Wake up, you bastard.
You worthless piece of shit.
What?
You heard me, fucker.
Get your ass up.
We have work to do.
8=-=-=-=-=-=-=DOpen my eyes but it's all still dark. Force myself up through this weight pushing down on me. Dirt. Try to suck down some air as I surface, but it hurts. A crippling blow to my chest, I double over and puke in the dirt at my knees. Bloodpuke. Nice. My hand's covered in blood from clutching my chest. God. What the hell kind of party did I have last night? Was there a party? I remember vomit. And sex. Sex that I regret, yet I can't remember why. Amy? Nah, she was pretty hawt. I wouldn't mind doing her too much, you know? It's not the sticking it in, but it's what comes out the other end, if you get my meaning. All that talking. It's like she thinks I give a shit, or something. I mean really. It's like, come on. Shut the fuck up and do something sexy already. I don't care. I'd sooner you leave. Did this have a point? God, my head hurts. Spit out dirt and force myself to my feet. Joints ache. Look around. My house. Backyard. For some reason, I was poorly buried in my own backyard. Not really covered up at all. Shoddy work, I must say. Climb out of the hole and walk over through my sliding glass door, which is open. Giving my place a once-over, I notice all the pictures of me are gone. I wonder why. Walk to the bathroom and leak blood from my phallus. Admire myself in the mirror. I look pretty cool all pale and with several gunshot wounds to the chest. Hey, I'm Sonic the fucking hedgehog, right? I can pull any look off. God, what nightmares I had. I had like three of them. All I remember are ugly snippets that I don't want to go into. I'd just as soon not talk about it. Instead, let's talk about how awesome I am. Do you know who I am? I'm Sonic the fucking hedgehog. Ring any bells? You might also know me as the hero of Mobius. You might also know me as your unattainable sexual fantasy. That's right. I know what you desire. :9
Sally.
What?
Call Sally!
Why the fuck would I call THAT bitch? That fucking stupid cumdumpster slut isn't even fucking canon! Shit on that, man, shit on that shit.
I SAID CALL SALLY!
8=-=-=-=-=-=-=DAnd for some reason, I do. The phone rings and rings and rings and rings and rings and rings and rings and rings and rings and rings and rings and rings and rings and rings and rings and finally that fucking slut, that fucking OC cunt answers the phone and she's all like;
"Hello? Princes Acorn!"
and I'm all like
"Bitch! You fucking slut!" only it was really more along the lines of "hello" and she asked me
"Who is this?"
and of course I'm like
"You know who this is, you fucking whore, you fucking worthless uncanon sluttt!" while slapping her in the face through the telephone with my cock. That one really happened.
"Ohh, hey Maurice."
"You fucking whore, I'm going to rip your goddamn tits off and shit on you."
"You don't have to beg, Sonic. I'll go out on a date with you."
"I never loved you and I never will."
"Sure, seven sounds fine."
"BLARGH."
"Great. See you then."
"BARGLEBLARGLEGRAAAHHHHHGH"
"Oh, Sonic. How sweet. I love you, too."
8=-=-=-=-=-=-=DClick. Hahahahah. I'm awesome.
You're such a liar.
Shut up, you. You're going to blow my image. You're going to blow it hard and deep. Then it's going to explode all over your face. What then, asshole? What then?
I'm starting to think you're an unfit narrator.
Shut up, you. Cover. You're blowing it. Blowing it hard, man. And I don't think you can swallow a load like the one that's coming when you go as deep as you're trying to get.. Look, man. I'm in this deep. I'm in this balls deep. If you want to get to where I'm at, you're going to have to find another way in. That's all I'm saying.
You are such an idiot...
8=-=-=-=-=-=-=DSuddenly, I become aware of a thudding coming from my bedroom. Wondering what it could possibly be, I grab the maglite off the kitchen counter and make my way slowly down the hallway. It's dark, of that I can be sure. I would turn on the flashlight I picked up, but the batteries are dead. I just sort of use it for clubbing things now. Speeding my way over to the door in the dark, I kick it in and my hand snakes around the wall to flip the switch. The light reveals Miles on the bed before me, all the pictures of me gathered around him and scattered across his nude, masturbating form. He sees me and squeals like a girl, picking up one of my faces and stuffing them in his crotch.
