Hi all, inspiration has struck again. Ends up this story is getting more meaty and I even had to look up a map of middle earth to get my bearings. For LOTR major fans take note that its the East-West Road she comes across. But no more chapter spoilers! Disclaimer: I do not own the Hobbit or anything about it.

Chapter 3: Of Dwarrows and Men

Fortunately for Jenny it seemed she had emerged from the mountains during the early morning and while the chill in the wind remained brisk the sun was pleasantly warming. What was not so fortunate is that her apparent lack of shoes did not correspond well with the sharp rocks and prickly bushes in her path. So her feet were bruised and bleeding before she had even entered the tree line as she crossed the ravine the led to the entrance of the tunnel she had crawled out of.

It was the bark of a skinny looking tree that gave her pause and she began stripping off decent sized pieces. It might have taken less than the hour she did take if she had not been so pedantic about the 'right' sized piece of bark before she was satisfied. When she had two 'acceptable' sized pieces she sacrificed some more of her already scandalous sarong to make some strips of linen. With that she wrapped both her feet in the bark and linen combination till it was secure.

'I'm a genius!' she cawed triumphantly and she took her first couple of steps in her new shoes. Not great but definitely an improvement.

It took another hour or so for her to stumble across a path of some sort. It was hardly more than a goat trail but the signs of hacked off branches on the sides of the path encouraged her that it was perhaps a well-used one. She began to walk down the path after discerning that yes she was in fact not walking back towards the mountains and possibly heading east.

She was a little hungry though and took to picking off pieces of her mushroom top to sate her hunger. True a little dry but despite what Gollum said the flavour was actually quite nice. If she also was starting to see everything in a shade of blue? Well at least her stomach was a little fuller.

Munching and walking set the beat for her time on the trail and it wasn't until the scent of something rancid reached her nose that she paused in her trek. She almost threw up all the mushroom she had consumed when she spotted the remains of what appeared to be a goblin judging from the size and hopefully not a hobbit. He had a curved sword stuck in his... her? chest and looked quite the grizzly picture.

Jenny looked around a little nervously. Had she been walking along a goblin trail the whole time?

She pondered the implications of this knowledge and mused over the body. True at first glance the goblin was pretty horrific looking but now that she looked closer it might have died rather comically it seemed as it was doing the splits. The ragged clothes it was wearing also gave her pause but she decided she wasn't worth it apparently making the distinction that freshly killed goblin clothes were the only acceptable clothes to loot and certainly not days, possibly weeks, old goblin. She had standards after all.

She took the sword though and wiped it off on the dead goblin and ducked into the nearby bushes. She was still going to follow the trail but just to be on the safe side she was going to at a distance where it was less likely to be spotted by nasties that she couldn't beat. Her new sword made her feel better but it most definitely was a placebo as she had no idea how to use it.

She followed the path and soon it ran perpendicular to what seemed to be a road. The road was large enough that a wagon could be pulled through and seemed to be well used judging by the amount of wheel ruts.

She still wasn't keen on walking on it after the episode with the goblin so again travelled along side of it in the direction that had the least amount of mountains in the distance. She was getting rather thirsty and the mushroom bodice was getting rather scanty so she had to stop munching.

It was later in the afternoon when she finally decided she had to stop or she would pass out. The sun had fallen and that little creek she had passed on the way hardly had quenched her thirst.

She sat against a tree and noted that the sun was touching the mountains in what had to be west.

At least she was heading in the right direction, she thought.

It was then that there was a rumble on the road. The groaning of wood, the chink of armour and the burr of manly voices chatting amongst themselves. She peeked out and along the road there appeared to be a caravan of men… scratch that… dwarves!'

She was stunned for a good while as the stout figures gradually became closer and she took in the boxy armour and the huge weaponry they held.

They're rather ominous for such small beings, she mused. She ducked back into the bushes still deciding on whether she'd make an appearance to them.

Were dwarves generally good guys or bad guys? She thought generally good but she was hesitant to blanket an entire species as 'good' and so she thought she'd just watch to get a feel for them.

Jenny crept along as quietly as she could and made sure to remain ahead of the dwarves so they wouldn't hear her.

It was unfortunate for her that she was not the only one stalking this caravan.

She thought she had been doing pretty all right until she almost ran into someone. It was only through sheer luck she fell sideways behind a tree in surprise that when the man turned he failed to see anyone.

'Alrighty boys, on my signal we spook the horses and attack from all sides,' the apparent leader of the bandits whispered and got some affirmative grunts in reply.

'Three, two, one. Go, go, go!'

Then there was havoc. She couldn't see the true measure of it but she got the idea as men poured out over the bushes and began attacking the caravan. She could hear the ring of metal and the occasional cry of pain resounding through the forest as she cowered behind her tree. She would have run but her legs didn't seem to be working right.

The dusk was also truly turning into evening now as the shadows of the trees deepened hiding her more completely. Grasping her sword like a lifeline she darted her eyes around ready for anything to pop out but hoping it wouldn't.

Jenny was just a stressed ball of nerves and soon she couldn't hear much over the beating of her heart. It was either that or the skirmish seemed to be winding down. Gathering up all the bravado she had she decided to crawl closer to the road to peek through the bushes.

It seemed the dwarves had lost seeing the amount of them down and that the men were ferreting around in the back of the caravan.

'Awww… they're tinkers,' one of the men called disappointed, 'All broken junk. Aren't dwarves meant to hoard treasure?'

'Ye be thinking of dragons man-child' one of the felled dwarves spat.

'Ah… you'd know a lot about dragons wouldn't you dwarf,' the man retorted spitefully and that got a couple more men sniggering.

