Hi all, chapter two! Still have no idea what is going on but it seems to be heading on a journey. Disclaimer: I do not own the Hobbit.

Chapter 2: The Mushwoman

Jenny was having heart palpitations and was seriously close to wetting her mushroom skirt with something other than her damp skin as the skeletal figure that was Gollum approached her.

Did Gollum eat humans? She knew he threatened to eat Bilbo and she was not far off a hobbit. He most definitely ate goblins and fish but seriously… was she in danger of being eaten? Gollum certainly seemed to think so as evidenced by his disturbingly cheery eating song.

'Oooohh what a tasty little surprise hidden in my home,

Can I take a bite, mush the flesh and crunch the bone?

Oooh a tasty little treat hidden in my home'

Jenny hunched her shoulders and flattened herself up against the cavern wall. What the hell is happening to her? Was she actually dreaming? No, she'd never had a natural dream as vivid as this. Drugs?... possibly. She should have known such a wonderful morning never would happen on a Wednesday. Hell, having a morning off was way too good to be true. No, she was obviously seriously psychotic. She'll check her in a facility as soon at the hallucinogens wore off. First off though she didn't fancy living through being eaten by a character from a book so perhaps she could play this out? Well, what else could she possibly do?

'Oh, I'm not for eating,' she called out stepping out of the cluster of glowing mushrooms she had been hiding in. It seemed to pull Gollum up short.

'What is this? Not an icky goblin, too tall and rosy. But what is it? A talking mushroom?' Gollum croaked.

There was a long, silent pause where he appeared to try and puzzle out what she exactly was but couldn't quite work it out. To his credit, she didn't think she could have been mistaken for a human at this time as not only was she completely out of place for a goblin cave but also wet, shivering and wearing a ridiculous mushroom as an outfit. She didn't think Middle Earth had a cave-dwelling mushroom-humans before so it wasn't a stretch to assume he wouldn't try and eat something he didn't know. Using that mentality as a baseline she decided just to go for it.

'Staring is rude. You need better manners,' she informed him casually as the pause stretched into the minutes.

He startled.

'Manners?'

'Yes, manners. Haven't you seen a lady mushroom before?' Jenny gave him a dubious look, 'surely you must have. Are you perhaps joking? I'm sorry but I don't get mammal humour.'

Gollum appeared to having some sort of contortion of his face. His confusion was apparent.

'Lady mushrooms? Mammal? What is it going on about precious?'

'Mammal. It's what you are. Red blooded and warm… I assume?'

'…and you's are a lady mushroom?'

'A Mushwoman in fact,' Jenny stated proudly.

'Bleergh! What a nasty treat! We don't like the shiny mushrooms no we don't! Horrible and ashy in our mouths. No we do not like Mushladies either, not one bit.'

'What a goddamn relief,' thought Jenny, 'Now to keep up the charade.'

'How terribly rude of you. Mushwomen are not for eating. We are for sowing. How else do you get more mushrooms?' She stated as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

'Sewing with needles or sowing with seeds?' Gollum asked curiously.

This time it was Jenny's turn to come up short. Her estimation of Gollum's intelligence just went way up. Suddenly she felt a lot more nervous.

'Sowing with seeds of course. What has a mushroom need for clothes?' Jenny laughed nervously and fought not to adjust her makeshift outfit. She was pretty sure the upper half of the mushroom was slipping and a nipple was peeking through.

'We didn't know mushrooms had seeds precious? We just thought they popped out of the ground like daisys.'

She was about to correct him but his comment was swiftly followed by his own hacking chastisement, 'Daisys have seeds you fool -gollum.'

Feeling a little more wary she tried to make sense of her lie.

'Well you're correct in a way but mushrooms don't have seeds like daisy's do. That's why I'm here. You need a lady mushroom to help have more mushrooms.'

'There are lots of mushrooms here precious and no mushlady. We thinks you are lying,' Gollum rasped getting suspicious. She began to panic.

'Maybe you just didn't see her? Most of us are awfully shy.'

Gollum scowled.

'Make a mushroom then mushlady.'

'Mushwoman,' she corrected primly, 'and that would be impossible.'

'Liar! We hates liars!'

'I'm not lying. It's just I can't at the moment.'

'Whys then?! No more lies!'

'Why? Um… Ah! Why I need a Mushman of course!'

'A Mushman!?'

'Yes, a Mushman. After all every mushroom needs a Mushmother and a Mushfather to be a fully adjusted… mushroom.'

She was slowly dying inside. What on earth was she even saying?

'But I don't thinks there is any Mushman in here no we don'ts precious.'

'Oh dear… Well, I guess I'll have to leave to find some. Mushrooms don't make themselves after all.'

Gollum puzzled over this but couldn't find any flaw with that logic. Deciding that this was a good as exit strategy as any Jenny decided to move the conversation along.

