SONIC and BEN AFFLECK are tongue kissing and touching each other's bodies when the phone ringdings.
SONIC
You'd better get that, BEN AFFLECK.
BEN AFFLECK
Okay, I will answer the phone now SONIC THE HEDGEHOG.
BEN AFFLECK answers the phone.
BEN AFFLECK
Hello. This is my house.
MR. MOVIE PRODUCER GUY
Thank goodness you're here, BEN AFFLECK. I need you to be The Batman and I need you to be The Batman right now.
BEN AFFLECK
Now is not a good time, MR. MOVIE PRODUCER GUY. I am busy kissing and caressing on my boyfriend SONIC THE HEDGEHOG. We were about to do the sex, your honour.
MR. MOVIE PRODUCER GUY
Your penis and my honour don't have anything to do with this, BEN AFFLECK. After testscreening the new The Batman movie, we decided we needed to reshoot all of the new The Batman movie. There's nothing we can do. And by we I mean you as you are contractually obligated and your life and soul and boyfriend belongs to us.
BEN AFFLECK
*gasp* Not SONIC THE HEDGEHOG. He is my boyfriend not yours. Only I am allowed to touch his cloaca.
MR. MOVIE PRODUCER GUY
Then you'd better get your butt down here and be The Batman, BEN AFFLECK. You'd better be The Batman and you'd better be The Batman good, do you understand? Or we'll be passing your boyfriend's cloaca around the office like chips and salsa at a Reptilian Overlord Blood Orgy.
MR. MOVIE PRODUCER GUY hangs up the phone. BEN AFFLECK is visibly sad and nervously bites his beautiful lips. SONIC notices this and is concerned.
SONIC (concerned)
BEN AFFLECK, sweetie... Who was that? What's wrong?
BEN AFFLECK
It's nothing I can talk about to you my boyfriend SONIC THE HEDGEHOG. Please let us quickly do the sex.
BEN AFFLECK desperately sticks his tongue out as he leans toward SONIC THE HEDGEHOGS face and reaches for his nipples.
SONIC is taken aback. BEN AFFLECK'S tongue grinds and wiggles against his tongue against SONIC's tightening lips in effort to wedge it into SONIC's mouth. SONIC's response is negative, at least from BEN AFFLECK'S perspective.
SONIC (pushing BEN AFFLECK away)
MMMM! BENJAMIN GEZA AFFLECK-BOLDT. Are you lying to me? Your boyfriend? SONIC THE HEDGEHOG?
BEN AFFLECK (dejected)
...Yes.
SONIC (sadly, also hurt)
B-BEN AFFLECK... why would you lie to me? I am your boyfriend. SONIC THE HEDGEHOG. How could you break the circle of trust that bonds us together in love and trust?
BEN AFFLECK (looking away in shame)
I just...
SONIC
You just what? Tell me BEN AFFLECK. I am your boyfriend. You can tell me BEN AFFLECK. You can tell me anything.
BEN AFFLECK
I just wanted to put things inside of your cloaca before you got mad at me instead of after.
SONIC
Okay. Why would I get mad at you?
BEN AFFLECK
Don't you wanna do fun cloaca stuff before you get mad? :(
SONIC
Tell me, BEN AFFLECK. I am your boyfriend.
BEN AFFLECK (whining)
SOOOONIIIIIIC
SONIC (putting his hands on his hips and tapping his foot impatiently)
BEN AFFLECK.
BEN AFFLECK (sighs)
Okay, okay. I gotta go back to Hollywood and be The Batman again. For the new The Batman movie.
SONIC
BEN AFFLECK. You just got home from being The Batman. You can't do this, BEN AFFLECK. You can't do this to our relationship.
BEN AFFLECK
I don't want to SONIC THE HEDGEHOG but I have to. I have to be The Batman. I'm contractually obligated. They own my body.
SONIC
That's *my* body, BEN AFFLECK. I own it. :T
SONIC defensively cups BEN AFFLECK'S twitching bulge. His eyebrows raise inward like :T
BEN AFFLECK
I know, SONIC THE HEDGEHOG. I am yours and you are mine my darling sweet love. That's why I gotta go be The Batman. Don't you understand? I have to protect the sanctity and purity of our love. I hold it very sacred -
BEN AFFLECK grinds SONIC's hand against his panting loins -
BEN AFFLECK
- here -
BEN AFFLECK grabs SONIC's wrist and guides his palm up to his heart.
BEN AFFLECK
- and here.
SONIC pulls his hand away and dramatically turns his head.
He crosses his arms.
SONIC
BENJAMIN GEZA AFFLECK-BOLTD, you call that MR. MOVIE PRODUCER GUY back up on the phone and you tell him this instant that you won't be going to Hollywood to be The Batman and instead you'll be staying to have sex with me your boyfriend SONIC THE HEDGEHOG all week and then maybe you can be The Batman in the new The Batman movie if you know what's good for you and that's final. You call him and you tell him that this instant right now or you can kiss this chilidog chugger goodbye.
SONIC points informatively at his cloaca.
BEN AFFLECK appears to be hurt, because he is. His feelings have been hurt by his boyfriend, SONIC THE HEDGEHOG.
BEN AFFLECK loses posture and hangs his head.
BEN AFFLECK
I gotta go.
BEN AFFLECK gets up and makes his way to the door.
SONIC (reaching after him, desperate)
W-wait!
