Chapter 11

An hour and a half later.

Jody walked into her family room where she found Dean absentmindedly staring out the family room window and Sam at the table peering down at his laptop.

They both looked up when she entered the room. Jody looked haggard and her eyes were slightly red and swollen.

"Jody?" Dean asked as he moved from the window and towards her with concern.

"It's ok. I'm ok." Jody said.

"You look like you've been crying." Dean observed.

"Yup." She plopped down into her armchair sinking into it with full abandon.

"That ghost really did a number on her. Charlie understands what happened and how but she can't separate those feelings as not her own. That girl up there is in full grief mode. As far as her heart is concerned, she just lost her child."

The room was deathly quiet for a few moments before Sam had gotten up from the table and slowly walked over.

"She wanted to know how I dealt with it." Jody shook her head sadly. "Why I didn't just off myself to be with him when he died. I did my best to answer, but... " She shook her head. "I hope I got through to her. I really do."

48 HOURS LATER.. ..

Men of letters Bunker, Kansas. Early morning.

The night air was a numbing cold. The sky, dark and void of stars. Voices could be heard in the distance but sounded broken in the wind. Death was close and it had been waiting.

Dean's heart raced when he saw her by the shoreline. He pushed his legs to move faster than they ever had. His blood coursed through his body at an impossible speed. He felt like a piece of him was dying when he saw her on the shoreline and he felt himself breaking into a million pieces when she disappeared beneath the soft lapping waves of the dark lake. He screamed until his throat turned hellishly sore and tears streaked his cheeks like scars.

"Charlie! Charlie! NO!" He yelled with everything he had in him.

Dean sat straight up in his bed sweating profusely, his arms and legs shaking and shivering. His panic was raw and unfettered. He looked around himself breathing heavily. He closed his eyes for a heart pounding moment. He breathed in and then breathed out trying to slow his heart rate down. "A nightmare." He whispered to himself. "A god damned nightmare." He threw his blanket off and swung his legs over the side of his bed.

It had been a long drive back from Jody's and they had all been exhausted when they finally made it back to the Bunker. Charlie had gone to lay down immediately and had been sleeping on and off ever since. That was almost 1day ago.

Panic suddenly enveloped him as his thoughts leapt over themselves. "Charlie." He said with a heavy breathe. He scrambled out of his bed and went to check on her immediately.

He walked past the library and stopped dead in his tracks. He backed up and found her sitting at one of the tables towards the back. She was leaning forward in her chair with an her arm carelessly draped on the table in front of her. Her other hand cradled a glass tumblr. And judging from the decanter inches from her, it wasn't apple juice that she was drinking. She wore a dark purple t-shirt, part of which was covered by her long red disheveled hair cascading down over her shoulders. She hadn't moved a muscle since he found her. She looked lost.

They had barely spoken to eachother since they received a call from her for help. Other than what Jody had told them he had no idea where her head was at. He grabbed a glass on his way to her. It was time to find out.

Dean pulled out a chair next to her and sat down. He lightly tapped his glass on the table and he got the reaction he had hoped for. She looked up and noticed his glass first, then her eyes found his.

"Hey." Dean said softly. He wiggled the glass in his hand and after a short pause Charlie grabbed the decantor and poured him a glass. "Thanks." Dean picked up his glass, took a sip, and made a face. "Never gets old." He said.

Charlie's eyes fell back down to her own glass with little reaction.

"Couldn't sleep?" Dean asked.

"I needed a break from all the sleep." Charlie air quoted "all"

"Yeah, well, emergency surgery, ghost possession and drowning in a lake can wipe a person right out." Dean said with a touch of humor.

Charlie rolled her eyes. "Yes. It. Can." She raised her glass and took another drink.

"You know, I'm surprised you're up. Walking around probably isn't the best thing right now. Stitches are still healing." Dean said.

"I had to look at something other than those four walls." Charlie stated as she straightened herself up in her chair. She grimaced.

"Still hurt?" Dean asked.

"Pain killers might be wearing off a bit." Charlie replied. She looked back up at him. "What's your excuse for being up?" Charlie asked as she put down her glass.

"You." Dean answered without hesitation. There was a sudden awkward silence. Dean's response was unexpected and it simply left Charlie staring back at him.

She raised an eyebrow. "Me?"

"I'm worried about you." Dean affirmed.

She smiled sadly. "I'm fine. Stitches are healing..slowly but healing. And soon I'll be able to video game it without these." She raised her bandaged wrists up towards him, but the expression on his face didn't change despite her own poor attempt at humor.

"What?" She asked when his expression didn't change.

"That's not what I meant." Dean looked at her intently which made her in turn look down to her glass, now empty. She picked up the decantor, and poured herself another drink. She took a breath and then exhaled. She continued to avoid Dean's eyes.

"On that beach.. after we pulled you from the water, you wanted to go back in.. ." Dean said apprehensively.

It was still very much vivid in her mind. She nodded. "I guess I did."

"You still feel that way?" He asked slowly.

Charlie looked down to her wrists. Her eyebrows furrowed in thought for a bit trying to organize her thoughts. She started out slow shaking her head.

"I can't seem to separate her emotions from my own. That kid was never mine. I understand that. I mean, I didn't even know him." She paused. "And yet, I have clear memories of giving birth to him, of holding him in my arms. I can hear his laughter. His cries. Feel his hugs. Hear his voice... " Her voice trailed off. It hurt to talk about it. The memories flooded her and with one quick wave she suddenly felt like she was drowning. She quickly pushed her chair back from the table and stood up in response. Dean stood up too, his concern growing.

"Her loss is my loss." Charlie's voice cracked.

"Charlie.." Dean began.

"What am I supposed to do with that?" Charlie's voice sounded strained. "It's all I can think about. It's all I can feel. Every second of every moment.. I feel like I'm going crazy.. "

"Charlie.. " Dean repeated raising his hand up in a calming motion.

"They get to be together now and I'm.. just..what? Left behind? Hanging on by a thread...?" Charlie took a step back from Dean her face riddled with grief. Jody was dead on. Charlie was experiencing the kind of loss you would never wish on anyone. He took a step towards her and then another until he was inches from her. He lifted his hand to her face and gingerly brushed away a fallen strand of hair with his fingers.

"Charlie.. " Dean said in a determined sounding tone. She looked to him with great sadness in her eyes. "Like Jody said." He looked into her eyes. "Let go."

She looked at him questioningly.

"Grieve." He whispered to her.

Grieve.

She never realized she should or that she could for that matter. Grieve. What would happen if she did grieve for a little boy that had never been hers?

"That pain and loss is now yours too. It's ok to just let go and grieve Charlie. It's ok." He comforted her.

She stared back at him wondering if he was asking her to do the impossible.

"You are one of the strongest people I know." Dean said with confidence.

"I'm terrified." Charlie said.

"I'd be seriously worried if you weren't." Dean responded. He pulled her into an embrace and she leaned into him her heart aching deeply.

It was mind blowing how much it hurt to be without the little boy. It left her feeling unsteady and unsound. She felt Dean's arms tighten around her. She found it helped keep her tethered to the here and now and was suddenly very thankful she had people like Sam and Dean in her life. Especially Dean. He had become her confidant with so many things and in so many ways, that it was hard to imagine life without him. She hugged him tighter.