A/N May 4, 2019: If you currently are reading this story, note that all chapters have been updated. See author's note for chapter 1.

Chapter 15: What do I want?

Georgie decided to follow Bones' advice and already the next day she spoke to Captain James about compassionate leave. He completely agreed that it would be the best in this situation and regretted that he had not thought of suggesting this to her before.

"Go join your family Georgie. You need to be with them and you won't miss out on much here. Let's say one month to begin with, with possibility to prolong if you feel it's needed. I will keep you updated of any news from here, my successor for example."

"Thanks Boss, but please don't make me think of that. I will miss you terribly, you know"

They looked at each other, none of them mentioning the rocky road their friendship had taken for some time but both knowing the other was glad that this was where they were now.

"You will have to come visit us in Bath once the baby has come", he smiled.

"Already looking forward to it."

They said goodbye and then she left for Manchester within the hour.

- OG -

It felt so good to return home and be able to support her family. She felt strengthened after her talk to Jack, both by his words and because she finally had been able to let all her fears out and he then had showed her that things did not have to be so bad. Slightly hesitant, she spoke to her mum and sisters about how she felt that she was the one who was expected to keep everything together and how she, even if she wanted that, needed their support in return to be able to make it. Grace was appalled, but mostly because she knew what Georgie said was true. She had allowed herself to despair and laid a too heavy burden on her daughters, especially Georgie. Instead of being upset by the revelation, it was the kick in the arse she had needed to turn more into her usual self. Still very worried for her husband, but not completely absorbed of thoughts of negative scenarios that might play out. This was naturally facilitated by Max health improving every day. Soon, he could return home from hospital. He would need a sick-leave of one month or two to recover, but the myocardial infarction had been mild. It seemed he was expected to recover fully and return to his job at the practice although he would have to follow the doctor's advice about exercise and diet.

"So typical that a doctor need advice from another doctor" he muttered grumpily but was very pleased to be home again.

During his hospitalization, Max had worried for his practice and patients, but in his absence, it had been arranged that another doctor which Max knew well, Dr. Rosenbaum, covered for him. As soon as Georgie was not required at home all day to tend to her father, Georgie started going to the practice to keep herself occupied for the remaining time. That prevented her from worrying too much. At the practice she helped Dr. Rosenbaum to the extent she was allowed with the training she had as an army medic. The ailments her father's patients had, were much subtler than the wounds and infections she had to deal with in the army, but she really enjoyed working with the patients.

"You really have a talent taking care of the patients Georgie, the children as well as the elderly. You have never thought about becoming a doctor or nurse? I know you're an army medic, but I mean here at home?" Dr. Rosenbaum surprised her saying, one evening as they closed for the day.

She shook her head, but it was not true. She had thought about it her entire childhood, until it almost became a universal truth that she would follow in Max' footsteps. Then the Army had come in between by opening her eyes to other options, and the settled path had no longer seemed enough. That was a long time ago now and she had experienced so much in between, good and bad. Maybe it was time to re-evaluate the options she had if she would leave the Army.

As she took the bus home to her own empty flat, she heard Bones' words echo in her head.

"Spend some time thinking about what you want. Not just now but also a few years from now. Think about what you need to do to get there. Make a plan."

Maybe the solution to what to do with her life if she left the army had been there right in front of her for a long time, but she had been so determined to choose her own path to see it. If she studied medicine, she would have a career which still could be challenging in many ways, although different from what she had. She could both feel she had a purpose, stay close to her family and lead a more normal life. The kind of life she had shunned when she was twenty, but which now seemed far more tempting.

"Maybe one day I will have a family of my own" she whispered to herself.

- OG -

Georgie was able to get the compassionate leave extended and stay home another month to help her parents. During this time, she also investigated further what it would take to apply for med school. There would not be an opening to start studying until next autumn, so she would have some time to think about if this was what she really wanted, but she would have to submit her application almost immediately as the deadline was already in the autumn. Her grades from school were excellent, she knew she would easily get recommendations from the army and her experience would also be taken into account so from those aspects her chances where fair. In addition, she needed to do an admission test and score high enough. If she then got through to final selection she would have to go through interviews to show she was fit to be a doctor.

