Date: 07/01/18

Weather: mostly sunny, a rainy Saturday..

Mood: Scared. Scarred both physically and mentally. Alone.

Dear diary.

I'm going to be straight with you. I'm still scared from what happened yesterday. Just the thought makes my eyes tear up, make my mangled hands shake, and my throat is sore from all the screaming I did.. The two months I've been here I've seen some terrifying stuff, but this is the first time I've actually encountered it first hand and had to deal with it personally.. yesterday I've decided to make my first trip to the Human village. The weather was cloudy, so it was nice and cool for a walk. As soon as I finished looking after Flandre I packed some essentials for the trip extra layers of clothes for the weather change, light snacks and a bottle of water. At first I wanted to just fly at a meandering pace to the village but decided not to. Walking is good for my health after all right? By the time I walked around the lake and walked towards the Forest path that lead to the village the rain started to come down a fair amount. I wasn't getting too wet thanks to the trees and it was rather comforting to hear the sound of rain splashing and dripping down the trees. Then, it happened. My first encounter with a wild Youkai.

I've always thought my first encounter with a "monster" was going to be like something out of a movie or a video game. A quirky encounter with witty exchange of dialogue before a safe and scripted combat. Or even a exciting encounter where I would be ready to defeat the scary monster with minimal struggle. My first encounter was more pure, primal and straight to the point. The Youkai that I had to fight... And kill... was a feral Youkai I could tell because it wasn't even trying to converse with me, I guess it couldn't. I think it snuck up behind me under the cover of rain and if it didn't miss its claws and hit the trees I would have been dead. The thing looked like a mix of a brown bear and a wolf with a grey pelt.. of some sort. Standing on its hind legs baring and fangs and claws wild eyes set on me, swinging away like a wild animal blood curdling screams mixed in between it all. It looked hungry, desperate, and I was its next meal.

Something clicked when the diplomatic negotiation didn't work. It felt like my body was screaming "if I don't do something I will actually die on the spot." I think people call that the fight or flight response and that was my time experiencing the sensation. My muscle tensing up, vision getting slightly brighter from my pupils dilating, and my situational awareness and involuntary reflexes cranked up to 11. I didn't have anything to defend myself with, I didn't even think of bringing my knife with me, a mistake that I won't make ever again. Every second felt like a minute and every minute felt like an hour. I was dodging and weaving for my life, and every passing moment I remember my body tensing up and getting tired my glasses even flung out of my face from all the dodging that I did. And the end.. I wish I could forget. I remember breaking a large branch and plunging it through the monster's heart.

Many times.

Screaming at the top of my lungs.

I could feel every bit of it too. The resistance of the hide before it finally broke, the bones breaking, the visceral sound of organs rupturing, the dark red blood literally pouring out of the holes that I've created, seeing the Youkai's eyes slowly lose its shine and begin to dull away as it lost its strength and will to resist with each plunge of the tree branch down into its chest cavity, its screams muffled by the blood pooling in its mouth and its frantic breathing and flailing slowing down to a laboured pace and eventually stopping.. I don't even remember being that strong, but I managed to make more than five holes with the blood soaked tree branch. The rest was something out of a movie that no one would watch. The rain stopped by the time I was lying on top of the dead beast and passed out for a couple hours. When I came to, the shakes from the adrenaline were gone, my eyes were blurry from my lack of glasses, my whole body was aching and the realization of the fact that my hands were half mangled, bloodied and the though of ending a life of a living breathing creature... I threw up, twice. I've never really killed anything in my life, and I'm not going to count small bugs that I've killed because this was different. Although I'm happy that I'm still here and alive the thought of taking another life away is hard to swallow. I was sore and felt every single emotion overwhelm my senses. It felt awful, and I cried for what felt like an eternity. And at the end of everything I couldn't even go to the village.. I knew I looked like a mess and couldn't bear myself to go at such a state.

Going back to the mansion I didn't feel accomplished or triumphant. I felt sore and sick to my stomach. I ignored everyone on the way back and apologized this morning for ignoring them.. Looking after Flan was much harder today too, physically, mentally, and emotionally. She was asking me questions after questions of yesterday's event, and it was harder to answer with each questions. I know she's curious and for the most part she means well but it felt like I was getting interrogated. Looking back at the entire week, one day.. no... One moment turned my entire week into a nightmare. A nightmare that I desperately want to get out of.. If I was just a little more level headed I could have ended such a conflict with minimal damage... I've been only here in this world of fantasy for two months, and I'm already having thoughts of going home. Back to my lazy ways of stagnating routines of work and sleep the thought is comforting and almost depressing.. not because when.. no.. if I do go back I'll fall into the same habits, but no matter how hard I try; at the current state, I'm just trapped here.. and I'm alone...

I'm so tired and I'm crying again... I'm going to bed now my Dear Diary.. hopefully tomorrow is a little better..