"Jesus fucking Christ bananas!" I exclaimed as the sound of the door crashing against the wall startled me from my thoughts. I dropped the equipment that was in my hands and spun around to glare at the grinning face of Captain Nixon as he leant casually against the door. "What the name of all fuck was that for?" I growled adding a "sir," as an afterthought.
"You know Jo, you really need to work on cleaning up that mouth of yours." He grinned. "With as often as you blaspheme you are guaranteed a one way ticket to hell."
"My fucking cussing is the least of the things I've done that will send me to hell." I muttered as I reached to pick everything up from the floor. "Did you just come in to scold me on my mouth? Thanks dad." I glared at him.
"Actually no, I thought you would want to know that Speirs suspects something is off about you." He grinned as he lit a cigarette.
"Really? I wonder why?" I asked sarcastically. He raised a questioning eyebrow. "'Hear that Jo, a West Pointer.'" I mimicked his words from the day before with a sneer. He chuckled and drew deep from the cigarette.
"For spending most your time with Luz, you're shit at impressions." He grinned as I fought the urge to send a rude gesture in his direction.
"So, is that all you're here for? To annoy, scold and insult me?" I rolled my eyes.
"For someone who just found out one of the most dangerous men in the company suspects something is off about you, you seem overly calm." He replied.
"Well, the fuck am I supposed to do about it?" I crossed my arms.
"I don't know." He shrugged.
"Then why tell me?" I asked.
"Just thought you should know." He took a puff from his cigarette.
"So, what does he suspect?" I raised an eyebrow.
"Dunno, he just suspects something."
"How's that supposed to help me?"
"It's not."
"You're doing this just to mess with me, aren't you?" I sighed in frustration and rubbed my temples.
"It's possible." He grinned.
"Oh for fuck's sake." I groaned. "Can you at least tell me how you know he suspects something is off about me?"
"We were having a friendly poker match," I snorted but he ignored me, "and he happened to mention you and how odd you are. He asked Winters is something about you felt off."
"And what did Winters say?" I sighed.
"That you were a good soldier and the he couldn't imagine what you had been through in Bastogne," he shrugged. "Speirs dropped it after that."
"That man never drops anything," I rolled my eyes.
"True." He smirked. "But if he gets too close, I'll steer him in different direction."
"Thanks, sir." I said with just a hint of sarcasm.
"Oh yeah, anytime… Captain Benally."
I whipped around and glared at him as he laughed and beat a hasty retreat from my room. I followed him to the door and checked the hall, making sure no one overheard his comment as his continued to chuckle until he was out of sight. I grumbled under my breath as I jammed things into my pack, trinkets to send home to Luz's mom and Buck.
Home. That one word stopped me in my tracks.
For the first since before I was thrown into a time that was not my own, I had used the word home.
And it felt… right.
"Whadda you grinnin' about?" George asked as he stepped into my room. I jumped up and gave him a quick hug. He raised an eyebrow as I pulled back, "Da hell was that for?"
"Nothin'… Just figuring some things out." I grinned.
"Oh, care to share?" He sat down on my bed and looked up at me as I leant against the wall.
"Maybe later." I smiled as he rolled his eyes.
"I don't get you sometime, JoJo." He rifled through my pack and picked up a pair of earrings. "Oh, JoJo! You shouldn't have." He exclaimed in an over exaggerated female voice. I chuckled and took them from him.
"They're not for you." I put them back in the pack.
"Oh, yeah?" He grinned. "Got a girlfriend I don't know about?" He teased.
"No, I just figured I'd send them to your mom." I replied.
"Yeah, mom would like this." He said as he rummaged through some of the other trinkets.
"So, did you need something?" I asked as I slapped away his hands.
"Yeah, you're going to help me carry supplies off the truck." He said as he grabbed my arm and dragged me out of the building.
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"I never agreed to this." I said as Luz loaded my arms down with crates of supplies from the truck.
"Who says you had too?" He shrugged and lifted a single crate into his own arms. I looked down at the three in my arm and turned my glare to my friend. He just grinned and made his way into the building and I struggled along behind him muttering my dark thoughts about how I was going to kill him out loud.
