Mirror – Chapter 7
Michonne looked at the form that she had only filled out halfway. She was stuck on question number 11 which asked how did your child died with only two options – a) Accidental or b) Criminal.
Although the question appeared blunt and crude, she knew that this information was needed to assess all applicants needs correctly. However, that didn't prevent tears from forming in her eyes as the most painful answer to the question applied to her. She pushed the application form away from her unto the other seat beside her and exhaled slowly trying to calm the rapid beat of her heart, trying desperately to catch her breath.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Rosita looked anxiously at the clock on the wall behind her as well as discreetly monitoring their newest member. Carol and Karen had just arrived ten minutes earlier and instructed her to inform them the minute Rick arrived. Rosita saw when the woman pushed the application form aside and became worried.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Rick hastily pulled up in the car-park and parked his car. He dashed into the building and sprinted up the stairs and saw Rosita pacing outside the door of the CVOC room. When she saw him, she rushed up in a damn near panic.
"What's wrong? Rick asked breathlessly. "Did she leave?"
"No. She's still here but she was filling out the form and then stopped suddenly. I was afraid that she was going to bolt again!"
"Where is Carol and Karen? Are they here yet?"
"Yes and they want to see you."
"Ok."
Rick walked towards Carol's office and Rosita resumed her spying.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Michonne opened her eyes as her heartbeat finally started to beat at a steady speed. She got up and began walking around the room. She looked at the different award plaques on the walls and a small smile appeared on her lips. Maybe it was a good sign…that she was meant to be here. Maybe she will finally get the help that she needs.
Michonne walked further down the wall and saw a picture of three people who were labelled as the co-founders of the CVOC support group…a man and two women. She didn't recognize the women but her eyes widen on recognition of the man. Her eyes glanced down to the name written below identifying him.
Rick Grimes. His name is Rick Grimes. Pulling out her phone, Michonne punched in his name and did a quick name search. She gasped, covering her mouth at the headline of the first article to pop up.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Carol rose from behind her desk to greet Rick. She saw the relief on Rick's face.
"I can safely presume she's still here."
"Yes." Rick said trying to suppress a smile. "How are we going to handle this?"
"I don't know her or her case. I can't assess her just like that. I need to observe her if she stays for today's session."
"If?" Rick asked, eyes narrowing at Carol.
"Yes Rick…If. There is a strong possibility that when we walk into that room…she could be gone….again."
Rick put his hands on his hips and Carol continued.
"But…the fact that she returned is a good sign."
Carol, Rick and Karen looked at each other.
"Shall we?" Karen asked, gesturing to the door.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Rosita saw Rick and the others coming out of Carol's office and walked up to them.
"She's still here and we have four other new members as well as eight of our regular members today."
"Ok. Finish registering the new members and usher them inside."
"Ok."
Rosita, Carol and Karen looked on as Rick approached the door.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Michonne heard voices coming from behind the door. Using her fingers, Michonne scrolled quickly through the article about Rick Grimes, her eyes glistening over as certain words jumped out at her…3 children…no survivors….closed casket.
She swallowed hard. Suddenly, someone touched her on her shoulder causing her to scream out, dropping her phone simultaneously. She turned around, clutching her chest, wide eyed.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Rick immediately rushed to pick up the phone that fell from the woman's hand, apologizing profusely at the same time.
"Oh God! I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to frighten you!"
Rick handed the phone back to the woman who was staring at him. Her hands were shaking, still clutching her chest. After a few seconds, her eyes slid down to the Rick's extended hand with her phone in it.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"I'm sorry."
Rick said again softly and calmly as possible to soothe the woman. She only stared at him and he was praying that he didn't do any more emotional damage to her. Slowly she reached out and took the phone from him, but he noticed that she was careful not to touch him.
"Thank you." Michonne said softly.
"My name is Rick Grimes but you could just call me Rick. We go on a first name basis here to make everyone feel as comfortable as possible."
Rick saw the woman relaxed abit and he was so happy to see that.
"And you are?" He prodded gently.
"Michonne."
Rick extended his hand to her again, smiling at her. She shook it.
"Very nice to meet you Michonne and welcome to our support group.
Michonne smiled slightly and both heads turned to the sound of voices coming through the door.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Carol was the first one through the door and saw Rick shaking a woman's hand. From Rosita's description over the phone Carol knew that it was the woman who had fled from Rick. She nodded in their direction while stepping aside for the other persons to come through.
One by one, person's old and new members began taking their desired seats. Carol watched as Rick showed Michonne to a seat where he could have a clear view of her from where he usually sits at the front. Michonne quickly diverted abit to collect her incomplete form, walked back over and handed it to Rick with hesitation.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~
"I am sorry but it's incomplete." Michonne said looking down at the form.
"It's ok."
"I couldn't get pass question 11."
Without turning around, Rick handed the paper to the back of him and it was collected by Rosita.
"Question 11 is one of the hardest of all. Answering it actually lends credence to why people come here. It makes everything real. No-one here wants that."
