"Jo." Lipton's voice tickled the ends of my consciousness as he sat beside me on the edge of our… my foxhole.
It had taken me an hour to collect myself enough to get back to the men. It took another hour of wandering the line before I was able to look at the foxhole Buck and I had shared. It took ten more minutes before I had the strength to sit on the edge on our foxhole.
I was still gathering the strength to force myself to slide into our foxhole, knowing that when I did there would be no warmth from Buck that would greet me and chase away the cold; no Buck to crack jokes with or trade stories with; No Buck to let me know that even when hell was being thrown at us that I was safe as long as he was at my side.
I stared blankly at the branches that covered our foxhole… my foxhole.
"Jo." Lip nudged my shoulder and my gaze snapped to him.
"Hey, Lip." I forced a smile.
"How you doin'?" He asked with concern.
"Fine." I answered.
"You sure?" He didn't sound convinced. "Anything you want to talk about?"
"No." I shook my head slowly. "Nothing that I can think of." Lipton sighed and squeezed my shoulder as he stood up.
"Well, if you need me, I'm here." He said. I looked up at him and nodded.
"I know. Thanks Lip." He gave me a small smile and lingered a moment, like there was something else he wanted to say, but just sighed and walked off. I let the forced smile drop from my face and turned my gaze to the snow covered horizon. I had never felt so alone in all my life.
I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and droppedinto the pit holding my breath as if I was plunging myself into deep water. I slowly opened my eyes and took in the dark, empty space that surrounded me. Suddenly my shelter seemed too big without his giant form crouched in it, too cold without the warmth his presence brought. I let my breath out and slid deeper into the hole pushing myself against frozen wall of earth. A small star shone down at me from an opening in my cover and I stared blankly as it twinkled merrily down on me. I pulled my knees to my chest and laid my chin atop them. The freezing night air settled down into my bones, racking me with shivers unlike any I felt before. I curled tighter into myself and buried my head between my knees and chest. I should have got up and found a blanket but I was unable to force myself to move. The only sound filling the foxhole was the sound of my teeth as they chattered and smacked together. I wasn't sure how long I sat and stared up at that damn star, but after a while I felt myself slowly drifting into unconsciousness.
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The first rays of sun peaked through the hole in my cover and hit my eyelids. I moaned as I open my crusted eyes before snapping them closed again and turned to lean deeper into Buck's chest.
But as my face hit the cold ground the events of the previous day smacked me square in the jaw and I quickly sat up. I groaned and rubbed the sleep from my eyes, pushing the woolen blanket from my form. I slowly crawled from my foxhole and made my way over to the chow line. The men were silent and I could feel their gaze on me as I filled my cup with coffee. I turned and walked over to George, taking a seat beside him and stared down at the black sludge in my cup, letting the hot liquid warm my frozen hands.
George furrowed his brows and nudged my shoulder. I managed to force a weak smile and took a sip of my coffee.
"You alright, JoJo?" He asked.
"I'm alive." I answered after a moment of thought.
"Good to know." He smiled. I squirmed under the heavy gaze of the men and George took notice. "Let's go for a walk." He said and helped me stand.
We walked away from the men and the camp, skirting the outside of the line. He lit a cigarette and took a deep drag before passing it over to me. I took it and drew the burning ash deep into my lungs, holding it in and letting the nicotine calm my frayed nerves.
"You know, I woke up and tried to bury myself into Buck's side this morning before I realized he wasn't there anymore." I finally said as I let out my breath and passed the cigarette back to him.
"Aw Jo." George scratched the back of his neck. "I'm sorry." I shrugged.
"I just miss him, you know." He nodded.
"Me too." We continued our walk in silence, sharing the cancer stick between us.
"Sgt. Benally." A voice said from behind us. George started and we both turned to face the figure who had appeared from out of nowhere.
"Lt. Speirs." I greeted. He spared a quick glance at Luz who I could feel let out a small shudder from beside me.
"I heard about Lt. Compton." Speirs said matter of factly. "It's a shame, he was a good officer."