"Is that even possible?" George questioned as he set his crate down.
"I'll make it possible." I glared at him.
He grinned and helped me set the crates in my arms down. I rubbed my sore arms and resisted the urge to slap him upside the head. Vest came over and started unpack the crates and take inventory while George stood back and watched.
'Lazy fuck,' I mouthed.
"I'm management." George gave me a shit-eating grin.
"Bullshit." I laughed.
"If you're so concerned about it, why don't you help?" He asked.
"It's not my fucking job." I grinned and settled down next to him as we watched Vest go about his duties.
"Look who's back." George said and nodded towards the living room. I caught the eye of Lieutenant Welsh, who nodded in greeting.
"Just keep 'em comin', Luz." Vest said as he gathered the unmarked tins into his arms.
"Yeah, whatever." Luz said as we watched the going-ons in the other room.
"Look what we have here, boys." Webster said as he sauntered in a started to rummage through the crates.
"Hey pal." Luz greeted absentmindedly as he leant into me so he could see around Webster. George and I watched intently as Winters presented Lipton with the gold bar that signified his new rank as a Second Lieutenant.
I thought back to the Ardennes Forest when Lipton had come to check up on me after Buck had been sent home. I thought of all the times I had watched him as he mothered the men in a way that would have been almost comical if it were someone else. I thought of the comfort he sought to bring all who were suffering, how he took care of us and led us when we had no leader. He was a pillar of strength for us when all the world had come crashing down on our heads. There was no one who had deserved to be promoted more than him.
He turned to look at us, face threatening to split in half his grin was so wide. We smiled and nodded our congratulations to him. I stood back and watched Winters give Jones his promotion and new assignment as George finally decided to help Vest unload the crates.
"Looks like you lost another platoon leader." George remarked to Webster and I.
"I think Second might be cursed." I grinned and pushed off from the wall I had been leaning against.
I waved to Luz and the rest of the men before making my way out into the cool morning air. I closed my eyes and felt the sun warm my exposed skin, contradicting the chill of the air. It filled my heart, lighting corners that had lain barren and in shadow. I could hear my shi'nali hastii as he recited the morning prayers, giving thanks and praying that we walked in beauty wherever we may go. I opened my eyes and felt a small smile creep across my face.
"Hey, Benny!" Someone called out. I turned and caught sight of a group of officers that congregated just outside of the C.P. "Good to see ya again." Welsh grinned as I walked over.
"Good to see you again too, Sir." I greeted with a nod. "I take it your wound is all healed?"
"Yeah, thanks to you." He slapped me on the back.
"I didn't do anything. Just stitched you up and checked your pressure bandage." I shrugged.
"No need to be modest, Benny. I was there at that hospital. I saw what you went through." His eyes darkened for a moment before clearing and shining brightly with good-humor again.
"Congratulations on your promotion, sir." I turned and grinned at Lipton.
"Thank you, Benny." Lipton couldn't keep the smile from his face.
"You deserve it, sir." I smiled wide.
"Here, here!" Nixon grinned and took a swig from his canteen. I had a feeling it wasn't water he was drinking.
"The First Sergeant offer is still on the table, Sgt. Benally." Speirs remarked. and I smirked slightly as I turned to face the E Company leader.
"And my answer stands, sir." His lips twitched upwards as he nodded his head and I smiled as I peeled off my jacket, the sun warming my body making my skin flushed with heat.
"Jesus, Benny," Welsh exclaimed as he looked me over. "You don't look like you've had anything to eat since the last time I saw you." He stepped over and grabbed my shoulder, giving me the once over.
"I'm fine, sir." I raised my eyebrow as felt the rest of the officers eyes landed on my skinny form. I cursed under my breath as they scrutinized me. Welsh's comment had forced the officers too look at me with fresh eyes and they saw the toll that everything had finally taken on my body.
"When was the last time you had anything to eat, Benny?" Lipton asked, his brow creased in worry.
"This morning, Sir." I answered, neglecting to tell them that my breakfast consisted of a Hershey's bar hastily wolfed down as I made my way out to see the body of the dead Private off.
"I want you do go to Doc Roe and let him give you a once over." Winters ordered. "You are looking a little… thin."
