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A/n thank you for patiently waiting for this new update. RL has taken over for several days. Once again I want to thank all who support this story by their comments, following or adding to their favorites. You're all awesome readerse. Please enjoy this new chapter.
JJ shifted restlessly from one side of her bed to the other. She yanked on her yellow tank as it rode up her torso and then punched at her pillow. She sat up in the dark and pulled her legs to her chest. The urge to cry wouldn't go away, and so she gave into it with gusto. She sobbed into her hands for several minutes before getting out of bed and grabbing her favorite blue robe.
After going to the kitchen for some chamomile tea, she huddled on her chocolate brown leather couch and pulled a knitted throw around her shoulders. She felt – cold! She couldn't stop shivering despite the tea and the blanket. The entire apartment felt artic, and she wondered if the heat had gone off in the middle of the night, then she remembered that the low temperature had been forecast as fifty-five and she didn't need the heat yet.
God, if she could stop thinking about three days in hell. She never wanted to go back to Colorado and indeed, not back to Liberty Ranch. She hoped with all her soul that Benjamin Cyrus burned in hell if there was such a place.
I can take it!
JJ sat up and put her hands over her ears as if she could drown out the memory of Emily's assurances that she could survive a brutal beating at the hands of Cyrus and his followers.
Sons of bitches that hid behind the Bible!
JJ tried to sip her tea now that it cooled, but instead of calming her nerves, the liquid tasted like death and betrayal. She rocked back and forth in her seat and tried not to think of Emily's bruises. If Emily hadn't stepped up – no, she wouldn't think of it because she'd never sleep.
The explosion from the compound bloomed in her mind and replayed over again as if it happened for the first time. She thought she could smell the acrid scent of burning wood and see the flames lashing the air like the tail of a huge serpent sent to devour the wicked. If Morgan and Reid hadn't emerged from the wreckage – again, JJ shook her head in denial. They were okay. He was okay!
JJ went back to her room and climbed into her bed after straightening her comforter. She closed her eyes and tried to sleep, but all she saw behind her eyelids was Spencer's face and the pain in his eyes. He'd seen a medic at the ranch, and the bruises to his abdomen made Cyrus's weapon, would heal, but he wouldn't be the same, just as he wasn't the same after Tobias Hankel.
She tossed and turned until four in the morning before giving up and going back to her living room. She turned on a mindless infomercial on television and finally fell into a restless sleep that lasted for three hours before nightmares of Hotch telling them that Spence hadn't survived propelled her out of her rest.
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JJ waited until nine am before calling Reid's number, and when he didn't answer, she thought he might be sleeping. She paced her living room then decided to try and clear her head with a run down to the park. She changed into her workout attire, slipped her cell into a pocket and grabbed a bottle of ice-cold water.
She ran out of her door and down the steps to the city streets. People hurried along the sidewalk and cars whizzed past, but she barely saw them. She moved around them without effort as though guided by some instinct that lived on from a time when humans ran from predators every day. Soon, she found the rhythm of her feet slapping the concrete and the inhale and exhales of her breath pushed everything out of her mind. She pushed on, faster and faster until she flew like the wind past the park and half a mile down the street. Spence insisted on pushing into her mind, and when she saw his lovely eyes full of pain and guilt over Emily, she stopped, bent over and put her hands on her knees as she tried to get her breath back.
Damn it! It wasn't his fault that Emily took a beating. It was Benjamin Cyrus's fault, and she was going to make him see it. She looked around and noticed that several people were staring at her as they went by, but she decided not to make eye contact. Instead, she gulped down half her water, then walked back to the park to find a bench.
Spence's phone didn't pick up when she called him, and she looked at her watch. It was ten minutes to ten am, and still, he didn't answer the phone. Hotch had said that the team had three days off. Emily and Reid were to stay out until cleared by a doctor and an FBI psychologist. JJ nearly smiled because Spence and Emily both had the intelligence to fool the shrinks. JJ sighed and decided to run back to her apartment and take a long shower. Maybe Spence had gone to the doctor as their medic had suggested and he couldn't answer the phone.
Stop obsessing!
JJ stood and began the run back to her place. If only she'd had the chance to talk to him without the team around to overhear and judge. If she knew he was okay!
