There aren't many people taking a walk on the beach now the cold's settled in, which suits Taylor just fine. It's a nice change of pace from having to deal with way too many people these past weeks - most of them being the police. She's kind of starting to get used to it. She'd even had the same man as the last time asking her questions yesterday. But still, hectic. Especially when compared to the time from before she met Ayano, when it was just herself and Dad, outside of school.
The girl flattens the sand out, checking it for trash, before sitting down to wait for her friend to arrive. With nothing to do, her thoughts loop back to the police knocking at her door.
At least they no longer treat her as a bomb about to go off. They're actually being... maybe not cordial, but certainly less aggressive, now that they found the culprit behind the murders of Winslow students. That one of her tormentors' admitted to bullying her.
Now that Emma is dead.
Madison, too. And Natalie, and Alice. Half of her bullies. Gone.
It's - not quite how she imagined it'd be. For all that she fantasized about Emma and the others... disappearing from her life, learning of her dream becoming a reality still came as a shock. A world without Emma, without the vicious bitch she became, and the suffering she brought into her life? It's difficult to imagine. It just- she just was, since forever. Sometimes, it seemed like she would be there forever, too. It's why she wrote all those stories, to escape that feeling.
But now that it actually happened, she doesn't know what to think. It's probably for the best, all things considered. The police already knew she wished the girls the worst. Laughing at being told they're dead would be... bad. Probably. At least they asked her questions at home, this time around, just to verify parts of Madison's letter.
Which is good. Dad and Ayano were worried the last time. Her friend more so than Dad, as a matter of fact. Oh, he was furious, but not actually worried, more used to dealing with this stuff. Maybe even with some experience of his own from the days of his youth - he always did get cagey when asked about those protests. In contrast, Ayano couldn't detach herself from Taylor's side for the rest of the day, hellbent on making her arrest up to her. It was fun. Exhausting, but fun.
She's not sure what would she do without Ayano. Well, okay, that's not true. She knows exactly what she'd be doing back then without her friend – sitting and moping around at home. She'd be doing the same now, too.
Her life before she met Ayano wasn't really going anywhere, was it? Wake up, go to school, get bullied, then come home, do her homework before reading something and going to sleep. Oh, and go to the library every now and then. Rinse and repeat. Just going through the motions with her only plan being to finish the school – somehow, and that's as far as her plans ever got. Not much point in thinking beyond that, what with the trio making every effort to ruin her grades in addition to her chances at making friends.
That is, if she hadn't ended up hospitalized, or worse, after one of them came up with a fucked-up enough prank. Clearly, at least Madison had it in her.
The teen idly drags her finger through the sand, drawing lines and circles to busy her hands without biting on her nails. Because of all people, it was Madison. The same Madison she always thought the least persistent, the least aggressive. The one she could probably handle. But she killed those girls, and then kept up as if nothing had happened for weeks, before disappearing. She even kept on bullying her for a time, just to not draw attention to herself. If Madison could do all that, then what could Emma do, eventually? What about Sophia? Their pranks were getting progressively more bold, and with nobody stepping up to stop them, why wouldn't they be?
They started out harmless, for the most part. Still cruel, but at the very beginning, it wasn't so bad. Then they brought in more students onto it, then discouraged others from making friends with her – not that they really had to. Who would want to talk with the school pariah? Then, once they realized they could get away with stealing her homework and physical abuse, that the teachers don't care...
That was the point at which things got scary. And not only for Taylor, apparently. Madison addressed her in her letter. She didn't get to see the original - case evidence - but the police did give her a copy to read through and confirm. Madison seemed - said she was sorry; for being a coward and going through with everything the other two said, for coming up with her own ideas to please them. That... this, was her way of saying sorry.
Taylor doesn't like thinking about what her being vicious would be like. Doesn't like thinking about the topic at all. And yet, without fail, it resurfaces in her thoughts every time she finds herself without anything to occupy them with. She'd never have thought she'd be glad at the thought of going back to school, much less relieved. But it'll give her something to be busy over for half a day. Then it's either TV or books. Expecting Ayano to just- drop everything and go hang out with her whenever she feels like it would be selfish. She can't monopolize her time like that. It's not even that bad, it's just- she'd rather spend her time with her friend, is all.
