The Reason

Author's notes: I have depression. I know what it's like waking up in the morning and being "fuck it" then lying in bed all day in this half-sleep, half-wakefulness state staring at the inside of your eyelids or a wall. You don't care about how you look, food doesn't interest you, and you want to stop existing.

Neji's depression is not manic, clinical, or seasonal. His is defined as "persistent mild depression." You can look up dysthymia and see exactly where I got Neji's symptoms from. You can also look up the symptoms for rapid weight loss and will notice a person feels cold when it's hot out, they tend to sweat a lot even if they feel cold, their stomach rejects food, and generally exactly what happens to Neji. I try to do my research even for free-writing stuff. ;)

Why is Neji being so dramatic? Go back and read my notes at the end of the last chapter. ;)

Rated M for sexy times, swearing, drinking, and gore.

Don't own. Borrowing. You know the drill.

Neji ignored the sick feeling in his stomach as Kuma came at him with one of her trademark kicks. Two days had passed since the dinner with Sasuke and the bastard would be coming by today with Sakura to pick up Tora. Neji swallowed down bile, deflected Kuma's kick and tossed her away. As predicated she landed on her hands then came at him with another kick.

Neji dodged and called for a stop. He sent Kuma to spar with Akino then took over with Tora. Neji disregarded the spinning sensation in his head as he tossed Tora over his shoulder. She landed but stumbled, taking a moment to catch her breath before coming back at him. Neji did not mind. It gave him a minute to take a breath to keep the bile down.

Kankuro still had not replied. Two weeks and three days but nothing. Neji did not know how long he should be giving the puppet master but did not want to ask anyone for advice. Sakura and Hinata-sama would say as long as it took. Ino likely had no clue. No one they knew would have a clue, really, and Neji did not feel like talking about it.

He flung Tora by her fist this time and she landed on her side with a yelp. Neji let out a breath and stood in his spot while she gathered herself up and wiped away tears. Neji frowned and ran a hand through his hair. Gods it was cool out and yet he was soaked with sweat.

"Are you all right?" Neji asked.

Tora nodded, let out a breath, and charged. Neji easily caught her kick and flung her to a side. She came up on her feet and he smiled at her. They continued for an hour, Neji calling a break for lunch. They walked towards the poles and Neji blinked away the dizziness trying to take over his vision.

Neji scowled when he spotted black and pink at the poles but went to them anyway. Sakura carried an immense picnic basket with a checkered towel over it. She was waving, shouting something, and grinning. Sasuke carried a smaller basket and had a frown on his face. Neji took a breath and let it out slowly. For some reason the two were tilted. Huh.

"Neji? Can you hear me?"

Neji blinked and saw blue sky, white clouds, and Sakura's worried face in front of his. Neji tried to sit up but she kept him down. Neji opened his mouth to speak and she gave him a bottle of water. She helped him lean upwards and he drank. When he was done he licked his lips.

"What happened?" Neji asked.

"You fainted," Sasuke said.

Kuma, Tora, and Akino stood off to one side. Kuma wiped tears from her eyes. Tora's lower lip trembled and she kept fiddling with her shirt. Akino had his eyebrows furrowed and his fists were trembling.

"I fainted?" Neji enquired.

"Yeah," Sakura confirmed. "And you've lost a lot of weight, at least ten pounds. You haven't been eating properly, have you?"

Neji opened his mouth to protest but closed it. He frowned. Sakura sighed at him and helped him sit up.

"Don't try to lie, Tora's been telling me you've been eating less and less for the past two weeks," Sakura said.

"Sorry Neji-sensei but I was worried," Tora said with a whimper.

"And I told her you ate next to nothing the other night," Sasuke said.

Neji tried to feel angry but the feeling didn't come. Instead he sighed and rubbed his aching forehead.

"Hinata and Hanabi both say you're not eating at the compound either," Sakura said.

Neji gritted his teeth. He let out a breath and smacked Sakura's hand away. She did not chide him in it.

"I'm sorry if I feel like shit because of some asshole who won't write me back," Neji said with a growl.

