Chapter 5.
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or any characters related.
1:08 AM:
Picking up on the progressive shift in Naruto's breathing, Sakura silently wished him a rest-filled sleep before slipping out of the room and turning off the switch for the hallway light; the brightness emanating from the living room was more then enough for her to be able to see in.
Walking up the corridor, Sakura untied the sash and reluctantly began to withdraw her arms from the sleeves. Even with the few kimonos she had at home for events and special occasions, they didn't quite do justice in comparison to the homespun, tailored-like robe that seemed to create the image of brillent sunsets across her mind.
"Why don't you just steal the blasted thing if you like it so much?" she sarcastically chided in regards to her obvious favoritism directed towards the article of clothing she had been wearing since she'd first arrived here.
Succeding in untangling herself and stepping up to the bathroom, Sakura reached around the edge of the door and hung the robe along the hook that had been drilled into the back, double-checking to make sure that it wouldn't slip and plummet to the floor. She then proceeded to pat down any smudges and smooth out any wrinkles she might have left through wear and sitting on it. After all, she wouldn't have been impressed if she allowed somebody to wear something of hers just to have it mismanaged and dirty, and even though she was quite certain that she had been careful enough, it didn't hurt to give it a once over just to be sure.
After the quick but thorough inspection, she backed out into the hallway and closed the door so that it shut with a light click. Heading up towards the start of the corridor, Sakura was just about to round the bend at the junction of the living room and kitchen when a sudden noise caused her to slow down, eventually coming to a stop.
Cocking her head in the opposite direction, she immediately recognized the distinctive sound of Naruto's light snoring floating in from the other end. Under the full glow of the room, an apologetic frown was preparing to take shape across her face, but she managed to turn it into a awkward smile deciding that any further rationalizing about the late hour at this point was an overdrawn venture. If Naruto had wanted to stay up any further, he would have still been out here when she had finished up in the bathroom, and she probably would have boxed his ears off in an attempt to shoo him to bed. And even though she was still a touch confused that he hadn't really reacted all that much, she was sure her purse would take most of the damage in the end after she was done paying for his dinner.
Even after thinking it over, a free meal almost seemed like a seemingly small price to pay in exchange for what she had put Naruto through. He was nice like that: always willing to put his own health and well-being aside in order to help someone else out with their own problems. She'd had a partial idea of Naruto's generosity, but until tonight had never understood the depth of that characteristic. She already knew that Sasuke, in neither past nor present, would never have put up with any of her crybaby-like conduct.
"If anything, you're the one who has the big heart," she murmured down the hallway, still unable to completely accept Naruto's earlier statement. Whether it was just through his point of view or else his own ridiculous perspective but whatever the reason was, she just couldn't bring herself to see it.
Either that or maybe deep down, she didn't want to.
Snorting, she quickly crossed the living area, moving past a tall, leafy plant that sprouted out from a gardening pot next to the end of the couch closest to the hallway, the leaves quivering from her fast pace as she stepped up to his fan and turned it off. The soft breeze diminishing, Sakura stepped over to the porch and began to slip her sandals on, ignoring the winds that shuddered against the door like some rampaging animal. She was already aware that it had started to rain at some point, but she wasn't quite sure just how much or how hard. The sound of moisture hammering against his roof gave a fair indication that it was more then just a simple shower. No, those winds had definitely blown something substantial in.
"Guess I'll find out," she said, doing a final adjustment on her right sandal. Once she was set, she placed her right hand over the light switch and reached for the door handle with the other. Slowly twisting the knob, Sakura took the extra precaution of bracing her foot against the bottom of the door so that it didn't happen to swing backwards and make a racket against the wall.
Shutting the light off and opening the door, she carefully edged her foot back allowing the gust to push against the wood, giving some room to wedge her shoulder against the smooth edge around the door. She took one glance…and then one long breath and let it out in a slow sigh of defeat. "So much for a simple shower," she muttered dryly into the night.
Dark clouds had settled themselves in over the entirety of the village. A prickly storm of rain and wind barraged the surrounding buildings and canopy-less walkway in front of her. The cold chill from the downpour made her curse the fact that she had walked out of her house without wearing something that would have at least protected her arms from the elements. Even as she stood there, hard droplets easily found their way in, splashing against her cheeks and forehead as well as her ankles and bare feet. "Going home is going to be so much fun," Sakura muttered, but it was a ridiculous question and she knew it.
Right now, she had two options: Brave the storm and walk home, or else stay put where she was at. Going to Ino's was another possibility, but it was a choice that Sakura really didn't feel like taking into consideration. As far as she was concerned, the weather had pretty well sealed her fate. Plus without a coat, the chances of catching a cold seemed quite likely. And really, it was an unnecessary risk to begin with. Not when she could stay where it was warm and dry. Naruto hadn't exactly offered her the chance, but she was certain that he wouldn't mind if she spent the night. She'd already learnt her lesson from earlier with the bathroom scenario—and he would never let her live it down if she did come down with something.