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Reid stood in front of the BCC and said "Hi, my name is Spencer. I'm an addict. I've been sober for eighteen months and three days. We just returned case in Colorado. It was all over the news, I'm told. I was held in a polygamist compound for three days with my teammate Emily, and –"
Reid stopped and swallowed hard as he surveyed the group in front of him. They watched him with solemn and understanding faces, and for some reason, their lack of judgment nearly forced tears from his eyes.
"I was injured, but others were hurt worse, and some were killed. We lost a teenage girl whom the leader had brainwashed and subjected to child rape in the name of religion and telling all that polygamy was God's way. I don't know if there is a God," Reid continued, and his memory of what he'd seen when briefly dead in Georgia played on the edges of his conscious mind. "I want to think that if there is, he gives us the right to choose our destinies, but it's impossible to understand when those choices harm a child.
Spencer spoke for a long time, and when he finished, he sat at the back of the group. Many of his fellow addicts watched him as he walked to his seat and said with their eyes that they didn't sit in judgment on him. The act of talking about what happened took a weight from his shoulders, but he wished that JJ was there. He wanted her to see this and understand how these good people stood in strength around him when he needed it most.
John approached him after the meeting, "Spencer, I'm so sorry."
"I know, John. Thank you."
"How are you?"
"I'm better. Last night, after I arrived back at my apartment, I wanted oblivion so badly, I nearly went out searching for a needle."
"You didn't, though," John said softly as the group milled around them with coffee and cookies.
"No, but I was tempted, more than any other time since I killed Tobias Hankel. I couldn't sleep, and I wanted to call JJ."
"Why didn't you?"
Spencer blew out a breath. "Hotch knows, and I think Morgan does, but I haven't told the others. I can't bring myself to talk about it, yet."
"You think they'll judge you or you'll lose their respect."
"Yes, and I know what you're going to say," Reid held up a hand. "You're going to say that telling them can only help and you're right, but – oh, god. I don't know how to begin."
"Why don't you begin with JJ?"
"I don't know if our relationship is strong enough."
"Spencer, it's my job to know my people and their abilities. I know Jennifer Jareau, better now that you have intense feelings for her. She's a strong woman whose kind, compassionate and giving. She's intelligent, and she loves you."
Spencer gaped at John, then laughed. "If you can see it, then I'm surprised Hotch hasn't picked up on it and confronted us."
"I think he's waited for you to come clean."
"I don't want to be separated from JJ."
"You won't because there are no fraternization rules, as you know, and you have me on your side. I want your team intact because you are the best, period."
"How do I begin?" Reid asked.
"You talk to her. Tell her what you've told this group. She will understand."
"I wish I had your confidence."
John laid a hand on Reid's shoulder. "You do. Now go and talk to her."
"I will."
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Reid stood outside JJ's apartment door and tried to make his hand raise and knock. He shifted from one foot to the other. He hadn't felt this nervous around JJ in months. What if she hated him for his weakness?
She won't hate you.
Reid knocked and waited, then knocked again, and finally, JJ's door opened. He gaped at her appearance. Her eyes were red and swollen; her hair hung limp and without its usual shine. She wore a ripped pair of grey sweatpants and a faded pink tee shirt.
"What do you want?"
Reid jerked at the snap in her voice. "I'm sorry, I didn't call but –"
"Yeah, I noticed. I've been trying to call you all day, but you didn't pick up. I was terrified –"
He watched her dissolve into tears, and he hurried forward, closed the door and led her into her living room. JJ sat on the edge of her sofa and swiped at her face. "I don't want to talk to you, now, Spence. I'm furious."
Reid sat despite her anger and held out a hand. "I'm sorry, Jennifer. I had a lot of trouble sleeping; then I had a doctor's appointment and several errands. It wasn't my intention to frighten you."
"You think that now we're dating you don't have to pick up the phone. Must've been something mighty important to ignore your girlfriend especially after what happened last night."
Reid felt something stir in his heart that was anger, understanding and some self-recrimination. "I didn't ignore you on purpose, and I won't let you make me feel guilty. I had something significant to handle tonight."
"I can understand having trouble sleeping. I didn't get any sleep until early this morning. I can understand the doctor, but what else was so important that you ignored my calls."