Sakura sighed at him. He huffed at her. She pulled him to his feet and supported him when he almost tipped over.

"I'm checking you into the hospital," Sakura said.

Neji tried to pull away but she had a damned good grip on his waist and arm. He tried to dig his heels in to stop her from moving forward but she was too strong. Neji gave up and let her drag him towards the village. Kuma, Tora, and Akino followed. Sasuke carried the big basket while Akino carried the smaller one.

"What for?" Neji asked.

"Malnourishment," Sakura said.

Neji scowled. She glared at him and Neji understood how Sakura could be intimidating.

"Eating next to nothing and following your training regime is deadly, Neji. If we don't get you back on track you might seriously hurt yourself," Sakura said.

Neji gritted his teeth but said nothing. She stopped supporting his body but kept a hand on his bicep as she led him through the village. Neji didn't bother paying attention to the check in process. He did strip and change into hospital issue pants and a shirt when Sakura told him to. She stuck him with an IV and hooked up monitors. Neji marvelled at the fact he could see his hip bones.

Sakura was right. This had gotten serious. Even so, when Sakura came back with a high starch lunch, his stomach jolted and bile rose in his throat. Neji sighed and she sat by his bed with a scowl on her face.

"My stomach feels likes it's a giant knot full of cement," Neji said.

Sakura sighed. He tried a bite but it did not go down easy. Neji kept going until his stomach heaved. Sakura barely got the bucket to him before he threw up. She tsked as Neji regurgitated everything he had finished. He wiped his mouth with tissue when he was done and tossed it into the bucket with a scowl.

"I'm not intentionally doing it. I feel physically ill," Neji said.

"Depression can do that to you," Sakura said.

Neji sighed and leaned back in his bed. He closed his eyes to stop the tears but it didn't help. Sakura held his shoulder while he cried. She left the rest of the food within easy reach but left the room once he stopped crying. Damn Kankuro.

Normally being in the hospital was boring and made him pissy. This time all he did was sleep in his darkened room. He did not want to get out of bed. The thought of bathing tired him. The fact he was expected to eat made him sigh and pick at what he was given. Neji whined when a nurse opened the blinds. He took the pain meds he was offered for the headaches because they kept him drowsy and let him sleep deeply.

His dreams were odd. He kept seeing Kankuro, the desert, Gaara, and his students but in strange ways. Gaara would be attacking Konoha, laughing like a maniac as he did. Kankuro was dating Tenten of all people and in one dream they had four kids. Kuma was the med-nin, Tora the power house, and Akino the speed. In one dream Tora had Kuma's hair.

He dreamt Sakura getting the glass out of his eye had not gone well and his eye had to be removed. He saw himself activating the Red-Eyed Byakugan but it going horribly wrong and he had not been able to control his new genjutsu powers. He put everyone into an eternal sleep and had no idea how to get them all out.

This dream was the worst and made him wake up in a cold sweat, muffling a scream with his pillow or arm. The entire village would be full of sleeping, smiling people living out their best dreams and he would be running from one to the other, trying desperately to wake them up but they would remain asleep.

Neji sighed but kept his eyes closed. He lay on his side in the hospital bed, facing the wall with his back towards the door. Someone had brought Sakura's bear and he held it against his chest as he wavered in the state between sleep and wakefulness. He heard his door open and someone come in, no, two people with heels on their shoes.

"He hasn't moved from bed in two days,"

He knew this voice. Sakura. Two days. It was Thursday. In three more days it would be three weeks since he had sent the bouquet and his heart to Kankuro and gotten no response. Neji pressed his face against the bear so it would soak up the tears.

"And he hasn't eaten?"

Tsunade-sama. Odd she would get involved. She was the Hokage though and Neji was a jonin with a team. Neji idly wondered who was taking care of his students but had an idea. Tenten and Lee wouldn't let him down.

"He's picked at food but not nearly enough to get any weight back on his body. He's lost twelve pounds since his last physical, one pound since being checked in," Sakura said.

Tsunade-sama tsked. Neji could not bring himself to tell the two women he was awake. He heard Tsunade-sama take the chart from the end of Neji's bed and look through it.

