October 2019

"Where is she?!"

Rafael burst into the Emergency Room, clutching Noah's hand firmly. The boy – dressed as Harry Potter, ready for an evening of trick and treating – looked around frantically, eyes wide. The hospital was busy; there were police officers everywhere and it was noisy too, people rushing about, other's crying. He held on tightly to Rafael.

"Counsellor."

Noah looked round at the sound of the familiar voice. But seeing his Uncle Fin didn't ease the funny feeling in his stomach. He spotted Aunt Amanda too, leaning on a wall further down the hall. They looked sad.

"Where is she, Sergeant?" Rafael asked again, more urgently, trying to sidestep past him. "Olivia!"

Hearing his mom's name shouted with an emotion he didn't understand but frightened him nonetheless, Noah turned to look back at Rafael. He saw his Uncle Fin place his hands on Rafael's shoulders. "She's in surgery," he said. "The doctors are doing everything they can."

Rafael's shoulder's slumped and Fin, concerned he was about to crumple to the floor, led him to one of the hard, plastic chairs and helped him sit down.

This is not how the night was supposed to go. Olivia was supposed to come home – he'd moved in back in February – and together they were going to take Noah on his rounds of the neighbourhood, collecting candy. A trip to the ER had not been in the plan.

Rafael had just finished drawing the lightning bolt scar on Noah's forehead when his cell phone chirped from its place on the kitchen counter. Assuming it was Olivia letting him know she was on her way home, he'd let it go to voicemail. But when it rang again a moment later, he'd stood and retrieved it, frowning when he'd seen Carisi's name on the display.

The moments after were a blur. He remembered hearing the words 'Olivia' and 'shot' before Carisi's voice was drowned out by the roar of blood rushing in his ears. He'd zoned back in just enough to comprehend that the ambulance was on route to Mercy Hospital and then, acting on auto-pilot, had grabbed Noah's hand, ran outside and hailed a cab.

"Uncle Rafa?" Rafael turned at the sound of Noah's voice, to find the almost eight-year-old looking up at him. "What's happening?" He felt sick; there was too much noise and everyone around him was upset. His mom wasn't here, and someone said something about surgery – Noah knew that meant an operation. Had something happened to his mom?

Noah had, naturally, questioned what was going on in the taxi, but Rafael hadn't had any answers for him. And as he watched the young boy's eyes dart around the waiting room, he realised he still didn't.

"Noah…" he took a breath. "Momma got hurt at work today."

The little boy gasped – even though he'd suspected, he wasn't prepared for it to be true – his bottom lip beginning to wobble. "Is she okay?"

"We've got to wait for the doctors to come out and tell us," Rafael explained. He wanted to tell him it was all going to be okay, but he couldn't lie to the boy he had come to think of as his son.

Amanda, however, didn't have any such qualms. "The doctors here are really good though, Noah," she said, approaching and kneeling in front of him. "The best. They'll have your mom better in no time. I tell you what, why don't we go and get you a juice box, huh? And maybe some candy?" She looked at Rafael for permission.

"But I want to stay here with Uncle Rafa!" the boy protested.

Noah's voice almost broke Rafael's heart and he almost gave in to his demands. But, he needed to speak to Fin – to find out how they'd ended up here – and Noah didn't need to be present for that. Swallowing, he ruffled Noah's hair. "I know, but I need you to go with Aunt Amanda. She always puts too much milk in my coffee and I need you to make sure she does it right, okay?"

Noah nodded slowly. "Okay, Uncle Rafa." He stood and took Amanda's hand, allowing her to lead him down the hall towards the cafeteria.

Once he was sure the boy was out of earshot, Rafael turned to Fin. "What the hell happened?"

"Kid came into the squad room asking to speak to a detective. Rollins and Carisi were already on their way out and I knew Olivia wanted to get home to take Noah out, so I said I'd deal with it. I'd barely taken two steps towards him when he grabbed Officer Flynn's gun and started shooting. Bastard got off three rounds before Carisi took him out from the hallway."

"And Liv?" He almost didn't want to know – at least that way he could keep pretending. But he had to ask.

"Gunshot wound to the stomach."

"Shit," Rafael breathed, visions of Sergeant Mike Dodds flashing through his brain.

"The bus was on the scene within minutes," Fin assured. "She's got a good chance. And y'know Liv. She's a fighter."

She was most certainly that and that thought gave Rafael a flicker of hope. Olivia was strong; she wouldn't give up on him and Noah without a fight.

