Chapter 3
Yuuri POV
~~~Shin Makoku – hospital ward, the next day~~~
My consciousness comes slowly back to me. My whole body hurts. I try to open my eyes. They open but it hurts a lot. Sunshine is blinding me. I flinch a little which gives me even more pain.
„Yuuri?", I hear.
Instantly I shift my head to the direction the sound came from. My heart is beating fast in my chest.
Fear. Danger? My breath is way too fast.
Slowly I get a hold of the information my senses provide. Blond. Full lips. Blue clothes. Green eyes.
It´s Wolf.
He looks tired. His eyes have little shadows beneath them. It looks like he didn´t sleep much last night.
Silence stretches between us for quite some while. Wolf is never this silent… It seems like he doesn´t know what to say to me. His gaze seems to hold something like… guilt?
Why?
I try to sit up. My leg hurts. My butt hurts. My arms hurt.
Why does everything hurt?
…
And all the memories flash back.
Being quite late and trying to get home.
The back alley.
Dark.
The smell of cigarette smoke.
Pain in my stomach.
The smell of sweat.
Big men.
Laughing.
„Such a cutie".
I feel the pain again, everywhere. Then even more touches on my skin.
I scream.
Fear.
Pain.
Disgust.
Wanting to die.
Wanting to get away.
I scream until my throat goes raspy.
Whimpering… Not my own.
Pain.
Fear.
Please stop…
Hushing… not my own.
I lose myself in a world of pain and fear.
….
Suddenly.
„Yuuri", Wolf?
Right Wolf was there. My Wolf.
The pictures before my eyes disappear slowly. The sounds fade away too.
I see blond hair. A lovely face. Green eyes look at me in apparent in the corner of these beautiful eyes.
Tension slowly bleeds out of my muscles.
„Wolf", I recognize.
„Are you with me again?", he asks.
I bite my lip and nod slowly.
„I´m sorry", I whisper.
My voice sounds really raspy.
„There´s nothing you have to be sorry about".
„I…", I don´t know how to answer.
It really happened, didn´t it? It really did, right?
Oh god…
It´s not just a nightmare, right? But my body hurts to much. I can´t just be a dream…
Shit.
My thoughts are to fast to follow. I dry heave.
Wolf stands up and gets a bucket. Why does he have a bucket?
I dry heave again.
He gives it to me and I can´t hold it back anymore. The taste is sour in my mouth. There´s just bile left in my stomach.
Wolf touches my back. I tense at his touch. He doesn´t stop though, just rubs smoothe circles across my back. Slowly I relax and stop the heave. I push the bucket away from me, then turn and look at him. He looks so beautiful, so pure, so strong. And his eyes show his worry about me. It hurts to look at him. I´m soiled now. And I… I should have stopped it. I should have… There should have been a way… I should have… done… something. I´m so disgusting. He shouldn´t have to deal with someone like me. He shouldn´t be linked with someone like me. I even… I… I´ll never be good enough for him. I´m disgusting.
„I´m sorry", I tell him. I can´t even express the guilt I feel.
I shiver.
His face contorts into a grimace of guilt, worry and anger.
„You did nothing wrong", he says.
It´s so easy to say that… but… Wolf doesn´t know what happens. Doesn´t know what I did, what they made me do. And I… I. He doesn´t know… I… I probably could have prevented it. There should have been a way to stop it. I should not have taken that way back home. I should have gone, when I was supposed too. I should have been fiercer. I should have…
I… And I should never have… I… I should have fought more… I.. I betrayed him…
„Yuuri, I´m sorry for not protecting you", he says and my heart clenches painfully. If only he knew. He should never have to feel guilty. It me who betrayed him…
I look at his face. His whole posture shows guilt.
„It´s not your fault", I say.
Tears collect in his eyes, but he doesn´t let them fall. I see that he doesn´t believe me but I don´t have the strenght to convince him. I just can´t tell him… I dont want him to leave…
„I failed you", he says and stands up to leave.
Fear rockets in my whole body.
„Don´t leave! Please don´t leave me!", I cry out.
Wolf tenses right where he was and turns back to me.
„Please", I whisper.
I can´t bear the thought to be without him. Even though I´m tainted and don´t want to taint him, I just can´t let him go… Even though I´ve betrayed him, I just can´t let him go…
I´m so.. selfish, disgusting.
Wolf seems to struggle to breathe. He tries to calm himself down.
I wait… will he leave me?
Fear pulses thorugh my entire being.
Slowly the tension leaves his body and he regains control over his feelings.
„Allright", he says and comes back to the bed. He sits down next to me.
I reach out to put my hand on his hand. I shouldn´t touch him, shouldn´t taint him… but I just need his touch so much right now. The tension leaves my body and the shiver reduces.
I want him to hold me, but I just can´t ask him to do it. I can´t taint him any further. The need to pull my skin rom my body is intense. I want to destroy it. I want to burn their touches. I want to scrape their touches of my skin. I want…
Wolfs hand shifts slightly to return my touch. I can´t help but look a tour hands. His finders are so beautfiul.
He sees my gaze on our hands.
„What do you want to do next?", he asks.
I don´t even know how to answer that question. I don´t even know if I want to be there a next… Silence stretches out between us again.
„They are really worried about you, you know. Should I go and tell them that you woke up?", he asks.
„Don´t leave", I say before I can even comprehend what he said.
Wolf takes a deep breathe. Is he annoyed with me? Please don´t be! Please, I cant lose Wolf! I can´t. I… even if I… he… I can´t lose him…
I study his face quickly. He seems choked up.
„I´m sorry, Wolf", I whisper.
„I wont leave you Yuuri", he says as he brushes his thumb over my hand, „ I just want to let them know that you are awake. Greta was really scared when she saw you, she must be worried sick".
„Greta saw me?" I ask and feel guilt and fear and dusgust flash over me again.
„We brought her away as soon as we understood that something was wrong", he answers.
I can´t let her see me like that. Not while I´m tainted like this. I just can´t. I can´t…
„Can we go to the bathroom?", I ask Wolf.
He looks at me and his eyes seem so full of sorrow that I have to look away.
„Of course love", he says. My heart clenches with his words. He can never know what happened. I will lose him… And I can´t… even though I…
Wolfram stands up and comes to my side of the bed.
„Your leg is still broken. I will need to carry you", he says. I see the silent question in his eyes. He asks me for allowance to touch me. I hesitate.. not because I don´t want him to touch me but because I don´t deserve to be touched by him. I betrayed him…
„Allright?", he asks after the silence stretches on.
„Okay", I say finally.
Wolf takes me into his arms, careful not to hurt me even further. I don´t deserve him.
But I feel finally save again.