Michonne nodded in humble agreement.
"I want you to know that the first sessions for new persons are always the hardest and because of that we encourage persons to cry if they have to. It helps to break the ice among the members and the older ones gives support to the newer ones."
Michonne looked around at the other members.
"That's nice. Some of us need that support to actually keep on breathing...living."
"I know." Rick said pausing abit. "Are you one of those people...who need help to keep on living?"
Michonne turned her head around quickly to face Rick and he saw that her eyes were brimming with tears.
"Yes."
"Then you are in the right place. I will help you."~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Everyone was seated and a new member stood up and introduced herself. She was trembling and her eyes were red and puffy.
"My name is Petra."
"Hi Petra!" everyone said in unison.
"I lost my daughter to a drowning accident while she was on a school fishing trip. Her name was Arya and she was 8 years old."
As the woman continued to relate her story Rick glanced over at Michonne observing her. She was wringing her hands vigorously infront of her on her lap and it appeared as she was gasping….having difficulty in breathing. She closed her eyes and he looked over at Carol who was also observing Michonne as well. Carol looked at him and then back at the woman who was relating her story.
"The coast guards did their best to find her body to no avail. Her body was found four days later when the tide brought it back in."
Petra burst into tears.
"Her face was unrecognizable. The autopsy said that it was possible that her body was smashed upon the rocks before sinking to the ocean floor."
Some of the members of the group stood up to comfort her except for Michonne. Carol whispered to Rick who was now practically staring at Michonne.
"I don't think she's going to make it through this first session. We need to call for a break so she could catch herself."
"I agree." Rick murmured to her. Karen nodded in agreement and announced to the group that there would be a ten minute recess. Carol and Karen made their way across to Michonne who had her face buried in her hands.
"Hi."
Michonne looked up and saw the two ladies from the picture on the wall standing before her.
"I'm Carol and this is Karen."
Michonne stood up.
"Michonne."
"Yes. Rick told us." Michonne glanced over to Rick and saw that he was speaking to other persons. He glimpsed over at her, smiling gently…his blue eyes warm and welcoming. She turned away to face the ladies again.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Rick saw when his colleagues walked over to Michonne. The usual policy is that since Carol and Karen didn't suffer the emotional trauma like their clients that it would be best for them and particularly Carol to make the first initial contact with all new members so that she can assess their emotional level and plot a course of personalized treatment if it is needed.
The only reason that Carol allowed him to speak to her again before the meeting was to show Michonne that although she had fled from him previously, she had nothing to fear from Rick and to comfort her that she will get the help and support she so desperately needs. He turned away from them to greet other new members and saw that Jessie was approaching him.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"So…what do you think about the group?" Karen asked.
"You have something really good going on here."
"Thank you. I know that this is your first day but how have you been holding up so far?"
"Difficult..." Michonne said looking away briefly at the other people in the room like her and to quickly wipe away resurfacing tears. "Being in a room so full of pain and hurt and anger and grief…where everyone had such different experiences and felt different things at different times but have all come together collectively for help…for a single solution."
"That's what it's all about."
"It's unnerving." Michonne whispered. "I felt like I was suffocating. I couldn't breathe."
"Yes. I saw that." Carol said as a matter of factly.
Michonne looked at her.
"My primary goal here Michonne is to interact and assess new members." Carol explained. "In addition to group session, I develop individual grief counselling plans to help persons who may need it."
Michonne pondered on her words.
"Does it actually work? These plans?"
"Well most people don't require it. What most people tend to need is a safe, confidential place to cry without being judged or seen as overly dramatic and to ask the general questions of who, what, why, when and how."
"Which question is most common?"
Carol looked at Michonne solemnly.
"The question of why?"
There was a moment of pondering by Michonne.
"What about the others...the ones who need individual counselling plans? What questions do they need answered?"
"Just one question. They ask the question of self-blame."
"Which is?"
"What if?"
Both Karen and Carol knew they hit a nerve when Carol said those two words when they saw Michonne swallowed hard.
"Some people tend to blame themselves asking…what if they had done this instead of that or what if they had walked instead of taking a taxi or what if they were paying closer attention instead of looking away for a milli second."
"Oh…"
A minute of silence grew heavy between them until Rick came over.
"I think we could resume session."
"Ok." Karen said as she began ushering person back to their seats. Michonne sat down quietly in her seat, leaving Carol mulling over their conversation in her mind.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Twenty minutes had passed with three other new members introducing themselves…one of them being a man named Neil. It was uncanny seeing a man cried for his son who died when his babysitter shook him to death because he wouldn't stop crying. It was also refreshing to see a man openly cry instead of playing macho. Cayla's own father didn't cry for her when she was taken although he claimed he did when he was alone.
The man, who was sitting just one seat away from her dropped to his knees and cried and Michonne reached out and engulfed into her arms, she herself crying into his shoulders. She held him there and rocked him gently as another new member stood up and began relaying her story.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Neil pulled away from Michonne.
