She didn't know how long she had been watching him.
B'Elanna returned to their quarters after a long shift to find Tom sprawled across the sofa, eating popcorn while animated figures ran across the television screen. That he didn't notice her come in would have irritated her in the past, but today she was simply happy to see him there. For the moment, she could push all the worries and insecurities of the last three weeks away and concentrate on the man in front of her. She would never admit it to Tom, but it was a domestic tableau she would never take for granted again.
She still felt the tingle of their reunion rushing through her, eighteen hours after Tom had found her in Engineering. She'd been exhausted, and he'd been a little bit unsteady on his feet from the Doctor's treatments, but neither excuse had tempered their desire to get reacquainted. Waking up in the morning, her body curled up against his, her hand on his chest reminded B'Elanna of the first night they'd spent together after her encounter with the isomorph, Dejaren. And B'Elanna was pleased to note that whatever the Quarrans had done to Tom, it hadn't affected his bedside manner.
She bit back a smile as she listened to Tom chuckle at the action on the TV. Her time on Quarra had certainly not changed her opinion on cartoons; she still found them inane. She didn't understand why the coyote continued to chase after the roadrunner after so many failures. Tom had tried to explain it to her before but none of his justifications ever resonated with her, and eventually, he'd given up. The coyote ran off the screen and another cartoon began, this one featuring disproportionate figured animals and humans, their antics eliciting laughter from Tom and she wanted him to explain it all over again to her.
B'Elanna slipped onto the sofa, scuttling over to Tom; her husband was so very intent on the television and didn't notice when she leaned in to kiss him on the cheek. He did look at her second kiss, a gentle, longer one on his jawbone.
"What was that for?" he asked, surprised, as B'Elanna settled down next to him.
"For taking care of me even when you didn't know who I was." Tom's smile was warm with affection, but then she punched him in the arm.
"What was that for?" he asked, wincing and rubbing at the spot.
"For flirting with your customers!" B'Elanna answered playfully.
"I was a victim of mind control," Tom protested.
"Uh huh," B'Elanna said teasingly as she helped herself to some of his popcorn and snuggled closer, reveling in the feel of his cheek against hers. Tom slipped his arm around her, pulling her close. "Smooth recovery, Lieutenant."
There was a glint of recognition in Tom's eyes. "I thought so," he said. He turned off the television as he nuzzled her ear and then asked, "How was your day? I noticed you put in more than a shift today." A note of reproach sneaked into his voice.
"We're still short-staffed since the crew is recovering at different rates, so I stayed a late to catch up," B'Elanna answered. She'd managed to get the transporters properly aligned and then in the morning, she planned to look at the inverse transducers and the warp coil buffers. She'd left reversing the polarity of the deflector dish to Vorik, who'd seemed up to the task. She shifted her position, finally settling against the opposite armrest, and Tom lifted her feet onto his lap. She closed in her eyes in contentment as he expertly massaged away the day's stresses.
"You promise to take it easy?" Tom asked.
"Vorik is good for gamma shift tonight and Joe will be back tomorrow," B'Elanna said, knowing that she couldn't possibly slow down, not now, but mentioning her second-in-command might mollify Tom's concern. She leaned her head against the back of the sofa. Tom caressed her hand, playing idly with the gold band, newly replaced on her finger. The Quarrans had finally given them back their personal possessions and for that, both Tom and B'Elanna were grateful. Before getting the rings back, Tom had offered to replicate new bands and B'Elanna had agreed, despite feeling the new rings couldn't possibly take the place of the ones taken from them. Thankfully, it hadn't been necessary. Other losses wouldn't be so easily replaced.
"I didn't see Joe today," Tom said. Since Voyager was still at a standstill in the nebula while undergoing repairs, Tom had taken a shift in the Mess Hall, which had been set up as an auxiliary medical bay, while a mostly recovered Pablo Baytart had manned the helm. "How is Joe doing?"
B'Elanna frowned. She'd stopped into Sickbay to check on her remaining staff and most of them had nearly recovered from the trauma inflicted upon them on Quarra. It was hard to saywhat the long-term effects of the engram tampering and subsequent reversal would be, not to mention the psychological effects. Samantha Wildman, for example, had been separated from Naomi Wildman, and Naomi had been adopted by another family. It had been heartbreaking for Sam to learn Naomi had developed an affection for the other family. And she knew the stories would be the same across the ship.