Her face saturated, Sakura took a couple deep breaths, enjoying the crisp scent associated with rainstorms. After spending all that time in his house, the brisk air was a welcoming change of atmosphere. She was still chilled, but the gratification of knowing that she didn't have to walk out in that downpour after all warmed her spirit. As for her parents, she could simply explain that she had spent the night at a friend's house, not a big deal and it was technically the truth. Besides, they wouldn't want her walking out in bad weather anymore then she did if it could be prevented. It just made sense to stay. Her inner voice, however, had a different opinion on the matter.
"Oh, please, enough with the stupid excuses, girl. Why don't you just go ahead and admit that you never wanted to leave in the first place, and that the rain makes for a concrete alibi to exploit the situation."
"Shut up," she muttered, instantly protesting the argument and feeling stupid for even trying to deny it. Trying to place any blame on Naruto for keeping her from leaving sounded just as stupid to her now as it had been earlier. While the place wasn't exactly spacious or glamorous, it was quite cozy and blissfully quiet. Perhaps a little messy, but that just seemed like a natural reflection of his whirlwind personality. Plus she had to give him a few points for keeping a clean bathroom. Little things like that went a long way—
And speaking of messes, she suddenly noticed that she was making one right now. Even with the door partially open, a light film of water was starting to drench at her feet and the exposed porch area.
Rolling her eyes at her own stupidity, Sakura quickly shut the door. Flicking the power switch back on, she wiped the rain away from her face and looked down at the floor to see how much damage had been done. A closer look in the light revealed that the water hadn't splashed as badly as she thought it had. The floor would eventually dry, but she would feel better if she could find something to soak up the rainwater with now. In the kitchen, she had noticed the handle of a cleaning mop sitting in a bucket over in the corner on the opposite side of his sink. Kicking her sandals off, she sped across the living room and into the kitchen to retrieve the needed cleaning tools, not bothering to turn on any additional lights.
Hurrying back she moved his footwear out of the way and proceeded to clean up the soaked area, rinsing the mop over the bucket and redoing the floor until the majority of the water was gone. She then opened the door and flung the dirty water outside.
After re-shutting and locking up, Sakura returned to the kitchen and set the mop and pail back where she had found it. Trudging back into the living room, Sakura took the corner of the couch closest to her and sank against the cushion, streamlined leaves quivering from the shift in movement.
"Cleaning floors...at this hour, and here of all places. Who would have thought?" Sakura sighed, feeling a mite silly that she'd reacted so strongly about cleaning the area at that instant. It wasn't like anything was going to get wrecked or ruined if it wasn't done promptly. She just felt that it was her responsibility to fix the problem. She'd made the mess, and she would be the one to clean it up. Sakura just hoped that she hadn't awoken Naruto during the escapade.
"Fat chance," Sakura remarked, answering her own question. Even in the most hostile conditions, that dummy could sleep just as soundly as some lazy cat lounging around on a mat. Gallivanting around wasn't about to bring him charging down the hallway like some frenzied madman.
Taking some relief in that, Sakura pulled her feet up and turned to lounge out on the couch, casually crooking her arm so that her head rested against the inside of her wrist. Glancing up, Sakura made an oh-yuck face at the various brown stains that scattered along his ceiling. Naruto's caretaker obviously wasn't in the habit of keeping his building up to code. And if somebody even wanted to try his or her luck at repairing the roof, it seemed more then likely that the weakened support would probably just give way, a nasty surprise for the unfortunate person stupid enough to try and fix something that could only be considered a death trap.
Sakura chuckled as she rolled over on her left side propping her elbow up; the back of her fingertips bumping against the smooth edge of a branch extending from the base of the plant. The blunt image of someone's foot plunging through a soft section in the ceiling, notably Naruto's, caused her to choke back a sudden fit of hysteric laughter. His comical reaction would have been absolutely priceless, so long as he wasn't hurt in the process.
Taking a leaf between her fingertips, Sakura's eyes began to wander about the surroundings of his living room. On the walls across, there looked to be several bare spots where old paint had flaked and fallen off making her wonder when the place had last received a paint job. She noticed a battered, old television in the corner across near the window but didn't feel like turning it on. There wouldn't be anything on at this hour and she wasn't the kind of person who generally watched T.V. regardless.
The problem was that she didn't feel tired at all. That activity from earlier should have been enough to put her to sleep, yet she lay there feeling bright-eyed and alert. She placed the blame squarely on the sweet cake and tea she had partaken in.
"It also might be because I've never slept here before."
As comfortable as the couch was, it still didn't replace the familiarity of being in her own bed. There also wasn't a blanket or anything close by that she could use to cover herself up with and she hadn't noticed any spare quilts lying around either. The only other possibility she could think of was to again retrieve the bathrobe and use that as a crude comforter.
"There's also yet another choice," inner Sakura slyly added into the equation, offering an alternative to her owner's plight.
It took Sakura a moment to realize what the persona was suggesting. Her cheeks flushed a light pink after finally making the connection. "Yeah, I'm sure he'd really appreciate that," she said sarcastically.
"I'm pretty sure he would too," the voice calmly retorted.
Sakura swung her legs out from the couch and briskly walked over to the bathroom, doing her best to erase the comment from memory. Opening the door, she reached around and yanked the robe up off the hook, but her flare of agitatation at the suggestion caused Sakura to pull the door much harder then she had intended and ended up slamming it. To her, the crashing noise seemed to echo back and forth through the hallway like a massive thunderclap.
For a few tense seconds, she stood there nervously listening for any possible changes in his sleeping pattern. "Sakura, you idiot! Think you could make any more noise?" she hissed venomously. Usually she had a firm grip on her temper when the moment called for it, but this was one of those many times when she reacted strictly out of retaliation then logic. It was a bad habit that she knew still needed work, a lot of work she thought sourly.
Finally registering the unbroken sound of his snoring, Sakura's shoulders began to relax. Noises were always louder to the person making them anyways.
Shutting the light off, Sakura weaved her through the living room towards the sofa, mumbling a colorful expletive after banging her foot against a wooden leg that would have made Kakashi blush. Stretching herself out, she pulled the long robe up around her body and ankles and began to make herself comfortable again. Closing her eyes, she hoped that the now darkened setting in addition to the tranquil sound of the falling rain, despite being in a different house, would make it easier for her to fall asleep. Even though she was in a state of relaxation, her mind continued to buzz with unrelenting activity.
Minutes went by as she continued to lay there in restlessness, her annoyance growing with each moment. It was almost as if something within was deliberately keeping her awake for a purpose. Sakura rolled over on to her other side so that her face was buried against the cushion. It wasn't exactly her preferred position to be sleeping on, but the change might have been what she needed to slip into a doze. The ticking of the clock above her seemed uncomfortably loud right now. After a couple more minutes and realizing that nothing was happening, Sakura finally rolled onto her back, glaring at the ceiling while smacking the back of her hand against the cushion in moderate irritation. Whether it was the fact of being in someone else's house, the damn clock, lack of a pillow or that persistent buzzing in her head. Whichever the reason was, something was preventing her from going to sleep.
Finally giving up, Sakura lifted her head from the armrest and sat up against the cushion with a blatant huff, the top of the couch bumping against the wall. Even with all the conditions in her favor, she had practically counted on something like this occurring.
She propped her still aching foot on the edge of the coffee table and crudely wrapped the back of the robe around herself, Sakura's eyes slowly adjusting to the murkiness of the apartment. The streetlamps outside were distant and unable to provide much if any additional lighting to chase away the lingering shadows, while the raindrops continued to spatter relentlessly against the windowsill.
"I wish that I could fall asleep as quickly as he does," she pouted tossing an envious glance in the direction of Naruto's room. She supposed that sleep depravation was a small price to pay for choosing not to get wet, as well as being a complete drama queen. Naruto must have surely thought so as well. That peculiar expression she had seen on his face after tucking him in must have been one of relief even though it didn't really explain why he had also looked so sad.
Even as she began to dwell on the memory, the consistent buzzing that had been torturing her brain like horrible background music finally ceased, almost as if she'd inadvertently avoided a question that hadn't been asked. Now after sitting there and thinking about it some more, the inquiry began to expand itself like air being pumped into a balloon.
Ever since she'd walked out of his bedroom there had been something small and intangible gnawing away at her like a bug. It was very similar to the multitude of emotions she had experienced after her meeting with him earlier. Feelings of sadness, gratitude, shock, fear and happiness had all mixed together to concoct a powerful brew of uncertainty within her but uncertainty of what?
Looking down at the substitution of a blanket, she easily remembered how upset she'd been with Naruto after he had told her to have his robe if something were ever to happen to him. The very idea of thinking he could try to appease her in such a way was a gross insult. A piece of clothing could never replace the mischievous antics she had grown accustomed to or that confident smile she would always see when ever an obstacle reared its head in an attempt to derail him in his quest to become the Hokage. How dare he even consider his life to be inconsequential?
Her eyes suddenly began to sting in response to a series of tragic scenarios that her suggestive mind suddenly projected for her. Several dire possibilities ranging from Naruto in a vegetative state of comatose to standing by his monumental stone in the heaping rain sent a bleak wave of anger and despair through her like corrosive acid. She knew that she was being completely irrational with herself right now, but if the unthinkable were ever to happen to him…
Snapping out of her daydream, she quickly stammered, "What—what the hell am I doing?" Immediately pressing a hand against her chest as the rapid sound of her heart thudded loudly in her ears. Shaking her head, Sakura felt immensely stupid for allowing her vivid imagination to run amok like that. She had either been sitting in the dark for far too long, or else she was starting to lose it. Right now as far as she was concerned: both seemed to make good explanations
Her breathing under control, Sakura sat up and ran a set of fingers over the front of her pink bangs, a long, tight exhalation escaped from her pursed lips, releasing most of the stress that had formed within her stomach, but not enough to erase the echo of fear that had inexplicably taken hold of her.