Reid blew out a breath and sat back. "Jen, there's something I need to tell you, and I don't know if you're going to like it."
JJ finally made eye contact with him, and her face changed. Fear filled her blue eyes, and he kicked himself for making her more afraid. "You want out," JJ said.
"What? No. I said I love you and I mean it. You're the only one for me, Jennifer Jareau. You're the missing piece to my soul."
"Then what –"
"I was at a Beltway Clean Cops meeting."
JJ stared at him. "What?"
"It's a support group for addicts. I'm an addict, or rather a recovering addict. I have been since after Georgia. I guess you could say that Tobias in his bid to spare me the pain inflicted by Rafael and Charles, forcibly addicted me to Dilaudid. I wasn't strong enough to fight it. I stole drugs from his dead body after you found me in that cemetery."
Reid got to his feet and took two steps to the door. "No," JJ grabbed him. "You're not going anywhere, Spencer Reid. You don't drop that on me and assume that I'll hate you for it. What kind of woman do you think I am?"
Reid swallowed hard as tears filled his eyes. "I'm sorry. We've been together for months now, and I didn't have the strength to –"
JJ put a finger to his lips, and a tear slid down his cheek. "I'm sorry that I made you feel that you had to hide from me. Will you forgive me?"
Reid gathered her into his arms. "There's no need to forgive you. I'm sorry I ignored your calls. I should've made the time to call you and let you know I'm okay."
JJ hugged him tight, and he groaned. "Damn it," JJ said and pulled back. "I'm sorry."
"Stop apologizing."
"Let me get you something for the pain."
"No, you're the only thing I need."
Reid tugged her close and kissed her mouth. He revealed in the feel of her skin, and the touch of her fingers on his face. "Jen. I love you."
"Spence, are you sure this is what you want, now. You're hurt."
"I'm sure we can work around it, but you'll have to cut me a bit of metaphorical slack. I've never done this before," he admitted.
"Hm," JJ said as his mouth went to her neck. "You're doing great so far."
She took his hand and led him into her room. He shut the door and found the light he'd searched for so long to complete him.
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JJ woke the next morning and smiled as she turned to snuggle into the warm, male body next to her. She slid her arms around his waist and let her hands stroke gently over the bruises on his skin. "Hm," he said and jerked a little. "That hurts."
"Sorry, babe." JJ kissed his bare shoulder, then shifted as he turned with a groan and faced her.
"I think it's worse this morning than yesterday."
"I'm not surprised considering our rather vigorous activities last night."
Reid smiled down at her, and his eyes had lost some of their haunted light. She slid a hand through his hair and kissed his nose. "I'm sorry I didn't play the role of the voice of reason, but I needed you."
"I needed you, too. As much as I wanted to wait for the right time, and place, I suddenly realized that –"
"We work for the BAU, and there'd never be a time when we weren't recovering from a case, or some other trauma or injury."
"Well, that's putting a sad spin on our lives, but you're right."
JJ lightly smacked his arm. "You know what I mean."
"Yes, I do."
He went quiet as he studied her face. JJ narrowed her eyes and said. "What are you thinking?"
"I was wondering – "
She lifted her eyebrows. "Yes."
"You're going to make me say it,"
"Yes."
He sighed and put his face into her hair. "It was my first time and –"
"Baby, look at me."
He looked into her eyes which were full of love. "I'm sorry to tease you. I know how much all of this meant to you. You don't have to ask if everything was okay. It was amazing because I was with you."
She watched as relief lightened his expression and he grinned with happiness. "I'm glad because I was afraid."
"You don't have to be afraid, baby. It's only going to get better."
He frowned, and JJ put a hand to his face. "What?"
"Well, I don't know if I can accept this as a true first experience because even though you insisted that we take it slow and that we use a rather creative position, it was painful, and I don't want to associate pain with sexual pleasure."
JJ laughed as his face went pink. "Can I assume that to mean you're not going to turn into a BDSM fanatic?"
He pushed her over to her back. "I think I'll make you pay for that, Jennifer."
"So that's a no," she groaned as his talented hands began their new favorite job.
"Yes, I'm going to work through the pain," and he sank into her with a groan and a sigh.