A/N May 4, 2019: If you currently are reading this story, note that all chapters have been updated. See author's note for chapter 1.

Chapter 16: The art of letting go

A few weeks before Christmas, Chip gathered 2 section to brief them about the upcoming tour.

"I know all of you have experience from several tours by now, but this one will be a bit different. If nothing else, the climate is far colder than you are used to from Afghan or Africa. We will be going to Estonia."

He pointed it out on a map in case someone was lacking in geography knowledge, tracing the borders to Russia, Latvia and the Baltic Sea with his stick.

"Since approximately a year back, the British Army has presence in Estonia. It is not a war zone and it will not be a humanitarian operation, so why are we there? This is part of a NATO mission in the Baltic states to deter Russian aggression. The British Army has soldiers stationed in Estonia, other NATO countries have soldiers in Latvia, Lithuania and Poland to strengthen the Euro-Atlantic security. British troops are leading a multinational battlegroup in Estonia and you will be part of this for three months."

Georgie was pleased. This would indeed be a new experience. New country, new people and it was always interesting to work alongside other nations' forces. It was also a relief in some ways that her last tour would not be in a war zone.

- OG -

Before leaving for Estonia, 2 section would get to enjoy a permission that lasted over Christmas and New Year. It would be the first time in years Georgie was home for Christmas and she felt like a child again at the prospect of taking part in the preparations and family celebration. She left the cooking and baking for the others as everyone knew it would probably taste better that way, but she took charge of decorations and selecting and bringing home the Christmas tree, whilst feeling all giddy with joy.

The day after she had come home, she went shopping for Christmas gifts with Marie. They made it a full day including a long lovely lunch break to hang out and talk just the two of them.

"How are things with Matt?" Marie asked between mouthfuls of a Caesar salad.

"It's fine, I guess. How healthy is a Caesar salad really, what with the bacon, parmesan and dressing?"

She had done her best to push aside the thoughts she had about Bones when they last met, even if she was not sure any relationship could be described as 'fine' when one of the involved had such thoughts about someone else. Marie was not so easily side-tracked.

"Fine? Really?"

"Yeah, fine. Why are you asking?"

"For one thing you obviously tried to change subject to the salad, but I was wondering already before that. It seems nice, he seems nice, but you don't strike me as being in love." She paused, frowning her brow. "Georgie, many of us are satisfied if we just find ourselves a decent bloke that we like and who likes u back, but you have had thunder and lightning with Elvis. You will never settle for less."

"Who says Matt can't be thunder and lightning?"

"I didn't. I just said you will never settle for less and you drew your own conclusions."

As Marie said it, Georgie knew she was right.

"Is it thunder and lightning with Matt?"

She almost burst into laughter at the thought but did not think it very nice of herself.

"No. No it isn't. I like him, he's nice and I like to be with him. But... aaaw, I feel ashamed to say it..."

"Go on!"

"Sometimes when we kiss for long I just drift away and think about other things... like what we should have for dinner, or that I need to do some laundry... and when he thinks he's going to make me excited by nibbling my earlobes, I always have to hold back so I don't start laughing. It just doesn't do it for me when he does it... and I find his chest hair unsexy, don't know why... He thinks he is the dog's bollocks in bed and he is just… not. There are other things too. I think he may be a bit shallow. First, it was just a relief that things felt uncomplicated and fun, but now I'm starting to wonder if there is more to it or if that is all there is. You know, when you think you're about to get to know someone a bit deeper, but then discover there is no depth. It is a tad disappointing. But I don't know, maybe I have not given him a fair chance. We haven't seen that much of each other, maybe we just need more time."

Marie remained quiet.

"What do you reckon? What should I do?"

"I think you know it quite well already, judging by what you said... I understand it's nice to have someone to be with, but don't let it go as far as it did with Jamie."

"How do you mean?"

"I think you knew long before it ended that him and you would never be enough, but you liked him, so you just let it go on and hoped and in the end that hurt him worse than if you had cut it off much earlier. You didn't do a favour to any of you."

"You're right, I would never want to hurt anyone like that again."

"Then you know what to do?"

"I suppose I do. Poor Matt."

Thinking about it, it seemed that even when Bones was taken off the table and she only considered her feelings for Matt, the right thing would be to break up with him.

After lunch they split up for a while to buy something for each other. It was then she bumped into someone from the past. 'Speaking of the devil' she thought when she unexpectedly found herself facing her ex-fiancée, Jamie Cole. To be fair, in their case he had hardly been "the devil". If anyone, the devil had definitely been her when she dumped a man who only ever had been good to her because she finally acknowledged she would never feel about him as she had for Elvis.

She had only seen him once after she cancelled their wedding, the day after it was supposed to take place and she had run off to catch a terrorist with Elvis instead. He had been so incredibly hurt, sad and, rightfully, angry. Now she could see her cruel actions for what they were, a poor excuse to escape from something she knew was wrong. Running instead of sitting down with him in an honest conversation about her feelings. Still, she had felt then that she had made the right decision and that feeling remained. She had been so relieved to return to duty that time.

Now he was standing right in front of her in Marks & Spencer. She felt her body turning into flight mode but, of course, forced herself to stay where she was.

"Hi Jamie, she said politely.

He did not look like he held grudges any more. He looked relaxed, happy and in Christmas mode.

"Hi Georgie, long time no seen."

"I have been away a lot."

"So, you stayed in the army?"

"I did, yes. How are you?"

"I'm fine. Happy - for real, not just something I'm saying."

"You look like it."

She wanted to tell him she was sorry for what she had done to him, apologise again, but words had never been enough to atone for what she had done, and furthermore, it seemed presumptuous to assume it still meant something to him.

Before any of them said anything more, a pretty young woman with a toddler on her arm joined him.

"Okay, now I have everything I need" she said.

"Tamara, this is my... old friend, Georgie. Georgie, this is my wife Tamara and our son, Ben." The woman reached out her hand and gave her a warm smile. Obviously, she had no idea who Georgie was.

"Nice to meet you."

"Nice to meet you, too."

Tamara could not know it, but Georgie meant that in the sincerest of ways. She was so glad and relieved to see Jamie happy and in love again. It was like a weight she had not quite known was there was now falling from her chest.

"Sorry, but we need to move on now if we shall make it to your mum in time, Jamie" Tamara said.

"I'm glad we ran into each other. I'm glad your life seems to be good." Georgie hurried to say.

"It is" he said. "It is the best I could ever have wished for and I wouldn't change a thing. Happy holiday, Georgie."

"Happy holiday, Jamie."

She saw him disappear in the crowd with his family and felt like a chapter of her life finally had closed, and with a happy ending, too.

The encounter with Jamie, strengthened her in her decision regarding what to do with Matt. It reminded her that is was far better ending something that was not right early on than linger too long and hurt someone for real. Now she suddenly felt she did not want to postpone it anymore. She knew she would not find Christmas peace until it was done, even if she was not looking forward to it. So, after the gift shopping was done she headed for Matt's place later that afternoon.

- OG -

"How did he take it?" Marie asked when they met again at their parents' house that evening.

Georgie shrugged her shoulders.

"He was sad, at least he said he was, but I think he took it quite well. He told me he would have liked to continue but he did not cry or try to make me reconsider, which was a relief in a way. We have not been able to spend that much time together after all, so I don't have the feeling he is madly in love with me."

"And now you're disappointed he was not more devastated?"

"No! Well, maybe a little bit..."

They burst into fits of laughter over at the complex feeling that could emerge during a break up, when dreading to hurt someone, yet slight disappointment emerging if the other turned out not to be as hurt as could be expected.

"Does that make me a bad person? Of course, I didn't want to hurt him, but it felt like he let go so easily. I don't know, it was like once he heard me say I wanted to end it he was ready to move on at once. Almost eager for me to leave. I guess I should just be happy about that. It isn't like I wish to leave a trail of unhappy men after me and now both Jamie and he seem okay."

"I'm thinking good for you that you broke up, if the feelings were so shallow."

Giggling, they joined the rest of the family for Christmas preparations and the only one who was sad for real to hear about the breakup was Grace. She wondered when her Georgie would finally find herself a man and settle down.

- OG -

Once all unpleasantries were dealt with, Georgie enjoyed the holiday with her family. For New Year's Eve, she, Marie and Lulu were invited to a big party hosted by a mutual friend. Halfway through the evening, when the girls where happy drunk on fizz, their friend Susan joined from another party she had been to.

"Georgie, have you and Matt split up?" Susan seemed a bit bothered as she asked.

"Yes, I broke up with him right before Christmas. Why?"

"Oh, that's a relief. I saw him snogging some other girl, tongue halfway down her throat, so I got a bit worried there."

Georgie laughed at the picture Susan painted. They way Matt had reacted when she ended it, she was not surprised that he quickly had moved on and she was not the least sad that she was not the one kissing Matt for New Year.

When midnight was approaching, she was standing on the terrace, a flute of fizz in hand and for a moment reflected over the year that had passed. It had been so eventful. Nigeria, then Belize and Bangladesh; the turn of events with Charles James, from very awkward to friends again; meeting Bones, sleeping with Jack; having some undefined feelings for Jack but being nothing to him except another squaddie. This time last year she had not even known him, and he had been such an important part of her life this year; as her saviour more than once, as her tormentor, as her lover and finally as her wise advisor. She fleetingly wondered how he was celebrating New Year, where he was, on an operation or celebrating with someone special.

"Oh, sod it!", she then shrugged her shoulders. It did not matter where he was because they were not involved with one another in any shape or form. It had happened once. It was in the past, he had made that very clear. She decided this would be the year when she forgot about him and tried to find someone dependable but who also touched her more deeply than Matt, then and went toasting with her friends.