Scene opens to a bloody pile of meat on the floor. Well, two bloody piles of meat. Intermingling. It leaves you wondering "what?"

CHARMY
So, what do we got here, chief?

NACK
We've got a an all you can eat crime buffet. Special today is murder, with a side of demented.

CHARMY
What do you reckon happened?

NACK
No telling. We got two hedgehogs here, looks like they ate each other while fucking. In the bedroom we got a dead fox, head caved in and partially eaten, with his dick in his hand. We got a squirrel over there, head partially eaten, smashed in the closet door. And in the bathroom, we have a human who was strangled and beaten to death somewhere around three weeks prior to any of this.

CHARMY gets excited.

CHARMY
Elise?

NACK
Mhm.

CHARMY
Thank god. I hated that cunt. I swear, man, nothing after Sonic Adventure 2 was canon. Nothing.

NACK
Nothing after Sonic 3 was canon, you idiot! What, you think we're canon?

CHARMY
Um... Yes?

NACK
Triple wrong! We're fanfiction. We always have been.

CHARMY
Bummer. Anyway, I hated her.

NACK
Well, just because you hate something doesn't mean you should choke it while stuffing it's own fecal matter down it's throat.

CHARMY
Are there any suspects?

NACK
I think all these corpses are guilty of some horrible crime against humanity. There's semen everywhere, and we don't even know where to begin.

CHARMY
Sounds like a diddy mow.

NACK
It IS a diddy mow.

CHARMY
Damn. Damn...

NACK
Exactly what I was thinking. On top of all of this, it's Sonic's house, and he's one of the corpses. We'll have reporters up our asses as soon as we walk out of here. I can hear them outside.

CHARMY
Should we exercise caution? You know, like, with our guns drawn and shit?

NACK
I would imagine so. Any casualties would be justified. Fucking press.

CHARMY
I thought SONIC was invincible.

NACK
He is. All of them are. They'll be back in some other form soon enough.

CHARMY
Deep.

NACK
No. No, it isn't. It's stupid.

CHARMY
Oh. Right. Fanfiction. Duh.

NACK
It is a disgusting existence, you know that?

CHARMY
It really is. Say, what should we do now?

NACK
Well, it's a cornwallace fanfiction. You know what that means.

CHARMY
Oh, dear god. That's a joke, right? Please tell me you're joking.

NACK
You're my favorite turd, CHARMY. I wouldn't shit ya.

CHARMY
Oh fuckle. We ARE in a cornwallace fanfiction. He is such a fucking (EDIT: good writer).

NACK
You're telling me. The worst.

CHARMY
This isn't Balls off, is it?

NACK
Actually, CHARMY... Yeah. Yeah, it is.

CHARMY
Balls off, dude. Balls way fucking off.

NACK
Huhuhuhuhuhuh

CHARMY
That's not even funny, dude.

NACK
Believe me, I know.

CHARMY
So, what horrible ending will we be subjected to this time? Cannibalism? Some horrible degeneration involving buttsex and corpses? Depraved acts of sexual frustration? MOAR SECKS?

NACK
MOAR SECKS

CHARMY
Just who the fuck does cornwallace think he is, marching in here and fucking up my fandom with this nonsense? What the fuck is this shit?

NACK
I think it's one big joke on the audience. And it's been working. He still gets reviews for this thing. People are still fucking reading it, and people are still hating it. What they don't get is, that's the point. They're supposed to hate it. They're supposed to leave anonymous reviews telling him that he sucks. They're supposed to keep coming back to it, even though they hate it. It's like taking a giant shit on fanfictiondotnet, and everyone comes over to poke it with a stick, talking about how much it smells. He finds it hilarious.

CHARMY
What a sick fuck.

NACK
Innit?

CHARMY
Can we stop him?

NACK
I'm afraid not. His fingers are at work here. Hard.

CHARMY
Our destinies our in his hands.

NACK
This is, perhaps, the biggest joke of all.

CHARMY
Any thirteen year old kid can play god.

NACK
True dat. And it's god's plan that I do this.

NACK snaps into action, delivering his fist to CHARMY's throat, cracking something inside of it, he spits blood out and deadweights like the worthless piece of shit he is. NACK suddenly gains superpowers and starts flying, he flies out the window through the glass making it shatter all around him he's so fucking cool and he lands on the grass in the front lawn and kicks the first reporter right in the face the force of it tearing it from his neck and sending the decapitated head into a camera behind him and cracking it and smashing the camera into his face and it's all bloody and gross and NACK flies over to him and eats his face and fucks him and fucks him and fucks him and fucks him and then he nuts on her and uses a kai blast to destroy everyone else but suddenly ZOMBIES NINJAS AND ROBOTS AND PIRATES show up and NACK rips off his face to reveal that he's actually cornwallace in disguise and he beats up the zombies with kung fu kicking one and punching the other and so on and then he beats up the robots with kung fu and then the ninjas and then the pirates and then he blows up mobius and flies away in his spaceship made of platinum and drives all the way back to texas where he crashes into someone's house, blowing it up. When questioned about the incident, he only had "fuck you, it's Dallas," to say.