When she had first sought out to become a kunoichi, one of her most disturbing fears was the thought of someone she cared about being killed in the line of duty. She recalled the immense grief she had felt after seeing Sasuke laying on the ground with needles sticking out from his prone body during the mission in the wave country. If Sasuke had died that day, she probably couldn't have continued on her service as a ninja. It was probably why she had been so nitpicky after the his near death incident.
On the other hand, any concern that she had expressed for Naruto had been mostly kept in the back of her mind as an after thought. After all, his resilience and cocky demeanor had always pulled him through any minor scraps and injuries that he encountered. She had no reason to assume that that would ever change. And it was through that safeguard that she had no reason to assume that something could ever happen to that dummy. Death was just simply not a factor in his case.
But now that bubble of security was breached, and the realization of what could have happened that day suddenly left her shaken in a way she had never felt before. If she hadn't been simmering so long in her own stew of pretentious matters, then maybe she wouldn't be sitting here in the dark, continuously chastising herself for the past like a criminal.
"I should have said something more to him," she acknowledged aloud, the toll of leaving things unsaid once again weighing heavily on her mind. "And not just something trivial or out of being sorry for him or for myself, and something more practical then just a simple thank you."
"And why didn't you?" the inner voice coolly asked.
Sakura massaged her temples with both hands, a dozen reasons attacking her all at once. "I don't know," she muttered in exasperation, "maybe because it was always easy to brush him aside in the past and that old habits have a way of presenting themselves at inopportune times? Or maybe it's because I really am a rotten person after all who doesn't think of anyone but herself, or maybe I'd—"
"—'Accidentally' blurt out something you shouldn't have," the persona finished for her, swiftly ending the tirade and nailing the bull's-eye, all at the same time.
Feeling disgusted, Sakura dropped her hands on her lap and sighed, the gesture practically a reflex now. Everything seemed to fall back to that crashing moment when Naruto had told her that he loved her, as well as the aftermath when he had rushed off to refill her glass. She didn't need women intuition to understand that an action like that practically screamed rejection. It was almost the same thing with that look she'd seen at his bedside. The feeling wasn't as strong but there had been something there that had put her on edge. That, or maybe she was making a big deal out of nothing. Sakura sighed again. She should have said something.
"Go talk to him then if it bothers you so much," the persona offered simply.
Sakura instantly frowned at the absurd suggestion. "And what good would that do?" she demanded.
"A lot more good then just sitting here and brooding," came the reply. "Instead of hiding from the truth and blaming yourself, you could go and take some initiative already. You can't sleep anyways and it'll do you more good in the long run"
Sakura was unconvinced. "I still don't see how that's going to help. And besides, he's sleeping. What happens if he wakes up?"
"Consider the luxury of the situation. You have a chance to say what you need to without having to worry about him jumping in like a rabbit. Granted it doesn't quite rub that yellow streak off of your back, but the opportunity is there, if you're willing to take it that is. And you already know he won't wake up," the inner persona added to discredit the lame excuse.
Slanting her head against the couch, she pressed her hand over her eyes in a manner resembling that of a sane person reaching their limits on reality comprehension. She was already in agreement that this was one of the last places she had ever expected to be. That and a few other things she'd otherwise started to acknowledge and accept. No problems there.
Now, because of some unexpected, harbored fear that had shown itself like a hungry creature in the dark, she now wanted to go back in there for the sole purpose of speaking to him again…in his sleep?
Sakura chewed on her lower lip nervously. The idea while idiotic did hold a surprising sense of appeal to her. Considering what little she was accomplishing here, she didn't have much to lose…or to gain for that matter.
She still wasn't sure when she pulled her feet off from the table to the floor and slowly stood up. Deliberately leaving the robe on the couch and carefully stepping towards the corridor, Sakura made sure that he could hear his snoring before proceeding with incredibly slow footsteps. Combined with the unnecessary use of her chakra, even a deer would have been hard-pressed to hear her approaching.
Twice she stopped in the hallway, insecurity and trepidation at invading her friend's personal space nearly causing her to backpedal and on both times she forced herself to stop and remember why she was doing this. She carried on once her courage had renewed to a steady point.
"This is so stupid," Sakura grumbled.
Nearing the end of the hall, she tiptoed up to the corner and carefully peered inside. The large window on the opposite wall made the room a little less murky then the rest of the apartment. Aside from the rainwater skidding down the window it was the same as she had left it minutes ago. Her eyes had adjusted to the dark well enough so that she could navigate across his cluttered floor without tripping over anything.
"Typical boy," she thought to herself, sliding aside a glittering kunai with the edge of her foot.
