Chapter One-Hundred and Seventy-Three
Clarissa settled on the sofa beside John, taking his hand as he scratched Chance's chewed-on ear like he always did when he was anxious. She smiled at Holly, slipping her finger into John's watchband as she noticed he'd tightened it too far and his fingertips were slightly darker than the rest of his skin.
Holly handed John a treat for Chance, smiling as he gingerly took it from her and gave it to his Pit Bull. "John, how does seeing Clarissa make you feel?" She asked, nodding to the woman beside John.
John shook his head, squeezing his eyes tight against the shame. "No."
Clarissa sighed, touching his cheek with her free hand. "Johnny… please. I can't watch you relapse again." She looked into those dark eyes of his, noticing that the break in him hadn't healed itself. "You need to tell us what happened -why you used."
He took a shaky breath, swallowing the guilt as it rose in his throat. "I can't."
Holly's brow furrowed as she noticed that John had writing on his arms, wondering if this could possibly be a break through that she could use. "John, would you be able to write it? That way you wouldn't have to verbally tell us, and we could even read it while you're at lunch."
He shook his head, and Chance leapt onto the sofa with him as his heartrate changed. "I don't want it on paper."
Clarissa nodded, brushing his shaggy hair back behind his ear and touching the piercing in his lobe where the diamond had been stolen from. "Does it have something to do with the gang?" She asked, feeling his hand tighten around her own. "What they did to you?" He flinched, and she instantly knew they were slowly chipping the ice dam away to let the emotions behind flow like water from a spring. "Were you scared?" He squeezed his eyes shut, his hold on her hand becoming painfully tight. "Are you afraid that we don't love you anymore?"
A tear slid down John's cheek, a harsh sob tearing from his throat against his will. "Yes."
Holly adjusted in her seat, writing a few notes on the progress they were making. "Does seeing Clarissa make you feel like a failure?"
He nodded, his fingers digging into Chance's hair as he fought the memory. "Yeah."
Clarissa dropped her gaze, noticing how John's body language showed that he was close to telling it all. "Is it because you lost your virginity without consent?"
He shook his head, looking up at her. "They made me give consent…" He whispered, the image of the men looking at the photos of Claire and the women of the family flashing behind his eyes. "They, they said they would rape you and Claire and Amelia if I didn't… they had my wallet, they saw my old license it had the information they needed to find you… I couldn't let them find you." His voice cracked, as he bowed his head in shame. "I told them I wanted it. I told them… that I… wanted…" He couldn't finish the sentence, the memory growing too strong. "I'm sorry…"
Holly handed Clarissa a tissue to let her try to clean John up a little. "John, just because you said you wanted them to do that to you, doesn't mean it was consensual. The fact that they black mailed you into giving consent still classifies it as rape."
Clarissa nodded, feeling John's sobs slow as he shifted his head against her neck to look at Holly for a moment. "And we will always love you. No matter what." She smiled at him, kissing his temple as his body relaxed with her words. "You have never failed us, and you never will." She laughed as Chance licked John's jaw. "You're my baby, and a parent is always proud of her baby. No matter what they do. They are their child."