"You know Joe. Always calm, stiff upper lip," B'Elanna said finally. She twisted her hands together as she recalled new worry lines crinkling across Carey's forehead as they spoke. "But he did tell me he felt profoundly violated by the abduction. He was working at the Power Facility too, but in a different division." She leaned her head against the back of the sofa as she contemplated Tom. "Chell seems to be having a hard time though, and I don't know when Nicoletti will be back because her headaches are so terrible, and analgesics don't seem to be doing much to ease the pain."
Tom nodded. "There are a few like Sue who seem to be struggling with the memory recovery process. I asked the Doctor about long-term consequences about what the Quarrans did to us, about what was in those inoculations, not to mention neural resequencing," Tom said soberly. "He said we'll just have to wait and see what happens, but he's hoping given the relatively short length of our stays on Quarra that the damage is minimal, but obviously he'll be running neurological scans for some time to come."
"Great. Just what I need. More sessions with the Doctor."
Tom took a long deep breath. "I would be surprised if we came out of this incident completely unscathed. The Quarrans developed their technology without taking alien physiology into account. Different species may react different ways, which would account for why some people are having a harder time than others with their recovery." His blue eyes were sad with worry. "I guess we can count any side effects as another souvenir from the Delta Quadrant."
"Yeah," B'Elanna said softly. She hadn't even thought about the medical consequences of what had happened to them. "Imagine what happened to people who were taken years ago. Is there any hope for them?" She couldn't remember whether Amina had ever told her how long she'd been on Quarra. Now she wondered if it was even possible for Amina and the other victims to even return home.
At that, Tom sucked in his breath and his grip on B'Elanna's hands tightened just slightly.
"Thank God for Chakotay, Harry and Neelix," he said. "If it hadn't been for the fact they were on an away mission, no one would have ever known what had happened to us. We would have been on Quarra for the rest of our lives. As it was, we lost three weeks of our lives, and if it had been longer, I would have missed - I would have missed the baby."
B'Elanna looked down at their intertwined hands and shivered at the thought.
"Cold?" Tom asked and because she could feel a lump forming in her throat, B'Elanna nodded.
Tom rose from the sofa. "Let me get you a blanket," he said.
B'Elanna leaned her head against the back of the couch, watching Tom as he rummaged through the drawers. Like her, he still experienced the occasional moment of fogginess, where he couldn't quite remember even the most basic things, like where they stored their spare linens. To remember so much yet to have those moments of blankness frustrated both to no end. Finally, Tom found the blanket and held it up to show her in a gesture of mock triumph. B'Elanna smiled encouragement back at him.
"Crazy, isn't it, how difficult even the simplest things can be right now?" he asked; B'Elanna knew exactly what he meant.
"It'll get better," she told him gently, not necessarily because she believed it, but because how could it be otherwise?
Tom laid the blanket gently across her legs and then sat back down next to her.
"I have a confession," she said.
Tom arched his eyebrow. "Don't tell me – you fell for a handsome waiter on Quarra."
B'Elanna shook her head. "I read your logs, when I was trying to find out about us... you."
"Anything interesting?" Tom's expression remained neutral, but B'Elanna thought she detected a strained note in his tone. B'Elanna's heartbeats quickened as she plunged ahead with the explanation she hoped Tom would accept.
"I know it was an invasion of your privacy, but I- I didn't believe it when Neelix told me we were married. I thought my baby's father had left me and that's why I'd come to Quarra. And when I learned the truth, I didn't understand why someone like you who could have anyone at all would want me-"
"Don't ever say that." Tom's voice took on an edge as he grabbed her hands in his. He took a deep breath and then said, "B'Elanna, I hope you found what you were looking for in my logs and that you never have to ask that question again."
"I won't," B'Elanna said very softly. Even if she forgot the exact words he used in his logs, she knew she would never forget how revelatory his feelings about her were. "I've never been good about letting people in, and whatever the Quarrans did to me, that part of me hadn't changed. Your logs reminded me just how far I've come, how far we've come."
This seemed to satisfy Tom. "The first time you came into the restaurant, I felt like I needed to be with you." He tipped his head back, staring up at the ceiling for a moment before turning his attention to B'Elanna. "Seeing you was always the highlight of my shift."
"And you made me feel less alone," B'Elanna told him.
At this, Tom's expression softened. "When I originally talked to you, I was convinced you were going to punch me."
B'Elanna couldn't help but smile at the memory. "I certainly thought about it. I was suspicious when you were nice to me. I certainly wasn't expecting that! But then you turned out to be the Tom Paris who always kept me off guard. The way you used to be."
"The way I used to be?" Tom arched his eyebrow.