"Did Carisi…?" He trailed off, unable to process his thoughts into a coherent sentence.

Fin seemed to understand, however, clapping him on the shoulder. "Don't worry counsellor, the bastard was dead before he hit the ground."

Rafael nodded a little uncomfortably. As much as he hated the man for doing this to Olivia, to their little family, he wasn't as enthusiastic to learn of his passing as Fin was. It was probably some holdover from his years attending Mass. He wondered for a moment how Carisi, being from a similar background, was handling it. He hoped IAB – which was where Rafael assumed he was now, as he hadn't seen him – weren't too hard on the guy.

"Uh-oh," Fin muttered. "Incoming."

Rafael lifted his head and saw Dodds approaching. A groan escaped his lips before he could stop it. He wasn't in the right frame of mind to deal with the Police Chief at the moment.

"I got it," Fin told him, standing. He didn't really understand the relationship between his friend and the ADA, but he made Olivia happy and right now he looked as if his whole world was ending.

"Chief…"

Not long after Chief Dodds arrived, Olivia came out of surgery and was settled in ICU. The doctor said the surgery had gone well – Olivia had lost a lot of blood, but they'd managed to stem the bleeding by repairing the internal damage and she'd remained stable throughout the operation. Now, it was just a waiting game.

Rafael had called his mother and asked her to come and take Noah home. She'd arrived armed with food for everyone but after they'd all eaten, Noah refused to leave with her, clinging on tightly to Rafael's leg. Not wanting to cause Noah any additional trauma to what he was already experiencing, Rafael relented and allowed him to stay.

They managed to persuade Noah to let Rafael go and sit with Olivia, although the boy wasn't happy that he couldn't go in too. Lucia placated him by suggesting he use the crayons Amanda had found for him to draw a picture for his mom.

"You didn't let Lewis beat you." Rafael spoke quietly in the silent room. Although it wasn't really silent. Monitor beeped around them and he could hear the hiss of the IV machine. He was seated on the edge of the chair, leaning forward, one of Olivia's hands clasped in his. She looked so small lying still and silent in front of him. And she was pale. So very pale. "You never let anything beat you. You're the strongest woman I know Liv and I can't…" He trailed off glancing up at her face. His eyes were burning. His throat ached. "I love you. I need you."

Rafael ran a hand through his hair. He shook his head. "Noah needs you too." He knew it was harsh, to bring her son into it but, if Olivia would fight for anything it would be the sweet little boy she'd claimed as her own seven years ago. Even before it was official, Olivia had been his mom. He'd needed her then, but he still needed her now. "He's going to be eight next week. What's he going to do without his mom. Will he even remember you?"

Leaning forward again, he continued. "I mean, we won't let him forget you, but what good are pictures and stories when he won't be able to hear you laugh. Or shout at him. Or tell him how proud you are when he passes his driving test, or graduates, or gets accepted to law school." He looked at her for a response then; he was always teasing that Noah would follow in his footsteps, but she of course, disagreed. Not today though, today she just lay there. Rafael tried a different tactic. "Who's going to tell him he's not allowed to go to Hudson U?"

When that didn't illicit a response either, he fell back on a pillar of his childhood. Prayer. He lifted Olivia's hand to his lips and pressed a gentle kiss to her knuckles, before begging a God he wasn't even sure he still believed in to let her live.

He sat like that until the doctor came in to check Olivia's vitals a couple of hours later. Only then, when there was somebody with her, did he allow himself to leave to check on Noah. He knew he was in good hands with his mother, and she was more than capable of dealing with any emotional outbursts he may have. All was quiet when he entered the waiting room. Noah was curled up next to Lucia as she sang softly to him in Spanish – a song Rafael recognised from his own childhood – but was fighting sleep.

When he saw Rafael, he bounded out of the chair and over to him. "Can I see Momma now?"

"She's still sleeping, amigo." Rafael sat next to his mother and patted the chair on the other side of him. The little boy sat down dutifully.

"Your mami needs lots of rest after her operation," Lucia added. "She might be asleep for a while yet."

Noah sighed. "Oh."

Wanting to distract Noah, Lucia suggested he show Rafael the picture he'd drawn to help make Olivia feel better.

Noah retrieved his drawing and returned to Rafael's side. He handed him the paper and began pointing. "It's you me and Momma," he told him. "When we went to the fair."