Finally closing the distance, Sakura stepped up to his bed and peered down at him. During his sleep he had rolled over on to his back. His comforter was partially strewn around him in a chaotic mess of tangles. His right arm was draped along his chest while the other was outstretched in the opposite direction. Naruto's shirt was hiked up enough so that she could see the circle of his belly button sticking out and the lower curve of his ribcage.
Shaking her head she reached down and tugged along the bottom of his shirt to cover up his exposed skin. His soft snoring didn't waver as she gently took hold of his arm and slipped it back to his side, moving slowly so that the physical contact wouldn't jar him into waking up. After covering him back up with his blanket she tentatively took a seat at the edge of his bed, her light build barely sunk against the springs of the firm mattress while she scowled (having caught the illumination of his digital clock sitting on his night table). She was just settling in when his snoring stopped
For a pair of heartbeats, Sakura thought he was going to sit up in confusion. Had the bedsprings squeaked too loudly? Her mind fought furiously for a plausible excuse, but then he took in another breath and continued to snore peacefully like clockwork.
Sakura wondered again for the umpteenth time what the hell she was doing by walking in here. Sitting here and watching someone sleep could practically be chalked up as being an invasion of privacy. It should almost be the other way around with her sleeping and him watching over her with barely subdued interest. She'd bopped him a couple times in the past for catching him in the act. The irony she thought.
She bent over and whispered in her softest pitch of voice possible, "Naruto…can you hear me?" In her mind, the posed question still sounded much to loud. Her inner persona seemed to laugh.
"Couldn't even wait to find out if he was sleeping or not, could you?" the voice mocked in her ear.
Tossing aside her embarrassment, Sakura leaned back a touch and repeated the question again, a trifle louder this time, and in turn received the same snoring response. He was clearly out cold and looked as if he was going to stay that way. Only with that in mind did Sakura finally start to unwind, gradually releasing the breath she didn't know she had been holding.
That problem out of the way, the next was figuring out what exactly she wanted to say to say to him. It wasn't like he was going to correct her or anything but there was still a feeling of certain awkwardness involved. And besides the only person who could screw this up now, she knew, was her.
Seconds turned into minutes as she sat there watching his chest rise and fall with each new breath he took. She also noted that the room had a bit of a chill to it from the window being slightly ajar. She wished that she had remembered to bring the robe with her, but she wasn't about to go and retrieve it at this point either. Besides, it wasn't that bad anyways.
Her eyes softened at the sight of his sleeping face. Studying his facial features, Sakura couldn't help but notice just how peaceful he looked right now; the term 'carefree' seemed to be woven into his very cheek muscles. He looked completely devoid of any sadness.
"I suppose he does look kind of cute, but only when he's sleeping and not making a huge racket," she noted, willingly conceding the point.
"Face it girl, he's just plain cute!" her inner self added triumphantly.
Sakura reluctantly nodded. Technically he wasn't that bad-looking to begin with. She had never really stood up and taken any real notice, other then during the Chuunin exam in the forest of death when she had been forced to look him over. It had always been Sasuke who had received the special attention.
Blowing her bangs away from her eyes, Sakura leaned forward again. "If you knew how much pointless junk I've been putting myself through since I walked out of here, you wouldn't even begin to believe it. I guess it serves me right for sitting out there by myself, drowning in my thoughts about things which no sane person should ever do to themselves, especially me."
Ignoring the fact that she was babbling Sakura continued, "It's probably better that you're not awake to hear any of this. That doesn't make me any less of a coward; it's just that I'm not even sure what exactly too say." The sound of her own words caused her to shake her head in disbelief. After all of this time of calling him an idiot, she decided that maybe she was the one who fit that description in the end.
"You can berate yourself later. Dammit, talk to him already!" she growled silently.
Making sure to keep it quiet, Sakura hesitantly cleared her throat. "I don't know how this is going to go, so…I'm just going to start talking and whatever comes out, well, it comes out, okay?" she said, though the question was mostly to relieve her own racing apprehension.
"There were…a lot things I should have told you tonight that I didn't," she began to say. "I mean, I did tell you things, but not without bawling one moment and acting all weird in the next moment like a teeter-totter," she added with light sarcasm.
Continuing to snore, Naruto made no motion to indicate that he heard her.
Sakura took a reassuring breath before continuing, "I won't make any excuses for how I've been acting this week. Instead of being a drama queen, I should have been there for you instead of being the other way around. Ignoring you like that— it was wrong, and I'm sorry."
She slid up a little closer so that she was sitting next to him at waist level, her bright eyes once again taking in his tranquil, sleeping profile, gently brushing aside some loose hair that had fallen against his eyelids while he'd switched positions.
"I thought about what you said to me on the bridge and about what you posed in regards to Sasuke. In the past whenever that question came to mind, I would always try to deny it or tell myself that everything would eventually change for the best. I thought that way for a long time, but it wasn't until tonight when you asked me the same thing that I started to realize that I couldn't spin that lie, at least not anymore."
