she could feel the ocean fall and rise,
she saw its ragin' glory.
He feels as if lead had filled up every inch of his body. Makes up his bones, flows through his veins, beats a dull rhythm in his chest.
There was a gaze set on him, he could feel it - not Stark, though. Tony wasn't looking at anybody. As frustrated as he felt, probably. Agent Hill, in the corner, looking to her leader for answers he probably didn't have.
But Fury's gaze was heavy and near-unreadable, as always. But there was probably a little bit of disappointment there. Steve deserved that.
The wet slap of something on the centre consoled drew his eyes up, to see that Fury had thrown down a set of blood-stained trading cards. With his beaming face and shiny blue suit on them. Steve couldn't look away.
"These were in Phil Coulson's jacket," the Director's voice breaks through the tense silence, "But he is upstairs, walking around. Recovering. Expected to make a full recovery, actually." Steve picked up the card most-drenched in blood, hating the smile sent his way from a self long-forgotten. He can't help but feel some relief at Coulson's survival, but something holds him back from outright celebration.
And Fury keeps talking, and that relief shrinks further and further.
"Sakura used the last of her strength to heal him. Somehow. With previously-undisclosed abilities - a fact I'm willing to overlook," The one-eyed man's voice nears a drawl and Steve wants to punch him for talking about it so lackadaisically. "…She is currently unconscious. Low vitals, rejecting any blood transplants we attempt. Frankly, the odds of her making it are low."
Steve knows that. He knows, he knows, Fury doesn't- he hates hearing it aloud. It makes it realer and bleaker and… and just makes Steve angry.
Fury goes on, talking about the loss of communications on the ship, Thor and Bruce being lost, too, but Steve is still thinking about the girl upstairs that is dying. And then he gets sick of staring at the grin of a man long-forgotten, putting the card down just as Fury seems to direct his words to Steve particularly.
"…There was an idea, Stark knows this, called the Avengers Initiative," Steve's gaze travels to the genius. Tony doesn't look back. "The idea was to bring together a group of remarkable people, see if they could become something more. See if they could work together when we needed them to, to fight the battles that we never could."
Tony fidgets a little, and Steve knows they feel the same way in that moment. Despite all their differences, despite what they value or don't, despite everything - they both failed. They were both supposed to be a part of this outstanding group of individuals, fighting on behalf of the earth, defeating those considered untouchable, protecting those in need of it.
And they couldn't protect a girl with no memories - no obligations, who committed herself to a cause she had no debt to.
"Phil Coulson nearly died still believing in that idea, in heroes. Sakura… she will probably die. Not believing in these grand ideas, or the organization behind them, or even heroes. But believing in us." Tony pushes himself up from his seat, looking as if he may say something.
But, instead, he just walks away.
It's a temporary solution, Steve knows. There is only so much you can walk away from.
"Well… it's an old-fashioned notion," Fury says with a note of finality, crossing his arms behind his back. Steve's brow furrows, and he wishes he felt like yelling, thrashing, releasing all of his emotions in a way that resembles a burning fire.
But everything feels dulled down. He is exhausted, physically and emotionally, and his pain and anger only resemble the smouldering remains of a fire. Adrenaline is gone, replaced with guilt. Heavy and hard to stamp out.
Fury's gaze is on him again, but Steve has nothing to say to the other man. They are equally at fault for Coulson's injury and Sakura's… state. For sending her out to deal with forces she wasn't used to, and for not being there to stop those forces when she faced them head-on.
There is a sudden bustle of activity from just outside the room, and Agent Hill excuses herself quietly to see what it is about.
"Capt-"
"With all due respect, sir, I think you've said enough, for the moment," Steve cuts him off, his fists clenching in his lap, "And, for the moment, I don't believe myself fit of that title either." Fury sighs, and Steve just wants to run out of the room, but Tony already did that-
"Rogers. You aren't at fault here. No one is. Sakura could have, as far as we know, healed herself. She chose to help Coulson," the Director says, leaning forward to rest his hands on the table and stare purposefully at the blond-haired man. "She made a very selfless decision. Don't disregard that just so you can be angry at something."