"Come on Dick, the kid looks like skin and bones and nothing else." Nixon added with a grin. I resisted throwing a glare in the Captain's direction.
"Yes sir." I nodded in affirmation. I smiled and squeezed Lipton's shoulder briefly in congratulations. He returned the smiled, but I could still see the concern in his eyes as I made my way to house that doubled as a makeshift infirmary. I trudged up the steps and opened the door that was once a brilliant red, but now was chipped and dulled by the world around it. I felt a brief pang of understanding for the inanimate object before I stepped into the house and pulled the door closed.
"Hey Sergeant!" Spina called out as he took inventory from an open box of medical supplies. Gene looked up at the sound of his voice and creased his brow. I smiled at the medics and nodded a greeting. "What can we do ya for?"
"Winters wants me to get looked over." I said as I caught Gene's eye. He nodded and set the box of supplies he had in his hands down.
"I'll do it." He told Spina who just shrugged and continued with his counting. Gene motioned for me to follow him up the stairs and led me into a small room that had been set up to double as an exam room. He closed and locked the door, crossing his arms as he stared at me. "This 'bout last night?"
"No, Coop already cleared me for duty this morning." I answered.
"Coop?" He raised an eyebrow.
"Medic Cooper from Dog." I explained.
"Why dinna ya come ta me?" He asked, his mouth set in a stern line.
"You needed some time, so Speirs sent me over to Coop." I answered. His eyes hardened for a moment before a cold mask set over his face.
"So wadda you need now?" His voice distant.
"Welsh mentioned that I was looking a little underweight and Winters wanted me to get checked over." I answered. His eyebrows creased as he uncrossed his arms and ran a hand through his coarse black hair.
"Alright, take your shirt off and lemme take a look." I raised an eyebrow at his all business attitude, but brushed it off as I dropped my jacket on the table and unbuttoned my shirt. I slowly slipped the material from my shoulders and saw his frown deepen. He stepped up to me and lifted my arms up to gain better access to my ribs, then he walked around to look at my back. He cursed in French as he prodded my shoulders and spine, before walking back around and feeling my boney hips.
"Christ," he removed his hands from my hips and looked me in the eye. "How could I notta noticed this last night?"
"Well, we were a little preoccupied with more important matters, like trying to keep my brain from being fried like an egg." I grinned slightly.
"This isn't funny, Benally." He glared. "What da hell happened ta you?"
"What's with the 'Benally,' Gene?" I asked, ignoring his previous question.
"It's you name." He deadpanned.
"It's a little formal, don't you think?" I raised an eyebrow. He didn't reply, just stared hard at me.
"Why did'ja let yourself get this bad?" He asked, his voice hard.
"I didn't 'let' myself get anyway, Roe." I growled at his accusation. "You think I fuckin' did this to myself deliberately?"
"I'm beginnin' ta wonder." He stated.
"I don't know what the hell is wrong with you Roe, but you're being an asshole." I glared. He scoffed and rolled his eyes.
"I'm bein' a medic." He replied. "How'd this happen?"
"How the hell do you think it happened?" I rolled my eyes.
"Why don'ja explain it ta me?" He replied as he crossed his arms. I pursed my lips together. I wanted to yell at him, shake him until he snapped out of whatever pissy mood he was in.
"Bastogne," His face hardened as that one word brought memories that flitted across his eyes like a horror movie. "The hospital ran out of supplies. I had to make a choice. The men needed the food so that their bodies had energy to start the healing process, so I only ate enough to keep me going and the rest went to the wounded."
"And what 'bout when you came back." He said.
"When I came back, we were still low on supplies." I answered, skirting around the truth.
"Not for long. Patton brought food with him." He pursed his lips. "Why didn'ja eat then?"
"I did." I glared.
"You wouldn' be this underweight if dat was true." He growled.
"Drop it, Roe." I said through clenched teeth.
"I won't."
"It's none of your business."