BEN AFFLECK sadly looks over his shoulder, hand on the knob.
SONIC
Don't you need to pack or something?
BEN AFFLECK
No... I'll just get that Mexican kid from work to pack for me.
SONIC
BEN AFFLECK?
BEN AFFLECK
Yeah, SONIC?
SONIC
...I love you...
BEN AFFLECK
Yeah... I love you, too, SONIC THE HEDGEHOG.
BEN AFFLECK exits. SONIC THE HEDGEHOG sobs. BEN AFFLECK gets in his car and puts his keys in it like sometimes he puts his penis in his boyfriend's cloaca, SONIC THE HEDGEHOG's. BEN AFFLECK sadly wonders if he even still has a boyfriend.
He drives down the road to the airport and he listens to the song CALL ME MAYBE by CARLY RAE JEPSEN, tears in his eyes as he sings along when it gets to the part about how before you came into my life I missed you so bad, missed you so bad, missed you so so bad. Before you came into my life I missed you so bad. Missed you so bad. Missed you so so bad. BEN AFFLECK adds lyrics to the song.
BEN AFFLECK
SONIC THE HEDGEHOG. ;_;
BEN AFFLECK is cut off from singing when his cellular tellophone rings and he fumbles to turn the radio off, flips it open, takes a big sad sniff and boops it up to his ear before getting into character.
BEN AFFLECK (cool voice)
Yo, this is my cellular tellophone. Don't bother leaving a message because you got me on the line. Hey-oooo.
JEFF FROM WORK
H-hey BEN AFFLECK.
BEN AFFLECK
Ha-hey! JEFF FROM WORK! What's up, buddy?
JEFF FROM WORK
Wh-what's up?
BEN AFFLECK
It means "what are you up to?"
JEFF FROM WORK
O-oh. I'm just chillin' and grillin'. Uh. heh. hahah. Y-you?
BEN AFFLECK
Oh, you know. Scramblin' and ramblin'. HA. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
JEFF FROM WORK
I-I'm sorry to do this, buddy, but I just got a call from the boss and he told me to check up on you. Are you on your way to being The Batman for the new The Batman movie yet?
BEN AFFLECK
Yeah, I'm on the way to the airport right now. It's such bullshit, though. Like, why can't they just make good movies?
JEFF FROM WORK
Hey bro, I totally know bro. Look I'm supposed to give you the lowdown on the downlow. If you reckon what I mean.
BEN AFFLECK
I'm reckonin' you beckonin' a sexanin'. Ha! Just kidding. I'm seeing someone.
BEN AFFLECK quietly turns dramatically and bites his knuckle using body language to express to you the audience that he's not sure if he's lying and it's killing him inside.
JEFF FROM WORK.
Ha. Hahahah. You're funny, BEN AFFLECK. Now, listen to me.
BEN AFFLECK
I'm listenin' like a christenin'.
JEFF FROM WORK
Please stop rhyming, I'm sorry I did that.
BEN AFFLECK
Okay. I'm sorry.
JEFF FROM WORK
We don't know how long you'll be reshooting the new The Batman movie. This is basically a giant pissing contest between the producers and the director. They're jacking off into each other's eyes, you understand me? We don't know if we're gonna fix a couple scenes or reshoot the whole movie. What I need from you is patience, okay?
BEN AFFLECK
Patience?! I can't reshoot the whole movie, I gotta get back to my boyfriend SONIC THE HEDGEHOG. He's very upset with me that I just got done being The Batman in the new The Batman movie
JEFF FROM WORK
There are two people in this world who don't accept excuses, BEN AFFLECK. And that's GOD, and HOLLYWOOD.
BEN AFFLECK screams.
JEFF FROM WORK
I know, buddy. I know. Just hang in tight and they'll run out of cum eventually, okay buddy?
BEN AFFLECK sighs.
BEN AFFLECK
Okay.
JEFF FROM WORK
Who's my BIG BEN?
BEN AFFLECK
I am. :T
JEFF FROM WORK
Good boy. Call me when you're beachside, chunguuuuus. *click*
BEN AFFLECK turns back on his radio and the song WE ARE NEVER EVER EVER GETTING BACK TO GETHER WEEEE ARE NEVER EEVER EVER GETTING ABCK TOGETHER comes on and poor BEN AFFLECK bawls his eyeballs out. BEN AFFLECK drives up to the airport and parks.
MEANWHILE AT SONIC AND BEN AFFLECK'S HOUSE.
Ding ding! That was the doorbell.
SONIC (rushing to look through peephole)
Who-who's there?!
MUFFLED VOICE
It's me, uh, KEVIN. I'm here for Mr. BEN AFFLECK's things.
SONIC (scared)
KEVIN?! That name doesn't sound very Mexican. BEN AFFLECK said you'd be Mexican.
KEVIN
Actually, uh. My name is KEVIN NGUYEN. I'm not Mexican, I'm Vietnamese.
SONIC opens the door and looks at him through the lock chain.
SONIC
Sorry. BEN AFFLECK can't really tell the difference.
KEVIN
It's okay. I know. I've told him like a hundred times but it doesn't seem to take. I just play along with it now, and bring him chimichangas at lunch. I dunno that he can tell the difference between chimichangas and any other food, either, because no matter what I give him he says "chimichangas again?" So I just started getting him chimichangas so he doesn't look stupid in front of people.