Rafael could see that. Noah had drawn a rather intricate roller coaster in the background and one of the characters was holding something that looked like candyfloss. Rafael smiled at the memory. Olivia had chastised him for buying Noah such a large sugary treat, but in the end, it had worked out to their benefit. Noah hadn't been able to finish even half of it, so the adults had shared what remained.

"Uncle Rafa?"

Rafael turned to face Noah, the boy's words breaking into the fog of his brain.

"If Momma dies…"

"Noah, she made it though the operation. Let's be positive, yeah?" Rafael couldn't bring himself to think about the prospect of losing Olivia, especially not after it had taken them so long to find each other.

But this question had been playing on Noah's mind and he needed to know. "But if she does, what happens to me? Who'll look after me?" He dropped his head, looking at his shoes. "Will I have to go and live with Uncle Simon?" he asked quietly.

Noah had never met Olivia's brother, but knew of his existence through cards and gifts he'd received for Christmas and birthdays. And he was old enough now to realise that the aunts and uncles from the SVU squad weren't technically his family.

"You'll…" Rafael opened his mouth to answer before realising he didn't know. He assumed Olivia would have some plan in place, written into her will – she knew the nature of the job and she wouldn't leave Noah's fate to chance, or the New York foster system – but they'd never talked about it. He'd never asked. He'd let her walk out of the door every morning, knowing that today could be the day she didn't come home, and he'd never thought to ask about what would happen to her son if today was that day. The thought that she could get hurt or killed at work wasn't one he liked to dwell on, so it wasn't at the front of his consciousness, but the way they functioned together as a family – although neither of them had used that word – was, so it hadn't even occurred to Rafael that Noah would be anywhere other than with him.

He was the boy's father in many ways – he helped with homework, read to him, took care of him and chastised him when he needed it – but as he sat there, with Noah now looking up at him expectantly, he realised that none of that mattered in the eyes of the law. If Olivia didn't make it through this – Noah would be taken from him and, legally he had no rights to prevent that from happening.

In that moment Rafael knew three things. One: he would fight like hell to keep Noah – the legal system be damned, two: if – when – Olivia woke up he would speak to her about some sort of paperwork for him and Noah, and three: he couldn't tell Noah any of this. He needed to feel safe and secure; not worried about the future.

He'd always prided himself on being honest with the young boy at his side, in an age appropriate way, of course so, after a moments pause to find the words, he spoke quietly, but firmly. "I don't know exactly what will happen, Noah but I know your mami will have made a plan." He felt Lucia's eyes burning into the side of his head, unable to believe he and Olivia hadn't discussed such an important issue, but he did his best to ignore her and focus on Noah. "And we have to trust that plan, because your mami is a very smart person."

Noah nodded. "Almost as smart as you," he said with a smile, repeating the teasing words he'd often heard spoken between the two adults.

Rafael scoffed. At this point in time he was willing to admit there were some areas in life where Olivia was smarter than him. A Harvard degree didn't equate to common sense; if it did there would be no question of what would happen to Noah because he'd have already thought to sort it out. Hell, if it meant Olivia would survive, he'd relinquish all claims on being the smartest – she could have the title. It would be worth it to know that she was going to be okay.

Rafael pulled Noah onto his lap and kissed his head, burying his nose in the boy's curls, letting the sweet smell of his shampoo comfort him for a moment. Drawing back, he looked Noah in the eye. "You know, Noah, no matter what happens to your mami, no matter who ends up taking care of you, I will always – always – be there for you."

"Always?"

"Always," Rafael repeated.

"Does that mean…" Noah stopped, shaking his head. "Never mind."

"No, go on," Rafael pressed gently. The boy worried his bottom lip between his teeth. "It's okay, Noah. You can ask anything, you know that."

He and Olivia had tried to instil in Noah that he could come to them about anything, without fear of judgement. They wanted him to feel he could approach them with difficult questions or topics so that as he would get the 'right' answers, as apposed to looking elsewhere for them.

When Noah spoke again a few moments later, his voice was small, and his gaze fixed on his sneakers. "I just wondered if that meant you were y'know, like, my dad?"

Unlike the circumstances of Olivia's will and Noah's guardianship, this was something the couple had discussed. After Rafael and Olivia had finally admitted to each other how they felt, she'd questioned if he truly understood what he was taking on, dating a single parent. He'd told her he wasn't 'dating a single parent', he was 'loving his best friend' and he made sure she knew that he was in their relationship for the long haul and that he knew what that would mean in regard to Noah. He had stepped into the role of father-figure almost immediately and, when he moved in, that was only reinforced. Olivia hoped that one day, Noah would come to call Rafael 'Dad', and had even tentatively mentioned suggesting it to him, but Rafael was wary about forcing anything. His counter proposal was to stick to the status quo; if he continued to act like a father, Noah would make the correlations himself and if he felt comfortable, would either start calling Rafael, 'Dad' or would ask to.

