"
"I'm afraid it's rather obvious," Sansa smiled.
"Is it? How could I not have seen?"
"Because you were too busy masking your own heart."
Brienne looked at her. "Does everyone know?" she felt mortified.
"No. Or, at least, no one is speaking of it. We've all got other things on our minds at present," Sansa smiled more covertly.
"What do I do?"
"Have you never loved?"
She shook her head.
"Well, neither have I. But if I ever did, I wouldn't sit and let it pass me by. Is a long life lived without love better than a short one lived with it? I don't know. But most people do not regret having loved."
"Well, Jaime has. He loved his sister."
"Yes. That is complicated. But it seems as though that is over, so why not move on?"
Brienne shook her head. "I don't know."
"Do you love him, yes or no?"
She nodded.
"Perhaps that is all that you need to know."
He had moved as best he could to his room, the one Lord Snow had given him just the day previous. It had been a kind gesture, and Jaime appreciated it. He would have been fine in the infirmary.
But Jon came and told him to gather his things, and he led him, slowly, down a passageway to a small room they had created for his privacy. It had a bed, candles, a table and chair. There was a very small window. Jon Snow had apologized, but all the bedrooms had been accounted for, so he had no hearth. He had suggested rooming with Tyrion, but Jaime appreciated the privacy his room afforded. He felt uncomfortable at Winterfell. Not unwelcome, but at unease.
He waited there, exercising his legs, bending his back. He was watching the sky, but it was impossible to tell the time from that window, so he finally just got up and went to the great room, with a surprising stride. It wasn't quite as quick as was normal for him, but nearly. And his pain was all but gone.
Jaime sat by the fire, staring at it.
Would she come? She had promised, so he assumed that she would.
He found himself contemplating his relationship with her as he sat there…from their travels through Westeros and the way in which he regarded her, to when he lost his hand. He glanced down at it.
Why had he done that? Had he even protected her…? He assumed she hadn't been raped, but his hand had forfeited all thoughts save that. And did he love her then?
No. He supposed it was more of a respect. A growing trust. A friendship.
It was in the baths at Harrenhall that he thought that the first seeds of love were planted. He told her his story. He trusted her with that knowledge. And that was how it began. Thereafter, he felt kin to her. A need to see her safe. A desire to know that she was alive in the world. That she was his better self.
Because she knew him, and she still seemed to like him. Even care about him.
And though they saw one another but little, those times always effected him, and he would think about her for days afterward.
But here, at Winterfell…seeing her. Indeed, coming here partly because he needed to see her…it was then that he fully realized what was happening. What had happened.
He loved her.
"Ser Jaime?"
He looked up. There she was.
He stood. "Ser Brienne." She appeared to be quite nervous. He dropped his gaze so that she might feel more at ease. "Do sit," he gestured to the chair next to him.
She did, and clasped her hands tightly together. She sat swallowing and staring at the fire.
He waited patiently for her to speak, for he had said all he needed to.
"Thank you for allowing me time," she began.
"It was nothing."
"I know that you are anxious for my answer, or at least, I believe that you are."
"Which answer is that?"
She looked at him. "Well, I suppose…what we are to do."
"Ah, yes," he nodded.
"Are you playing with me?" she furrowed her brow.
"Not at all. I just feel as though there are many answers to be given. But yes. The most pressing is surely what we should do now."
Brienne stood and went over to the fire. "All my life I've been mocked. It's very difficult to let that defensiveness go."
"Of course."
She nodded. "It seems impossible that the two things that I've wanted my entire life are being given to me. I had resigned myself to a life as a warrior, not a Knight. As a warrior, not a Lady. Not even a woman, really."
"You can be both, Brienne," Jaime stood. "No man relinquishes his manhood when he becomes a Knight," he walked over to her.
"No. But the world is very different to women."
"True. Though I've always been impressed with strong, capable women. Say what you will about Cersei, she is strong and capable," he turned to the fire. "Lady Stark appears to be both. How wrong I was about her," he smiled. "And you," he looked at her. "You may be the strongest, most capable of them all."
Brienne smiled, a genuine thing. "Thank you."
And he turned fully toward her. "I gave you Oathkeeper. It was all I could do. I trusted you with my honor. And now I'm trusting you with my heart."
She let out a staggering breath. "I love you," it was the first time she had said it.
His face fell, his eyes fixed on her…and he walked over to her. Jaime cupped her face with his hand, then traced her mouth with his thumb, examining it. "Have you ever been kissed, my Lady?"
"Not with tenderness, no."
"What a shame," he took his hand and placed it in a wrap around the back of her neck, then pulled her to him. And with as much care as he could muster, he took her lips in his, for his passion had been ignited, but he felt conflicted…he wanted her to know that he meant to be gentle, but that he desperately wanted her, too.