SONIC
He can't tell the difference... not when a Mexican gives him food. He thinks it's all chimichangas.
KEVIN
Yeah, uh. I'm not a Mexican? I went over that. We. We went over that.
SONIC blinks at him with one eye through the gap in the door. Not sexual.
SONIC
Hold on.
KEVIN
Okay.
The door closes and the chain lock click clacks and the door opens. KEVIN enters past a lonely SONIC.
SONIC
Would you like to touch my cloaca?
KEVIN
No, I'm okay. Thank you though.
SONIC bites his lip apprehensively. SONIC then bites his knuckle, also apprehensively.
MEANWHILE in the TSA line.
BEN AFFLECK
I don't have to show you my boy part do I?
TSA AGENT
Not unless you're hiding something in your boy part of course. What's this?
BEN AFFLECK
What's what?
TSA AGENT
Is that a pineapple stuffed down the front of your pants or are you happy to see me? Or is it a bomb? Are you a terrorist, BEN AFFLECK
BEN AFFLECK
Please, I don't even like terror.
TSA AGENT
I'm going to have to inspect your bulge MR. BEN AFFLECK
BEN AFFLECK
It's not a pineapple! I'm just horny!
The TSA AGENT checks out BEN AFFLECK's bulge.
MEANWHILE on BEN AFFLECK'S plane.
TAILS
Hi! I'm TAILS! I'm the pilot of BEN AFFLECK'S plane!
TAILS flies the plane while BEN AFFLECK broods and sips apple juice out of a wine glass and looks out the window. The plasma screen television on the plane is playing his favorite movie, CARS 2, but he's too sad to care. Lightning strikes off in the distance of the darkness and BEN AFFLECK hopes it struck someone filthy.
DEVON SAWA approaches.
DEVON SAWA
Uh, hey, BEN AFFLECK. I'm DEVON SAWA.
BEN AFFLECK (sad)
Hey DEVON SAWA. I'm BEN AFFLECK.
DEVON SAWA (expressing concern)
Hey, BEN AFFLECK, man, you don't look so hot.
BEN AFFLECK (angrily)
You take that back, you son of a bitch! I'm always hot! I'm BEN AFFLECK!
DEVON SAWA
No, BEN AFFLECK, sorry, you always look hot. That's not what I meant. What's got you down in the dumps, buddy?
BEN AFFLECK (sighs, rolling his head around comically)
It's my boyfriend! Or... I dunno... Maybe my ex-boyfriend? It's complicated.
DEVON SAWA
What's the problem, BEN AFFLECK? You can tell me, your best friend DEVON SAWA.
BEN AFFLECK
I'm sorry, DEVON SAWA. It's just that. I was tryna put things in my boyfriend, SONIC THE HEDGEHOG's cloaca when all of a sudden I got a phone call from MR. MOVIE PRODUCER GUY telling me I had to go back to work being The Batman in the new The Batman movie. I thought we already finished the new The Batman movie! I just wanted to have sex in my boyfriend's chilidog sillyhog hole and now I gotta go back to stupid work, and SONIC got all mad and I don't even know if he's my boyfriend anymore. *begins to cry* THIS IS SO STUPID AND I HATE IT AND I DON'T EVEN CARE ABOUT THE NEW THE BATMAN MOVIE ANYMORE I JUST WANT TO DO THE SEX AT MY BOYFRIEND.
DEVON SAWA caresses BEN AFFLECK'S nipples.
DEVON SAWA
I'm sorry you're having a tough time, BEN AFFLECK. Does it feel better when I rub on your nipples?
BEN AFFLECK
Yes, I like that.
DEVON SAWA
Would you like me to unbutton your shirt and lick my fingers and rub your nipples some more.
MEANWHILE at SONIC THE HEDGEHOG and BEN AFFLECK'S house.
SONIC
I am sad, KEVIN. If only I had a true friend here to rub on my nipples.
KEVIN NGUYEN struggles to pull the handle out of the rolly luggage.
KEVIN
Yeah, good luck with that. Maybe when BEN AFFLECK gets back from the shoot, eh?
KEVIN NGUYEN rolls the luggage out of the house and out of his life. SONIC THE HEDGEHOG cries. His nipples untouched.
MEANWHILE on BEN AFFLECK'S PLANE
DEVON SAWA
Yeah, BEN AFFLECK. You can't fit that model train in my bellybuttonhole.
BEN AFFLECK
Oh yes I can.
DEVON SAWA
Oh no you can't.
BEN AFFLECK
Oh yes I can.
DEVON SAWA
Oh no you can't.
BEN AFFLECK
Oh yes I can.
DEVON SAWA
Oh no you can't.
BEN AFFLECK
Oh yes I can.
DEVON SAWA
Oh no you can't.
BEN AFFLECK
Oh yes I can.
DEVON SAWA
Oh no you can't.
BEN AFFLECK
Oh yes I can.
DEVON SAWA
Oh no you can't.
BEN AFFLECK
Oh yes I can.
DEVON SAWA
Oh no you can't.
BEN AFFLECK
Oh yes I can.
DEVON SAWA
Oh no you can't.
BEN AFFLECK
Oh yes I can.
DEVON SAWA
Oh no you can't.
BEN AFFLECK
Oh yes I can.
DEVON SAWA
Oh no you can't.
BEN AFFLECK
Oh yes I can.
DEVON SAWA
Oh no you can't.