It appeared that time had come. Rafael just hoped that Olivia would wake up to see their hopes come to fruition.

Rafael slipped from his chair and knelt in front of the boy who he thought of as his son. "Noah, if you want me to be your Dad then there is nothing – nothing – I would like more."

The boy's face brightened. "Really?"

"Of course, mijo."

Noah's eyes widened – he knew enough Spanish to know what that word meant. He leaned forward and flung his arms around Rafael's neck.

Lucia, who had been watching the exchange, shuffled along the seats and placed a hand on Rafael's back. "Rafi, mijo, estoy tan orgullosa de ti."

Meeting his mother's eyes, he offered her a watery smile. "Gracias, Mami."

The three of them stayed like that for a few moments until the sound of the door opening drew their attention. It was one of the nurses from the ICU.

"Mr Barba, Olivia is awake."

Relief flooded Rafael as he stood and approached the nurse. "Can I see her?"

The nurse smiled and nodded. "She's asking for you."

He moved to follow the nurse but felt a hand tug at his jumper. Turning back, he found Noah looking at him with a puppy dog expression. "Can I come too, Dad."

"Let me check on her first, okay mijo? You stay here with my…" he looked at his mom and smiled, "… with your abuelita."

Lucia – who looked as if she'd won the lottery – took hold of Noah's hand to allow Rafael to step away.

"I'll come get you if your mami's feeling up to it, okay?"

Noah retrieved his drawing and handed it to Rafael. "Will you give her my picture?"

"I sure will, mijo. She'll love it."

He followed the nurse down the hall and into Olivia's room. His eyes lit on her, awake. She still looked pale, but Rafael had never seen a more beautiful sight. Placing Noah's drawing on the chair he'd been sat in only half an hour ago, he approached the bed and sank down onto the mattress beside her. "Hi."

Olivia's gaze swept over him. He looked drawn, and tired. When he took her hand, she smiled weakly at him. "Hi."

Rafael leaned over and brushed his lips over hers. "You scared me," he whispered. "I thought I was going to lose you." His hand cupped her cheek and he stared into her face. "I love you."

Olivia smiled and tried to shift her position on the bed. That was mistake, she felt the throbbing of the incision sites as pain radiated to her left side. She took thin, shallow breaths, letting out a small whimper.

Rafael pulled back and pressed the morphine pump into her hand. "It's okay," he said quietly, voice thick with emotion, "you're alright." The hand that had been cupping her cheek brushed her hair away from her face. He let his hand linger there, fingers combing gently through her hair, thumb stroking her temple.

She hummed again. "Trying to move is not a good idea." Olivia took a thin breath. She didn't want to be too medicated, not yet anyway. She wanted to see him. Her eyes fluttered open again and she looked up at him.

When she seemed to relax, Rafael lifted her hand in his. He drew it to his lips. Even in the dim lighting of the room, he could make out the shifting colours of her eyes. His thumb stroked the back of her hand while he inhaled deeply. He never thought he'd look into those beautiful eyes again. His hand slid out of her hair to stroke the familiar lines of her face, as though committing them to memory. "Liv." It wasn't over, and the pain wasn't gone, not completely. The terror, the sense of loss that had settled over him was still there. And he didn't think it would be leaving him anytime soon. Imagining a world without her, it had ripped at him, and left him torn and bleeding.

"Shhh…" She crooned quietly and tugged her hand out of his. She cupped his face. "I'm still here." The pain in his eyes made her heart ache. She drew her bottom lip between her teeth. "Rafa."

The whisper of his name, the inflection that only she used. His eyes closed as his head inclined and he turned his face toward her palm. It shuddered through him, just how close to losing her he'd come. His jaw clenched. When he looked at her again, his throat ached. Emotion burned behind his eyes. He shook his head, fought through the thick lump in his throat.

"I'm okay, Rafa," she whispered, her thumb stroking his face. "I'm okay." His pain was a tangible thing. She hadn't realised in the brief time she'd been awake, just how bad it was or how traumatic it must have been for him, for the squad, for– She gasped. "Noah?"

