Chapter Thirty-Seven

John closed and locked his bedroom door, pulling out the old shoebox that he kept all his secret possessions in, opening it to show the Playboy magazine he'd stolen when he was thirteen just to see what a naked woman looked like, the empty beer bottle from his drinking days, an old cigarette butt from his first pack, and the old lighter that had run out of juice so many years ago when he'd first lit up. He ran his hand over the Playboy, catching himself as he looked at the scantily clad woman on the cover. "No." He stated, taking the magazine between his hands and ripping it in half.

He jumped as his doorknob jiggled before Claire's voice made its way through the wood. "John? Are you okay?"

John shoved the pages of the magazine into the box, sliding it under his bed before answering the door. "I'm fine." He smirked, pulling her into a strong kiss to clear his mind of the woman on the cover. "But I'm better now that you're here." He smiled, letting her walk inside of his room.

"What's this?" She asked, picking up a ripped page of the Playboy, noticing that the image was half of a naked woman. "John!" She turned on him, hurt clear in her eyes. "A Playboy?"

He held his hands up in submission, pointing at the page. "I got that when I was thirteen, and I haven't looked at it for more than six months because I've seen it so many times I got bored with it, and then I met you."

"Are there any others?" She asked, tossing the page into the garbage can. "Or have you graduated to videos?"

John swallowed, knowing that he'd screwed up. "Claire, I've never seen one of those videos in my life. Why would I even want to see one? I had everything I needed to see with my Dad defiling my Mom every three days." He shuddered at the memory, his skin crawling with the image. "I only had the magazine because I was curious as a horny thirteen-year-old kid." He forced his temper down, knowing that the whole house could probably hear them fighting. "And I ripped it up!"

Claire crossed her arms, glaring at her boyfriend. "Yeah, just now!"

He rolled his eyes, stepping toward her. "Because I have you to keep me from jerking off!"

She scoffed, looking down at the corner of a shoebox poking out from under his bed. "What's in here?" She asked, grabbing the box and dumping it out on his bed. She picked up the bottle, shoving it in his face. "Were you drinking?" She snapped, tossing the bottle in the trash with enough force to shatter the glass. She picked up the cigarette butt, tossing it out too. "And you're still smoking?"

John grabbed the box, shoving the whole thing in the trash, wincing as the broken glass cut his hand. "Those are all old! The cigarette butt was my first one, and the bottle was just something that I kept for a reason I don't remember now. That magazine was the only thing I've used int the last year, and I haven't even opened it since my birthday last year!"

She raised her brows, looking at her boyfriend with shock written on her face. "So, you pleasure yourself on your birthday then?" She watched as his face seemed to turn red with anger, his eyes going pitch-black. "So, are you going to be expecting something from me in December on your birthday too?"

John bit his lip, heaving a breath to try and control himself. "I don't expect anything from you!" He turned to the wall, balling his fist as he resisted the urge to punch the wall. "That was the only good thing that I saved for my birthday and holidays. It was the only nice feeling in my life before I met you."

His voice was dangerously quiet, and Claire knew she'd stepped over a line. She dropped her gaze, not realizing how bad John felt over the magazine. "You're bleeding." She whispered, reaching for his hand.

"I'll take care of it." He stated, pointing to his door. "Get out."

Claire touched his shoulder, jumping back as he raised his hand to her.

He stopped himself at the last second, the black anger in his eyes, turning yellow fear. "Get out." He breathed, pushing her out of his room and slamming the door, tears already running down his cheeks.

She listened at his door as he began destroying his room, wishing that she'd just kept quiet about the nude. She pressed her hand to his door, flinching as an animalistic scream ripped from his throat. She knelt on her knees, leaning her head against his door as she heard something fall to the floor and John's voice shout a string of curses as loud as he could. "I'm sorry…" She choked out as tears streamed down her face, her heart breaking with the thought of the damage he was doing to himself. "I'm so sorry…"