A/N May 4, 2019: If you currently are reading this story, note that all chapters have been updated. See author's note for chapter 1.

Chapter 24: Doubts

When she woke up next morning it was with a hard knot in her stomach. Today they would part, and she did not know until when. She had to use all her will-power to keep a happy-face on. She did not want to part on a sad note or put pressure on him by letting him know how miserable the situation actually made her feel. He seemed happy and relaxed. Of course, he did not want to leave her either, but he was not worried about his job, so he was more in a state of pure happiness from now knowing she had feelings for him and feeling this was the start of something special, something he never had had before. He did not have the doubts she had and was blissfully unaware of hers.

They made the most of the day until it was time for her to leave for the train station and he took her there. He would head for Brize Norton a bit later as the SF unit was being deployed, that was all he could tell her. When they kissed goodbye on the platform, she felt tears prick on the back of her eyelids but managed to keep them there.

As the train departed and she left him behind on the platform, she finally allowed the tears to come and reflected on that it had never felt this horrible saying goodbye to Elvis. They were so young then and naïve in the way that even though they at some level knew of the risks for both of them, they had felt immortal and sure they would always return to each other – until Elvis did not. That had changed her in so many ways. She was not the same brave girl any more, she was a grown-up woman who did not fear much for her own part and loved her occupation but could not bear to see those she cared for most die around her.

- OG -

Georgie had always enjoyed training new medics so in that aspect she was looking forward to the upcoming months but in other ways May turned to be a month of angst. The occasions when she heard from Jack were irregular and she worried increasingly, until the point when she felt it was not healthy. During the night, she often woke up, soaking with sweat from nightmares. Sometimes she dreamt about the moment when Elvis had fallen to the ground of the bomb blast and as she failed to resuscitate him and looked into his dead eyes, the face morphed to Jack's instead. Sometimes the dreams were about the boy Ezra who had helped her and Charles in the Belizean jungle and who ended up with a bullet between his eyes, also morphing to a dead Jack in her arms. Even Captain James, feverish and delirious from infection turned into Jack and this time he did not survive.

In daytime, she could every now and then feel a heavy pressure over her chest, like she could not breathe properly, and she recognised it as panic attacks but could do nothing about it. Then when a text or call came from Jack, proving he was alive, all got better for a while but started over after a new period of radio silence. She knew it was a combination of the past catching up with her and what Jack did now and that she probably ought to see the army psychologist, but she could not bring herself to do it. So far, she had managed, at least in the way that it went unnoticed, but she seriously wondered how she would be able to cope like this and if the only solution was breaking up with Jack even if she loved him. Asking him to change profession did not feel like a possible an option, she could never ask that of him.

Georgie felt so alone in this. She did not want to talk to her family because they would worry too much and probably give advice that she did not like anyway. Neither did she want to talk to Maisie or any of the others in 2 section because she did not want to disclose her and Bones/Jack's relationship, and she definitely did not want to tell Jack. Not have him worry and put pressure on him, not show herself that weak. She just had to find a way through this alone.

In addition, she had another source for angst. She was also nervous from knowing that letters would come from the universities any day now, letting her know if she was accepted or not and with the potential to change her life. When the first one came, stamped Manchester University, she almost did not dare to open it. She just sat on a bench, letter in hand, staring at it for a long while, like if she waited long enough she would obtain x-ray vision and see through it. She wished Jack had been there beside her. Finally, she opened with shaking hands, unfolded the letter and read that Manchester University was pleased to offer her a place as medicine student. First, she could almost not believe the printed words - she had made it! She had passed selection and she would be leaving the army for a whole different life.

Her eyes were hazy with tears of happiness and relief. She was absolutely thrilled and would have loved to call Jack and share the good news with him first of all, but he was not reachable for now. She had to wait to share it with her near ones until she went home to see the family the upcoming weekend, as she did not want to break the news over the phone, and she could hardly wait.

The day after, a letter from King's College came. Compared to the letter from Manchester, Georgie was not especially nervous opening it as she already had a place now, but when she read it her thoughts started spinning. Amazingly enough, she had been offered a place at King's college too. Now she suddenly had two options to choose from. Some months ago, that would have been a no-brainer - all this time her goal had been to be close to her family.

Now she was struck by the fact that the medicine studies would last for five years and much could happen over that time. What if Jack and her... what if they stayed together and he continued to live in London when he was home? Then she would want to be with him as much as possible. The trip home to Manchester could easily be done over weekends, not at all like when she was away on tour and had no option to come see her family. It was definitely possible. On the other hand, the relationship with Jack was so new. Beside her issues to handle that he constantly was risking his life, she could not know if it would last anyway, how strong their feelings were if put to the test, if they truly were a match and she had no idea if Jack would want her living in London. There was no possibility to discuss it with him right now, which was totally frustrating. She had a few weeks to let the universities know her response but right now that felt like a short time for such an important decision about her life.

- OG -

A few days later she went home to Manchester and visited her parents for dinner.

"Mum and dad, there's something I'd like to tell you. I have some news."

They sat down together in the living room.

"Don't fall off your chairs now, but I've decided to leave the army."

"Oh, finally! Georgie, you don't know how happy you make me!" Grace exclaimed. Max was a little more controlled, but she could see that he too was happy about the news, as she had known they would be.

"I have decided I want to go to med school. I applied already last autumn, and I was just accepted this week."

"I'm also glad about this Georgie, if it's what you really want. You're not doing this for us, are you?" Max asked. He loved his daughter and wanted her to make choices that she wanted herself.

"No, I'm not. Of course, I've been thinking about you but more in the sense that I want to be closer to home. When you had your heart attack, I felt how much I hated that my job was keeping me away from all of you and even when you got better it made me think of what I want in the future. That was when I realised that it is time to stay home in UK, not go on tour. I spent a lot time thinking about what I would do and then, when I helped at your practice, I realised how much I enjoy working with patients also at home and suddenly it all seemed natural. I just didn't want to tell you before I got in, not to raise false hopes."

"If you're happy with your decision, so are we."

"Dad, maybe I should add that this doesn't automatically mean that I will take over your practice one day. I don't know yet what kind of physician I want to be."

"No, no, I wouldn't assume that, having my girl at home and alive is good enough for me no matter what you do."

"And for me too! Georgie, I can hardly believe it! Come here, I must give you a hug."

"Where have you been accepted?"

"Well, you see that's the problem. I have been accepted to two universities and now I'm not sure which one to choose. One is Manchester and the other is King's College."

"Your first option must be Manchester for sure! Why would you not stay here where we are?" Grace found it hard to understand why there would be any hesitation if Georgie had the possibility to study in Manchester and as she knew nothing about Jack, that was not strange.

Max looked at her, understanding that there might be other motives than just being close to family that affected her decision.

"Both are excellent universities and Grace, remember that Georgie must have a life of her own. She could easily visit us if she lived there too. Georgie, you must make your choice based on what you want, and think is best for you. Not based on what you think is best for us. Sure, we would love to have you around, but most of all we want you to be happy. Okay? Take a few weeks to think about it and I think your gut feeling will tell you."

"I suppose you're right" Grace muttered.

"Oh mum, dad, thanks! You're the best."

Georgie was relieved to feel that she had her parents', or at least her dad's, blessing to choose as she found best. She did not tell the about Jack that day, feeling she had given them enough to think of and did not want to spoil the good news about her leaving the army by adding the was dating another soldier and make them concerned.

Now she desperately needed to see Jack to get her thoughts straight and maybe she would not get the chance before the response deadline. She almost felt schizophrenic right now; half of her thought about selecting university based on where he lived so they could have a life together, despite that they just had started a relationship – and that was just crazy. The other half was telling her that for her own well-being's sake, she should turn around and run while she still could, before she changed into a version of herself that she did not like. She both wanted to go all in and retreat completely, perhaps already before she saw him again. Right now, she did not know which part of her that would win this battle about her future.