"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE?!"
"Y-y-y-y-y-y-y-you're supposed to be d-d-d-dead!"
"What?! What in god's name happened last night, man?"
"You mean.. you don't remember?"
"No. I just woke up in my backyard. What the fuck?"
"Oh, you had too much to drink, and you buried yourself."
"What?"
"Yeah. I'm surprised you didn't find the bottle down there, man. Don't go look, though, because it isn't there."
"Are you sure? That doesn't sound right."
"Positive."
"Okay, well if you say so. What is it you have going on here?"
"What? This? Oh, I.. uh.."
Brains.
"What?!"
BRAINS! EAT BRAINS!
8=-=-=-=-=-=-=DBefore I know what's going on, the metal flashlight cracks against the foxes skull. His brittle skull shattering, droplets of blood spattering out of the blunt force trauma wound. Another crack, his fur is all matted down, soaked and sticky. Another, and the beast is still fucking twitching and fidgeting. Another crack, and I'm licking the delicious copper taste off my lips. The head has canoed inward. Beautiful pink brains DELICIOUSBRAINS now lick the flashlight clean while still holding him, then drop it, yes, that's it, now go in there and take a bite, that's right bitch, take a bite and that crunching, that crunching sound between your teeth is particles of skull now don't it just taste so gooood? ? ? ? ? ?
Someone's ringing the doorbell.
No shit?
No shit.
I don't hear anything.
Well, I do, and I think it's almost seven.
It is seven. Five after, actually.
What?! You knew the whole time?
BRAINS!
You make a rather convincing argument. Maybe just a couple more handfuls of brain matter and I'll go see what's up.
8=-=-=-=-=-=-=DWalk to the door, wiping the blood off my mouth with my forearm. Peer through the peephole to see none other than the Royal Cunt Sally Acorn. Great. Just great. Open the door and greet her with a fake smile.
"Why hello there, Miss Acorn."
BRAINS!
"Hey, Sonic. Are we going out somewhere, or...?"
"Sure, sure. Let me just show you something real quick. In the basement."
BRAINS!
"Sonic, you don't have a basement."
NEED MOAR BRAINS!
"Oh, but I do. Just got one last week. Come along. To the basement, yes. I'll show you what's in the basement..."
MOAR BRAINS.
"If you say so."
8=-=-=-=-=-=-=DShe crosses the threshold and the door closes behind her by my hand. Hand snakes around her shoulders and I lead her over to the closet, and open the door.
"Go on in."
"Sonic... this is a closet."
8=-=-=-=-=-=-=DShake my head.
"No, Sally. That's where you're wrong. It's only a closet if you don't... open your mind... "
8=-=-=-=-=-=-=Dgiggle.
"I don't like this..."
8=-=-=-=-=-=-=DMy hands snatch her neck faster than she can react and before she can do anything about it, her attempted screams, blocked by my hand, turn to gurgles of protest. Her body weakly flailing, her face swelling up and turning blue. Her eyes wide with horror, her nose starts to bleed. Throttle her a bit, and wrestle her down to the ground. Bite down on her cheek, and rip away her muscle with my teeth, chewing through fat and fur, I smash her head against the cement floor over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again to get to the DELISHUS BRAINS!
BRAINS!
"BRAINS!"
"Brains?"
8=-=-=-=-=-=-=DLook over to see Amy dragging her reanimated corpse in through my sliding glass door. Now, how in the hell did she get back there? Eh, doesn't matter. BRAINS!
"BRAINS!"
BRAINS!
"BRAINS!"
"BRAINS!"
BRAINS!
8=-=-=-=-=-=-=DRun over to her and kiss her on the mouth my tung ruffly invaysing hers and i wip my cock out and stick it in that bitch one, two, three times and i cum in that bitch bareback and i don't even give a FUCK until she starts biting into my shoulder, but that's okay, that's just dandy because i bite into her neck and it tastes a little stale but i can work with it because i am fucking hungry and i dont even give a fuck what we eat each other and that's the end of the story.
SONAMY4EVR! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !