Part 2

Kathryn was busy programming her dinner into the replicator when the bell to her quarters rang. When the door opened, Chakotay was standing on the other side. He had showered and changed, and now stood in his uniform, hands behind his back, his expression grave and restless.

"Something I can do for you, Commander?" Kathryn asked coolly, but with a hint of irony in her tone.

He inhaled slowly, squaring his shoulders in the process. He licked his lips. "I'm here to apologize for the way I acted earlier. Well, the way I've been acting lately," he said before he paused. "You were right. My conduct hasn't been befitting a Starfleet Officer, especially not a First Officer. So I'd understand if you filed a formal reprimand. I'm ready to face whatever disciplinary action you deem fit."

Kathryn raised an eyebrow. "Anything?"

He gave a tiny, uncertain, shrug.

"Then you'll join me for dinner, Commander."

He lowered his head in relief, his shoulders relaxing slightly, and Kathryn could almost swear she'd seen him bite back a small smile. When he looked up to meet her gaze again, he was giving her a mock frown. "That's too harsh for me, Captain."

Kathryn smirked as she walked back into her quarters, gesturing him to follow. "Oh really? Most officers would call it an honor."

"I suppose it depends on what you're making." He gave a small crooked, teasing, smile, and Kathryn felt warmth suffuse in her heart at the sight. Her friend was coming back from whatever dark place he'd been visiting lately.

Kathryn laughed out loud at his quip, but his smile remained subdued as he walked to the window to look out at the stars. While she busied herself with the replicator, Kathryn couldn't stop herself from glancing at him every once in a while. Their banter was a good sign, but something was clearly still bothering him.

"Neelix said the away mission to the M-class planet was a success," he said at last, turning to face her.

Kathryn nodded. "In more ways than one. We were able to make some fair trading at their market. And meet nice people."

He nodded, his expression rueful. "Good. I'm glad. Captain-"

Kathryn raised her hand to stop him. "Your apology has been accepted, Commander. I'm not going to file a formal reprimand."

He gave her a confused frown. "May I ask, why not?"

"Would you rather I did?"

He opened his mouth, but Kathryn beat him to it. "Because it's my prerogative."

He nodded without pressing the issue, understanding that she wouldn't say more, but his expression remained skeptical. Fine, let him wonder.

Now done with programming the meal, she went to her desk to pick up the medical tricorder Kes had given her earlier.

After seeing Chakotay in the holodeck, Kathryn had gone to confirm with Kes and the Doctor that Chakotay had, in fact, not gone to sickbay to get his injury checked. And as if Kes knew, somehow, that Chakotay would come to Kathryn, the Ocampa had handed Kathryn a medical tricorder and all the equipment she would need should Chakotay come to her. Kathryn had felt inexplicably self-conscious at the tacit implications, as if Kes had somehow recognized the new closeness between herself and Chakotay, and understood Kathryn's guilt for letting it grow in the first place.

"Sit down, Commander," Kathryn now ordered as she made her way back toward him.

When he saw her intent he narrowed his eyes.

"You didn't really think I'd let you off the hook so easily, did you?" She asked as she gestured for him to sit down.

"Captain, you don't have to do this," he countered even as he sat down. "I'll just go to sickbay after dinner."

She sat next to him, laying down her kit on the other side of her. "Oh no! It's what you get in lieu of a formal reprimand – consider it part of your disciplinary action."

He gave a crooked smile, and then chuckled softly in concession. Kathryn bit back a smile at the sound. Good. Another step in the right direction.

She scanned the injury with the medical tricorder. All the while he kept his eyes on her face, and Kathryn had to will herself not to react to his clean, masculine scent, or how close they were sitting together, knees touching, his elbows on his thighs.

"No concussion or fracture. Good."

He gave her a 'I told you so' kind of look, but one warning glare from her and he closed his mouth again. Despite her attempts at lightening the mood, he apparently still felt like he belonged in the dog house. The man was way too comfortable with guilt. Part of her wanted to shake him out of it.