It was soft, and she was untrained. But her hands rested on his shoulders, and he moved closer…he deepened the kiss slightly, licking her bottom lip and opening her mouth a bit. "Relax, Brienne," he said into her mouth, he felt her tense. His hand went down her back…he pulled his face away and rested his forehead to hers. "You're nervous."
"I …"
"Sh…I'm just making an observation, and trying to work out how to set you at ease."
She pulled away a bit further. "This is very new to me, Jaime. I can't help my nerves."
"I understand," he looked at her. "Let's have a walk, hm? How long until the battle tonight?"
"Impossible to say, really. A few hours?"
"Perfect," he took her hand. "Come," he had never really wooed a lady before, but he was a romantic. Much more so than Cersei, and clearly more so than Brienne. Yet he thought that a woman in love with romance, at least a bit, lingered under that tunic she wore. She wanted a Knight to be gallant and love her.
He could be that for her.
They walked to the courtyard hand in hand, not saying much. "Where is your cloak?" he asked her.
"Oh…in my rooms."
"Shall I fetch it?"
"No. I'll get it. And yours," she left.
A moment later she returned and they put the cloaks on. "What do you say we watch the young warriors spar and offer them tips?" he smiled.
She laughed. "All right."
They went out and beheld the men…mostly in twos and threes, littered about the courtyard. Brienne was instantly captivated. "You there! Adjust your stance. It's creating poor balance!"
Jaime smiled.
They were all standing around the fire, about twelve men in all. No one had seen Podrick. Brienne's face had fallen. He was surely dead now.
Davos was there, warming his hands.
"There are fewer each night. And tomorrow I understand that many more troops are arriving from all over the country."
"Wonderful news," said Jaime.
Davos looked at him, then Brienne. "So. You're the Kingslayer."
"I was," he replied.
"And what changed your mind?"
"Sorry? Changed my mind?"
"Well. To be honorable."
Brienne looked at Davos. "Ser Davos, Ser Jaime has always had honor. While it's true he murdered King Aerys, perhaps it would behoove those who question his honor to ask why, instead of assuming they know the answer. It's not my place to tell his story, but I know it. And what he did may not have been honorable the way we think of it, but it was the right thing to do."
Jaime beamed at her. "It is not worth relating. Twenty years have gone by," he looked at Davos. "I've tried to be a good person. I've made plenty of mistakes, likely more than most. But I do not regret what I did, for I believe, with all my heart, that I saved the lives of every person in King's Landing that day."
"Fair enough," said Davos. He clapped his hands together. "We need music!" he called. "Enough dwelling in the doldrums of this winter waiting to die. We likely only need two dozen men tonight, for last evening we only had about a dozen dead. Let's make some merriment and wait for the sun's two hours of light."
And someone came with a Psaltery, and began to play. The others clapped along, and someone started to sing. Davos poured out wine…
Brienne took some wine and smiled as she watched the players.
Jaime glanced at her after sipping his own wine. He placed the cup on a stone. "Will you dance, my Lady?" he held his hand to her.
Her face fell somewhat, for memories came rushing back…"Here?"
"Here."
He took her hand in his and turned her round…and before she knew what was happening, they were dancing. And the company clapped and cheered…some of the infirmary nursemaids came out to dance with the solders.
Brienne began to laugh aloud, Jaime along with her. And he honestly couldn't remember just when he had laughed so hard.
The sun had already begun its descent, and the music slowed. Jaime stopped and guided her back inside, still grasping her hand. "Casterly Rock is a wonderful place, situated above cherry trees that blossom pink in the spring and bear fruit nearly the entire summer. There are brooks along the way…it stands tall in the meadows surrounding it. It sits high upon a precipice, and the waves crash against its walls, lulling you to sleep at night," he led her to an alcove, then pressed her against the wall. Jaime kissed her neck. "You would be my Lady there…and you would walk among the trees in high summer," he trailed kisses up her jawline. "And we would grow old together, by the sea…" he found her mouth and tasted the salt of her tears. He took his left hand, and rubbed his thumb across her cheek, wiping her tears away.
She answered his kiss, more fervently than before. And he was overcome, pressing himself against her, deepening the kiss quickly…he ran his hand down her side, pulling her closer. "Brienne…" he breathed. "Don't go tonight."
She pulled away. "I must."
"No… you must stay with me," he kissed her softly.
"I'll be back."
"And where will you go?"
Her face paled. "I …my room, I suppose."
"Might I join you there?"
She swallowed.
"Nothing will happen that you don't want to happen," he kissed her hand.
She nodded quickly. "I should go and prepare," she moved away and left him.
"As should I," he smiled.
AN: Yikes. I'm a wretched liar. Next chapter will definitely be the last. Thank you for reading!