INT. WAREHOUSE.
Room barren, save for a pile of bloody meat in the center of the room. On opposite sides, sitting parallel, two loveseats about a yard each away from the bloody mess of meat and sneakers. TAILS walks onscreen, sporting a poorly thrown together Sherlock Holmes outfit. In his right hand, a pipe. In his left hand, a book of matches. He shoves the pipe's mouthpiece between his teeth and clenches. Looks down at pile and sighs. Opens book and rips out a paper match. Strikes it and folds the book closed, stuffing it into his pocket. Shielding the flame, he brings the burning sulfur tip to the mouth of the pipe, and sucks the flame through the pile of tobacco. Being thirteen, and having never smoked before, he inhales too deeply causing him to immediately plunge into a coughing fit, falling to his knees, dropping the pipe, and puking on the pile of organs. Wiping his mouth with the sleeve of his jacket, he collects himself. There's a knocking at the door. TAILS gets up, and walks off camera.
TAILS
Coming!
The sound of the door opening.
TAILS
Sally! It's so good to see you! It's been years.
SALLY
Yeah, whatever. Where's the buffet?
TAILS
Oh, that stuff gets here later.
TAILS walks back onscreen, followed by SALLY, who's gotten a lot bigger since her last appearance in the Sonic franchise.
TAILS
Here, have a seat.
SALLY makes her way to the closest loveseat, wheezing and gasping for air, completely out of breath.
TAILS
Are you okay?
She plops down on the couch, and two of the legs snap, the little couch going lopsided. She adjusts herself, and sits on it at an angle.
SALLY
Flight of stairs...*gasp*... damn near killed me... *wheeze*
SALLY digs around in her purse until she locates a chocolate bar. Splits the wrapper and crams the chocolate bar in her mouth all at once. She starts chewing, smacking loudly, still breathing heavy. She swallows.
SALLY
I'm starved. When's food getting here?
TAILS lifts his finger up and opens his mouth, as if to say something, and then there comes a knocking at the door.
SALLY
Oooh! Maybe that's them! Quick, TAILS, check and see!
TAILS walks off screen once more.
SALLY
Tails, what's this crap on the floor? Is it edible?
The sound of the door opening.
TAILS
Hey, come right in!
SHADOW
Cut the shit, TAILS. What do you want?
TAILS
I'll get to that in a second, if you'll just follow me over here and have a seat, we can begin shortly.
TAILS and SHADOW make their way back on camera, to the center of the room. SHADOW steps in the pile of meat, and looks down.
SHADOW
What the fuck is that? What the fuck did I just step in?
TAILS
Oh, that? Don't worry about that. Just have a seat.
SALLY
It's edible, right?
SHADOW moves to the opposite loveseat as SALLY, dragging his foot on the floor, squeaking his sneakers and leaving a red streak on the floor behind him. Sitting down, he looks over at SALLY.
SHADOW
Who the fuck is this?
SALLY
How do you not know who I am? I'm the princess!
SHADOW
We don't have a princess. We have a president..
SALLY
I'm SONIC's girlfriend.
SHADOW
I thought AMY was SONIC's girlfriend...
SALLY's expression turns sour as she digs another chocolate bar out of her purse. More knocking at the door and TAILS disappears off camera.
SALLY (through mouthful of chocolate)
You're pretty cute. You single?
SHADOW
I am the ultimate lifeform. I need not such petty things as companionship.
SALLY
Why don't you come sit over here next to me, sweet cheeks?
SHADOW
Uh... I'm fine where I am, thank you.
SALLY tries to get up from her seat, but is unable. Just the attempt sends her into another wheezing fit. TAILS returns with AMY.
AMY
Uh, hold on a sec. Like, what the fuck is that betch doing here?!
SALLY
Why, if it isn't SONIC's little whore. What the hell are you doin' here, homewrecker?!
AMY
Wow, you got fat.
SALLY
Why thank you, AMY. You look 'specially slutty today, with them titties poppin' out of that pink top. Tell me; what size were they before the operation? A?
AMY
You're just jealous, betch.
SALLY
Jealous awhat? Honey, cum washes off. Shame doesn't.
AMY
Oh whatever. At least I have my dignity.
SALLY
What?! You don't even know what that means.
AMY
Of course I do. It's like when you care about how you look or whatever. Which you don't have, fatty.
SALLY
Spell dignity.
AMY
What? What does that have to do with anything?
SALLY
Just do it, bimbo.
AMY
Dignity. D-I-G-N-E-T-T-
SALLY
HA! STUPID!