"He still is, sir." I almost hissed as a sudden fierceness in the need to defend my shattered friend against the oppressive Lieutenant came over me. Speirs' piercing brown eyes locked on to me like a laser, but for once I didn't feel the need to shudder and flinch away from it. I stood my ground, back straight and returned his gaze. He seemed to find what he was looking for in me and his face relaxed.
"You're right, Sergeant." He nodded. "He still is." He tilted his head to the side and studied me. "He must be, to have instilled such loyalty in his men."
I huffed and dropped my gaze from him. George glanced back and forth between us in confusion.
"What are you two doing so far away from Easy's line anyway?" Speirs asked.
"I needed to take a walk and clear my head." I replied.
"And did you?" He asked. "Did you clear your head?" There was a tone I couldn't define in his voice, but I knew it was something that I should be worried about.
"Yes sir, I did." My tone was more aggressive than I had intended, angry that I felt I had to defend my actions to a man who didn't have the right to act like my superior.
"Good, a soldier whose mind isn't clear is going to cost the lives of those around him." He stepped closer to me and I held firm to my ground even as George shrank back.
"It's time to focus on the ones that are still here and stop dwelling on the things we can't change."
I took a moment to stare into his blue eyes, trying not to show the shock I felt at how well he could read me. I knew he was right, I had been telling myself the same thing over and over again. Losing Buck had just been such a blow to me I was struggling with trying to find my place in this world once more.
But hearing Speirs speak those words snapped something in me. I knew losing Buck was going to hurt, but I also knew my focus needed to be solely on the men that were still there. With the loss of Buck we were left with Dike and my focus needed to be solely on keeping my men alive. I needed to see these men through to the end, and I would.
"Yes, sir." I answered with quiet conviction. "Yes sir, it is." He searched my eyes before letting a small grin spread across his face. He stepped back and looked me over once more.
"You should be getting back to Easy, don't you think, Sgt. Benally." It was not a question.
"Yes, sir."
"Good." He nodded. "Carry on."
And just like that, in the same way he appeared he vanished off into the snow; leaving behind him an air of authority so thick that it swallowed me, giving me strength to do what I knew needed to be done. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Buck's face flashed before my eyes, broken and tortured by his inner demons but I pushed it back down. I knew it was going to take time before those eyes no longer haunted me. I also knew that I was needed now, hurting or not, and I was not going to let my men down.
"Jesus, JoJo." Luz whispered. I opened my eyes to find the space next to me where he was standing before empty. I turned around and raised an eyebrow, he had moved so that he was standing almost completely behind me during our encounter with Speirs.
"I don't know how the hell you didn't crap your pants right then and there." I rolled my eyes.
"He grows on you." I said.
"So does fungus." George answered. "It doesn't mean you get used to it."
I smiled for the first time since the morning before, a true, genuine and unforced smile.
"Hey, there's the JoJo I know and love!" George said and grabbed my neck in a one armed hug. I rolled my eyes and untangled myself from him.
"Fuck off." I muttered as I pushed him away.
We talked and laughed as we made our way back to camp. The cold that had settled into my bones last night seemed to lift and be replaced with a warmth that seemed to radiate from the love and support of the man at my side.
"Love you, George," I smiled as we came up on Easy's line.
"Love you too, kid." He grinned that remarkably toothy grin at me and I knew, if for nothing else, I had to survive for him.
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I stared down into my foxhole, my brow creased in thought.
"Jo." Luz said as he laid a hand on my shoulder. "Are you alright?"
"Fine." I muttered offhandedly.
"Are you sure?" he asked again.
"I'm fine George." I rolled my eyes and looked at his worried face. "I am." I insisted.
"Look, you could always bunk with Tab and me, I'm sure we could make room for you." He said with as he rubbed his forehead.
"What are you-?" I raised an eyebrow at my friend before it hit me. "Oh, no, no, I'm fine. Really, that's not what's troubling me." I explained. He sighed in relief.
"Then what the hell are you staring at?" He asked.
"That blanket." I motioned to the woolen blanket that lay at the bottom of my foxhole.