She also had to decide which universities to apply to. It was easy to decide on her option number one. It would be Manchester, so she could be close to the family, and close to Matt if everything continued as it was now. However, she would also apply to a few others to increase her chances. All in all, the whole application process would require quite some effort but once she had initiated it she felt excited about it. She did not tell anyone about her plans, though. She did not want to raise any hopes and later risk disappointing them if she was not accepted or chose not to go after all, or have family or Matt influencing her final decision. Also, in this regard Bones had been right. After all, she needed to make the difficult decisions about her life on her own. It was strange how well he seemed to understand her, so well that he understood what she needed before she did herself. Maybe that perceptiveness was just a trait he needed to be a good leader, but she had not realised until now that he possessed it.

Over the next weeks, Georgie used the leave to secretly both take the computer-based admission test, which she passed, and file her applications in addition to dividing her time between the family, her father's practice and Matt. Once applications were submitted, all she could do was to wait for response and the university web pages had helpfully informed her that it could take long so she had better be patient.

The day before Georgie returned to the regiment to resume her duties, she had a long talk with her Max. He was up and about, and they sat in the small library he had created for himself in the house, as he was a fervent reader.

"I'm so glad you could be home during this time, Georgie."

"So am I dad, it would have been awful to be away."

"Not only for my sake, but for mum too. She needed you more than I. You know, your mum and I have been fortunate enough to love each other our whole adult lives."

She nodded, tears in her eyes.

"That makes us vulnerable in a way because it is very difficult to imagine a life without one another, but it has been worth it. All this love, all these years and you girls… if that leaves me vulnerable it was worth it. I would never have traded my life with her for anything else."

"I know dad, and I'm happy you've had that."

"It's what I wish for you too, most of all. I don't mean living in our street here in Manchester, maybe you're not cut out for that, but to live with the love of your life."

"It didn't happen that way for me, did it? Elvis was killed before we even had started our lives together." She was sobbing now.

"Yes, he was and that was so unfair, so very unfair, and my heart broke for you. Still does. But I am also quite sure that the way Elvis loved you, he would have wanted for you to have love in your life even if he was not there anymore, Georgie. He would have wanted your happiness. Don't you think?"

Again, she just nodded, unable to speak. Elvis had been loving and generous. Sometimes an idiot, but underneath that always loving. She knew what her father said was true.

"Don't shut love off, promise me that. Life is too short, both Elvis and I are proof of that."

"You will live for long, dad!"

"Now it seems I was lucky, yes, but I could have passed away. I want to cherish every minute I have, and I want you to do that too and to allow yourself to love and be loved. Can you promise me to try at least? I don't know if it will be this Matt-boy or anyone else, but love is what I want for my girl."

"I promise."

He pecked her on the cheek and they sat in companionable silence a while longer before she left him. His words warmed her insides, but at the same time made her wonder. There had been something in Max' tone of voice and choice of words, that made her feel he was questioning if Matt was really the one for her, no matter how nice and handsome he was.

She spent that last evening home with Matt, cuddled up in the sofa with a movie, like they had spent many evenings together these two months, but her thoughts were not focused on the screen. Instead she was thinking about love and finding the right one. This was cosy, but was she prepared to take it to the next level with him? If he asked her to move in together, would it feel right? It had been nice to share the evenings with him instead of being alone during this difficult time, but she was unsure how much they really had in common. Conversations were entertaining and relaxing but never seemed to reach any deeper than that and the sex was enjoyable but slightly tepid, she must admit. Maybe it was good that she returned to work now, so she could get some perspective with the distance.

- OG -

During her leave, Captain James had been replaced. His successor was a Captain Alvin Aldridge, given the completely logical nickname Chip due to the kids' movie about a chipmunk named Alvin. His reputation was good, and 2 section already seemed to have accepted him by the time she returned, but she could not help but missing James' leadership and felt her resolve about going to med school next autumn grow. The more the decision grew on her, the better she felt about it. Autumn was still far away though. A few months of regimental duties remained, and she would have time for a final tour before leaving the army.

One day in early December, Georgie sat alone in the mess. Earlier that day, she had received a letter from Manchester University. She had kept it unopened in her pocket for a few hours, constantly thinking of it. Then she had sat here staring at it, still unopened for another half-hour, until she finally tore it open a few minutes ago. When she nervously eyed through the text, it said that she was now a shortlisted candidate and called to her first interview.

Her heart was still pounding with excitement, the chances that she really would go to med school had just increased drastically. Occupied as she was, she had not noticed someone approaching her.

"Corporal Lane."

By reflex, she straightened her back and looked up. Jack McClyde was standing above her.

"Relax" he said and sat down opposite to her. The beard was gone, and he was cleanly shaven. She had to stop herself from reaching out and touch his jaw line and felt she would have wanted to kiss him there.

"I didn't see you for some time. Did you take a leave?"

"I did. I followed your advice, thanks."

"How's your father?"

"Much better. Back to work now, even if he has to take it easy."

"I'm really glad to hear that."

His fingers tapped on the table surface, as if he was impatient. Or maybe nervous, but that seemed like a less likely option.

She hesitated, then said;

"About last time when we met... when I cried..."

"Yeah?"

"I just don't want you to think I'm this weak and feeble woman who cries as soon as something is hard."

His blue eyes were now fully focused on her and again it her both how incredibly blue and expressive they were if you had a close look.

"I know you're not. You're one of the strongest women... no one of the strongest persons, I know. That doesn't mean you can't allow yourself to break sometimes. No one will think less of you, you know."

He was quiet for a moment.

"And did you come to any conclusion about what you want to do with your life?" , he then added almost shyly, very uncharacteristic of him, like it was not his business, but he cared to know.

Suddenly she felt that she wanted him to be the first one to know.

"I think I have decided to try for med school for next autumn. Leave the army. I submitted applications for different universities when I was on leave. Today I got this…" She nodded towards the letter on the table. "I got to know I'm shortlisted and called for interview in Manchester. I'm still a bit shocked but thrilled actually."

Finally, she allowed herself to believe it and smile over it, and he smiled too. He really had a lovely smile the few times when he let it appear on his face and now he surprised her by sounding excited for her.

"Then I'm too! I'm not at all surprised that you passed first selection and I'm sure you will manage the rest too. You will be an excellent doctor. "

"You think?"
"Absolutely. You would have been a terrible nurse, so I'm glad you're not aiming for that.".

"Why is that?"

"Because you wouldn't have wanted others to tell you what to do. You're already used to take medical decisions under pressure and as a nurse I'm sure you would have questioned every decision taken by the doctors. They would have hated you and you would have hated them."

"Maybe you're right."

For a few seconds they were just grinning at each other, before both looked away and she cleared her throat.

"You're not going to try to talk me out of leaving then?"

"No... No, I trust you know yourself best. If you feel it is time for you to move on, then we should not keep you and it seems like you have it all planned now."

"Thanks for the advice."

"Don't mention it, I'm just glad if I could be of some help. I need to go now, but I'm sure I will see you around before you resign."

"We will be going on tour after Christmas, 2 section with Captain Aldridge I mean."

"Ah, Chip is your CO now... then you will be in good hands. Where will you be deployed?"

"We don't know yet, but we will get more info this week I expect."

"Okay, if I don't see you before, I hope you have a good last tour and a happy holiday. I was glad to hear glad about you dad and your interview. Good luck with that."

"Thank you, Sir."

It felt so strange calling a man who had given her the most sensational orgasm, not once but repeatedly, 'Sir', but she did it partly because she wanted him to know how professional she could be. Today was a day without any tears shed, any hands touching or lips crashing, nothing but a supporting talk officer to private. As it should be.

"You will be missed here, though."

He left, and she sat wondering if he meant she would be missed by the Army, or if he would miss her at some more personal level, but after Bangladesh he had never indicated anything of the kind. He had held her briefly when she was crushed over her dad, but it had been in a very platonic supportive way. It seemed like it was best to just forget the whole thing, forget that one hot and forbidden night. She still found that easier said than done, especially as he was so kind every time they met. Through all this he had understood her and given her better advice than anyone. She suddenly had the disturbing feeling that if he ever touched her or kissed her again, she would fall so hard there would be no turning back. It was a good thing she was leaving for tour.