Rafael swallowed. "He's alright. He's outside with my mom, actually." At her raised eyebrow, he explained. "Lucy was going to a Hallowe'en party – when Carisi called I had to bring him. Then he wouldn't leave. He's stubborn, like his mom." He drew away and plucked Noah's picture from the chair, passing it to her. "He made you this."

Olivia smiled as she took in her son's artwork. "I want to see him."

"Well, I was thinking I could use my powers of persuasion to sweet talk one of the nurses – y'know, sneak him in for a few minutes. I'm sure once he sees you're okay, he'll be much more amenable to leaving with Mami."

Unfortunately for Rafael, the nurses were not persuaded. ICU was not a place for children. So, as he often did in his daily life, he made a deal. "He can't come in, but we've compromised." He handed her her phone, retrieved from the small cupboard by her bed. "You'll need this," was all he said, before he disappeared again.

The next time Olivia saw Rafael, he was stood at the large glass window that faced her bed, and he had Noah – who was really far too big to be carried now – in his arms.

Her heart fluttered. She pressed her fingers to her lips when they began to tremble. Tears blurred her vision. Olivia lifted her other hand in a wave. When he pressed his hand to the glass and leaned toward it, a wide smile on his face, she gave a watery chuckle. Moments later, Rafael had his phone out and was calling her. She answered, and he passed the phone to Noah.

"Hi Mom!" He had a hand pressed to the glass, and looked between it and the phone as he spoke

"Hi sweet boy," she crooned quietly. "Thank you for the drawing. I love it."

Noah beamed at the praise. "Did the doctors make you all better?"

She smiled warmly at the concerned, compassionate boy her son had become. "They did, but I'm going to have to stay here for a little while longer while I heal."

"Okay Momma."

"I hit a home run today in gym class!" he said brightly.

Olivia listened as he told her about that and a dozen other things that had happened at school that day. He was so precious and perfect, and wonderful, she felt tears filling her eyes again. As he spoke, Olivia hummed and nodded, replying at all the right junctures.

When her eyes began to droop, Rafael called an end to the visit. "Hey mijo, your mami needs to take a nap now, and the doctors need to give her some medicine, okay?"

"Okay. Bye Mom!"

She pressed her fingers to her lips, blowing a kiss to Noah. "Bye, sweet boy. Oh," she remembered, "your costume looks great. I'm sorry we didn't get to go trick or treating."

Noah shrugged. "It's okay. Aunt Amanda bought me candy and new crayons. And Dad says I'm going to stay with Abuelita and she always has candy." Noah missed the look of surprise on his mom's face at his words, but Rafael didn't. "Bye Mom! Love you." Noah touched the glass again, and then wiggled to get out of Rafael's arms.

Once her son was out of sight, Olivia tipped her head back and closed her eyes. She could feel the painkillers beginning to take effect. The pain that had been a tidal wave earlier, was now only a dull roar. She opened her eyes again, a few moments later, at the sound of Rafael returning. He sat back into the plastic chair at the side of her bed and took her hand, lacing their fingers together.

"Mami's taken him home. She'll get him to school in the morning."

Olivia nodded. "Did he…? Did he just call you Dad?"

Rafael smiled bashfully. "Yeah. He asked earlier. He was worried about what was going to happen to him if you…" He couldn't say it, just waved his free hand between them.

"Oh, my poor sweet boy."

"It's okay, Liv," he reminded her, squeezing her hand. "You're here. You're alive."

She nodded through her tears.

"But maybe," Rafael continued, "we should think about cementing my position in Noah's life… legally, I mean."

A small, tired smile curved her lips. "You sure you want that? To be stuck with us"

He raised an eyebrow. "There's been no getting rid of either of you for a long time." Stroking his thumb along the back of her hand, he grew serious, "The thought of losing you was bad enough, but when I realised I might lose Noah as well. God, Liv. I don't know what I'd do without him. Not only that, I didn't even know what would happen to him. We've never talked about it."

"Nobody likes to talk about death, Rafa," she reminded him, stifling a yawn. "But you're right we should talk about it, and we should get some paperwork for you too."

"We will. But not tonight." He reached up to tuck her hair back behind her ear. "You need to rest."

Nodding, she let her eyes drift closed again. "Stay," she asked quietly.

"Oh, mi amor, wild horses couldn't drag me away." He lifted her hand to his mouth and kissed it, mirroring his actions of a few hours earlier. Except this time, there was hope.