Chapter Three-Hundred and Six
Clarissa watched as John and the band prepared for the concert. It was the first time John had sung a full show since the attempted hanging, and his voice was still weaker than it used to be. She listened to his voice, smiling when they finished soundcheck and he came backstage. "You sound great." She encouraged, kissing his cheek.
"You're gonna love tonight's show." He chuckled, pulling his t-shirt over his hips to hide the harness.
John's voice rose, his power echoing over the crowd as the lines attached to his harness were pulled tight and his feet left the stage. He was vaguely aware of Clarissa's voice in his in-ear pack, screaming at him to get down and stop risking his life. He quickly fixed that problem by taking the speaker out of his ear and letting it rest on his shoulder. He let himself flip upside down, continuing the song without missing a single beat.
His nose wrinkled as the smell of overdue frying oil, liver, onions, and cheep cologne reached his nose. One thought passed through his mind: Ben.
Thomas jumped back as John stormed backstage, able to see his shaking muscles, the black pools in his eyes, the harsh pants of breath, he was starting to fall into a flashback and from the signs this would be a bad one. He waved Ryan over, nodding to the teen as he stalked around the equipment. "What do you think triggered it?" He asked, pulling Phoebe close to his hip.
"Hard to tell." He shrugged, letting Clarissa and her daughter step toward John to catch him should he fall when the memory took over completely. "He can be triggered by just about anything. Even just a smell connected to a memory."
Claire lunged for John as his legs gave out, wrapping her hands around his biceps and chest. "John. John, listen to me. You're safe. You're at the concert, backstage, with all of us." She brushed her lips over his ear, stopping at the shiver of revulsion that passed through him.
He hissed a breath, one name on his lips. "Ben…"
John didn't sleep that night, instead choosing to pace around the nursery and take care of the quads. He bounced Flynn in his arms, rocking Violet's crib as she fussed. The dark circles under his eyes had returned, and no matter what he did, he couldn't get the taste and smell of Ben out of his head. He could still taste the blood from when he'd bitten the pervs lip, still smell the BO when he'd gotten too close while tying John to the laundry poles for his flogging. He could still feel his hard hands on his body, still see him teasing himself every time he closed his eyes. He hadn't seen Ben in the crowd, but he knew that the creep had been there.
Jade leaned on the doorframe, listening to John's quiet voice as he sang gentle songs to her children. The words weren't what you would call happy, in fact, they were exactly the opposite, this was a song he'd written in rehab… after the relapse that had nearly taken his life and his spirit.
"I got no excuses For all of these goodbyes… Call me when it's over 'Cause I'm dying inside, Wake me when the shakes are gone And the cold sweats disappear… Call me when it's over And myself has reappeared I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know why I do it every, every, every time It's only when I'm lonely Sometimes I just wanna cave And I don't wanna fight I try and I try and I try and I try and I try Just hold me, I'm lonely Momma, I'm so sorry, I'm not sober anymore And daddy, please forgive me for the drinks spilled on the floor To the ones who never left me We've been down this road before I'm so sorry, I'm not sober anymore I'm sorry to my future love, for breaking your trust again, And I'm sorry for the faith I lost When they watched me fall again… I wanna be a role model But I'm only human I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know why I do it every, every, every time It's only when I'm lonely… Sometimes I just wanna cave And I don't wanna fight I try and I try and I try and I try and I try Just hold me, I'm lonely… Momma, I'm so sorry I'm not sober anymore And daddy, please forgive me for the drinks spilled on the floor To the ones who never left me We've been down this road before I'm so sorry, I'm not sober anymore I'm not sober anymore I'm sorry that I'm here again I promise I'll get help It wasn't my intention I'm sorry to myself…" His breath rattled in his chest, a silvery tear slipping down his cheek as he sang. The words holding parts of his heart that he would never bare to anyone else. The parts of him that only Claire could see.
Jade smiled, turning on her heel and walking back to the room that she and Dominic were using. "He's still with them." She yawned, crawling back into bed with her future husband.
"He won't sleep tonight." He moaned, rolling over and pulling her back against his chest. "He never does after something like that." He rested his chin on her head, drifting off before another word could be passed between them..