BEN AFFLECK
Oh yes I can.
DEVON SAWA
Oh no you can't.
BEN AFFLECK
Oh yes I can.
DEVON SAWA
Oh no you can't.
BEN AFFLECK
Oh yes I can.
DEVON SAWA
Oh no you can't.
BEN AFFLECK
Oh yes I can.
DEVON SAWA
Oh no you can't.
BEN AFFLECK
Oh yes I can.
DEVON SAWA
Oh no you can't.
BEN AFFLECK
Oh yes I can.
DEVON SAWA
Oh no you can't.
BEN AFFLECK
Oh yes I can.
DEVON SAWA
Oh no you can't.
BEN AFFLECK
Oh yes I can.
DEVON SAWA
Oh no you can't.
BEN AFFLECK
Oh yes I can.
DEVON SAWA
Oh no you can't.
BEN AFFLECK
Oh yes I can.
DEVON SAWA
Oh no you can't.
BEN AFFLECK
Oh yes I can.
DEVON SAWA
Oh no you can't.
BEN AFFLECK
Oh yes I can.
DEVON SAWA
Oh no you can't.
BEN AFFLECK
Oh yes I can.
DEVON SAWA
Oh no you can't.
BEN AFFLECK
Oh yes I can.
DEVON SAWA
Oh no you can't.
BEN AFFLECK
Oh yes I can.
DEVON SAWA
Oh no you can't.
BEN AFFLECK
Oh yes I can.
DEVON SAWA
Oh no you can't.
BEN AFFLECK
Oh yes I can.
DEVON SAWA
Oh no you can't.
BEN AFFLECK
Oh yes I can.
DEVON SAWA
Oh no you can't.
BEN AFFLECK
Oh yes I can.
DEVON SAWA
Oh no you can't.
BEN AFFLECK
Oh yes I can.
DEVON SAWA
Oh no you can't.
BEN AFFLECK
Oh yes I can.
DEVON SAWA
Oh no you can't.
BEN AFFLECK
Oh yes I can.
DEVON SAWA
Oh no you can't.
BEN AFFLECK
Oh yes I can.
DEVON SAWA
Oh no you can't.
BEN AFFLECK
Oh yes I can.
DEVON SAWA
Oh no you can't.
BEN AFFLECK
Oh yes I can.
DEVON SAWA
Oh no you can't.
BEN AFFLECK
Oh yes I can.
DEVON SAWA
Oh no you can't.
BEN AFFLECK
Oh yes I can.
DEVON SAWA
Oh no you can't.
BEN AFFLECK
Oh yes I-
MEANWHILE at SONIC THE HEDGEHOG and BEN AFFLACK'S house.
The phonebells jingle and SONIC THE HEDGEHOG picks up the phone.
SONIC
Hello? This is my house.
MYSTERIOUS VOICE
Hello. This is your house.
SONIC
Wh-what?
MYSTERIOUS VOICE
Don't you recognize my voice?
SONIC
No. No I do not. In any capacity.
MYSTERIOUS VOICE
My voice has been used all over the place! You must be foolish and stupid!
SONIC
Nay, foreth the rainforest nibble at my bowels and my god have mercy on my nuggets,
MYSTERIOUS VOICE
You'd better listen to me, rat.
SONIC
Hey! I'm not a rat! I'm a hedgehog!
MYSTERIOUS VOICE
And I'm going to have sex with your boyfriend. Again. And there's nothing you can do about it.
SONIC
There would be something I could do with it if you all was truly American. Ya'll aint doin' yer part and I'm proud to be an American.
MYSTERIOUS VOICE
I don't know what that means. I am going to have sex with BEN AFFLECK
SONIC
Good luck. BEN AFFLECK won't even have sex with me.
SONIC THE HEDGEHOG spits into his own thumbed open underwear, in anger and in fear,,, and sadness, and lets the band snap shut. He sniffs his thumb.
MYSTERIOUS VOICE
But he'll have sex with me because I'm going to have sex with him. I'm calling to tell you this because you are his boyfriend, and you are ratchet.
SONIC
Yeah well I don't even know if he IS my boyfriend right now! How do you like that!?
MYSTERIOUS VOICE
HAHAHAHahahahahahahhAHA-
SONIC hangs up the phone and points at it as if it had personally offended him and not the voice on the other end.
SONIC
Cock!
SONIC huffs and sniffs his thumb again.
MEANWHILE at LOS ANGELES SECURITY, BEN AFFLECK is getting his bulge checked by LA TSA AGENT.
LA TSA AGENT (rubbing his bulge through his pants)
I'm sorry, I gotta check this. It has barbed scales on it like a pineapple.
BEN AFFLECK
C'mon, man! I already got checked on the way in!
LA TSA AGENT
I'm sorry, sir. HOLLYWOOD is a pineapple free zone. Do you know how many thetins die a year because of pineapples? That's why WHOLE FOODS stopped producing them. WHOLE FOODS knows best when it comes to thetin level intake.
BEN AFFLECK
Fucking scientology belt.
LA TSA AGENT *squeezing and pointing at him*
You watch your fucking mouth.
BEN AFFLECK looks for his mouth, but he can only see his blurry nose if he crosses his eyes.