"When it concerns da health of one of da men, it is my business." I sighed and rubbed my eyes as visions of being covered elbow deep in blood played in my memory. I saw the men as they reached out for me, screamed for the mothers. I felt their hearts stop beating as I tried to staunch the flow of blood, felt their chest as they let out that one final breath. Their blood soaked my skin even now. Their screams fill my nightmares all black and white and stained with crimson.
"I… fuck," I breathed deep and forced the bile from throat. "I couldn't get my mind off of that hospital." I hissed. His eyes softened momentarily. "Then, when I could finally eat without feeling sick to my stomach again, Buck…" I trailed off as his brilliant blue eyes flashed across my mind. His face, haunted and broken as the snow fell down around him filled my thoughts. His voice, raspy and unsure, scared as he reached to me for comfort. I shook myself out of my own memories and looked into his eyes that were once again hard.
"You love 'im." Gene sighed.
"Of course, he's my brother. I love him like I love any of my family." I replied. He furrowed his brow and was quiet for a moment.
"So what 'bout after?" He finally asked, his voice softer and less harsh.
"I ate until we started running low on supplies again." He opened his mouth but I cut him off before he could ask the next question. "And then I got sick and it felt like I was eating shards of glass every time I had to swallow."
"I have ta report this." He sighed.
"If you report this, they take me off the line and send me to a hospital where they'll find out that I'm a woman and I'll be sent back to the states… or worse." I retorted.
"Maybe dats not such a bad idea." He said as he caught my eye.
"You're not serious." I demanded.
"War's no place for a woman." He crossed his arms. "All da guns, and da explosions and da death. It's no place for woman, even one as strong as you."
"Look," I hissed. "I have seen and been through worse fuckin' things in my life than this. I don't need you to protect me."
"Someone has ta." He countered.
"I'm perfectly capable of taking care of my fucking self." I growled.
"Well, dat's apparent." He sneered and gestured to my emaciated form.
"Fine." I hissed and put my shirt back on. "Do whatever the hell want." I finished buttoning my shirt and got into face. "But I swear to God I will never forgive you if I get sent home." I grabbed my jacket and stomped out of the room.
"You okay, Benny?" Spina asked as I passed him on the stairs.
"Peachy fuckin' keen." I grumbled as I brushed past him and made my way down the stairs and out into the bitter winter air.
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I made my way into OP 2 still reeling over my fight with Gene. He was different, he was distancing himself from everyone around him and he was trying to push me away. I knew I shouldn't have lost my temper with him, he was fighting an internal battle his base instincts that craved human socialization fighting against the part of him that wanted to push the world away so it didn't hurt the next time one of us ended up bleed and dying in his arms. Unlike myself who had voluntarily became a surgeon, he was plucked from the company and trained as a medic without any say in his own future. I was prepared, in a way, to deal with death, he was not.
I had experienced what it felt like to feel a person's life force drain from them as you held them, as you did everything in your power to save them long before I had ever landed in this time. Knowing you're the last face that that person will ever see, that your words were the last they'd hear, your hands the last comfort that they would ever feel, it's enough to break even the strongest person. If you distance yourself from the world, if you don't allow yourself to have someone or something in your life that can pull you out of that sick and twisted darkness that befalls your mind, you'll lose yourself. I couldn't let Gene lose himself like that.
"Hey Benny." Malarkey greeted as I walked through the back door of O.P. 2 and into the kitchen area. "You're lookin' better."
"I'm feelin' better." I replied. A small smile crept across the Sergeant's face as he stirred the pot of unrecognizable goo that sat over the small burner. My stomach gave an involuntary rumble as I sat at the high-top table with the rest of 2nd platoon. Malarkey dropped a tin cup in front of me and slopped the goo into it.
"What is it?" I asked as I sniffed at the food.
"Do you really wanna know?" Malarkey asked as he finished serving the others and himself before taking the seat next to me.
"Nah, I'm good." I grinned and spooned the concoction into my mouth. I chewed at something that resembled meat for a moment. "Not bad." I said through a full mouth as I shoveled in the stew-like food and reveled in the feel of it on my tongue like it was buttery lobster tail.
We sat in companionable silence as we consumed our meal. I was the first one to go back for seconds and the first one to finish. My stomach still grumbled in hunger as I watched the men eat.
"Hey." A soft voice called from the door.