Steve looks at the other man, looking into his singular eye to try and assess whatever laid within it. Fury's words made sense - he knew that - but at the sight of resigned acceptance in his gaze, Steve felt his frustration flare up again.
"I am angry that we sent this girl out in to the field despite her utter lack of involvement in this entire thing. She had no memories, no one else to turn to, and yet we still sent her out into some, some war because she was an asset-"
"Rogers, she became involved the minute she appeared out of that wormhole." Fury's tone is harsher, now, a warning of sorts, but Steve didn't feel like listening to it.
"The minute she appeared she had no choice! In case you forgot, she was taken, by that, that—" Steve knows his voice is rising, knows that Fury's eye is narrowing in annoyance, but he doesn't stop himself.
Instead, he is stopped by Agent Hill running in to the room, eyes wide and tablet clutched tightly in her hands.
"Director- sir," She is almost breathless, and Steve clenches his jaw at the odd excitement in her gaze. A misplaced emotion at a misplaced time, he thinks.
"We… we believe Sakura is healing herself."
Oh.
Not so misplaced, then.
Tony stares in undisguised intrigue - and maybe a little bit of awe - at the unconscious woman in front of him. A nervous medic mumbles a question at him, but he dismisses them, the wave of his hand a silent command that soon leaves just he and Sakura in the room.
Her skin isn't deathly pale, her pulse is a constant beat, her breathing is steady, and she's fucking glowing green.
Shit.
He owes Banner fifty bucks.
Bruce was sure that she was an alien-type thing from space - or from a different realm, whatever Thor's story was. Tony was sure that she was just some enhanced super-human. There is a fluid, translucent blanket of green energy surrounding the pink-haired woman and Tony admits to himself, sourly, that he lost.
He can also admit to himself that he has completely no idea - for once - how she is doing what she's doing. The green light had burnt the fingertips of a medic trying to check Sakura's vitals earlier on, but it seemed to do nothing to the girl, other than wave gently around her and heal life-threatening, irreparable blood loss.
Tony let out a vague whine, bringing his hand up to rub over his tired eyes. He hated not understanding things. It made him feel like he was five years old again, right before he began memorizing the periodic table of elements.
There is a sudden gasp of breath and Tony's hand drops quickly, the blurriness in his vision clearing quickly to take in Sakura. Awake. Awake, breathing harshly, bright green eyes darting around the room in a quiet panic.
"Whoah, whoah," He steps forward, hands hovering over her form as she pushes herself up to lean on her forearms. The green energy is gone, but there's still no guarantee that touching her is a smart thing to do. Her frantic movements pull at her IV's, and a machine starts to beep erratically. Footsteps pound from the outside corridor, and three medics enter the room one after the other.
They speak in hushed tones to each other, tapping at charts in their hands and completely ignoring the girl in the middle that is maybe panicking just a little. Tony's lip turns down slightly, and he decides to do her some mercy.
"Hey, yeah, excuse me," The three agents turn to him quickly, and he knows they forgot about his presence. "Uh, she sorta just woke up from a near-comatose, practically-dead state, maybe give her a couple minutes before you poke and prod, hm?" His stance is casual, hands tucked in his pockets, but the unwavering tone of his voice and slight frown on his face makes it known that his request is more of a command.
They seem to snap out of their medical-miracle-driven mind and realize the man they are… annoying. The three send nervous glances to one another, before muttering apologies and exiting the room much slower than how they entered.
Tony sniffs, scratching at his beard to avoid the intense stare of the pink-haired woman. She'll have a lot of questions, he knows, and it's just his luck that it's him here for once - instead of the vigilant, constant Captain Underpants - to answer them.
He pushes a small metal stool to the side of the bed, sitting in it gracelessly. His feet move idly side-to-side, body swaying listlessly in an attempt to ignore the dampened mood of the room. Sakura is still staring at him, but she must have tried to talk and found her throat particularly dry, because she only releases a raspy cough.
Tony pushes off, stopping the roll of the chair in front of the sink and filling up a paper cup, before pushing himself back to her side. The only noise in the room are her sad attempts at clearing her throat and the shaky squeaking of his chair's wheels - he has to say something.