MEANWHILE in the VOID, CORNWALLACE is dick deep in a rooster, which is dead. Dead, and hanging off hir massive herm dick. Hir giant titties—of which there are somewhere between nine and eleven of course (as a matter of fact (in fact (of course)))—are spewing warm breastmilk all over the soggy, fucked-to-death creature sheathing hir grotesquely large phallus. SWIPER. NO SWIPING is sitting off to the side on a couch, taking bong rips.
SWIPER. NO SWIPING *laughing like Seth Rogen*
Huhuhuhuhuh.
CORNWALLACE *continuing to fuck the dead rooster*
Yeah, yeah, I geddit. Dicking a cock. You think you're really funny, don't you?
SWIPER. NO SWIPING drops the bong to the floor and it shatters into somewhere between nine to eleven pieces. He continues to laugh like Seth Rogen.
SWIPER. NO SWIPING
Huhuhuhuh. Huhuh, huhuhuh. Huh.
CORNWALLACE
Also why the fuck did you describe me as a herm? That's fucking gross; that's like using the terms "trap" and "dickgirl."
SWIPER. NO SWIPING
Is it?
CORNWALLACE
I don't know, du. I only know what you know.
SWIPER. NO SWIPING
Oh, yeah. Sock accounts.
CORNWALLACE
No shit, Sherlock.
SWIPER. NO SWIPING
But I'm Swiper.
CORNWALLACE
:T
SWIPER. NO SWIPING
At least I think I am?
CORNWALLACE
Listen, I'm going to give you this chicken.
SWIPER. NO SWIPING
Rooster.
CORNWALLACE
Okay, it's the same thing at this point. I'm giving you this chicken, alright? I'm done here.
SWIPER. NO SWIPING
Huhuhuh, wait. What do you mean you're done?
CORNWALLACE
I mean I'm not fucking things to death for your amusement anymore. If you want that so badly, just fucking do it yourself.
SWIPER. NO SWIPING
Uh, okay?
CORNWALLACE tosses the soggy chicken carcass at SWIPER. NO SWIPING; it lands on him with a splash of bodily fluids. The kitsune with the massive titties, massive peepee, and a terrorism's worth of tails then turns and begins to walk away.
SWIPER. NO SWIPING *calling after hir*
Alright, but I'm not reading anything that happened up to this point, okay?
CORNWALLACE *flipping Swiper the bird*
Fine. Whatever.
SWIPER. NO SWIPING stares down at the chicken in his lap. It does not stare back, actually—its open beak and broken neck have somehow wormed its way onto SWIPER. NO SWIPING's itty bitty micropenis.
Something is cumming I mean COMING SHIT I'LL EDIT THAT IN POST?
Okay, so, where were we? Right. SONIC THE HEDGEHOG's boyfriend, MATT DAMON, is getting fondled by a TSA AGENT.
TSA AGENT
I got some God in my mouth once.
MATT DAMON looks very concerned.
MATT DAMON
What did you do?
TSA AGENT
Swallowed.
The TSA AGENT is still fondling MATT DAMON thoughtfully. There was something there before, something she was looking for, but it isn't there now. She frowns. Perhaps she was hunting for goodwill?!
TSA AGENT
Was I a man before?
MATT DAMON
I don't remember. Was I always this blond?
TSA AGENT
I'm pretty sure.
MATT DAMON
Huh. Anyway, who are you and why are you touching my penis through my WOOF Freeball Chino™ shorts?
The TSA AGENT cannot remember her name. She attempts to communicate this to MATT DAMON through a series of blinks, as she suddenly has also forgotten how to speak. She still kneads MATT DAMON's penis through his pants, which is growing ever harder and more prehensile. His penis, not his pants.
TSA AGENT
Glark.
MATT DAMON
Huh? I'm afraid you'll have to speak up, sonny, for I am old now and I have lost some of my hearing due to all the loud, crazy sex I have had with SONIC THE HEDGEHOG, my boyfriend.
TSA AGENT
Lurb.
MATT DAMON
Did you know that SONIC THE HEDGEHOG is voiced by Ryan Reynolds, who also voiced the first pansexual superhero?
TSA AGENT
Forndorn?
MATT DAMON
His name is Deadpool. Ryan Reynolds, I mean. His name is Deadpool. Not my boyfriend. My boyfriend is SONIC THE HEDGEHOG, I think.
I think the TSA AGENT realizes that she has forgotten how to speak because now she's emitting a hissing noise and crying. It's very distressing to suddenly realize you can't do something anymore, especially when you used to be able to do it. But this is her life now. Sometimes that is just part of growing as a human being; you have to realize when to cut your losses and move on.
TSA AGENT
Hh.
MATT DAMON
I mean, I know my boyfriend is SONIC THE HEDGEHOG but I only think he's my boyfriend because we might have broken up over the fact that I had to come here, to California, to reshoot the film about me being the superhero BATMAN, the volunteer firefighter who sells live bats to underprivileged children.
Thank you for completely and accurately recapping the story up until now, LEONARDO DICAPRIO, I mean MATT DAMON.
TSA AGENT
Hh.
MATT DAMON starts to make a Wembley in his WOOF Freeball Chino™ shorts thanks to all the attention. Do you know why they call it a Wembley? Apparently there's a stadium in the UK, see—
MATT DAMON
Excuse me, but—
TSA AGENT
Hh.
MATT DAMON
—I really need to be going to—
TSA AGENT
Hh.
Long strands of precum are dripping from MATT DAMON's shorts. I really hope you're not eating anything while you're reading this.