"Thank you." He said softly.
"You're welcome."
"Michonne?"
Michonne's head snapped around to the sound of Rick's voice.
"Do you want to share your story with us?"
Michonne looked around at the smiling faces of the other members around her. Some were nodding and smiling, encouraging her to share.
"Please?" Rick asked.
Michonne saw the kindness in his eyes but she just wasn't ready to open up as yet. She began wringing her hands in her laps again and feeling flustered. Carol noticed and intervened.
"You don't have to share anything if you are not ready Michonne. Take your time."
Michonne nodded and closed her eyes. Karen looked at the time and indicated to her colleagues that it was time to wrap up the session. One of the members Jessie quickly offered to say the evening prayer to close off. Everyone bowed their heads and Jessie began.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Jessie was only three sentences into the prayer when Michonne opened her eyes. She looked around and saw everyone with their eyes closed and their heads bowed. She was drained emotionally from all the stories she had heard today and she needed some time to herself.
She will admit that she doesn't have any regrets about coming to this support group and she will come back again sometime soon. However, she will not deny that it was abit too much for her at this present time.
She knows that she is not the only parent to lose a child under any circumstances but she was just so use to walking this lonely road alone. The one person who she wanted to share her pain with abandoned her and since then she hasn't shared or let anyone in.
Michonne quietly picked up her bag from the nearby chair and shift uncomfortably. She wanted to leave, before Carol and Karen and maybe also Rick swarm her again. She realized that Carol had taken an interest in her and she suspected that it was because of Rick, who most likely told them of her fleeing the building on her earlier visit some time ago.
Her only way out is to leave…leave now, when no-one was looking and the exit would be clean. She will answer any questions they had on her next visit. She looked around one more time and seeing the coast was clear, she slowly slipped off her seat and headed towards the door.
When Michonne pushed the door open, she felt a knot in the pit of her stomach and when she turned around, a pair of baby blues was looking straight at her. She froze as she didn't know if to return to her seat or to bolt again. She just stood there looking at him and he at her.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
It was sheer luck that made Rick open his eyes and he was shocked to see Michonne's seat empty and her sneaking out before the prayer was over. He had decided that if she didn't look back that he was going to let her leave peaceful as it seemed to be her wish but he prayed for the opposite…that she would look back and see him and his prayers were answered. He got up and walked towards her unaware that he had bumped slightly into Carol sitting next to him. She opened her eyes slightly and turned her head.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"I'm sorry." Michonne whispered…looking up to Rick when he got near her.
When he said nothing, she looked away but was taken by surprise when he gently took her hand and led her out of the room and into the corridor.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Rosita was on the phone, giving out direction to the building location when she saw Rick walked out of the room with her former spy target in tow. She wasn't too concerned until she saw that he was holding her hand. Rick glanced at Rosita and she smiled at him. Rick led the woman towards the stairs and they disappeared.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Michonne's mind was racing as she followed Rick down the stairs towards the lobby of the building. With each step they took, she was beginning to feel more ashamed of her actions. The least she could have done was to stay and mingle with the others and say goodbye to Carol and Karen.
"I'm sorry." Michonne offered again.
Rick didn't answer. Instead, he looked back at her smiling and squeezed her hand. Taking that as a good faith gesture of him acknowledging her apology, Michonne smiled back. Seconds later, they were in the lobby. They walked across the lobby and Rick paused by the large revolving glass doors. He turned to her.
"Do you have a car?"
"No. I took a taxi to come here."
"Ok."
Rick guided her out the door to the pavement and hailed a passing taxi. Rick opened the door but stopped Michonne from getting in confusing her.
"I know today was overwhelming but I don't want you to give up on us. We can help you. I want to help you."
"Why? Because you lost someone too?"
The question took Rick by surprise and despite his best efforts, his face betrayed him and Michonne saw the uncomfortableness of the question. She instantly had regrets obout her statement.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that."
She turned to get into the taxi and he stopped her again.
"To answer your question...yes. It is because I lost someone very very close to me and it was the grief that motivated me to co-found this group with Carol and Karen…to help people like me…like us."
Michonne nodded, accepting his explanation. Rick pulled out a card and pressed it in her hands.
"This is my personal number. You can call me anytime…day or night if you ever need to talk." He paused. "I will be seeing you again at the next session…right?"
"Yes."
Rick smiled. Michonne got into the taxi and it drove off.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Rick had barely walked through his office door when Carol came in behind him. She closed the door for privacy.
"What?" Rick asked.
"Don't get attached Rick. It's not healthy for you or for her."
"When have I ever gotten attached to any of our clients?"
"Never…until now!"
Rick took a seat behind his desk saying nothing.
"I'm just trying to help her."
"That's what you keep telling yourself but I am seeing it. You're emotionally involved and it could lead to other types of involvement. We need to keep the integrity of this place intact."
"And we will."
Carol frowned at him before turning to leave.
"Don't get involved Rick. Promise me."
Carol left the office without receiving a reply.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*