"What about it?" He narrowed his eyes. "What did the blanket say to you, Jo?" I rolled my eyes and smacked him on the shoulder.
"Nothing." I glared. "It's just, I remember last night, I was laying in there, freezing and thinking I should go and find a blanket somewhere, but I couldn't find the strength to pull myself up." I explained and he creased his eyebrow in worry. "I'm fine now." I assured.
"Alright, I still don't get it." He shook his head.
"I went to sleep without a blanket last night, but I woke up with one this morning." I explained.
"… I still don't get it." George said and I rolled my eyes.
"So, it means that someone went out of their way to check up on me and bring me a blanket in the middle of the night." I explained.
"So?" He questioned.
"So what?" I raised an eyebrow.
"So what does it mean?" He asked in frustration.
"Nothing." I shrugged. "I'm just curious as to who did it." He scoffed and rolled his eyes.
"Only you would notice something as ridiculous as waking up with a blanket." He muttered.
"You're just upset because I'm more observant than you'll ever be." I grinned.
"Yeah, Jo. That's it. I'm jealous of you mighty observation skills." He rolled his eyes and walked off, muttering to himself about how crazy he must be to be friends with me. I chuckled and shook my head as I jumped in my foxhole and carefully folded the woolen blanket.
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After clearing the woods East of Foy we were ordered to clear the woods to the west which meant we had to dig in again. My only consolation was that the foxhole I had to build needed to only be big enough to accommodate one person. It took me only a fraction of the time it would have taken any other time when I had been digging a hole for both Buck and myself.
I still felt a pang of sorrow hit me every time I thought about the bear of a man and I knew I probably always would. Malarkey had been given permission to go and deliver Buck his mail, Winter's had asked me if I had wanted to go as well, but I turned him down. I wasn't ready to see my friend like that when I was just starting to pull myself back together. So I sent my greeting and hope for a speedy recover with Malarkey and I stayed with the company. I had sat with George and Tab for most of that evening until it was my turn at the O.P. with Babe. When we were finally relieved by Sisk and Shifty I made my way to my oversized foxhole and immediately passed out from exhaustion as soon as my back had hit the dirt wall. When I woke up the next day I found myself covered with the woolen blanket again. While I dug into my new foxhole the following day I found myself somewhat distracted as I pondered who would be going out of their way to check on my at night.
I sighed as I finished covering my foxhole and stood up to admire my work.
"Damn fine job if I do say so myself." I mumbled. I heard a laugh come from behind me and turned to find a grinning Lip.
"Not bad, Benny." He clapped me on the back.
"I know, I am pretty amazing." I chuckled and Lipton raised an eyebrow at me. He eyed me for a moment before snickering.
"You sure are, Benny." He murmured.
"You seen Luz, Lip?" I found myself worrying more and more about George since I had lost Buck. I knew that if I were to lose him like I lost Buck or if, God forbid, he were to be killed I wouldn't be able to pull myself back together.
"No, but I'll let him know you're looking for him." Lip said. I nodded and folded my shovel up.
"You haven't seen Dike by any chance, have you?" He asked.
"Maybe he's MIA." I interposed offhandedly.
"We should be so lucky." I choked on my surprised laughter at Lip's unexpected response. Raising an eyebrow at him he rolled his eyes as waved his hand as if he was trying to brush his glib remark away.
"Haven't seen him, but if I do I'll let him know you're looking for him." My amusement showed as I parroted his words back to him.
"Thanks, Benny." He sighed, whether at me our Dike situation or both I wasn't sure. I smirked and grabbed my M-1 Garand.
"I'm going to go do a patrol of the line." I informed Lip. "I'll report anything of interest to you." He nodded and clapped me on the shoulder once more.
"Be careful, Benny. We can't afford to lose you." He smiled and made his way off into the snow.
I grinned and shook my head as I made my own way through the snow. It took me an hour to walk the line, I stopped to talk to several of the men along the way, but I never found Dike. There was nothing of significance to report to Lip, so I made my way back to my foxhole.
BOOM!