AMY
What?! You didn't even like let me finish!
The sound of the door opening startles TAILS. He goes off camera to meet it.
SALLY
AHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
AMY
Wow, you're like really shallow and immature.
AMY sits next to SHADOW, and looks at him like a horny schoolgirl.
AMY
Hey, cutie.
KNUCKLES
YO, YO, YO! WHAAASSUUUUUP NIIIIGGGAAAAZ?!
SHADOW
What?!
KNUCKLES
Hey faggot, where the bitches at?
TAILS
Alright, now, I've told you a million times that I'm not gay.
KNUCKLES walks onscreen, sporting shades and fake bling, followed by TAILS, whom he is ignoring.
KNUCKLES
I thought you said there was gonna be bitches here.
SHADOW
You did NOT just drop the N-bomb.
KNUCKLES
Chill out, homie. We on the same team. Word.
SHADOW
No. I am a proud black individual. You, sir, are a racist echidna spreading a hateful stereotype my people have been unable to shake for decades.
KNUCKLES
Whateva, nigga. Ya'll just bowin' down to da man, letting him bring you down. Not me. I'm not going to stand for it.
TAILS
Guys! Calm down, okay? We don't need any further violence.
Everyone's attention turns to the pile of bloody meat in the floor.
KNUCKLES
What da fuck is that shit, yo?
TAILS
That? Oh, I, uh...
AMY
Is that puke? It smells like puke.
KNUCKLES
And where are the fuckin' bitches, man? You promised me bitches, and all I see is a slut I one-night-standed three times now and that old thing I forgot existed. What's your name again.
SALLY
My name is SALLY.
KNUCKLES
Whateva. That thing knows what it is.
AMY
Bitches?! What is this? I thought you said SONIC wanted to meet me here!
SHADOW
SONIC?! What? I thought this was a deal about chaos emeralds!
SALLY
What the fuck is a chaos emerald?! I thought this was an all you can eat buffet!
KNUCKLES
Buffet?! I thought it was bitches!
Everyone stares hard at TAILS.
TAILS
Um... well, ONE of you are right.
AMY
Are those like, SONIC's sneakers?
TAILS
AHA! Tricked you all! Now you're all trapped!
SHADOW
What the fuck is this?
KNUCKLES
Yeah! What kind of gay shit is this?!
TAILS
For god's sake, KNUCKLES, I do not like men!
AMY
Oh, whatever, TAILS. Who are you trying to kid?
SALLY
For once, the hussie has a point..
TAILS
Why does everyone think I'm gay?
KNUCKLES
Because you is.
SHADOW
Which one of us was right?
AMY
Hey, yeah! It better be me!
TAILS
Actually, AMY, it was. You will, in fact, get to see SONIC.
KNUCKLES
Oh, that sucks.
SALLY
So, wait... no food?
AMY
Like you need it. WHEN'S MY SONIKKU GETTING HERE?!
TAILS
Well, he's already here.
AMY
No, he isn't!
SALLY
I don't see the two-timing shithead anywhere.
KNUCKLES eyes SHADOW suspiciously.
KNUCKLES
SONIC, is that you?
SHADOW
What?!
KNUCKLES
Did you spraypaint yourself black to get back at me?
SHADOW
KNUCKLES, you stupid fuck.
KNUCKLES
...What?
AMY
What the hell is that thing? It smells like puke and rotten meat.
TAILS
Well, that's SONIC.
AMY
No it isn't. SONIC is blue.
KNUCKLES
And he's taller, I think.
AMY
Yeah. By at least three feet, or so.
KNUCKLES
Is those his sneakers? Aw, fuck yeah, nigga!
KNUCKLES bends over, and picks the sneakers out of the mess with his mitten-like hands. SHADOW is seething with anger.
SHADOW
You're taking those stereotypes a bit too far.
SALLY
You never answered my question. Is that edible?
KNUCKLES
Chill out, bro. One love.
SHADOW
You son of a-
TAILS
Guys! I brought you here for a reason, okay?! Settle down!
SALLY
Yeah, you idiots. Shut up and let the little homo get the food in order.
TAILS
There is no food, SALLY. I brought you all here to solve a murder.
ALL
*gasp* A MURDER?!
TAILS
Yes. A murder. SONIC's murder. Somebody murdered him.
AMY
Who?!
TAILS
That's what we're trying to figure out, AMY. Try and keep up.
AMY
I was just acting a question. You don't have to be such a fag about everything. Jeez.