"He's taking a lot of pain meds," Tsunade-sama mentioned.

"He's getting migraine headaches and has extreme light sensitivity," Sakura said.

Tsunade-sama sighed. She kept flipping through the charts.

"But there's nothing physically wrong with him except the phantom pain?" Tsunade-sama asked.

He would give her phantom pain. He knew his body and pain was pain. His head constantly hurt and the light bothered his eyes. His stomach was stone and his heart felt like it was being constricted in a vice. Neji nuzzled the bear and let out a little breath.

"He's got dysthymia: sadness, change in weight, excessive sleep, loss of energy, loss of interest in everyday activities, and he can't concentrate," Sakura said.

He heard Tsunade-sama huff. Neji winced when she opened the curtains. He pulled the blankets over his head with a whine as she strode up to the side of his bed. She took the blankets from him and he cracked his eyes open part way to look up at her with a frown. She had her arms crossed under her bust and a little scowl on her face.

"Neji, I know you're stronger than this," Tsunade-sama said. "God the Hell you went through in your clan would have made a weaker person cower but not you. Yeah, it hurts he hasn't responded but you know what's worse? Doing this. Lying there in bed letting your team down and making all your friends worry. Don't you want to keep training Kuma, Akino, and Tora? Don't you want to be the one to bring them to their chunin exams? Don't you want to be the one they hug when they pass? Don't you want to recommend them to be jonin?"

Neji blinked. His students. His students. He couldn't let anyone else train them, not for long anyway. No one else would know Kuma needed to be constantly moving or she'd get restless. If she didn't get reassurance she would pout and stop kicking as hard. If she didn't get a challenge she would get bored and begin to do her own thing which was normally harmful.

No one knew Akino was actually intensely hard working and shy of his height. He needed to be told he could strike out in full at things and he needed a routine to follow or he would get confused. He liked structure and having a set plan made him succeed.

Tora, oh Tora, she needed to be trained with a gentle hand. She needed to be reminded she was the brains of the group. She needed constant looking after or she would get upset and forget her role in the team. She was the most sensitive of all of them. No one would understand his team like he did. He couldn't keep letting them down.

Neji sat up and rubbed his tired eyes. Tsunade-sama rubbed his back and Neji frowned. She patted the top of his head then nodded to Sakura before walking out. Sakura snorted at her then sat at the edge of Neji's bed.

"Hungry?" Sakura asked.

Neji thought about it.

"Not really but I have to eat," Neji said.

God he sounded like shit. Sakura nodded to him and offered a tray of food. Neji ate but did not notice the taste or texture of any of it. He wasn't even fully sure what he was putting in his stomach. He did finish the tray and Sakura patted his shoulder when he was done.

"Why don't you get out of bed and go to the physical therapy room, hm?" Sakura suggested.

Neji inclined his head in the positive. He detoured to the bathroom first and winced at his tangled hair and greasy face. Neji washed his face and brushed his hair before tying it back into a simple pony tail. Neji followed Sakura to the physical therapy room and did a bit of cardio and some strength exercises.

They wore him out much quicker than he thought and Neji frowned. Sakura praised him and he went back into bed, sitting up in it and fiddling with the bear. Sakura gave him a book from his nightstand he hadn't noticed and Neji nodded to her as she walked off. He had to get better for his team.

Neji strode onto field twenty-seven on July 2nd at a few minutes before nine on a bright Sunday. He tried not to think about how it was three weeks since he had sent the message to Kankuro and inhaled the warm summer air. He wore his traditional attire: all black, mesh shirt, arm wraps, gloves, bandana, and now nail polish. His long hair was clean, brushed and fluttered around buttocks.

He smiled when he saw his students on the field. Kuma kicked the right pole, Tora using the left for aiming practice. Akino did his speed drills off to one side. Neji approached the three and stood a dozen feet from the poles, chakra repressed, and merely watching.

Kuma noticed him first because she spun to do a kick and spotted him. She gaped, hovering on the toes of her left foot then bounded towards him with a happy scream. Tora missed the pole completely in her haste to get the senbon out of her hand. Akino face planted but got up and came running.