The tree next to me exploded into shrapnel and I dropped to the ground, covering my head and neck. I looked and watched as a barrage of mortar rounds fell all around us.
"INCOMING!" I yelled as I jumped to my feet. "FIND COVER!" I felt wood splinters rain down on me as I ran, yelling at the men to take cover as I did. I screeched to a halt and jumped into my foxhole just as a shell went off and sent a branch landing in the spot I had just been standing. I held my helmet to my head and closed my eyes as the events leading up to Buck's departure replayed in my mind.
"MEDIC!" His voice rang over and over in my head. His eyes stared back at me, broken and blank, filled with tears he refused to let fall.
I sucked in a deep breath and tried to push those thoughts from my mind, but they wouldn't leave. It was like an old scratched record that just kept replaying the same few seconds over and over again. I bit my lip hard enough to draw blood and felt the warm, metallic liquid pool between my teeth and gums.
When the shelling finally stopped so did my waking nightmares. My mind snapped back into the moment and I knew my priority was making sure the men of Easy Company made it though. I stood up and jumped from my foxhole.
"Stay down!" I ordered as I ran through the downed trees, running towards the voice that cried for a medic. I came up on Hashey and Shifty the same time that Gene did and we both knelt down in front of the men.
"Where ya hit?" Roe asked.
"My shoulder." Hashey said. I helped him remove his coat and Gene and I looked him over. He took a splinter to the shoulder, but it wasn't anything life threatening.
"I can handle it." Gene said to me and I nodded. I was up and running in an instant, my mind focused on one thing… finding Luz. I searched each foxhole, telling the men to stay put until they got the all clear.
"Jo!" A voice called out and I felt my heart drop to my stomach. I stopped dead in my tracks and changed directions, running to the sound of the man's voice.
"George." I said as I slid to a stop in front of him. I grabbed his shoulders and looked him over.
"I'm alright, Jo." He said, his voice shaky.
"George, what happened?" I asked in concern. "Are you alright?" He didn't say anything, just pointed at something behind me. I turned and nearly jumped out of my skin as I saw the unexploded shell sitting beside an empty foxhole.
"Was that yours'?"I asked as I brought my gaze back to him. He nodded slowly and took a puff of his cigarette. I rubbed his shoulder in comfort and looked around through the haze of smoke and debris that surround us and hung so thick in the air it was like a cloud bank had settled down around us. I noticed for the first time that Lip was standing behind George and I raised an eyebrow as I saw him puffing away at a cigarette.
"I thought you didn't smoke, Lip." He just pointed at the shell as if it were an explanation which, granted, it was.
"Muck and Penkala." George whispered.
"What?" I asked. I felt my heart drop as I saw the glassy look in his eyes and Buck flashed before me, his broken form staring at Guarnere and Toye. I shook my head, bringing myself into the here in now. "What about Muck and Penkala?"
"They got hit." His eyes focused on me. "Their dead." He said blankly.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, I needed to focus on George but Buck kept flashing into my mind. I swallowed hard and squeezed George's shoulder.
"George I-" But the words wouldn't come to me. I had seen so much death at the hospital, but when it came to the men I knew and cared about, I just didn't know what to say anymore.
"We'll get through this." I finally uttered in a whisper and George's eyes seemed to clear. "We'll get through this together." He nodded at me and managed a small smile.
"Benny, let the men know its all clear." Lipton said and I nodded. I squeezed George's shoulder one more time.
"I'll be right back, I promise." I told him and he gave me a shaky nod. I forced a smile before turning and walking off to let the men know that they could come out of their foxholes.
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I sighed and leant my head back, watching as the trees whizzed by overhead. I was on my way back to Bastogne to say my goodbye to Buck after a grueling day.
I had spent the rest of the night and that morning with George as we dug through what was left of the foxhole that had once been Muck and Penkala's. George found a piece of a rosary and handed it to Malarkey who had been sitting there staring blankly at nothing. I sighed and squeezed his shoulder. He looked up at me and gave me the same forced smile that I had given everyone after Buck had been taken off the line.