"Hey Doc." Ramirez greeted. I spun around to face Gene as he forced a small smile.
"Can I talk to you for a moment?" He asked as he caught my eye.
"Sure." I spun back around and gave a single forlorn look at the empty pot that sat in the middle of the table before standing up and stepping outside. The air was cool, but the sun was enough to heat my skin as it shone down from the bright blue sky. "So?" I asked slowly as I watched a cloud pass lazily through the sky. I heard Gene sigh deeply.
"I'm not gonna turn you in." He said. I dropped my gaze from the sky and turned to face the medic. I opened my mouth to thank him, but he held up a hand to stop me. "But, you're gonna have ta start eatin' more. No more excuses and I want you ta come see me at least four times a week 'til I'm satisfied you've put on enough weight."
"That's reasonable enough." I smiled slightly.
"Good, I'll see ya in a couple'a days then." He said as he turned to leave.
"Gene." I called out. He stopped and turned to face me. "You can't distance yourself from everyone around. It's not healthy." He sighed and rubbed his eyes. "The human species is a social animal. We need contact with other people, it's in our DNA. Isolation is a form of mental torture. I know it's hard, getting close to people only to have to watch them die. But it's better to know them, to carry them on and let survive through your memories. If they die and no one knows their story, then it's like they never even existed. As long as one person remembers them, even if that memory is of you fighting to save them, then they'll live on." He was quiet as he absentmindedly played with a string from the frayed hem of his jacket sleeve.
"Do you remember them?" He finally asked in a voice so soft I wasn't sure if he had even spoke.
"Every one." I felt tears sting at the corners of my eyes. I swallowed hard and pushed them back.
"How do you live with it?" His voice was almost a whisper.
"You know that as long as you remember them, then they will never truly be dead." I bit my lip as I stared into his blue-grey eyes. "Death isn't just the absence of existence, true death is being forgotten."
He stared at me without seeing me, lost in memories and nightmares. His eyes refocused and he nodded once before turning and continuing on his way back to the infirmary. I watched him until I could no longer see him, then took a deep breath and walked back into the kitchen.
I sat down, lost in my own thoughts of death and struggle, before shaking myself mentally. I grabbed my cup, intent on washing it in the sink, but felt a warm liquid slosh over my thumb. I looked down and noticed my once empty cup was filled with the stew-like substance. I glanced up at the men; they all had little grins of satisfaction on their faces. I turned a questioning gaze to Malarkey who just shrugged.
"We heard what Doc said." He grinned. "You've taken care us, now it's time for us to take care of you." His statement was met with nods and smiles of affirmation. I smiled brightly at them all as my heart swelled with gratitude and I dug into the bowl while the men finished off what was left of theirs.
Yes, this was definitely home.
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As always, I would like to thank all of my reviewers! You guys are what keep me writing! Thank you all so very much! britt, EmmyMK, Harlequin Sequins, Azrael's Darkest Secrets, Lift the Wings, loveonspeedial, Master of Wishes, CP2girls, ally leigh, Ashlynn, and my newest reviewer zombie lovely! You guys rock!
britt- I thought you might like the name. And yes, I am going to put a ST reference into the story just because of that now. I have to get chairs out or climb on my cabinets to get things as well. I'm glad you liked the chapter and the look between Jo and Roe. I love that song! I was kind of thinking about it as I was writing that chapter as well. I couldn't imagine being a medic in that sort of setting either, well, I guess I sort of can because I write about… It must have been so hard for them to go through that. I love the song dropping! Please give me any suggestions you can think of. And I agree that Vienna does fit Jo pretty well. Thank you so much for the review!
Ashlynn- I'm glad you liked the last chapter. Jackson's death is sad and I hoped that I did justice to it. I liked writing the Gene and Jo scene, it just seemed to fit. Cooper will play a role later on in the story. Thank you so much for the review! I'm glad you enjoyed it!
As for everyone else who has read the story and not reviewed, please let me know what you think of this story, good, bad, not so bad, just let me know what you like or don't and any suggestions for improvement you may have!
Please take the time to leave me a review, it is always greatly appreciated!
Amanda
Edited 7/24/17