Sakura finished with the light gesture and pulled her hand back from the smooth skin of his forehead, letting it rest on the right side of his space, aware that this one-sided conversation was strikingly similar to what she had been saying to him up until the prank episode.
"You really cheered me up earlier," she told him. "I never realized just how lonely I was until you showed up. It wasn't just about what you said or did either, but it was about how natural the whole thing felt. And after you left, I wanted so badly to just run after you," she admitted, deliberately biting back the all-to-familiar ebb of guilt that threatened to overtake the forced softness of her voice "I knew that it was late, that you were tired and just wanted to sleep, but I didn't want it to end like that. I don't really understand why, but it just felt important that I come see you."
She suddenly shook her head, "No, that's not right either," she said, correcting her last statement. Her hand flexing against the mattress.
"I came over here tonight, because…because I wanted to be comforted to begin with," she confessed, weakly trying to make amends for her guilty conscience. "What you did on the bridge seemed so completely out of place, and at the same time, felt so utterly right. And the thing that has me feeling so reprehensible about it is that the person who I thought I knew so well and loathed so easily was only doing something that they would have done at any given time. You weren't putting on an act or anything. What you were being was just you to begin with."
"And that has you worried, doesn't it?"
Sakura tortured her lower lip with her teeth and looked down, having an instant understanding behind the jumble of words she had just blurted out to him. The question she had asked herself about Naruto being a security blanket had been nothing short of a joke to begin with. Naruto had probably been aware of that as well, but had had the polite sense not to criticize her for it. It had also been nothing more but a screen used to mask the insecure sense that she was feeling something for him that couldn't possibly be true. It would have explained why she was so willing to be close to him right now, and why she didn't feel any hostilities or barriers in response to Naruto's physical presence. He had always been wiling to be open with her, to allow her the comfort of being engulfed in his friendly presence—and instead of obliging him; she had always turned away from him in order to chase after a lingering shadow that refused to let her in.
She was starting to become aware of the shame that was beginning to grow all the more strongly within her. The closeness of sitting next to him like this only made the feeling all the more worse. She wished that Naruto had just slammed the door in her face to begin with, although letting her in might have been an even more effective punishment in the long run.
"I was wrong in a lot of ways for coming here," she explained, half to herself, as the truth of the matter itself began to slip out from the 'guise she'd thrown over herself like a veil. "Wrong in the sense that I knew you would let me in, that you would be sympathetic, and that you would listen to whatever I had to say, even though you probably didn't want to hear any of it or maybe you did. I don't know."
"It's a good thing he is out cold. If what I'm saying doesn't make any sense to me, how the hell would he be able to make heads or tails with it," she wondered, her own irritation evident.
She was about to continue when she became aware of how cramped her fingers were becoming. Raising her hand, Sakura clenched and unclenched her hands, spreading apart her fingers so that the numbness began to drain out from her digits.
As the feeling began to return, Sakura noticed a patch of drool building at the left corner of his mouth. Unable to spot any tissue, she opted to just wipe away the spittle using the edge of her thumb, his lightly tanned face twitching in response to the featherlike touch of her skin against his.
"But what I do know is that I couldn't picture going through life without you being there," she continued with unwavering sincerity. "If something ever happened to you...well, I don't want to go through that thought process again. I did that enough already. I'm just sorry…that it took until tonight for that to actually sink into my thick head."
The dribble gone, Sakura lifted her thumb and creped her hand forward so that she softly cupped the left side of his whiskered cheek, the urge to touch him overpowering her sense of restraint.
"I almost want to call you an idiot for being willing to love somebody like me," she whispered, her slender fingertips motionless against his warm flesh. "But then again, you probably already knew how I was going to respond to that, but I can't think of anyone in their right frame of mind who wouldn't want to be loved by you."
Almost immediately, the visage of a shy Hinata came to mind. She probably would have fainted in response to hearing a confession like that. Her rain-colored eyes probably would have radiated both unbridled happiness and joy. If anything, she probably deserved to be sitting here, watching Naruto sleep while stroking his cheek with the blissful awareness of knowing that he was hers…
A immediate buildup of painful pressure started to close in around Sakura's heart, and she felt ashamed for the immense pouring of relief that the situation wasn't indeed reversed. That she was the one sitting by his bed and not Hinata. Sakura was also aware that she had no right to even feel jealous towards the shy girl whom always watched over Naruto with the probable knowledge of knowing that he had the power to accomplish great things in the future.
"You know, you would make her very happy, that is if you only noticed her," Sakura thought, flinging away the sudden jealousy that had enveloped her.
"The way you just started to notice him tonight?" her inner voice asked.
Sakura paused, a look of bitter sadness coming over her as her gaze traveled along the contours of his face. The uncertainty she had been feeling over the course of the evening was finally giving way to a sense of longing that she had never before experienced until now.