She takes the water with a grateful nod, and Tony tilts his head curiously, taking in her awakened form. Other than the dry throat, there isn't anything visibly wrong with her. Her gaze is alert, the rise and fall of her chest uninterrupted. No bleeding hole in her goddamn chest.
"I wasn't exaggerating, you know," Tony finally settles on saying, resuming the swaying of his chair, "You really were dying. Should have died, actually. Nothing we were doing was working for you."
Sakura stared at him mutely, confusion swimming in her gaze. Tony sighs as he presses a few buttons on the smart-watch attached to his wrist. "So you worked on it yourself, I guess," He says as a hologram pops up, playing back footage of an unconscious, still-glowing Sakura.
This doesn't make Sakura "ahh" in understanding; instead, the confusion in her gaze triples and she sits up just a little bit straighter, mystified at the image of her own person. And Tony realizes his main question - how in the shit did she do that - won't be answered today.
"…I…" Sakura's voice is scratchy, and she places a hand over her throat, wincing at the discomfort that talking must cause. But Tony only looks at her silently, the slight nod of his head asking her to go on.
"…I… Cou-coulson is…" Tony smirks ruefully at her question, tapping the footage away and fiddling mindlessly with the device.
He cannot, for the life of him, pin down what to think of this woman. Her bright colouring and delicately-framed body completely contradicts her massive strength (entirely capable of fending off the Hulk - he has seen the video and saved it to three different hard drives). The energy she destroys and, apparently, heals with is unidentifiable, nothing like Tony has ever seen; alien, super-human, or otherwise.
Not knowing where she came from, retaining memory of her name and little else, dropping out of a Tesseract-fed wormhole… The only thing tying her to this entire mess is, honestly, the way in which she appeared. She has no commitment to either "side" (as far as they know), nothing linking her to S.H.I.E.L.D., or Rogers, or Tony, Banner, Loki— nothing.
She has dived head-first into a war that she doesn't know the first thing about.
Which is stupid.
…
But also, Tony supposes, the tiiiiiiiniest bit brave. Maybe.
Sakura is still staring at him, brows downturned, and he realizes he hasn't answered her question regarding Coulson. Whoops, probably thinks the guy's dead.
"Coulson's fine. Walked it off, basically," Tony watches as relief takes over confusion, and nearly smirks again.
If her intentions are genuine, this chick is nearly as empathetic and self-sacrificial as Rogers.
Yikes.
"You didn't need to do that, you know. You don't owe us anything - don't owe Coulson anything. Don't ever know the guy. Yet," Tony continues, grabbing the now-empty paper cup from Sakura's light grip and wheeling himself back over to the sink. He hopes the running of the water will muffle his little… speech. He tries to keep his tone as casual as possible to feel as least like Rogers as possible.
"You still jumped in the way of an attack. And when that didn't work, you used your mystic healing abilities - which we need to discuss, because wow - to heal him before yourself," His squeaky wheels are the next attempt at muffling the words he considers a little to emotional for Tony Stark.
"…That won't happen again. Something like that, I mean. I won't let it. Neither will Rogers, or Romanoff, or Fury, or any of us." He hands her the cup, lips turning down slightly at the honest emotion shining in her green eyes. He doesn't look long enough to decipher it, instead sighing loudly, dramatically.
"Never tell anyone I was that emotional. I'll kick you off of this thing, ok? Hm?" A slow smile spreads on Sakura's face, one that he does not like one bit, and he knows that whatever she says will be—
"Thank you, Tony. You are a very kind man," Tony cringes, scratching at his forearm and groaning exasperatedly.
"WOAH! Woah, oh, god, no, I- ugh. Okay. That conversation - that thing never happened. Ok? Ok," Sakura nods a bit-too-happily and Tony pushes himself to stand, not liking, again, the look in her eyes. He rubs the bridge of his nose in exasperation.
His tone is purposefully rough, and only makes her smile wider (goddamnit), as he bites out, "Think you can stand? Walk 'round a bit?"