Neji caught Kuma and she hugged him hard around the neck, talking without taking a breath in his ear, her flame colored hair tickling his face and neck. Tora wrapped her arms around his waist and buried her head into Kuma's back to get close. Akino was at his side, wrapping him and both his female teammates in strong arms. Neji grinned.

"Don't ever leave us again," Kuma said.

"I'll try," Neji told her.

They broke away, slowly, but Neji didn't mind. Kuma gave him a final squeeze before dropping to her feet and punching him in the chest. Neji blinked down at her and she pouted.

"That's twice in a month, Neji-sensei," Kuma protested.

He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. She was right. He had left them for a week to sort out his emotions then gone into the hospital two weeks later. He had to stop doing that.

"I'm sorry and it won't happen again," Neji said.

Kuma nodded then hugged him again. Neji rested a hand on her back and smirked. Tora and Akino looked relieved. Neji ruffled Akino's hair and he smirked. Tora grinned when he rested a hand on her shoulder after ruffling Akino's hair.

"All right, let's run some laps," Neji said.

Kuma nodded happily and bounded away. He quickly caught up to her and they set the pace. After an hour of running they did yoga then their individual drills. Neji ate his entire bento box under his students' watchful eyes and they took half an hour for meditation before Neji began sparring with Tora.

She kept landing badly but she was getting better. She did not whine so much when she took a fall but put a determined scowl on her face before getting to her feet and trying again. Akino and Kuma were destroying the field a little ways off but Neji paid half-attention. They wouldn't kill each other.

He called a stop after an hour mainly because Akino and Kuma were running out of field to destroy; Tora's arm was bleeding and his body needed to sit down. They gathered at the poles, Akino laying on his back spread eagled, Kuma flopping onto her butt with her legs spread out in front of her and her hands supporting her upper body, and Tora in lotus position.

Tora began cleaning up her blood and Neji let out a long breath. Damn he was tired and they hadn't even done a full work out. Stupid Kankuro and making him feel like shit.

"Neji-sensei," Tora said.

Neji inclined his head to her and raised an eyebrow in question. She flushed as she wrapped up her wound. Neji shifted to help her which made her flush a bit harder.

"Um, it's your birthday tomorrow," Tora said.

"It is?" Kuma asked with a yell.

"Annoying," Akino muttered.

Neji chuckled.

"It is. What of it, Tora?" Neji questioned.

He tied off the gauze and she nodded at him in thanks. He noticed the little scrapes and bruises all over both her arms. If he didn't know for a fact Sakura trained her he would think someone in Tora's family was hitting her.

"Um, what do you want for it?" Tora asked.

She nibbled on her lip and fiddling with her tee-shirt. She wouldn't meet his eyes and the blush stayed on her cheeks. The only motion she made was to adjust her glasses. Neji saw Kuma frown, eyebrows knotting together in thought. Akino sat up with a scowl.

Neji wanted one thing for his birthday but his students could not get it for him. Kankuro was all the way in Suna and besides, Neji was not sure if he would kick the man's ass or kiss him when he saw him next.

"I am not one for material objects," Neji said.

Tora blinked at him and pouted. Kuma fidgeted. Akino muttered his word. Neji shrugged.

"Unless they are useful in some way. Let's call it a day. I'm not suggesting you spend the afternoon thinking up anything for me tomorrow but if you happen to use your time for such, it's not my business. To be honest I've never paid much attention to my birthday before," Neji said.

He did get gifts from his teammates and family. After Naruto found out about Neji's birthday, the Konoha 11 got together to have cake and a party at someone's house. Neji had no idea what the plan was this year and didn't care.

He did notice his students looked thoughtfully at him before nodding. They gathered their belongings, thanked him and hugged him, then took off while promising to see him at the regular time tomorrow. Neji watched them go with a smile on his face.

When they were gone he leaned against the pole and closed his eyes. The warm breeze tickled over his skin and made the longer bangs flit across his face. Neji relaxed his arms against his knees and concentrated on his breathing. Perhaps tomorrow would not be so bad.

Reviews welcome, next chapter is about Neji's birthday. :D