After a beat he let out a slow exhale. "Just a bruised ego."

Kathryn smiled, hoping it would encourage him to open up a little more. "I still need to repair the bruised area and mend the skin. Hold still."

One of her hands held his chin lightly in position, while she worked the cell regenerator over the gash with the other. If she thought it was hard to avoid his closeness before, this was much worse. His skin was warm and smooth beneath her fingers, so she made sure to keep her eyes on her target and not to flinch under his scrutiny, at the way his breath tickled her neck or his warm eyes took in her features.

"You were right before," he said suddenly, softly.

Kathryn faltered in her commitment not to meet his eyes. He was serious, his gaze suddenly filled with deep, raw emotion.

She held her breath at his overture. "What about?"

"I didn't realize it until you said it before but… I think I am mourning. Except, not for Seska."

Was it petty of her to feel relief at that? She returned to her ministrations. "For whom, then?"

He let out a long sigh, his eyes still slowly roaming over her face. "I'd never seriously thought about becoming a father before."

Kathryn let her hands fall down to her lap in surprise, staring at him. The child! How could she have forgotten about the child? They hadn't found the boy in their sweep of Voyager. The Kazon survivors must have taken him when they had abandoned ship. And even though the baby had not turned out to be Chakotay's son, for a while, Chakotay had believed himself to be a father. To have that taken away from him… How could she have forgotten about this?

Chakotay went on. "I've never been with anyone with whom I thought I'd want to share a part of myself to create new life. To raise a child with. And I was fine with that. I just figured, if it had to happen, it would happen, hopefully with the woman I'd want to spend the rest of my life with, you know?"

Kathryn nodded numbly, willfully ignoring the dangerous directions her thoughts wanted to take.

"And Seska…" He let out a long sigh. "She was definitely not that person."

Her treacherous heart gave another relieved lurch at that. Her relief wasn't selfish, she told herself, she was relieved for him, for the fact that he didn't have to deal with still loving someone who had betrayed himso utterly.

"It made me so angry, Kathryn, to know that she had used my DNA to bring a child into this world without my consent," he added, his eyes dark and simmering with what remained of that anger. "Do you know what "glass jaw" means?"

Kathryn shook her head.

"It's a boxing expression. It means vulnerability. Weakness. Seska found my glass jaw. And hit it with everything she had – every scheming and deceptiveness she was capable of. You were right about that too – I do lower my guard too easily. And she used it to ensnare me. To put you – all of you, our crew, in danger."

"You can't blame yourself for wanting to see the good in people, Chakotay," Kathryn reminded him gently.

A cynical grin touched his lips. "Oh believe me, I can." He shook his head again. "It took me a while, and a lot of soul searching, to accept the child into my heart. To realize that the boy couldn't be charged with the crimes of his mother. But I did accept him. And when I saw him, when Seska and Culluh first took control of the ship…" He frowned, his voice taking on a cold kind of determination. "I vowed to myself that I would do whatever I could to get him away from his mother's deceptions and power-grabbing schemes. That I would do whatever was necessary to give him the best life that I could. To give him all the love he'd need."

"You would have taken him away from Seska?" Kathryn asked with some surprise.

His eyes snapped back to hers. "If it's what it took, yes. I don't know if that makes me a villain in this story, but… I was at that point, Kathryn, and I was ready. And then we got stranded, and I was able to focus on our survival. But then we got Voyager back, and I…" He sighed, wiping his face with both hands.

"You found out he wasn't your son." To do all that emotional work, and get nothing in return…

He sighed again. "I honestly don't know which was worse: finding out about the boy, or learning that he wasn't my flesh and blood after all."

He looked down in silence for a long beat. When he raised his gaze back to meet hers, his eyes were filled with a raw kind of pain. "Kathryn, did we leave him behind? Because that's what it feels like to me."