No. It's the nights that are the problem. When she's got nothing to do but try to sleep that her mind ends up running mile a minute.
She wonders, would it be okay if she invited Ayano for a sleepover? It wouldn't be greedy of her to ask if she wanted to, would it? Dad would agree, be glad for it, probably. She hasn't done anything like this since- since Emma.
...
Goddammit. Her heart has no business aching like that, not after everything the bitch's done to her with her cronies in tow. If anything, she should be overjoyed about the situation. Buy Madison flowers and put them on her grave with an big thank-you sign!
No. Fuck- that's. No.
She's a better person than that. Not better enough to be above feeling gratitude, but enough to feel nauseous about it right after. Not a monster.
She pulls her knees close to her chest, warding off the chill the last thing on her mind.
She never retaliated. Never once. Doing so would have ended up badly for her, sure, but if it were only about that? She probably wouldn't have been able to hold it back. Nor would have her tormentors been able to stop her. It'd be enough to find out when they were hanging out at Emma's house. She's not sure so about Sophia, but she could get Madison alone on her way home, and then get into Barnes' house and kill their daughter. Maybe even after being let in by them. She could have done it. She chose not to, but nobody could stop her before she'd get her revenge on at least two of the trio before being thrown into prison.
But she's better than that. Better than them. Not a bully, not a killer, and not a monster. She wouldn't stoop to their level, wouldn't become like them. Worse than them. Hasn't. She's held out, made a new friend, and Emma finally got her due - nothing less than she deserved. Not what she deserved. What she didn't deserve.
Her growl dies in her throat, muffled by her arms and lost among the gentle crashing of waves. Fuck Emma. She won't leave her thoughts, even in death. Taylor suspects the fact would give the sick bitch no small amount of pleasure. That alone would be reason enough for the girl to put every effort into forgetting her, into moving on. But her best is not enough, curse her heart. A year of bullying, of ruining her, ruining all their memories - and still her heart can't give her a break and forget Emma was ever anything more than a worthless betrayer.
Maybe going to her funeral will let her clear her thoughts. Back with Mom, it didn't really hit her that she died until she saw the body. It just didn't feel real. Maybe if she sees Emma's casket it'll let her get over this – whatever it is. She has to talk with Emma's parents, first, since they might not want her there. And then- and then there's Dad. God, she's not looking forward to that talk. The one they had about her diary was already draining enough.
The girl buries her face in her knees.
It'd be so much easier if she could just, and only, hate her bully, or at least not feel all these other things. Emma would never feel those for-
A jolt of panic shoots through her body when a set of arms encircles her shoulders, firmly pulling her back into another body.
"H-hey." Her struggling dies down before she could properly start at the sound of the familiar voice.
Taylor grimaces, and turns her head sideways to look Ayano in the eyes.
"Please, don't jump on me like that," she says, trying to sound stern. It's a difficult thing to pull off with her lips involuntarily pulling up the moment she sees her friend's smile.
"I'm sorry," Ayano answers without letting Taylor go, not looking nor sounding very sorry at all. "You were shaking." She was? "Are you cold?" Funny she should ask that, her own cheeks are flaming red.
"A bit, but it's not-" She cuts off when Ayano shifts behind her, putting her legs on Taylor's sides. W-well. The cold's certainly not an issue, anymore. Her eyes dart away from Ayano's. "But- that's not it."
"Oh." Something pulls at Taylor's insides at the dejection in the girl's tone, and lurches when she stirs to pull away.
"No, wait! You can- can we stay like that, for a moment?" The words fall out of her mouth before she can think, the heat from her stomach now flooding her face. "It is cold. I just meant that's not it."