We were ordered to take back our old positions overlooking the town of Foy and I forced myself to recover the old foxhole that Buck and I had once shared. I wondered briefly how I was ever supposed to pull myself back together when everything around me reminded me of him. I sighed heavily and dropped my shovel into the snow.
"Benny." Lip called as he walked up to me. I turned and looked at the First Sergeant. "Winters says that Buck is being sent back to England and wants to know if you want to go and say goodbye to him, maybe get yourself a hot meal."I sighed and bit my lip. Maybe seeing him, getting to say goodbye to him and knowing for sure that he wasn't coming back would help me heal the still tender wounds his leaving had left.
"Yeah," I nodded and shoved my hands into my pockets. "Yeah, I'd like that." Lipton smiled at me and clapped me on the shoulder.
"Good, just make your way over to C.P. I'm gonna go get Malarkey and then we can head out." He said.
"Sure thing." I nodded as I turned and made my way over to the C.P.
"Benny." Winters greeted as he caught sight of me walking up.
"Sir," I nodded.
"I haven't got a chance to see how you've been." He said and smiled down at me.
"I'm…" I searched for the right word. "Okay." I nodded. Winters raised an eyebrow.
"You're sure about that?" He asked.
"Yeah," I gave him a small smile. "I'm sure."
"Good." He smiled. "Okay is better than not." He grinned.
"Yes sir." I nodded and he looked me over.
"You know, I offered Malarkey the chance to be a runner for the CP for a while. I would have offered it to you, but I didn't think you would have taken it." He said as he gauged my reaction.
'Would I?' I thought it over. It would have been a chance to get away from the line and I wouldn't have to worry about trying to fight a losing battle against death like in Bastogne. I would be safe and warm.
But Winters had a nasty habit of being right, one Nix would complain about from time to time. He knew would have never given myself up to a break when my men were still in danger. I would never allow myself that luxury when I knew my place was with them.
"No, sir." I answered. "I wouldn't have. I doubt Malarkey will either."
"Yeah," He smiled. "You're probably right, Benny. I guess I'll just have to let Sink know we'll have to find a different runner." He grinned as the jeep pulled up. He motioned for me to get into the jeep and I did so as he walked back into his 'office.'
"We're waiting for two more." I informed the driver and he nodded in understanding. Malarkey and Lipton showed up about five minutes later and Malarkey and I exchanged forced smiles with each other before he and Lip hopped into the back seat and the driver took off through the snow.
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Malarkey and I sat in the tent with Buck as he had us catch him up on the going ons of E company in his absence. We tried to keep it as cheerful as we could, but we were both hurting and knowing that we were saying goodbye to Buck was making everything that much worse.
"Sir," A nurse said about half an hour after we had arrived. "Sorry to interrupt, sir, but the jeep is here for you." She said kindly.
"Thank you." Buck nodded to her and she gave him a smile before walking off. I sighed deep and hung made head, unable to look the man in the eyes for fear of breaking down. "Hey, Malark, give us a minute?" Buck asked.
"Yeah, sure thing." Malarkey said as he stood up. "I'll just be outside." I waited until I could no longer hear the man's boots slapping against the floor before I lifted my gaze to Buck. I saw the tears that he refused to let fall gather at the corner of his eyes.
"I'm sorry, Jo. I'm so sorry." He whispered.
"There's nothing to be sorry about, Buck." I said with more strength then I thought I had.
"Yes, there is," he sighed and took my hand. "I promised I wouldn't leave you." I closed my eyes and cleared my throat in an effort to push down my tears. "I promised I wouldn't leave you, and now I am." I sucked in a breath through my teeth and looked at my friend.
"I promised you I'd never leave you either." I told him. "But I'm breaking that promise too."
"No you're not." He argued.
"I am." I choked out. "I promised I wouldn't leave you and now I'm leaving you alone to go back and face the world without me. It's gonna be different. They're not going to understand what you've been through, what you've done. I won't be there with you to let you know that I understand. That I know everything because I was there next to you and won't judge you for anything that happened over here. At least I have George and the rest of the Company still, but you'll have no one. Sometimes, going home is harder than staying." I whispered the last part and squeezed his hand.