"I-I can try…" Tony holds his arm out to her, which she takes gratefully, and allows her to lean most of her weight on him as she pushes herself up and out of the bed. Her knees wobble a little bit, and her hand clenches a little too-tightly around his forearm, and Tony forces out a cough to cover the noise of surprise at her tense grip. Sakura seems to realize this, loosening the tight hold of her hand and sending him an apologetic smile.
Tony only sighs.
"So, uh, is there… is there anything else I missed?" Sakura's voice is a bit more steady than her knees as they slowly make a small lap around the room. Tony cringes again, realizing he'll be answering a lot more of her questions than vice versa - the whole reason he had went to her room when she showed signs of waking.
"Well…" He sighs, pausing right as they reach the metal door to the room. There is a whir of activity on the other side - no doubt those medics itching to duck back in and invasively examine the pink-haired woman - that piques Sakura's interest. He doesn't move to open the door.
"…I guess I can start with this little initiative that's been floating around…"
Sakura takes her time walking through the halls of the helicarrier, wariness in her step and gaze. Everything seems to have come to a near-standstill around her, a drastic change to the panic that ensued during the attack. Tony stayed with her for a bit, while she washed herself up and changed into another borrowed suit from Natasha, but was pulled away to deal with something for Fury.
He rustled her hair, which had her sending him a mildly-annoyed glance, and told her to "take her time" before leaving and saying he'd find her later.
Walking around, stretching out disused muscles, is how she decides to take that time.
She feels no residual pain - a slight tinge in her chest when she moves too quickly, yes, but nothing hinting at the goddamn sceptre she got through her heart.
She doesn't remember the events leading up to it, or immediately after. The order of events is blurry, but what she does remember are the… feelings that dashed through her head at the time.
They must have had something to do with her past self (for lack of a better term). Colours and voices and people that looked familiar, and that final… instruction? Rule? Sakura cannot place names or memories on anything, but she knows it was all important.
And she knows, now, that she can heal. She is a healer.
It's jarring to think of what her hands are capable of. Destroying and repairing at the same time.
Sakura hopes its an ability that will become rusty and unused, but a sinking feeling in her gut tells her that hope probably won't come true.
She lets her feet guide her where they want to go, mind checking out in an effort to evaluate what theses new-found abilities meant for her, and what they meant for her… place, here. Sakura nearly winces when she realizes she has arrived at the former holding cell of Loki. Not the most pleasant of memories in that room, but… maybe it's just a place she needs to be.
For some sort of closure.
There is some guilt weighing her shoulders down - how things could have gone differently if she'd really paid attention to Loki and his movements. Recognized that fighting back against him wouldn't be a one-two-punch kinda thing. Then Coulson maybe wouldn't have been stabbed, and maybe wouldn't have nearly lost his life.
Despite the macabre tone of the thought, she doesn't consider herself vastly important in the grand scheme of things.
Yes, she wants to live, of course - live to find out who, what she is. But compared to the heroes and gods and wars around her? A firefly compared to the sun.
Her considerably self-deprecating thoughts are cut short as she enters the room, spotting a solemn-looking Steve leaning against the metal bars across the gaping hole where Loki's cage used to stand.
Another reminder of a stupid mistake - not stopping Thor from rushing in and getting caught in his brother's cruel trap. The man that seemed to consider her a real, actual ally dropped out of the sky because she didn't look ahead. Again.
But the heavy expression on Steve's face pulls her from this train of thought. His gaze is darker, mouth set in the harshest clench she has seen on him yet.
It's an expression that doesn't suit him, she thinks.
So she steps forward, silently winding her way to him, knowing he is far-too-engrossed in his own mind to realize she was there. Sakura ends up directly behind him, stumbling over the words she wants to say internally, before finally letting out a murmured:
"…I'm sorry…"
Steve spins around immediately, gaze narrowing for a brief moment before widening when he realized who she was. He takes a jarring step forward, movements jerky, arms reaching out as if to ask for an embrace.
But they're not nearly that close yet, so, instead, his large palms settle on her shoulders, grip clearly gentle out of wariness, or worry. His eyes dart down her figure, taking in the seemingly-healthy appearance of a woman who was seemingly-dying a day before.
"You're…" Steve seems to be as unsure about what words need to be said as she, "…you're up." Sakura cracks a smile at this, which makes Steve wince slightly. Not the most… outstanding words, but words that Sakura thinks is just right.
