AUTHOR'S NOTE: the lyrics to Gruber's "love song" (and I use the term VERY loosely) are mine. My most sincerest of apologies to the memory of Maestro Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky, and to his fans, for making a mockery of his music.

Gruber used a warp pipe to get to the Mushroom Kingdom. He figured he'd head to Toad Town first, thinking, since Toadette was a Toad, she probably lived there. Of course, finding Toadette wasn't going to be easy. After all, he didn't know her name, and he didn't necessarily want to knock on every single door in town asking the citizens who she was, or where she lived. However, he was in luck. Just as he wandered into Toad City, he saw Toadette walking with Toad. They were heading for a place called the Tiki Lounge, which was basically just a bar that specialized in non-alcoholic tropical juice drinks and smoothies.

"Eureeka!" Gruber shouted. He ran across the street, stopped in front of the bar, and waited a few moments to get control of himself. After all, he didn't want to appear too eager. Once he calmed down, he stepped into the bar.

Gruber looked around, and saw Toadette sitting at a table by herself. He cleared his throat, and walked over.

"Hiya, cutie," he said.

"Ummm . . . ." Toadette said, giving the Goomba a weird look. "Hi?"

"Do you believe in love at first sight?"

"Huh?"

"Because if you don't, I can walk by again!"

Toadette groaned, rolled her eyes, and turned away. Gruber cleared his throat, and decided to try again.

"I'm a thief," he said, "and I'm here to steal your heart!"

"Oh brother," Toadette muttered, rolling her eyes again. This time, she turned away from Gruber.

Gruber wasn't out yet. He figured third time was the charm, so he went for one more.

"Your dad must've been an awesome baker," he said. "Because you have really nice buns!"

Toadette's eyes grew wide when she heard that, and she smacked Gruber across the face. Gruber shook his head to regain his composure.

"Okay, that was dumb of me," he said. "I shouldn't have said it. Let me buy you a drink to make up for my blatant stupidity."

"No thank you," Toadette said. "I don't drink with strangers."

"Okay . . . ."

Gruber paused for a moment, thinking about what to do next. Then another idea struck him.

"My name's Gruber," he said. "Now can I buy you a drink?"

"No!" Toadette shouted.

"Hey, Toadette!" Toad shouted, approaching the table carrying a couple of drinks. "Who's this Goomba?"

"Buzz off, buster!" Gruber shouted. "This is between me and Cutie-Face here!"

"Cutie-Face?" Toadette repeated.

Gruber head-butted Toad in the stomach to move him out of the way. Toad stumbled backwards and spilled both of the drinks all over himself. Gruber, of course, didn't pay any mind to him. He just jumped onto the seat next to Toadette, and moved in, quite uncomfortably close.

"Your eyes are like limpid pools of primordial ooze," he said, waving his eyebrows up and down. "And I am the protozoa that wish to swim in their depths."

"Check, please!" Toadette shouted, nervously, scooting away from Gruber.

"Okay, that does it," Toad said. "I'm gonna go get Peewee!"

"Peewee?" Gruber asked. "Oh yeah, like I'm really scared of a guy named Peewee! Look at me, I'm shaking like a leaf!"

Gruber began to laugh hysterically, until a giant shadow loomed over him. He looked up, and saw the biggest Toad he had ever seen in his life. He was a hulking brute, with muscles that could easily crack open a macadamia nut. He snarled, and picked up Gruber by the top of his head.

"Wh-wh-who is this guy?" Gruber asked, nervously.

"Peewee," Toad said, matter-of-factly. "He's the bouncer of this place."

"Is dis guy annoying youse, Miss Toadette?" Peewee asked.

"Yes, he is," Toadette said.

"I'll take care 'a him for ya," Peewee said.

The giant Toad then crumpled Gruber like a piece of paper, and hurled him out of the bar like a baseball. Gruber sailed clear across the street, and smashed into the side of the wall, popping back to his original shape.

"Anybody get the license number of that truck?" he asked, dazedly, stumbling around a bit. He shook his head to gain his composure, and began walking away.

"See if I ever patronize that joint again," he said. "Oh well. Minor set back. At least it wasn't a total loss. I found out Dream Boat's name, after all! All I need now is to find out where she lives!"

Gruber walked into the nearest phone booth, and opened the phone book inside of it. He used his feet to turn the pages until he got to the T section. When he found what he was looking for, he ripped the page out of the book with his teeth, and ran off.