MATT DAMON
—the film place where they make the movies, and I'm worried—
TSA AGENT
Hh.
The TSA AGENT, even though she's dealing with this distressing lack of identity and sudden inability to vocalize any of her complex thinking, is still devoted to her job. God Bless the USA™. She finally decides that she is finished getting to second base with MATT DAMON and would like to move onto third™. Her trembling fingers make their way to the zipper on his shorts. I actually don't own a pair of WOOF Freeball Chino™ shorts so I don't know if they have a zipper or not—and I'm too lazy to Google it right now—so here is the part of the story where I ask you to write your Congressman and see if she can find out for me. Please send all letters to the following address:
SEN. KAMALA HARRIS
Number Number Number Street Name
City, SoCal—or was it NorCal—definitely not NoCal, 90210-22020-000-BoBoBoBo.
Thanks.
Meanwhile, in MOBIUS CALIFORNIA or MOCAL or wherever SONIC and MATT DAMON were before:
SONIC
I can feel it kicking!
We see SONIC laid up on the couch, rubbing his extremely massive belly. He has been impregnated by his boyfriend, MATT DAMON, when MATT DAMON, his boyfriend, stuck his penis into SONIC's cloaca and moved it in and out until he produced sperm. The sperm then fertilized SONIC's ovum, which resulted in a pregnancy. Boy, I sure hope SONIC hasn't accidentally been drinking any orange juice!
SONIC (drinking orange juice)
Boy, I sure hope that my boyfriend, MARK WAHLBERG, is back home in time for the birth.
Meanwhile! In LOS ANGELES!
MATT DAMON sits in the back of an Uber on the 101. The sticky, shrunken remains of the TSA AGENT are still glued to the front of his shorts. He pulls them off in strips and tosses them out the window.
OOVOO JAVER
That's organic material you're tossing out the window, right?
Beat as MATT DAMON finds what's left of the TSA AGENT's face, contorted in a scream. He looks at it momentarily, the eyeless sockets staring back into where his soul would be if he hadn't sold it to film The Great Wall, and then he drops it out the window. It hits the side of a passing car.
MATT DAMON
Yeah.
OOVOO JAVER
Okay, good, because here in SoCal we don't throw any cigarette butts or litter out the window.
Cut the outside of the car, which is half buried in shattered WHOLE FOODS™ kombucha bottles.
OOVOO JAVER
I mean, I don't know how they do it in NoCal, but—
MATT DAMON
Hey, hey, man. I'm not from NoCal. I live in MoCal, dude.
OOVOO JAVER
Oh, goodness. I'm sorry; I didn't mean to lecture you.
MATT DAMON (sarcastically)
Yeah, sure. I'm saying that sarcastically, just in case you didn't read the parenthetical stage direction that came after my name up there.
OOVOO JAVER
No, I mean it. I'm just so used to picking up NoCal refugees from the airport, I always feel like I have to let them know how we do things in Cali, you know?
MATT DAMON
Man, if you really cared about California, you would have tested my thetan levels as soon as I got in your car.
OOVOO JAVER
I figured they got you at TSA.
MATT DAMON
You can NEVER be too vigilant, do you understand?
OOVOO JAVER
I get it!
MATT DAMON
DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!
OOVOO JAVER
I get it! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
MATT DAMON pulls a little gelatinous hand off his pants and examines it. He pinches it between his forefinger and his thumb. The Uber pulls up to BIG MOVIE STUDIO. MATT DAMON steps out of the Uber, which then vanishes back into the invisible, gig-economy working class.
MATT DAMON (breathing in deeply)
Ah, smell that fresh SoCal air!
Above him the entire Verdugo Mountains are aflame, filling the whole San Fernando Valley with smoke. MATT DAMON coughs up a little blood. Some of it is his own blood, even.
MR. MOVIE PRODUCER GUY (offscreen)
BEN AFFLECK! You just made it in time. Hurry and get on set!
MATT DAMON enters a comical montage of running through various lots on BIG MOVIE STUDIO from films that you recognize: Video Game From the '90s Film With CGI and Live-Action Whiny Teen, Muscular Actor Kisses Actress After They Fight Three Times, Zombies That Move Very Quickly, Two Hours of Jennifer Lawrence for $22.50 In Theaters, Allegorical Horror Film About Race Written By White People, and All of the Superheroes But Some of Them Are Dead Now.
Finally he gets to the correct lot, and everyone's there waiting for him. MR. MOVIE PRODUCER GUY sits behind the only camera in a chair that says "Director." SHIA LABEOUF plays THE JOKER; WILLIAM H. MACY as COMMISSIONER GORDON; HUGH GRANT as ALFRED; CHANNING TATUM as ROBIN; DENZEL WASHINGTON as probably a five-minute, on-screen role as the Mayor of Gotham or the President of the United States or something; OSCAR ISAAC as ROOKIE COP WITH AN ETHNIC LAST NAME; and UNDERUTILIZED AND UNDERPAID ACTRESSES as CLOWN LADY WITH EXPOSED BUTTOCKS, CAT LADY WITH EXPOSED BUTTOCKS, and SHRUB WITH EXPOSED BUTTOCKS respectively.
MR. MOVIE PRODUCER GUY
Hurry, Batman! It's your line!
MATT DAMON runs into the shot and gets right in front of the camera.
MATT DAMON
Hello, I made a Batman.