"During our first year or so in the Delta Quadrant," B'Elanna said, feeling increasingly flustered. "When I doubted your motivations, you know, because you were nice to me. When you put up with my bad moods because no one else would. I couldn't understand because no one else cared enough to do that. You were like that on Quarra, Tom. And I had to keep reminding myself I couldn't fall for you."
"So, you did find me irresistible!" this time Tom's voice held a hint of humor. "Maybe in time, I would have convinced you."
"Maybe," B'Elanna said with a sly smile. "But I was pretty determined not to get involved with anyone. Though you did tempt me." She paused.
Tom was quiet for a moment, his expression pensive.
"What is it?" she asked.
"You would have been alone," he said. "I didn't think about it. Or you might have found someone else..."
"No," B'Elanna said. "I wouldn't have."
Tom got from the sofa, started to pace the length of the room, his hand running through his hair, his shoulders tight with tensions. B'Elanna watched him, not speaking. How long were these realizations of what might have happened going to haunt them?
After a moment, Tom paused and looked back down at B'Elanna. She held out her hand to him, he took it and she pulled him down onto the sofa with her. He pulled her close, burying his face against her shoulder, his body trembling in her embrace.
"Tom," she whispered. "What is it?"
"I'm just realizing all of the things I never considered before," he said shakily. He hugged B'Elanna close to him, so that her head rested against his chest. His arm wrapped around her body and rested on her stomach, and as if on cue, the baby aimed a well-placed kick towards his palm. "I didn't realize how much I have to lose now."
"I know," she whispered. "I know." And then his lips were on hers, and she closed her eyes as she let the moment fall away from them.
The next morning, B'Elanna woke to Tom's singing in the sonic shower. She stretched out lazily, her hands over her head as she listened to his nonsense lyrics. She could only imagine what lullabies he would come up with when their baby was born.
She turned on her side, putting her hand on the indention in Tom's pillow where his head had been. The indention was still warm, and she inhaled deeply, loving that his scent still clung to the bed linens. She was still curled under the covers when Tom emerged from the bathroom, dressed in his uniform and his hair neatly combed and trimmed to regulation – the epitome of a Starfleet officer; all superficial traces of his life of a waiter on Quarra had been erased.
"Hi," he said. The tenor of his voice was warm, almost caressing.
"Hi yourself," B'Elanna answered drowsily as she took in the sight of her husband. Husband. How good it felt to think of him in that way. He came to sit on the edge of the bed, taking a second to lean over and kiss her on the cheek.
"Sleep well?" he asked.
"Better than I have in weeks," she said sincerely, and then with a twinkle in her eyes. "You do have a way of making me relax." She stretched, releasing the sleep from her muscles.
He brushed a strand of hair away from her cheek. "Are you hungry? I'll make you some toast before I need to leave."
A few years ago, B'Elanna would have bristled at his offer of breakfast; the old B'Elanna was fiercely independent, didn't want or need anyone to do anything for her. Now, with a calmness that grew out of maturity and a sense of belonging, B'Elanna understood the implications better. Tom wasn't insinuating she couldn't take care of herself, he simply liked doing things for her. And to her surprise, B'Elanna enjoyed his solicitous care.
How far we've come, she thought.
"That sounds perfect, thank you," B'Elanna said. She smiled, remembering how he'd offered on Quarra to bring her some peanut butter toast, and then on a separate occasion, the wholly satisfying meal of fried chicken and potato salad. "You always know exactly what I want, don't you?"
"It's in my best interests to keep you happy."
Lazily, B'Elanna said, "And you do a very good job of it. Thank you."
"No, thank you." Tom leaned in for another deep kiss and then, with some reluctance, got up. "Full day?"
"Oh yes. I'm meeting Carey and Seven at 0900 for a level one primary diagnostic. Thanks to the Quarran pirate attack, we sustained some hull damage so we'll need to plan an EVA for early next week." She frowned, thinking through the logistics. She wasn't a big fan of space walks, but without access to a space dock, there really wasn't another option for hull repair. But even before they could commit to the EVA, she also needed to know her staff was fully back to speed; a moment of mental cloudiness in the cold vacuum of space could have tragic consequences. "I'm hoping Vorik or Nicoletti, if she feels up to it by then, will be able to handle those by then, otherwise Chapman will have to step up." She twisted the blanket around her hand as she talked. It felt like an ordinary morning, ordinary conversation, but still a shadow fell across their interactions. She wondered when that feeling would pass.
"Pablo Baytart has the helm today for Alpha and Kristine Fernandez says she can take Beta shift," Tom said genially. "I'm planning to spend today with the Doctor but depending on Baytart, I may have to take Gamma at the helm." He gave her an apologetic look.