'Well its settled then. If you can just lead me to the exit of this cave I can go on my life journey to find a Mushman, settle down and raise a few Mushchildren.'

'I don't think I like Mushlady,' he muttered and crouched down to pick at the fishbones discarded on the gritty soil, 'Too much talking, not enough sense.'

'I think you'll find that most males are of a much similar opinion. But that cant be helped. The exit if you would please?' Jenny asked courteously.

'If we haves to. We'll go ups and ups and outs and outs,' Gollum tittered, 'But at a price –gollum.'

'A price? What could a Mushroom offer you?'

That seemed to stump him.

'What do we wants precious? A gift? A present? We already haves one. Why another? What can it give us?'

'Umm… Mushwomen don't carry much I'm afraid,' she replied hesitantly.

'Mushladies in their mushroom dresses always hide something.'

Jenny was positive he'd never met a Mushlady before so he must have made that ditty up on the spot. It reminded her though his fondness for riddles. It was terrible that she was awful at riddles but maybe he wouldn't oppose to a poem or a song? Something clever…

'I'm not sure about hiding anything but I can offer to compose you a song? Mushwomen songs are quite legendary after all.'

'Really? Never heard of it.'

'How odd? How long have you been down here? Almost everyone knows,' Jenny said blithely quite comfortable in her knowledge that Gollum had been down here for centuries. At least she was pretty sure… she wasn't exactly sure where and when she was in the storyline. There was around a 500 year gap between the ring becoming missing and Bilbo finding the ring so… well. She actually had no idea.

Gollum hissed at her.

'Not very nice. Sing a song? We don't want that!'

'Well I can't very well do anything else,' Jenny replied huffing.

Suddenly though Gollum leapt forward startling her. His bony fingers grabbed her wrist and yanked her down. She shrieked and then stilled at large watery green eyes stared into her own. His eyes wandered slowly down and in doing so his eyes impossibly widened more.

'It's a girl!' he suddenly cried out releasing her.

Jenny yanked back her wrist and rubbed it absently as she skittered back a few steps.

'What?'

'You's are a girl mushroom!'

'Umm… yes?'

Gollum shrieked terribly and it was making her extremely nervous. He darted away and hid behind a rock only half his size. Jenny stood awkwardly where she was in front of a clump of glowing mushrooms and tried to pretend that everything was perfectly normal.

'Goes away!' he cried out.

'Ok! Umm… tell me which way to go and I will!' she called back.

'Ups and ups and outs and outs!'

'What!?'

'UPS AND UPS AND OUTS AND OUTS!'

'Good grief…' Jenny muttered and stalked over to the rock, 'Just lead me out and I'll go.'

Gollum didn't take to kindly to her moving and he peeked up at her only the shut his eyes immediately and then slap both hands over his eyes.

'Why is it here!' he wailed.

'Stop being a child and just help me!'

'Help! We'll helps! Hurry!'

Gollum skittered off again and this time Jenny followed. He rushed over to the broken body of the goblin he had dragged in and proceeded to strip him.

'What on earth are you doing?'

'Helping. Need to help,' he replied.

Confused Jenny let him strip away the clothes of the goblin then to her surprise he turned and threw them at her.

'Fix you up. Helping. Please!'

With that he swiftly turned around and rubbed at his eyes muttering, 'Indecent. Not a lady a girl!'

Confused Jenny looked down at the torn rags he'd thrown at her. She then looked down at herself and finally understood.

'Good lord!' she cried out. She had been accidentally flashing him.

Quickly adjusting the mushroom she lent down and picked up the rag he had thrown at her. Deciding that she would prioritise her lower half she made a loose sarong with the rags and was able to lift the mushroom higher up her chest giving a little more modesty.

'Not that it matters much now,' she muttered.

'Is it hidden? Is it gone?' Gollum asked hopefully.

'Well I'm still here if that's what you wanted to know,' Jenny answered morosely.

Gollum peeked around and drew out a relieved breath.

'It's gone. Not a lady at all!'

'Now can I go? Ups and ups and outs and outs?' Jenny pleaded.

'Yes, ups and ups and outs and outs.'

'Ok, show me the way.'

It was almost better back in the cave.

The wind was chilly and bit deeply into her skin where it was exposed. She had thought she had reached the pinnacle of her cold tolerance back in the cave but it seemed she had new heights to go.

'It's cold,' she said redundantly.

Gollum didn't react at all to the comment so she turned to ask him if he had any more clothes but he had disappeared. Well, its not like he hadn't been quite clear on his stance of her in his cave. In amongst his mutterings as he led her up and out of the cave she clearly heard him say 'good riddance' amongst less than savoury comment on her decency.

She was glad to be out of the cave but she would be dying of hyperthermia if she didn't warm up. What made matters than much worse is that her long hair hadn't quite dried so when the wind blew more than a smidgeon it would brush against her back and send chills down her spine.

'Well… I suppose I start walking?' she supposed and stepped out into the soft sunlight.

xo