MR. MOVIE PRODUCER GUY
Cut and print! That's a wrap, folks!
A bunch of hundred dollar bills flutter down from the sky, covering the lot. Everyone tries to grab as much as they can.
MR. MOVIE PRODUCER GUY
Hey, BEN AFFLECK, what are you going to do afterwards?
MATT DAMON (eyes tearing up)
I need to go home to my boyfriend, SONIC THE HEDGEHOG, whom I love and trust. I need to go put things inside of his cloaca.
MR. MOVIE PRODUCER GUY
You aren't hungry, are you? A couple of us were thinking about heading to Planned Parenthood for a bite to eat. Want to come with?
MATT DAMON
I don't know, MR. MOVIE PRODUCER GUY. I already flew all the way down to SoCal from MoCal just to make a Batman, and now my boyfriend whom I love and trust, SONIC THE HEDGEHOG, is upset with me because I couldn't stick things into his cloaca and make him produce his orgasmic cloacal slime all day.
MR. MOVIE PRODUCER GUY
Sounds rough, big guy, but I bet if you phone him up and let him know you'll be bringing a doggy bag back for him, he'll forgive you.
MATT DAMON (cheering up)
Hey, MR. MOVIE PRODUCER GUY, that sounds like a great idea! Thanks!
MR. MOVIE PRODUCER GUY (laughing)
Hey, that's what I get paid to do: come up with great ideas! Who else would bring you hit movies like Deadpool?
MATT DAMON pulls out his phone to call his boyfriend, SONIC THE HEDGEHOG, whom he loves and trusts. Back in MoCal, we see the landline ringing. A bloated arm reaches for it.
SONIC THE HEDGEHOG (off screen)
Hello?
MATT DAMON
Babe! I'm sorry about before when I left you before so I could go make the Batman movie again before. Are you hungry?
SONIC THE HEDGEHOG (still off screen)
Hungry... hungry...
MATT DAMON
Tell you what, I'm going out to dinner to celebrate making a Batman, and I'll bring you back a doggy bag of some of the finest fetuses L.A. has to offer. What do you say?
The camera finally reveals SONIC THE HEDGEHOG's gargantuan body. Things wriggle underneath its surface.
SONIC THE HEDGEHOG (breathing laboriously)
I'm so... hungry... Ben...
MATT DAMON
Alright, babe! I'll be home sooner than you can say make my cloaca sticky with love fluids. And believe you me, I'll be doing plenty of that with you when I get home. Semicolon, hyphen, closing parenthesis.
SONIC THE HEDGEHOG
Hungry... hungry...
The line clicks dead. SONIC THE HEDGEHOG's body has grown so large that he has engulfed the entire living room. One of his legs has broken through the window. His arms no longer reach the floor. He looks down at the TV. The child within SONIC's body gurgles and roars.
SONIC THE HEDGEHOG
Gotta... go fast...
OVER AT THE DINING SECTION OF PLANNED PARENTHOOD!
TERRY "LORETTA" GILLIAM (devouring a human fetus like corn on the cob)
Mm, mm, mm! If this fetus ain't just the lipsmackingest thing I e'er did lay my black, lesbian, and blameless eyes on!
RACHEL DOLEZAL (rubbing her finger on TERRY "LORETTA" GILLIAM's lips)
Save some for me, baby.
They kiss, exchanging strands of the fetus between their lips. Behind them, HILLARY CLINTON and her husband DONALD TRUMP found a viable, late-term fetus within their pile and have begun fighting over it.
DONALD TRUMP
It's mine!
HILLARY CLINTON
You had the last three!
DONALD TRUMP
You give that fetus to me, woman, or I'll release all the children from the basement of Comet Ping Pong!
HILLARY CLINTON
You wouldn't dare!
DONALD TRUMP
You just watch me! It'll be YUGE.
HILLARY CLINTON
God damn it—FINE.
THE LADY PRESIDENT relinquishes THE LORD PRESIDENT his viable fetus.
VIABLE FETUS
Da-da?
DONALD TRUMP
God, they're so much better when their eyes have opened.
HILLARY CLINTON (tearing an abortion apart and removing the bones)
Don't rub it in.
TRUMP bites into his fetus, which screams and sobs in a high pitched voice. Above the scene, a statue of BAAL, GOD OF DEMOCRATS, looks upon the feast lovingly. MATT DAMON sits at a table with MR. MOVIE PRODUCER GUY and BEN AFFLECK. A WANNABE ACTOR comes over to their table with a platter of steaming hot fetuses straight from the womb.
A WANNABE ACTOR
Here's your fetuses, fellas! Does anybody need a refresher on their drinks?
MR. MOVIE PRODUCER GUY
I'll take another tall glass of amniotic fluid, thank you.
A WANNABE ACTOR
No problem, sir!
He turns to MATT DAMON.
A WANNABE ACTOR
Forgive me, but aren't you BEN AFFLECK?
MATT DAMON (annoyed)
Yeah, I am.
A WANNABE ACTOR (visibly excited)
Oh my god I can't believe it's really you! Wow! I can't believe I'm serving you!
MATT DAMON (still annoyed)
Okay.
A WANNABE ACTOR
I loved you in that one movie; you know, the one where you played a jewel thief?
MATT DAMON (directly quoting Being John Malkovich)
I never played a jewel thief.
A WANNABE ACTOR
N-no? You didn't? Who am I thinking of?