"It's all right," B'Elanna said, trying to inject a tinge of bravado she didn't quite feel into her voice. She knew she would feel his absence tonight in a way she'd never had before, but she could take comfort in the little signs that signified the life she and Tom were building together: from his toaster to his television, her bat'leths and engineering tools, and of course, the crib at the foot of the bed. She smiled brightly. "Maybe I'll stop by the Bridge then," she said. "I can always find something to do from my Engineering station there."
"I'd like that," Tom said, his expression brightening at her suggestion.
He replicated a couple of pieces of bread and then popped them into the silver toaster on their dining table. B'Elanna curled on her side to see him better. He was humming under his breath as he busied himself with finding plates and then getting out a jar of peanut butter and knife. Tom seemed like his usual self this morning and certainly, he seemed to have vanquished the dark mood which had briefly haunted him last night. Still, B'Elanna knew Tom had a habit of shutting her out when he needed her the most.
"You're feeling better today?" she asked.
Tom took a moment to respond and when he did turn to him, she could see his jaw working, the tremble in his lower lip. But when he spoke, his voice was clear, steadfast. "I wouldn't say that. Anxiety comes with the neighborhood, you know? Once you lose your sense of safety and belonging, it's hard to ever feel the same about the way things were." He turned to the replicator, his fingers running expertly over the LCARS panel. Two cups of coffee appeared, which he placed on the table. "Breakfast is served."
B'Elanna recognized the expert change of subject and chose not to push. They would deal with the scars Quarra had left them with over the coming days, weeks, months, and maybe even years. She paused in the bathroom briefly to splash some water on her face, and then joined Tom at the table. To her surprise, Tom had filled a vase with a colorful bouquet of lilies, snapdragons and roses and set it next to her plate. B'Elanna looked at him in surprise. His smile was tentative as she gently stroked a velvety red petal.
"What's this?" she asked softly.
"Before we hit the subspace mine, I'd been planning a romantic dinner for us as a surprise for you," he answered as he pulled her chair out. "I'd just replicated the flowers and I was about to check when you'd be home for dinner when the red alert sounded." His jaw tightened.
B'Elanna recalled the dead flowers she'd thrown out when she'd first returned to their quarters. She'd contemplated the mystery of their presence at the time, but in the rush of emotions that followed her reunion with Tom, she'd completely forgotten about them.
"They're beautiful," she said sincerely, inhaling the sweet fragrance deeply. He must have spent all of his rations on these. "But why now?"
Tom gazed at her earnestly. "Our lives were interrupted that day," he said, "but consider this a first step, a promise, that whatever it takes, we'll put ourselves back together." He knelt next to her, his hands on resting lightly on her belly, his face upturned to hers. His voice cracked ever so slightly as he said, "We're not going to let them take this from us."
B'Elanna touched his cheek lightly, her fingers quivering as she traced the contour of his jaw. He turned his face into her palm, kissing the skin there lightly. "Never," she whispered back. "You know what you said last night about having so much to lose?"
Tom glanced towards the crib and then back to B'Elanna. "Yeah."
"I never wanted to need anyone. When I was growing up, I did my best to push everyone away. I ran away to the Academy and I didn't 'need' anyone there either and see what happened to me. I suppose if I hadn't found the Maquis, I'd still be running. Or maybe not. Who knows?" she was rambling now but didn't care. "When I came on board Voyager, I certainly didn't want to need anyone and especially, you."
"You don't have to tell me that," Tom said. "I was there, remember?" He got to his feet and picked up B'Elanna's empty plate to deposit it into the recycler. "We've come a long way from the people we once were. There's nothing wrong with needing someone." His lips twisted into a crooked grin. "I know I do."
B'Elanna reached across the table and grabbed Tom's hand.
"I remember how you were," she whispered. "And I know how you are now." And she held on to his hand, squeezing it, as if ensuring he wasn't going anywhere. After a moment, she let go. "You'd better get going or you're going to be late and you're looking at a possible double, if not triple shift today. The 'victim of mind control' excuse isn't going to work for long with Chakotay."
He rested his gaze on her, as if memorizing her.
"What is it?" B'Elanna asked, a little taken aback by the scrutiny.
"Just anticipating when I see you next," he said softly, a bit of longing in his voice that reminded her of the early halcyon days of their relationship.
"I'll see you at lunch," she said lightly.
"Don't be late," he said, as he bent down to kiss her lips, his hand cupping her jaw for a momentary caress.
B'Elanna settled back in her chair after Tom left, her hand resting on her belly. After a few minutes, she roused herself to get ready for work.
Voyager needed her.