"Okay," her friend answers, before wrapping her hands around her senior's knees, pulling them closer to her chest. Taylor lets herself relax in the embrace, and the younger teen adjusts to make it more comfortable for them both. It's still a bit awkward, Ayano is smaller than her, but Taylor won't say anything if she won't.
"Is something wrong?"
"No. I mean, yes. It's... complicated."
"...Do you want to talk about it? I'll always be here to listen, when you need me to."
"I know." She does. It's precisely why she doesn't want to abuse it. "And thank you. Just- my head's a mess. I don't know how to start."
"I-I read that externalizing helps to compose thoughts. Just try?"
That much she can do. "Alright."
There's a lull to their conversation, one Taylor spends on thinking how to begin.
"It's about Emma." She feels her friend's body stiffen as she finally breaks the silence. "And- and Madison too, I guess. I can't stop thinking about them."
"Why?" Terse. So terse.
"It... wasn't all bad. With Emma, I mean. Before."
Ayano only responds by tightening her grip around her.
"We used to do everything together. I don't even remember meeting her, we were so young. She was just - there."
"...Do you miss her?" Hard, cold hard steel.
"God, no!" She can't help laughing at the mere suggestion, the mirth in her chest weighed down by lead seconds after. "And yes. I don't know. Maybe how she was, before. She was... she used to be-" Like you are for me. "-different. I don't know what happened. Maybe Sophia does- she was there when I met Emma after she changed, but I doubt she'd tell if I asked."
"Does it really matter?" She can hear the scowl on Ayano's face without looking. "She was awful and doesn't deserve you thinking about her. I bet she'd be happy if she heard something terrible happened to you."
"Oh I know, believe me." Only too well. Taylor has seen her laugh at her misfortune so many times – hearing that some crazy killer got her would make her day, or her whole week. No longer because why would she spend her time thinking about that loser. "I told you, it's confusing."
"Yeah. I guess emotions are like that." She murmurs into Taylor's shoulder. "But aren't you happy she's gone, at least?"
"..."
"Aren't you?" She waits a beat before continuing. "I think I would be, if someone like that disappeared from my life."
"I feel... glad she can't hurt me, anymore," she eventually offers. It's true enough, and she doesn't feel guilty about being safe from her. "But vindictive, too. And I shouldn't. It'd make me the same as her."
"No it wouldn't!" She startles at Ayano's outburst. "You're nothing like her. She was a terrible person. Trash!"
"Ayano-"
"No! She was. She and her buddies hurt you for shits and giggles. And worse, she was your friend, right? You don't do that to someone you love. You'd never do that to someone you love. Or am I wrong?"
"What? No! Of course I wouldn't!"
"Exactly. You're amazing. Don't compare yourself to that bitch."
It's... just a bit easier to believe it when Ayano says it. Easier not to feel rotten about calling someone dead a bitch, too. However, Emma was not always what she eventually became. She used to be friendly. Sweet, even. Not the person her younger self met after returning from the summer camp. If she could at least know why she became that way, maybe it would give her some peace. But that's impossible. The answer died along with Emma.
She'd imagined she'd become free when Emma vanished from her life, so why does this feel like anything but? Two of the trio are gone, no longer able to hurt her, yet still they shape her life. Is that because of Sophia? Taylor would be lying if she said she's not concerned about the future and her remaining tormentors. Sophia was never the worst of the bunch, however. The most physical, yes, but not the most vicious, nor the most hurtful. No. She can handle Sophia.
Had they been so successful in cowing her that she can no longer even feel justified in her disdain for them? That she can't even feel comfortable about them no longer being a part of her life? How long will they keep their hold over her? How long will she let them?
"...Okay."
"Okay?"
"Yeah. I'm not like them, not like Emma. I'm- she can't dictate my life anymore." She's not going to let her. It is exactly what the bitch would've wanted. She's stronger than that. She can become stronger than that. She will.
Smiling, Ayano lays her chin on Taylor's shoulder, and the older girl has to hold in a shudder when her warm breath tickles her ear.
"I'm glad we're on the same page, then."