'We're blue mountain dwarrow you idiot!' another one of the dwarves with a squeaky voice called out. Jenny suspected he wasn't as old as he looked.

It looked like the man was going to respond once more but a faint thundering was heard. A storm? Jenny peeked up at the starlit sky and noted the lack of clouds. No, but the thundering was getting louder.

'Grab what you can men!' the bandit leader called and they scrambled for trinkets and attempted to get the hell out of dodge.

'It's too late for that,' a voice called from up the road where a man rode on a horse in the opposite direction of where the thundering was coming from, 'We have you surrounded.'

'Friend or foe?' the first dwarf called from where he hand stood up holding his side pained.

'Always a friend to those in need dwarf. I am Haglen of Tharbad. Let us assist you,' Haglen called and then issued his men, 'Capture them!'

The bandits put up a pitiful fight after that and soon they were all shackled and tied to the wagon they had tried to steal from.

Haglen jumped from his horse once the dust had settled and went up to the dwarves who were staring at him suspiciously.

'What do you want?' one asked.

'Peace now friends. We wished only to assist in capturing your would be burglars and we have triumphed. Well, almost,' he corrected suddenly, 'Grab the one that is in the bushes.'

Jenny froze at his order and attempted to back up and haul ass but an arm grabbed hers.

'Lemmego!' she bumbled trying to shake the hand off and she tried hitting him with her sword but accidently dropped it.

'What's this then? A vagabond?' Haglen mused noting her mushroom shirt and goblin rag sarong. A low whistle came from the group of tied up bandits.

'Looking good there sweetie,' a dark haired bandit called cheekily. Jenny gave the man an affronted look and received a saucy wink in reply. Unfortunately it gave the impression that the man knew her.

'You know her?' Haglen asked the bandit curiously.

The bandit gave her the side eye and a smirk.

'Oh sure? She's the wife. Why don't you tie her up next to me? I'll keep her tame,' he sniggered.

With that condemnation Haglen indicated to one of his men.

'Tie her.'

'You bastard!' Jenny hissed at the bandit then turned her attention to Haglen, 'No! They're lying. I swear I'm not a bandit and certainly not his wife!'

'Don't say that buttercup,' the bandit snickered.

'Shut it you! Don't you drag me down with you.'

'Silence,' Haglen demanded them both. He then turned to Jenny and asked seriously, 'Defend yourself then. Who are you?'

She drew a complete blank. What on earth could she say? She was from another world. No way! But, there was one thing she could try. It worked the first time after all. Two times the charm?

'…a Mushwoman?'

Haglen gave her a disgusted look.

'Tie her up. Oh, and keep an eye on her. There is something wrong with her.'

'Well, shit…' she said bluntly as the other man approached her with a greasy rope.

She had no idea if she could weird her way out of this one.

The men actually didn't seem the bad sort as they gave her so more decent clothes and some food. In fact they awfully seemed like the good sort with all this rescuing the under trod and terrorised. It was really poor fortune that she was considered one of the bad guys.

The dwarves had accepted the guidance of the men with grudging submission when the men offered them passage to Bree. At first Jenny was ecstatic as she recognised the name of the town and it seemed she was heading in the right way to the Shire despite her chains. In her happiness she took to chatting with the dwarves that chose to guard the wagon she was tied to. They didn't really appreciate it.

'I mean I didn't really grow up dreaming to be a hairdresser. I just kind of fell into it? I needed money after school and an apprenticeship with a friend came up. I mean it was easy?' she nattered to the dwarf next to her.

'Hairdresser?' the dwarf had asked curious despite himself as there was a fair bit of mystery around this wild bandit woman.

'Yes, I suppose you'd have a different name for it here perhaps,' Jenny mused, 'It's my job to give people a bit of a trim when they need it that's all.'

'A trim? What are you slicing?' the dwarf asked with trepidation.

'Hair of course.'

'Aulë help us.' The dwarf asked horrified and took a couple of steps away, 'You chop off peoples hair?'

'Only if asked,' she clarified, 'I do other stuff too, I do leg and arm waxing, triple X even! foils, I also do an excellent job of dyeing-'

'-Enough boasting of your vile deeds,' the dwarf growled tightly gripping his axe.

Jenny was quite affronted.

'Well, you don't have to be so rude. And it's hardly vile. I mean a triple X can get rather nasty at times but man some of those bushes need to be tamed.'

'Silence witch!'

Jenny bit her lip to hold back more nervous chatter but she wanted to make amends to this dwarf.

'I could show you if you'd like?' she offered nicely.

All she got though was a threat on her life and a change of guard. This time it was a man as none of the dwarves would go near her.

'Be careful with the girl,' one of the dwarves said to her new jailer as she was transferred over, 'she's deranged.'

She just glared at the ground and tried not to let it get to her. Why did everyone think she was crazy?

After that she felt less excited about her journey and was less hopeful that she could convince someone that she wasn't actually a criminal.

With any goodwill she might have had from the dwarves gone and the men treating her like she was a nutcase she was rather bored. She didn't like talking to the bandits either as one of the bandits still called her wifey the others asked her for tips on how to annoy the dwarves in seeing her success.

'I don't know why they're upset. I mean what is a little trim? Surely they don't need that length. It's not like their using it. They're just letting it hang there,' she said to the man guarding her as she motioned to the dwarves long hair. The man took it another way though it seemed.

'You are crazy,' said the man cupping his privates protectively.

Jenny sighed. She was going to be locked up forever at this rate.

At least she was heading in the right direction though.

xx