"And, you're… you don't have anything to be sorry about, Sakura," She opens her mouth to protest, immediately, wanting to go on about Coulson and Thor and Bruce and everyone and- But Steve doesn't let her, and continues, "You nearly lost your life to protect someone else, someone you barely know. But someone that's… one of us, I guess. I should be thanking you, and I should be apologizing, for not being there."
Sakura is at a loss for words for a moment, the earnestness shining in his blue eyes making her neck warm in embarrassment. To rid herself of the nerves suddenly swimming in her stomach, and draw her eyes from his honestly too beautiful to be fair sky-coloured gaze, she says with a huffed laugh, "Ah, Tony said the same thing."
"Uh, I did not apologize," A voice jolts the pair, making Steve withdraw his hands and Sakura take a nervous step back.
They turn to see Tony, himself, standing there, pose casual but exhausted gaze trained on the empty hole in the centre of the room. He seems to feel their gaze of him, shifting to look at them with a false half-smile, "Not my thing."
There is an awkward silence for a brief moment before Tony continues, "But I do agree. To an extent, Cap, so don't get too excited. Getting involved in something that… that you shouldn't be involved in, kid. No matter who you are, how you got here, it's not… This isn't your battle." Sakura opens her mouth, to either say he said this before or it's far too late for her not to be involved or rebuke him calling her kid, but Steve beats her to the punch.
"I think that's enough, Stark. We don't need to berate her right now, we need to-"
"Berate her? No, nuh-uh, this isn't berating, Cap, this is being real with her."
"Well it sure sounds like you're talking down to her, Stark."
Sakura feels a misplaced sense of deja-vu, and simultaneously feels like the two men have forgotten she is there entirely. Tony is making his way casually towards her and Steve, in a lackadaisical way that seems to only annoy the blonde-haired man further.
Talking to the men one-on-one is an entirely different experience than seeing them interact with each other. They seem to either be on the brink of becoming best friends or mortal enemies, Sakura thinks with a slight air of disappointment. Steve and Tony seem to know where to poke and prod to get the other going - and she has only seen them interact a couple times. She can't imagine how real the underlying tension between the two is if she can point it out after very few observational instances.
The slightly-pleasant Tony and awkwardly-polite Steve disappear when placed face to face, it seems.
Tony's gaze narrows as he takes a step up the stairs and comes to a literal head with the larger man.
"Rogers, in case you didn't realize, two people nearly died because some stupid decisions were made."
Steve seems to puff up at this, and Sakura herself feels some indignation rising, "What Sakura chose to do was incredibly selfle—"
"She was out of her league! Her and Coulson both, you know it. She- they should have waited. They should have-"
"There wasn't really much of a way out!" Sakura nearly shocks herself at the volume of her words, her temper finally flaring at being the example the two men throw around to try and get their point across. Steve and Tony turn at her, both gazes reflecting how taken-aback they are by her outburst. That doesn't really matter, now.
"…Everything I have done up until this point, every decision I've made since… waking up, here - I take responsibility for all of my actions. I always will," Sakura blames the adrenaline and painkillers pumping through her system for allowing her to be so open with her words.
"I worked with Loki because I thought he could help me. Help me… get home, get my memories back, something. That was a mistake. I admit to that."
"That," Sakura's hand darts out, pointing just beside the bickering men. Steve and Tony both look at the bloodstains she is pointing to with some resigned guilt that only pisses her off more.
"That is not a mistake. Or stupid. Or selfless. It's just… another decision I've made," God, she hopes this rambling makes some sort of sense, "And I may not have been a part of this, or-or this wasn't any of my business beforehand, but it is now. Nothing you say or think will change that."
Steve and Tony are silent, staring at her - the former with slight worry and awe, the latter with slight calculation and curiosity. The weight of their gaze is so intense, and the adrenaline seems to be wearing off, so Sakura has to clear her throat to get rid of the tight lump in it.
"Well," Tony says, finally, with an exhaled sigh, "Reindeer Games made it personal, then."