MATT DAMON (still quoting Being John Malkovich)
I don't know.
A WANNABE ACTOR
Well, just as it happens...
A WANNABE ACTOR pulls out his screenplay from his back pocket. MATT DAMON rolls his eyes. BEN AFFLECK and the MR. MOVIE PRODUCER GUY try to stifle their chuckling.
A WANNABE ACTOR
It would mean so much to me if you could give this screenplay a read. I've been working on it for nine years now, and...
MATT DAMON (sighing)
Really?
A WANNABE ACTOR
Okay, get this. My fifteen-second pitch, okay? So it's about aliens, and—
MR. MOVIE PRODUCER GUY (clearing throat)
Ahem. My amniotic fluid?
A WANNABE ACTOR
Oh, uh, I'm sorry.
MR. MOVIE PRODUCER GUY
These fetuses aren't going to wash themselves down, you know.
A WANNABE ACTOR rushes back to the kitchen, failing to stifle his sobs. The trio at the table laugh and begin to pick through their mound of steaming fetuses. MATT DAMON picks at his food halfheartedly; BEN AFFLECK notices.
BEN AFFLECK
Hey, buddy, what's going on?
MATT DAMON (crestfallen)
I don't know, BEN AFFLECK. I'm just worried about my boyfriend, SONIC THE HEDGEHOG.
BEN AFFLECK cracks open a fetus's arm and begins sucking out the marrow. MR. MOVIE PRODUCER GUY rolls his eyes.
MR. MOVIE PRODUCER GUY
Boy trouble, huh?
BEN AFFLECK
Why don't you tell us about it?
MATT DAMON
I just love and trust him so much, you know? Sometimes it really scares me. It scares me to think that he might not love and trust me as much as I love and trust him, and it scares me to think that I love and trust him so much and he might not love and trust me, you know?
MR. MOVIE PRODUCER GUY
I can't say I understand, no. If he's giving you so much trouble, just dump him. Problem solved.
BEN AFFLECK
Hey, now, I get it. You love and you trust him a lot, don't you?
MATT DAMON nods, crying a little bit because he just loves and trusts his boyfriend SONIC THE HEDGEHOG so much. BEN AFFLECK reaches across the table and puts his hand on his friend MATT DAMON's shoulder.
BEN AFFLECK
You know, SONIC THE HEDGEHOG was once my boyfriend, too. And we loved and trusted each other a lot, and that was enough. So if there's anything you can learn from that, it's that sometimes you just have to love and trust each other, and trust and love each other, and love and trust and trust each other, and that's enough.
MATT DAMON
Thanks, BEN AFFLECK! You're right! I'm going to go home and stick things in his cloaca right now!
BEN AFFLECK
Hey, stick one in him just for me, would you? Semicolon, hyphen, closing parenthesis?
MATT DAMON (giggling)
Oh, BEN.
MR. MOVIE PRODUCER GUY
Check, please! Oh, and grab us a couple of boxes for these fetuses—we're going to be taking them to go.
A WANNABE ACTOR comes back to the table, visibly crying and shaking. He delivers the check and several boxes. MATT DAMON takes six fetuses for his loved and trusted boyfriend, SONIC THE HEDGEHOG, and lovingly stacks them in a box. He hums to himself as the trio makes their way outside, but he stops abruptly as a look of horror dawns on his face.
SONIC THE HEDGEHOG has now grown so large from his pregnancy that he has engulfed the entirety of MoCal and a good portion of SoCal. He looks forlornly in MATT DAMON's direction. When he speaks, his voice reverberates off the entire San Fernando Valley.
SONIC THE HEDGEHOG
How could you do this to me, MATT DAMON? I loved you. I trusted you.
MATT DAMON
SONIC!
SONIC THE HEDGEHOG
The baby is coming, MATT DAMON. The baby is coming NOW.
And with that, SONIC's body bursts like a balloon into a fine, meaty mist.
MATT DAMON
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
In the hedgehog's place, a gargantuan pale monster with a bald head and a giant mustache stretches towards the moon, dripping thick streams of albumen off its thousand-foot-tall body.
THE EGGMAN
HELLO—I—HAVE—FREE—FROM—EGG. IT—IS—A—LARGE—YES.
BEN AFFLECK (offscreen)
Holy shit.
THE EGGMAN's hand balls into a fist. Suddenly it comes down, cutting through the night air and slamming into a skyscraper—effortlessly punching a hole through glass and steel. Part of the building falls to the streets below, entirely wiping out a city block. THE EGGMAN retracts its limb and looks thoughtfully at the damage it has caused.
THE EGGMAN
LOVE—EGG. LOVE—EGG. PLEASE—SAY—HOORAY—FOR—A—NICE—EGG—TIME.
Fires begin in the decimated building, billowing smoke. Air-raid sirens begin to sound. Police sirens join in the chaos. MATT DAMON stands in the street, watching his child. Panicked citizens run around him.
MATT DAMON
Balls... off.
A thudding sounds as THE EGGMAN takes his first step towards his father. Another one follows. The streets shake and warp as though an earthquake is occurring, all thanks to the movement of the impossibly tall creature.
THE EGGMAN
APPEAL—TO—THE—GLORY—OF—EGG. EVERYBODY—LOVE—EGG.
We close in on MATT DAMON's awestruck face. Tears stream from his eyes.
MATT DAMON (reverently whispering)
Balls... way off.
Black.