"It should never have come to this," Sakura sniffed, her saddness immediate as a familiar misting in her eyes blurred her sight, and distorting Naruto's image. "Sasuke-kun's leaving—It should never have gone that far…to show just how important you are to me."
And suddenly, as if it were always there, came an overpowering sense of admittance.
She had tried her hardest not to allow herself to fall for somebody she knew that she didn't deserve to have. It would have been like withdrawing a set of batteries out of a new device and placing them into something she had thrown into a corner and forgotten about. She didn't like what that said about her, nor did she enjoy what it said about her beliefs and feelings.
"And that's why you weren't able to answer him when he told you how he felt about you," the voice within concluded for the sake of her weary owner.
Sakura hung her head, feeling unable to do anything else. "He makes it...so easy," she muttered, her hand relinquishing its hold on his face to come to rest against her own. "I was in total despair, and he practically had his hand out and extended for me. Someone who wants nothing more then for me to be me. And to have taken that chance…would have made nothing but an absolute mockery out of who I am."
Fresh crystaline tears crept underneath her eyelids. "How would that have looked?" Sakura asked herself, torn between feelings of both past and present, an action that she was completely unaccustomed to. "To just pretend like I never wanted Sasuke-kun, or act like he was never in the picture to begin with—only because I spent some time with a person that, until tonight, never gave a damn about? How can something like that even remotely begin to work?"
Helpless in her own misery, Sakura turned so that she was facing the entrance of his bedroom, unwilling and unworthy even to look at Naruto right now, her face pressed into her small palms, fingers half-buried in her hair. She felt so very glad that he was so close and yet so far away from her right now, peacefully dreaming his dreams. Outside, the rain-lathered winds battered against the side of the house and the old window frame. Practically in sympathy with the inner turmoil that swirled within Sakura's own exhausted mind.
"I should never have come here," she mumbled into her hands, the repeated words coming out hollow and empty like a discarded shell. "I could have gotten over Sasuke-kun in given time. Everything would have improved if I had just…quit acting like a spoiled baby, and accepted the whole situation.
She pinched the bridge of her nose as if relieving herself of a mind splitting headache; "Maybe then, I wouldn't have had to see just…just what kind of a person that I…"
Feeling depleted and used up, Sakura pushed her feet against the floor and began to rise, not even bothering to finish her worthless attempt at self-analysis. Walking in here, as far as she was concerned, had been nothing but a stupid idea to begin with. Even with him sleeping, she couldn't see fit to just leave him alone. And all it had managed to do was make her even lower and more miserable and pathetic then she was already feeling. And for all of her loathing and regrets, she knew that she deserved every single bit of it.
Without a sound, she stood up from the bed and took a soft step forward, stretching her arms out in front of her. If she could call it accomplishing anything, it would have been that she'd managed to wear herself out from all of her subdued bantering. At least she could get a couple of hours in before morning broke.
Tilting her head fractionally so that she was looking at Naruto from the corner of her eye, she managed a tired, pained smile. "Naruto. I have no right to tell you whom you should and shouldn't love. It would be like telling somebody they don't deserve life. But, I wish that…"
Purposely letting the sentence hang in the air, she turned to face him. With the tip of her index finger, she reached down and traced along the spot of his cheek were she had kissed him earlier. "It makes me happy to know that you care that much—special even, but I wish that it wasn't me. For every right and purpose, it shouldn't be me."
From the edge of his mouth, her hesitant fingertip began to skim along the warm, velvet line of his bottom lip. Back then in the living room, she'd been almost tempted to smooch Naruto directly on the lips just to prove that she could be just as unpredictable and sneaky as he was—the only barrier being that it would have been a bit out of character for her to chiefly act on a impulse like that. But seeing his mouth parted in sleep, she absurdly began to wonder again what it would be like. She imagined the sensation would be similar to the taste of warm noodles. Heart beating with sudden anticipation, she began to drift down towards him, his mouth coming closer into view with each nervous advance she made.
"I must really be loosing it."
Lost or not, only a couple inches stood between the two of them. Naruto hadn't shifted or done anything to move away either. In heavy slumber, he would never even feel it. The situation almost similar to some of the fairy tales she had read from when she was a child. She vaguely remembered a foreign tale where a prince had come to the aid of a princess who had slipped into a coma from eating an apple. A Snow something? Either way, the prince had been madly in love with the girl and—
Sakura hesitated, pulled back, wishing that that particular story hadn't crossed her mind in that moment. The impulsiveness passed leaving her in the same boat of negativity she'd been in to begin with. Taking advantage of him, and in his sleep no less was unsuitable and would make her an even bigger coward then she already was. She had no wish to sink any lower then that.
Tilting her neck, she hovered over his hairline and opted to brush-kiss his forehead instead in a less intimate gesture, catching a faint scent of shampoo and conditioner. "Thank you…for loving a fool…and for everything you do," Sakura gratefully whispered.