"So," I took a deep breath before continuing, "I guess we're both breaking our promise to each other." I managed a watery smile.
We sat there for a moment, staring at our clasped hands. I noticed how small and dark my own seemed against his much larger and much whiter hand. He absentmindedly rubbed his thumb over my knuckles
"It's amazing how someone so small could have so much strength." He whispered to me as he turned my hand around and examined it where it laid dwarfed in his own.
"I'm only small in comparison to you." I let out a breathy chuckle.
"You know, when this is all over, you should come to California." He said, squeezing my extremity. "I think you'd like it there."
"Yeah," I smiled at him. "I might just do that. I've never been to California before."
"You'll always be welcome at my home, Jo." He said as his eyes met mine. "There'll always be a place for you there, if you don't get to go back to your time."
I breathed deep and looked down at the bed as I felt the tears threaten to fall again.
"Thank you." I managed to mumble and I felt Buck rub his thumb over the back of my hand again.
"You're my family now, Jo. It's the least I could do." I chuckled and looked up at him as I bit my lip.
"It's more than I could ever imagine." I replied. I quickly looked around and made sure there was no one looking at us before I leaned in and gently kissed him on the cheek.
"I love you Buck." I whispered into his ear before pulling away.
"I love you too, Jo." His eyes met mine as we held eachothers' gaze for a moment.
"Well," I breathed deeply and stood up. "Let's blow this joint," he managed a small smile.
"Yeah… lets."
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I stood back and watched as Malarkey said his goodbyes to Buck, only joining them when the big man motioned me over.
"I want you guys to look after each other." Buck said to us.
"We will." Malarkey assured him and I nodded.
"You two are the leaders of 2nd now." He said, his eyes were rimmed with red as he fought back the tears. "Make me proud."
"You'll be so proud of us you'll shit kittens." I answered. Buck let out a short bark of laughter and Malarky snorted.
"You're a weird kid," the blonde sniffed. "Keep that humor, both of you."
"Yes sir." I nodded.
"Yeah, we will." Malarkey agreed.
Buck forced a smile and turned to get into the jeep. He stopped suddenly as he was about to climb in and turned back around. He looked at us and swallowed hard before he snapped to attention and saluted us. Malarkey and I were caught off guard for a moment, but we returned his salute.
The Irishman turned away and Buck nodded as gave me a small, watery smile before he climbed in the jeep. Malarkey turned around again as the jeep revved up and sped off down the road out of our line of sight. We both stood there for a moment after he had disappeared, both hoping if we stood there long enough he'd come beach.
Malarkey sniffed and I turned to face him, finally noticing his eye were lined red with suppressed tears. I doubted that I fared any better so I just clapped him on the shoulder.
"Let's get some hot chow, hmm?" I said to him.
"Yeah," he said taking a puff from his cigarette and turning his gaze from the road. "Yeah, let's get some food."
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Special thanks goes out to all my reviewers! britt, Eliaw, CP2girls, EmmyMK, loveonspeedial, Azrael's Darkest Secrets, Ashlynn, and ally leigh, you guys are the best!
britt – I think it would have been unrealistic if Jo hadn't broken down and I'm glad I've made her a believable character to you. I've strived to do my best at developing her and your review letting me know I'm doing a good job of it means a lot to me. Urgh, school is not very fun, I feel for you. But three day weekends are always a plus. Hope your Labor Day was fun! This chapter was a little late because of the holiday weekend. But I hope it was worth the wait! Thank you so much for reviewing!
Ashlynn- I'm so glad you liked the last chapter. I'm sorry that I made you cry, but I'm also glad that I was able to convey that emotion to you. I'm glad you felt her reaction to losing Buck was real. It means a lot to me to hear that. I hope you liked this chapter! Thank you for your review!
Please let me know what you think of this story, good, bad, not so bad, just let me know!
Please take the time to leave me a review, it is always greatly appreciated!
Amanda
Revised 7/12/17