ENTER STAGE RIGHT, Sonic.
Sonic is not very happy today.
Well, then again, he's never happy. There are many factors going into why he's not happy, including the recent batch of shit games he has, the recent batch of shit comics he has, the recent batch of shit shits he has, but we'll just assume he's unhappy for the sake of being unhappy for now. That's actually kind of emo, but we're not portraying Sonic as an emo whinger.
Yet.
Anyways, Sonic finds himself standing in the apartment. It's not really an apartment, just a 4-camera sitcom getup looking like the interior of a shitty bachelor pad. But we can imagine it's an apartment.
That's right kids.
Imagination.
Imaaaaaaagiiiinaaaation.
Also in this swanky meta-home is gay kid Tails, who is busying himself by using the computer to browse dildos, actual emo whinger Shadow, wigger Knuckles, and token girls Sally, Amy, and that other bitch with the cowboy hat who's name I have forgotten.
"What's going on in here?" Sonic demands, appearing surprised to see this crew of woodland animals in his house (you using your imagination yet?). "Why are you all here? How did you get in here?"
"Your back door was open." Says Tails. Since Tails is flamingly gay, this is actually a joke. You know, anus. Laugh, damnit.
Goddamnit.
Anyway, seeing that no one in the studio audience finds that line funny at all, the tech guy turns on the laugh track.
Giggles everywhere.
"Sonic, it's time for an intervention." Says Sally.
The laugh track is still going, though, so Sally just looks like she's laughing.
What is she laughing at?
Maybe she's laughing at you.
You, the reader.
You gonna fuckin' take that, holmes?
Of course you will.
"I don't need no fuckin' intervention!" Sonic exclaims, as the laugh track finally stops. "Get out of my house! What do I need an intervention for, anyway?"
"Yo mah nigga," says ignant white boy Knuckles, who is attempting- and failing- to act black. To put this into perspective, he is trying to wear his pants low. However, they are down to his shins, giving everyone a frontal view of his underwear. Superman undies, too. "We's just thinking how you never get no pootang, so we was wonderin'. Maybe you should come out of the closet, dawg. We could get you help."
Sonic here is shocked that someone is implying that he, in all his feminine undertones, could be homosexual. "I'm not gay, Knuckles." He says this with conviction, but Knuckles here is supposed to be a reference to fisting. The reference does not go over with the crowd at all, and the script-writer is considering hanging himself.
Cue the laugh track again.
"Besides, why don't you just get help for Tails? He's gay."
Tails, meanwhile, has outfitted himself in drag. Of all kinds of gay out there, he is probably the extreme. Limp wristed, he howls in a really, really girly voice, "That's persecution! See what I have to go through?!"
Of course, no one pays attention to him, because he's Tails.
Sonic meanwhile, continues to maintain he's not gay. Which is a complete lie, but we'll give him the benefit of the doubt here.
"I'm not gay! I've been trying to make advances to her-" in which he points to Sally- "for years!"
This statement hits Amy so hard, she leaves the set.
This was supposed to be another funny moment here, but like I said, it's not.
During this time, the script-writer is desperately searching for a rope and a high place.
"Why haven't I made any progress with her, huh?"
"Because Sally is a lesbian, baaaaaaaaaaw," answers Shadow. Poor Shadow here has been pulled from his weekly emo-cutting circle to this event, and he's not appreciating it. He shoves his face into Twilight and tries to imagine that he's Bella.
That's right.
Shadow wishes to be the little girl.
Sally, meanwhile, who has just been outed, also leaves the set. She'll be back later, for character development. That's what the script says.
Meanwhile, the scriptwriter is hanging by electrical cable from a rafter.
Cue the laugh track.
"Not to mention, we found your CD player with a Wham! disc inside," states Tails, who holds up a copy of Careless Whisper to further extend the point.
"How is music an indicator of your sexuality?" Demands Sonic.
"Well, dawg," says Knuckles, but this comes out as an mpmph mmmph noise, because he's got grills in his mouth. Grillz. "Real African Zulus like me listen to Soulja Boy, Hollywood Undead, Linkin Park-"
We cut off Knuckles, because he's simply conforming the fact that he's a wigger.
The biggest wigger of them all, y'see.
Meanwhile, Sonic is attempting to make one last-ditch effort to prove that he's not a fag, which is a complete lie, since he is, but he's doing it anyway.
"Knuckles, Shadow, Tails. You guys know me. You know I'm not gay. Right?"
"That's not what the video says, baaaaaaw," Shadow retorts, holding up a remote control for the television.
Shadow clicks the play button, and Sonic sees a bathroom stall through the grainy video playing onscreen.
"What the fuck is this supposed to be?" He says.
"Just watch, honkey." Threatens Knuckles. "Or I'll cap ya."
To illustrate his point, he has grabbed his dick. As any real african zulu knows, grabbing your crotch area and walking aggressively is sign language for "I'm going to fucking shoot your brains out with a pistol."
Unfortunately, Knuckles must have hit something on the way there, because he crumples to the ground in a heap of fake jewelry. "My dick, yo!" He cries out. "My fucking penis!"
This is the only thing the audience has found funny, just because this cracker got told, so they laugh and hoot. No laugh track here.
Actually, I lied. The laugh track is playing. There is no audience. Everyone has left. There was no everyone. Everything is everyone. There is no jelly, only zuul.
The floor is lava.
What is this, I don't even-
Anyways, Sonic directs his vision to the television, where he finds that a hand is madly flailing underneath the stall. To everyone else, this is a sign that you're looking for gay sex. Delicious, delicious gay sex. Om nom nom. To Sonic, this looks like someone is having a seizure.
Why?
Because animals are fucking stupid. They've got the brain of a walnut for a reason, you know.
It appears this hand wants to tear himself an asshole.
However, to the hand's surprise, the door from the other stall opens, revealing the fucking feds, yo. Several cops bust into the room, yank the bathroom stall open, and hustle Larry Craig out of there in 'cuffs. Well, not really Larry Craig, just Larry Craig with Sonic's head poorly photoshopped on top of him, but you take what you can get.
"Wait, what?" Sonic says.
"It's proof you're gay, dawg." Says Knuckles from his position laid out on the floor.
"But that's Larry Crai-"
"SSh," says Tails, in this really terrifying homo-erotic way. He places his hand over Sonic's lips. "It's okay to be gay."
"Indeed, baaaaaaaaaw." Says Shadow. The two advance on Sonic, who backs into a wall.
Sonic, Tails, and Shadow proceed to have the most mind-blowing homo gay-orgy ever known to man.
That is, until cornwallace is on the scene. He is accompanied by a bluegrass song, by yours truly, the author. Little does Radio Interference know that I can't play music for shit, so cornwallace actually enters to the sound of a moaning, dying cat.
"Hold on, fellas!" He says, in a thick southern drawl. "Don't you know gay sex is noooooooooooooooo good?"
"wat", says Sonic.
"wat", says Tails.
"baaaaaaaaaaaaaw", says Shadow.
"I'munna have to teach y'all a lesson," cornwallace says, and beats the shit out of everyone here.
There was a moral to this story, but then I got lazy and forgot it.
Um.
Shit.
Cue the laugh track.
Radio Interference - 2009