The last word had just left her mouth when he began to moan in his sleep. Sakura immediately back peddled, almost bumping her hip against the night table. If she needed too, she could be out of there before he could recover his senses. The urgent demand to beat a hasty retreat began to peter itself out, his sleepy moaning starting to relax and lower. Aside from some involuntary movement in his right arm, he didn't wake up, nor showed any signs of being sick or anything harmful. It was just a casual shift in his sleep, nothing to worry about.
She sighed at the sense of Déjà vu lurking over her shoulders as she walked over to the exit. With all the trips she'd been making, she might as well have been sleeping on the bedroom floor.
"You're content to just leave it like this?" her inner persona quickly blurted out.
Sakura paused underneath the arch of the door, her arms folded as she leaned up against the edge. Her eyes closed in thought.
"No…I'm not, but that's the way it has to be," Sakura retorted mentally.
Her inner persona seemed to chew on that for a minute. "I see, so basically, this is really just to tide you over until things get back to normal, but then when it all goes sour, you'll do this to yourself all over again?
Sakura didn't answer.
The monologue continued: "How long do you plan on torturing yourself like this?"
"I… don't know," came her drawn out reply.
"Until your lie becomes the truth?"
Sakura frowned at that. Behind her, Naruto let out another soft-almost distressing moan.
"Everything you told him: about moving on and getting over Sasuke. Was that just to make him feel relieved, or you?"
She shook her head. "No, I told him the truth. Everything that I said to him tonight was the truth. I never lied to him."
"Except how you don't lo—"
Sakura cut the patronizing voice off. "And then what would I do? Pretend like nothing happened? Turning around and doing a complete one-eighty would be like thinking of him as second place. He doesn't deserve to be thought of like that."
She glanced over her shoulder. "The last thing he needs is someone like me who can't appreciate a good thing to begin with," she whispered softly, "And I'm not willing to hurt him like that."
The persona seemed to snort. "So what you're saying is that you don't deserve to feel something for him?"
Ultimately weary, Sakura nodded.
"And that he should be happy with someone else, say, Hinata?"
She nodded again.
"That sounds fine, except there's one little detail involved here."
Sakura sighed. "What?"
"He didn't say that he loved Hinata, he said it to you."
Sakura grimaced. "He likes everyone."
"Not the point. Whether you like it or not, he told you how he feels about you, and deep down, you know that you feel something for him too. The difference is that he was up front about it and didn't dance around the subject. You, on the other hand, seem to be quite content lurking around his apartment and mulling about every little detail. Isn't that why you came in here to begin with, to tell him how you feel?" the persona demanded.
Sakura started to protest, "But the past—"
"Is the past…and one thing about the past is that you learn from your mistakes, accept them and keep going. If you don't, you'll just be miserable and bitter about what couldn't and what should have been."
Sakura looked down at the floor, picturing herself in a straitjacket right about now.
"The point is that if you do care for him, then tell him already. Not like this either, but when he's up and awake. If you won't do it for yourself, then do it for him.
But how to say something like was the question. She remembered his concern about keeping certain things in when they should be expressed. Although he had made a good point, how was something suppose to be said when Naruto, himself, was the real issue. "And what If something goes wrong?"
"Uhhh."
She instantly turned around, fixing her gaze on Naruto. Another moan, and this time there was no mistaken the sound of torment behind the noise. He had started to shake in his sleep, his head and neck twisting from side to side as he looked to be struggling with something.
Sakura felt compelled to go over and break him out of whatever he was being plagued with right now, but the awkward mental debate she had just gone through had left her apprehensive and edgy. She was sure that he'd snap out of in due time. His earlier spells hadn't seemed significant and this would probably pass as well. Half-convinced, she started to turn—
"Noo…. cuh, come back…"
"To hell with this."
Sakura whirled around and sped over to his bed, stepping on some of his junk in the process. "To hell with this," she repeated aloud, concluding that whatever Naruto was dreaming of warranted an immediate exit.
The apprehension was broken as she quickly flicked his night-light back on and began to lightly shake his trembling shoulders. "Naruto? C'mon, wake up. You're having a bad dream," she urgently coaxed, trying to bring him out of his nightmare. Glistening sweat was already covering his furrowed brow.
In a panicky blur of motion, Naruto shot up into a sitting position, his eyes wide and fearful as he looked around in complete disorientation, not acknowledging Sakura's presence at all until he took notice of the cool, soothing touch of her hands against his arms.
"Suh…Sakura-chan?" he mumbled in confused gasps.
To be continued…
Author Note: First of all: I'm very sorry about the late update! Between house renovations, computer problems and quite a bit of other stuff going on, it's just been, overall, a very busy month. This was kind of an awkward chapter to write up as well. Also, I had enlisted the help of a beta reader in order to do some editing and general proof-reading instead of just self-editing, but she never got back to me about it after a week or was just busy in general, and I decided that was enough waiting. Thanks anyways. See you all in the next chapter.