Steve directs his attention to the man in front of him once more, tone still exasperated but a little less terse, "I'm not sure if that's the point."
But Tony seems resolute in this thought, and says firmly, "That is the point. That's Loki's point. He hit us all right where we live. Why?" Steve's answer is brisk, and a point they have all surely come to, "To tear us apart."
Sakura moves forward, coming to stand beside the two men as Tony continues, working out his thought process as he speaks, "Yeah, divide and conquers, great, but- he knows he has to take us out to win, right? That's what he wants," Tony waves his hand around, realization seeming to dawn on his face with every word he says.
"He wants to beat us, he wants to be seen doing it… he wants an audience." Steve and Sakura glance at each other, seeming to come to the same sort of conclusion as Tony.
"…Like in Stuttengard," Sakura breaths out, Steve nodding in agreement as Tony walks around the two, nodding and pointing in approval.
"Yeah, that's just previews, this is- this is opening night. And Loki, he's a full-tilt diva. He wants flower, he wants parades, he wants a monument built to the skies with his name plastered…." Tony stops suddenly in his grand explanation, expression pausing as one final, massive revelation seems to fall on him.
Steve seems to straighten up slightly, understanding the train of thought of the other man with the tilt of his head and lifting of an eyebrow.
"Son of a bitch."
Sakura is lost. Again.
He feels a wide smirk spread across his face, and allows it to do so unabashedly.
Everything is sliding in to place. Tearing apart those pathetic excuses for heroes, reclaiming his sceptre, killing that mindless agent and that…. woman.
Loki feels the air of victory swirling just above his head and cannot wait to touch it in a matter of hours. The Midgardian scientist is nearly finished creating the device that will allow the Chirauri to invade this puny planet, and it seems almost too easy to attack such a defenceless planet.
But he's not one to complain about unfair fights.
Loki peers over the edge of the balcony, quietly enjoying the height provided by this tower claimed in the name of movement of people and machines below is, once more, reminiscent of tiny ants wandering a world they cannot survive.
He is pulled from this thought as he hears the scientist call his name, and turns to acknowledge the man.
When he spins around fully, though, he is not on the roof of the Midgardian tower.
No, instead Loki finds himself in that utterly dreadful throne room (for lack of a better word). The world around him is dimly-lit, only assisted by the far-off shining of stars and planets and galaxies alike. He sits, back towards him, hovering in his throne and seemingly-untouchable. Loki despises him.
The Other stands directly in front of him, circling around a rock protrusion and unseen gaze set on the god of mischief. Loki is annoyed by him.
"The moment of reckoning for this Earth is nearly to begin, yet you call me here for one of your mindless drabbles? Your precious Chitauri grow eager for battle each passing moment, yet you mock them by—"
"The girl."
The booming, endless voice that cuts off Loki's rant makes something within him tremble. Just for a moment.
It is very rare for Thanos to speak directly to him, choosing instead to have his missives presented by The Other. Loki cannot tell if this change is a particularly good or particularly bad thing. He can't seem to find his voice in the moment, only tilting his head downward to acknowledge the words of the massive man.
"The pink-haired one lives. I have use for her. Bring her, through the portal - to me."
The sinking of his stomach tells Loki that it is most decidedly a bad thing.
/an/
ah ! i'm sorry there was such a long wait for this! life got a little busy, and then i got very sick and looking at the computer screen for too long made me want to throw up so i had to write this in small increments djhshdkdfs
a little-less-exciting chapter, but a necessary one! sakura can heal herself, yay! you know what that implies ;))))) actually does that imply anything lmao but yes we got to see some tony / sakura interaction, steve being his golden retriever self, a sliiiiighhttt twist on that one scene between tony / steve because coulson didn't die. soooo i had to find some sort of inspiration for them to put aside differences to team up. and a little self-sacrificial, speech-giving sakura was the solution aha and oh shit ! what does the ending mean ! read 2 find out !
thank you for the favourites and follows, seeing them while i was pushing to write really motivated me. but the reviews are even bigger motivators ! thank you for such kind words everyone ! please please if you liked this chapter, leave a review and let me know - it truly makes my day / means the world to me / etc, etc, etc.
thanks for reading !