"Don't fret, my little fungus love muffin!" he shouted, as he ran toward Toad Town. "Your little Goomba god of love will be yours tonight!

It was about one o' clock in the morning when Gruber made his way to Toad Town. He found Toadette's house easily. It was a two-story mushroom shaped house with a pink roof, surrounded by a little white picket fence.

"This is the place all right," Gruber said, checking the phone book page. "Now to get my supplies."

Gruber ran off, and returned shortly afterward, balancing an old phonograph and a pitch pipe on his head. He checked to make sure the record on the phonograph was correct, wound it up, and set the needle on the record. Then he blew into his pitch pipe.

"Me-me-me-me-meeeee," he sang, warming up a bit.

The notes to the love theme from Tchaikovsky's "Romeo and Juliet" filled the air, and Gruber began to sing.

Toooaaaaaadeeeeeeeeeeette!

I love you oh-only!

Without you IIIIIIIIIII'm

So very lo-oh-onley!

You are so beautiful

And you have a nice tush!

Lights went on in every house in Toad Town upon hearing this. Gruber was positively the worst singer in the entire Mushroom Kingdom. Several Toad babies woke up crying from the noise.

"You know," one Toad mother said to her husband, while trying to rock their baby back to sleep, "someone should find that poor animal and put it out of it's misery!"

Toadette wasn't to thrilled with the noise, either. She got out of her bed, and walked out onto her balcony to see what all the noise was about, and found Gruber in her yard, warbling his love song to her. When Gruber saw her, he began a second chorus.

I loooooove yooooooouuuuu!

Love, love, love, love, love yooooouuuu!

Love, love, love yoooooouuuuu!

You get the picture, toots?

I love you, baaaaaay-beeeeee!

"Oh no," Toadette groaned. She then ran off the balcony, and back into her house.

"Where's she going?" Gruber asked. "Oh well. Guess I'll just keep singing."

You're gooooorrrrrgeous!

You're one bodacious babe!

And all I want to doooooo

Is be yoooooouuuuuurrrrr

Little Goomby-Wooooombaaaa!

By this time, Toadette had returned to her balcony with a bucket of water. She dumped the water over Gruber's head, and threw the bucket over him as well.

"Good night!" she shouted. Then she stormed back into her bedroom, and slammed the balcony door shut.

Gruber sputtered, and shook himself a bit, trying to get the excess water off of him.

"Hmm," he said. "Must be a music hater. Better try something else."

Since Gruber was using the music from "Romeo and Juliet," he decided to take a page out of the source material. He ran off again, taking his phonograph with him, and returned wearing a flat cap with a gigantic feather in it, and balancing a ladder on top of his head. He set the ladder against Toadette's balcony, and began climbing.

"But soft! What light through yonder window breaks!" he shouted at the top of his lungs. "It is the east! And fair Toadette is the sun!"

Not only was Gruber tone deaf, he was also a huge ham. His overdramatic shouting woke Toadette again, and she was not amused.

"Oh no," she groaned. She grunted frustratedly, got out of bed, and went to her balcony just to see what in the world this stupid Goomba was up to this time.

"Oh Toadette! Toadette!" Gruber shouted, melodramatically. "Where the heck art thou, Toadette! Deny thy Toads, and refuse them all, but be sworn to me, and I'll be an extremely happy camper!"

"Oh brother," Toadette sighed, just as Gruber made it to the top of the ladder.

"Hiya, sweet cheeks," he said. "How's about a kiss for your little Romeo?"

Gruber then closed his eyes, and leaned towards Toadette, with his lips puckered. He began making kissing noises at her as well.

"Ew!" Toadette shouted. Immediately, she grabbed the ladder, and pushed it away from the balcony as fast as she could.

"Aaaaaaaaiiiiiiiieeeeeeee!" Gruber shouted as he fell. He wound up landing flat on his back.

To further discourage the amorous Goomba, Toadette ran back into her house, and returned to the balcony carrying a flower pot, and she dropped it. It was right on target, hitting Gruber directly on the head.

CRASH!

The flower pot broke upon impact, and covered Gruber with dirt.

"Get out of here and let me get some sleep!" Toadette shouted. "Honestly!"

Toadette stormed back into her house, and slammed the balcony door shut once again. Gruber shook himself to regain his composure, stood up, and left.

"Guess she's not a patron of the classics," he said. "Okay, never mind. I love a challenge, anyway. I'll win over my little honey-bunny-butter-butt, one way or another!"