TAILS
I'm not a-
SHADOW
Okay, so SONIC was killed. Whatever. Now, what do you need us for?
TAILS
Simp- uh, I mean, elementary, my dear SHADOW. You're all suspects.
ALL
Us?!
TAILS
Yes. You. Starting with SONIC's number one enemy. SHADOW.
SHADOW
Me?!
TAILS
You.
SHADOW
What makes you think I did it?
TAILS
Elementary. You see, nobody hates SONIC as much as you do.
SHADOW
What about Doctor Robotnik?
TAILS
Okay, well, I couldn't get him to come.
SHADOW
I couldn't have done it. I was at Angel Island stealing the master emerald until early this morning.
TAILS
How do you know when he was killed?!
SHADOW
I... don't?
TAILS
So, you admit it! You got here fifteen minutes ago, lived through this experience, then used the chaos emeralds to chaos control back in time to kill our beloved SONIC! Didn't you? Didn't you?!
SHADOW
I don't have any of the chaos emeralds, TAILS. That's the reason I came here. Because you lied to me.
TAILS
Okay, I suppose that checks out.
KNUCKLES
My nigga.
SHADOW
That's it, I'm gonna kick your ass!
SHADOW jumps to his feet and dashes over to KNUCKLES. KNUCKLES crouches and pops up with an uppercut, causing SHADOW's teeth to shatter, and a stream of blood to sting out from his face. Another blow to the throat and SHADOW is down, gasping and gurgling.
KNUCKLES
Ah, yeah, nigga! Wut! Wut!
KNUCKLES stomps on him a few times, leaving his limp body occasionally twitching. He makes his way over to SHADOW's old seat and sits next to AMY.
KNUCKLES
Hey, sweet cheeks. I know we already done it, but I figger we could do it again.
AMY
Ew, gross! I don't do wannabes!
KNUCKLES
Aw, come on, baby. I know you like me, at least a little
AMY
I have a boyfriend!
AMY lifts up her hand, as if to show off an engagement ring, but alas, her fingers are empty.
KNUCKLES
What, the pile of meat on the floor? With the puddle of throw-up on top of it?
AMY
No, I've decided to date SHADOW exclusively. At least until he gets boring.
SALLY is seen in the background, stuffing her face with more chocolates.
KNUCKLES
You mean the other pile of meat on the floor?
SALLY
When's the food getting here? I'm hunnngry. *whines*
AMY
You fat cunt, you don't need any food. You could live off your own excess fat for months.
SALLY
That's it, you little hussie. You called down the thunderthighs, and now you got 'em!
AMY
Ha! What are you going to do, you fat betch? Sit on me?!
SALLY
Maybe I will sit on you, you little twat.
SALLY stands up, and starts charging towards her. Loud booming as her feet smash against the ground, the warehouse vibrating, SALLY turns and falls backwards and crushes the second couch in, too, as AMY disappears under her girth. KNUCKLES jumps from the couch, to his feet.
AMY
MMMMGFGGHHHFFF!
SALLY
Yeah, bitch. How you like the taste of that.
AMY's muffled screams slowly die as SALLY struggles with the wrapper around some snack cakes and turns her attention to KNUCKLES
SALLY
Hey, there, skinny. How are you doing tonight?
KNUCKLES
Uh..
TAILS
SALLY! She was a suspect!
SALLY
Looks like I done took out the murderer, then.
TAILS
But what if you're the murderer? Sure, she had a motive, but you have a better one. You're SALLY ACORN. Nobody remembers you, and everyone who does hates you.
SALLY
You wanna say that to me again, faggot?
TAILS
I'm not gay, god damn it!
SALLY gets up and starts trotting towards KNUCKLES, who is too shocked and frightened to react.
SALLY
Come here, skinny, and give momma some sugar!
AMY's crushed remains still stuck to her backside, SALLY leaps on KNUCKLES, pushing him to the floor, crushing every bone in his pelvis under her enormous weight.
KNUCKLES
AHHHHHHHHH!
SALLY
Let's see how you like the taste of momma's sugarlumps.
KNUCKLES is coughing up blood, when suddenly SALLY's expression turns into one of horror as her heart bursts inside her chest. Yes, the exertion has given her a heart attack. She falls forward onto KNUCKLES, crushing him entirely.
TAILS
Suddenly I feel as though I'm in a bad cornwallace fanfiction.
Suddenly, TAILS looks up at something off camera, making a O_O face.
TAILS
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UU UUUU UU UUUUU UUUUUU UUU U-
THE END