She inhaled slowly as she held his searching, suddenly desperate, gaze. "No. No we didn't leave him behind, Chakotay. He was never our responsibility, despite what Seska had us believe."

"I really wish I could believe that."

"You will. Just give yourself time."

He let out an angry sigh. "I keep thinking… Does it even matter that it wasn't my DNA? I've made room for him in my heart already, does it matter that we don't have biology to connect us? I can't help but wonder if, deep down, Seska might have actually wanted me to care for this child, despite her other motives. That she might have wanted to give him something good. And I swear Kathryn, if I listened to my guts-" he stopped himself, pursing his lips in anger. "Let's just say it's been really hard for me to not get into a shuttle and go after them. Even though another part of me hates myself for even caring what happens to him, for giving Seska that power over me, even in death."

Kathryn sighed. To go back for the child would be bad, to say the least. She could empathize with him, of course, but going back after Culluh to take his son… That would be adding oil to an already blazing situation, and she could already hear Starfleet's reprimand – in addition to her own conscience. "Chakotay," she started, but he interrupted her with a raised hand before she could voice her warning.

"I know! I know. Don't worry. I'm not going to act on it." He frowned. "I keep reminding myself that he's with his own people, with his real father, that he's going to live the life he's supposed to live with the Kazon, but…" He rubbed his upper lip in frustration.

Uncertain what to say – feeling completely ignorant of what he needed to hear to help him deal with this loss that she couldn't even begin to understand – Kathryn could only reach out across the short space between them to squeeze his arm. His gaze shot to her face, staring into her eyes for a moment – surprised, grateful, and something else – before he covered her hand with his. His hand was warm and the weight of it was strangely comforting. They held each other's gaze in silent communication for a long moment, and Kathryn found herself unable – and unwilling – to look away. There was something about the warm brown of his eyes that pulled her in, that kept her enthralled.

And that scared her like nothing else she'd encountered in the Delta Quadrant.

The sudden surge of panic shook her out of their shared moment, and she forced herself to regain some composure, to clutch for the mask she wore when her rank forced her into situations she didn't want to delve into. The mask that allowed her to stay cool under pressure, to hide her insecurities and look as though she was on top of things. With that expression and demeanor back in place, she could breathe a little easier again, and it was easier to remove her hand from under Chakotay's, and give him a reassuring nod.

Chakotay wasn't fooled though – she could tell by the way he blinked at the change, and bit his lip. After a moment he nodded to himself. Because he understood all too well how close to the line this kind of intimacy brought them – and how much she cared about upholding that line.

Chakotay redirected his gaze to his hands while Kathryn picked up the cell regenerator again and finished mending the skin until it was smooth and the bruised coloring had reverted back to his natural tone. She pulled away when she was done and put away the medical kit, relieved to put some distance between them. "There, as good as new."

He let out a long exhale, as if along with it also came out some of his grief and worries. Talking about it couldn't solve everything, but he seemed a little lighter all the same. Time would do the rest.

"Thank you, Nurse Janeway," he said, the mischief slowly returning to his smile as one of his hands reached up to touch the spot. "Or is it Counselor Janeway?" He stood to his feet.

Feeling back in control, Kathryn smiled up at him at his teasing. "Are you leaving? I thought we were having dinner?"

"There's something I need to do first." He gave her a pointed and apologetic look. "There's someone else I should apologize to."

"Well," she said as she stood as well, "dinner will be ready when you return."

He nodded before he turned on his feet. "I'll bring back dessert."

"Oh and Chakotay?" Kathryn called just before he went through the door. He half turned to meet her eyes. "I don't know what Seska's true motives or wishes were, but… One thing I do know: that child would have been lucky to have you as a father, shared DNA or not."

He let out a silent gasp, then smiled, a real, heartfelt, dimpled smile. "Thank you."

She nodded, then tossed him a crooked smile. "Don't forget the ice cream."

oooOooo

The end!

Well this was fun, going back to that hopeful time right after Resolutions! I hope I didn't veer too far off from canon… Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed!