Letting go
She couldn't even begin to imagine what it was like losing your only child and son to an incurable disease, though she knew what it was like to lose someone you held dear, whether it was through illness or an accident. Her father had been diagnosed with a severe case of ischemic heart disease, though they had never known until after he had been taken to the hospital after being a victim in a car crash. She never got to say goodbye... but this time, it wasn't going to be like that.
She didn't care how strange she felt, standing there, the strap of her guitar case hanging from her shoulder, by the door of the hospital room 1021. She didn't care about that sick feeling she always got when she was in a hospital, the one she was currently feeling. All she cared about was the pale-looking boy, laying in the hospital bed, which was slightly propped upward so it was as though he were sitting.
Feeling that he wasn't alone, Jamie sighed and slowly turned his head. "I told you, Dad, I'm..." he trailed off when he noticed that his father wasn't the one standing there. "Ayden."
Her lips twitched in an attempt to smile, though it only came out as a grimace. "I thought I was Ayden," she joked half-heartedly.
He cracked a smile. "You're here."
"I couldn't let you leave without saying goodbye, now, could I?" she said softly, walking forward toward his bed.
He chuckled. "I guess not." His eyes shifted toward the encased instrument hanging from her shoulder, and his brows instantly raised in surprise. "You brought it out?" he asked softly.
She cracked a smile at his innocent face. "Only for you."
He leaned back against his pillows. "Can you sing me something?"
She hesitated for a moment before nodding and bringing her guitar out. After making sure it was tuned, she sat on the edge of the bed beside him and began to play a soft melody on her acoustic guitar.
She closed her eyes for a moment, then, finally, began to sing, after strumming two rounds on her guitar, her mezzo-soprano voice sounding like the soft blow of an ocarina.
"It almost feels like it was just a dream, all these memories of you and me, soon blown away in the summer breeze. It'll almost feel like we just never were, all the time we spent all just a blur, and it'll just be me and a melody."
She shifted her gaze over to the window on the other side of her room, where the pouring rain was quite visible. "So what am I... supposed to do?" She looked back at him. "'Cause all these plans we made in the sand are through."
She paused for a moment, before continuing onto the chorus, both completely oblivious of his parents and nurse watching them from the doorway.
"Without you: I'm on my own. Am I gonna be alone? And if it's only me, myself and I, will I be fine? So far from home... and I just don't know; am I gonna make it? Brave enough to take this road, out on my own."
For a moment it was just the guitar playing before she continued, "Looking in the mirror, it's hard to see... all these choices that I've gone between; who I should and who I wanna be." And it was the just the guitar again before she continued. "I wanna send and take this wave, and ride into a brighter day; should I take a chance and bet on me?"
Her gaze once again shifted over to the window on the other side of her room. "So what am I... supposed to do?" She looked back at him, eyes practically pleading. "I got all these plans, but can't get through them without you..."
She paused for a moment again, before continuing onto the chorus. "'Cause without you: I'm on my own. Am I gonna be alone? And if it's only me, myself and I, will I be fine? So far from home... and I just don't know..." She strummed once. "Am I gonna make it?" Twice. "Brave enough to take this road..." Then finished with only her voice. "Out on my own."
"Ayden..." he said softly. She only shook her head, pushing him into pulling her into his arms in a cold yet warm embrace. She pushed her guitar aside and returned the gesture, though ever so gently as though she were afraid he might break and, at this point, it was hard not to imagine that happening.
"You're going to have to eventually, you know."
She shook her head, holding him a little tighter. "No, Jamie. I... I can't—"
"I'm not asking you to forget me. I'm just asking you to stay strong and move on," he said softly.
She shook her head again, letting out a small heartbreaking laugh. "I'll never be able to move on, Jamie..." she managed to choke out through her constricted throat.
Beep— Beep— Beep—
He caressed her face which was pressed against his chest; she was warm in comparison to his cold body and that made her shiver slightly as he ran his fingers against her cheek.
"I love you," he whispered.
She looked up at him, eyes watering. "Please don't leave me, Jamie," she croaked.
His breathing was becoming harder and that made her instantly loosen her grip around him. "I... I can't... I can't promise... you anything anymore... Ayden, and... for that, I am so sorry."
Her brows furrowed, eyes only widening in realization when she heard the heart monitor slowing down. She shook her head, a few tears betraying her.
"Please... please, James... Please, I need you... I need you now, more than ever."
"Stay... strong..." His breath came out slow, and the monitor was silent.
Her breathing hitched as she watched him close his eyes, his arms falling from around her. "No... James... Jamie? Please... open your eyes... wake up!" She shook him, not wanting to believe— to accept that he was gone. "Please! Wake up!"
Jamie's father instantly walked over to her as his wife went off with the nurse to call the doctor.
"Somebody! Please! Bring him—"
"Carmen, let him—"
"No!" she cried out as Reverend Grenadier placed his hands on her shoulders. She shook him off. "No! He can't... he can't— he promised! Jamie! Please! Come back!"
It actually hurt him to watch her like this. He had always seen her as a cold distant girl, a girl that barely showed any emotions. Watching her break down in tears this way was heartbreaking and made him regret misjudging her; his son was right. She had changed. She had cared. But now, he wasn't sure if she ever would again; she was just too broken. He understood her pain; he had just lost his only child and son.
He was not the only one who was going to be missing the boy, though. The mourning crowd stood in a silent circle, three weeks, as he took his place beside his son's coffin. He looked around to make sure that all the guests were present, though noticed the young girl his son had loved his entire life was nowhere in sight. Shaking his head to himself in disappointment, he cleared his throat then began to speak.
"Ladies and gentlemen, we gather here today to mourn the loss of our friend... and my son... James Harrison Grenadier."
"Amen," the crowd murmured in unison.
"God full of mercy who dwells on high, grant perfect rest on the wings of Your Divine Presence in the lofty heights of the holy and pure who shine as the brightness of the heavens to the soul of James Grenadier, who has gone to his eternal rest as all his family and friends pray for the elevation of his soul. His resting place shall be in the Garden of Eden. Therefore, the Master of Mercy will care for him under the protection of His wings for all time and bind his soul in the bond of everlasting life. God is his inheritance and he will rest in peace and let us say Amen."
"Amen!"
At this point the reverend stopped, knowing that it was time for him to offer his final blessings to his son, as a father, before his wife came and did the same, along with the rest of his small family and Jamie's friends. The process was long, dull, heartbreaking and tiring, though he could not hide the enlightening of his face and surprise when he was about to end it.
A tall, somewhat full yet slender brunette came out from the crowd. She was wearing a thick red scarf, stuffed into a long black coat, and a pair of black pants and her eyes were red and puffy from crying. She had brought her guitar with her. Kneeling down before the coffin, she closed her eyes and whispered a short prayer. The reverend waited patiently.
After a few moments, the young brunette stood up and turned, walked over to the Reverend, eyes silently asking permission to something to which she was granted. Taking a deep breath, she took his place and turned to face the crowd.
"Hi," she breathed out. "My name is Carmen Jaubert... but I go by Ayden. I am - was James' girlfriend."
She ran her tongue over her slightly chapped lips before continuing in a slightly trembling voice. "I don't know about all of you... but to me... Jamie... he was the best thing that ever happened to me." She swallowed hard. "My best friend was sent off into the army a while ago. I was a wreck at that time because I had gotten myself into some trouble and he wasn't there for me. The only person who was there was Jamie."
She gazed over at the picture on the coffin. "He was my friend for as long as I can remember, though he wasn't my best friend. I didn't know him well enough to know what he was feeling. Recently, after managing my way out of the mess I had gotten into, I was... confused. I had no idea what to do with myself. I had fallen into a bad habit of doing something reckless practically every day, and it was hard to fall out of it. But Jamie helped me, and I have never been happier..."
Though she was hard to figure out, it was clear to everyone that she was the kind of girl who avoided feeling, so it was a surprise to hear her admission, though it was also heartwarming. It was nice and beautiful to know that the young man had at least gotten someone to live him in that way.
"Someone brought me out of my shell, not so long ago. They helped me discover all fifty shades of myself. But I was drowning in those fifty shades. I was drowning... and Jamie saved me. He showed me that I didn't have to be so many different things for someone to love me. And that's why I loved him. That's why I love him, and I will never stop loving him. I owe everything to him— my dignity and the very meaning of my life. Our love shall not end with death, James, for sooner or later we shall be reunited in the Kingdom of our Lord."
The sound of sobbing could now be heard from within the crowd, and a few women began to wipe their faces with handkerchiefs.
Brows furrowing slightly, Ayden looked down at her feet for a moment, then gazed over at Jamie's picture, before finally looking at the crowd once more.
"I brought my guitar today. Jamie liked it when I sang to him, and... though I already sang him before... before, I want this song I am dedicating to him to be his last," she said, adjusting her guitar strap so the instrument was in front of her.
She took a deep breath. She had always been afraid of singing in public; she'd been judged way too much as it was, she didn't like being judged in front of a whole crowd, though, right now, she was ready to make an exception. For Jamie.
Clearing her throat, she began strumming on her guitar, going three rounds before letting once again her mezzo-soprano voice soars its way out through her lips, like the soft blow of an ocarina.
"I always knew this day would come, we'd be standing one by one. A different future in our hands, so many changes in our plans."
She gazed up, heart clenching; even the sky looked sad. "I always knew after all these years, there'd be laughter, there'd be tears..." She looked down at the picture on the coffin, eyes watering. "But never thought I'd walk away with such a soul and heartbreaking pain." Her eyes closed as she transitioned the notes. "And it's so hard to say goodbye."
She paused for a moment, before continuing onto the chorus. "But I'm moving on, letting go, holding on to tomorrow. I've always got the memories while I'm finding out who I'm gonna be. We might be apart, but I hope you always know that I will always remember you!"
For a moment it was just the guitar playing before she continued, "Everyday that we had, all the good all the bad: I'll keep them here inside. All the times that we shared, every place, everywhere you touched my life." And it was the just the guitar again before she continued. "Yeah, one day I'll look back, I'll smile, and I'll laugh, but right now I'm just crying, 'cause it's so hard to say goodbye."
She paused for a moment again, before continuing onto the chorus. "But I'm moving on, letting go, holding on to tomorrow..." She strummed softly. "I've always got the memories while I'm finding out who I'm gonna be." She strummed harder. "We might be apart, but I hope you always know that I will always remember you, oh!" Her strumming became softer as she neared the end. "We might be apart, but I hope you always know, you'll be with me..." She strummed once. "And I will never forget you..." Twice. "'Cause, you'll be with me, yeah..." Then finished with only her voice. "Wherever I go..."
It was quiet when she finished as she bowed her head toward the coffin in an act of respect, though she did not miss the awed looks she received from the crowd. Nevertheless, she simply nodded to them, then to the reverend who'd been waiting patiently. He returned the nod with an approving and appreciative one of his own, before turning to look at the gathered crowd.
"Is there anyone else who'd like to speak?"
No one answered; Ayden had practically said everything needed to say.
The Reverend nodded. "Very well. Now we may lower the coffin."
Several hooded figures encircled the coffin and began the procedure. The coffin was lowered into the pit, and the workers began shoveling to fill the pit. Once done, the hooded men joined the mourners in their circle. The reverend crossed his fingers in pious prayer.
"The kindness of James Grenadier will not be forgotten. May our Lord take this sacrifice and bestow upon us peace, happiness, and prosperity. Amen."
"Amen!" the mourners said in unison.
Again, Ayden wasn't one to hate, though, if she could make an exception, it would be herself that she hated; the second she left the cemetery that day, she got home, logged onto her computer, and began to create a file on herself, falsifying as much as she could. It took her four days to finish it, but, a week after that, she went to the MEPS and handed them in, with only hope that she would be chosen.
She waited days, weeks, though, when she finally got her mail in mid-September, the letter dedicated to her was not the one she had hoped to get ever.
Dear Miss Jaubert,
I was incredibly saddened to learn of the death of your brother, Leonard Dorian.
Ayden frowned. Leonard was not her brother. He was close to it, but they weren't related. And he was... he was dead?
I am sure that your family must be going through a whole range of emotions right now, from being devastated to proud to angry, then back to devastated again.
Knowing that he died while serving his country is supposed to bring you a little bit of comfort, and I hope it does. You know that Leonard loved and was proud of what he was doing. While no armed services member wants to die in the line of duty, they all know it's a possibility, and it's a risk they're willing to take.
That said, it's never easy on the ones they leave behind. All I can say is that you're perfectly entitled to whatever you're feeling, and you will help yourself if you feel all those emotions instead of trying to bury them. That's the only way you can truly begin to heal.
I am around if you need anything at all. Please get in touch.
With love,
Colonel Jenkins.
He was... gone?
First her father, then Jamie, now Leonard? Why did everyone she loved always died on her?
She had no idea what to do with herself, or what to do in general anymore. Either way, she had already enrolled, so all she had left to do was wait. There was nothing holding her back now.
Her letter came on the eleventh of October, though when she finally got it, she didn't get it the way she had hoped to get it. Her brother had been the one to see what mail they had gotten that day and, when he saw an unfamiliar envelope with his sister's name on it, he instantly tore it up and read. What he read was not something he liked. At all.
"Why the hell does it say in this letter that you've been drafted... selected to be in the army?"
Ayden looked at her brother, face as calm as ever. "I enlisted."
Her brother looked at her in disbelief. "Why the hell would you do that?! And— they let you? You're only fifteen, for fuck's sake!"
"I'm well aware of my age, brother." Her reply was followed by a shrug and small chuckle.
He glared at his sister. "You think this is a joke? You're going to war and you laugh about it like it's nothing?"
"Look, Eddie, I know it's war, but you have to accept that I'm doing this willingly. I'm not taking this as a mere joke. What do you want me to do? Cry about it?"
"I want you to go up to them and tell them you're not going."
"You know I can't do that. Once I'm in, I'm in... unless I do something drastic that would get me kicked out, but I am not doing that."
He shook his head in disbelief. "Are you out of your mind?" he muttered. "It that really what you want? To get yourself killed?"
"It's kind of inevitable in a war, in case you didn't know."
"This isn't a damn video game, Carmen."
Ayden winced. She generally hated being called by her first name, but it stung, even more, when it was her brother doing so. "I know it's not. And I'm not scared, Ed... I know what I'm getting myself into."
He stared at her for a moment, eyes cold with anger. He turned and walked away, though not before muttering, "Just go and get yourself killed then."
The young Menéndez didn't know this, but his words had actually been loud enough for Ayden to hear and be heartbroken at that. Her saddened eyes lingered on his retreating back for a moment before she grabbed her letter and once again locked herself in her room.
There, many nights after then, for the next week, she would find herself sitting on her bed, staring at one particular notebook. It was old and worn, the written of a six-year-old scribbled on the cover, spelling her name.
Carmen
Back when before she had let herself break and be clumsily brought back together as Ayden.
She would grab that yellow little makeshift notebook and flip through the pages, always landing on one particular verse she'd written so long ago— it felt like a millennium; on the edge of turning seven, her brother, aged of ten at the time, had been now a considerably intermediate pianist. His creativity had finally bloomed, and he had begun composing piano pieces. Ayden, whose artistic potential had blossomed earlier in the literary arts, had begun writing poems, which she later realized resounded better as songs.
This wasn't discovered until that one night her brother was struggling with his composition.
"Hurry, Cece! Come record this! I can't forget this! Hurry!"
"Okay! Okay, I'm coming!"
When the recorder was finally placed beside him, the melody slipped from his mind and the boy could only groan in disappointment. "Gah! I forgot!"
Six-year-old Ayden had felt sad upon seeing her brother disappointed and settled on the bench beside him. Hesitant, she slowly brought her small hand to the piano and fingered the keys for a moment, trying to recall the key her brother was playing on; she didn't know how to play, but she was very much in tune and could easily adapt to anything musical.
When she found the right key, she clumsily began to play a soft, slow melody she believed would go along great with his composition. Hugging her journal in which she wrote her poems to her chest, she replayed the melody multiple times, growing accustomed to the way her fingers jumped from a key to another.
As her brother listened more closely, his own spirits lit upon realizing the same thing she was. Bringing his hands onto the instrument, he began to play anew as Ayden opted to continue singing the melody she'd been playing.
" Every night I lie in bed," she suddenly whispered. "The brightest colors fill my head... a million dreams are keeping me awake..."
She smiled at the look of surprise on her brother's face. "I think of what the world could be," she began to subconsciously sing louder, not once noticing the silhouette of her mother standing by the door. "A vision of the one I see... a million dreams is all it's gonna take... for the world we're gonna make…"
Eduardo excitedly decided to continue, playing with more animosity.
" I close my eyes, under the moonlight and see… a world which I've only ever dreamed… one I call my own…" A small transition in the piano momentarily played, growing slightly louder and dramatic before returning to the gleeful tune. "Through the dark, through the door, somewhere no one's been before… but it feels like home…
They can say, they can say it all sounds crazy. They can say that I have lost my mind… I don't care, they all can call me crazy— I'll run away to a world of my own design…!
Don't matter how big, don't matter how small, just wanna be part of it all…" With a bright smile on her face, she took hold of her brother's arm and rested her head on his shoulder as she hugged him. "Please share your dreams with me…"
She jumped to her feet and, much like she had done well over a year before when she told him of her dream wedding, she began to run around the living room and jumping onto the couches, seemingly never losing her breath.
" It may be right, it may be wrong," she sang admittedly, running back toward him. "But I just wanna bring you along… to the world in my dreams… you just have to close your eyes to see all I see in my dreams!"
Finally seeming tired, she sat back down beside him, panting slightly, though seemingly not tired enough to stop singing.
" 'Cause every night I lie in bed," she now sang in a whisper. "The brightest colors fill my head… and million just keep… keeping me awake!"
Her eyes would fill with tears and she would continue to sing along with the once gleeful little Carmen from her dreams. "Just think of what the world could be… a vision right out of our dreams— million dreams is all it's gonna take… a million dreams for the world we're gonna make…"
And then she would let herself cry and what once was and would surely never be again as she'd curl herself up in her bed, hugging the notebook to her chest, mentally counting down the days till she was due to leave.
No one knew where she was going other than her brother, her mother, and Marion, though her mother didn't really give much of a reaction. Ayden was all packed and ready to go before she had even gotten the letter, so she was ready for when the time came. She was on her computer late one night, deleting all of her social media accounts, only making sure to leave her email activated in case she ever came back, though just when she was about to deactivate her Facebook account, something stopped her. A message.
Hesitating slightly, she opened it and read it.
Hey, Ayden!
It's me, Erick, but I'm pretty sure you guessed that already.
Anyway, I haven't heard from you in a while, and the summer festival already passed. I wanted to play with you, but you didn't answer my messages. There's one coming up on Halloween.
You game?
Let me know!
Should she...? Ayden bit her lip. It wouldn't hurt to make a theatrical departure...
Clicking on the reply box at the bottom of the page, her fingers soared forward and hovered over the keyboard. After a few more seconds of hesitation, she began typing down her reply.
Can you meet me tomorrow?
Her answer came almost instantly.
Hey! Yeah, sure. What time?
She told him when and where, and since then, for the next few weeks, they practiced with the other people they got together for the Halloween festival. She felt rather uncomfortable the way she dressed; she was okay with dark colors, but dresses? Not so much. Either way, she did not pay much mind to her 'costume' as her last song was what her mind was set on as she stepped onto the stage, her 'high school' band following right behind her.
"Hi," she spoke softly into her microphone, nervously adjusting her guitar strap. "Er... I know most of you may know me from the previous summers... or when I was in high school with some of you... but, anyway... I wasn't here the past summer, but I'm here now."
The crowd chuckled.
"But, I probably won't be here for the next event because I will be going away for... a while. So, I want to sing this last song, not only to close the night but also as my... departing song."
Looking back at Herman, the drummer of her little band, then at Erick, the lead guitarist, then Frank, the bassist, and finally Samantha, the pianist, she nodded; she was only going to sing this time.
Erick began the first round before Ayden began to sing.
"Insecure in her skin, like a puppet, a girl on a string..." And the drum set joined the thing chords and beautiful vocals. "Broke away, learned to fly― if you want her back, gotta let her shine."
Her eyes wandered around the crowd as the song took on a transitioning note as it reached the short pre-chorus; there were many people she recognized― her friends Loris, Medina, Channelize, Lexi, Jeremy, Joe, George, Fabian, Charlie... Dinah and Max?
As her eyes continued to surf the crowd, she felt her insides freeze as they settled upon a pair of brown eyes, twin to her own.
Why was he here? He'd made it clear, those few weeks ago, that he would rather she'd die. She internally scoffed. She didn't care anymore.
"Now it looks like the joke's on you... 'cause the girl that you thought you knew..."
It was silent for a few seconds before all of the instruments, along with her voice burst loudly through the large speakers at each side of the stage.
"She's so gone! That's so over now; she's so gone! You won't find her around..." The crowd had become wild at this point, even though the band had only reached the first chorus. "You can look but you won't see the girl I used to be, 'cause she... she's so gone!"
Erick and Frank then jumped into a bridging, dueling solo, going to four rounds before Ayden jumped back in for the bridge.
"Oh, she's so gone away like history! She's so gone! Baby, this is me, yeah..."
The instruments toned down into another silence that lasted for another few seconds before jumping back into the last chorus.
"She's so gone! That's so over now; she's so gone! You won't find her around... You can look but you won't see the girl I used to be... 'Cause she... She's so gone!"
And the others sang in the background. "That's so over now."
"She's so gone!"
"You won't find her around!"
"You can look but you won't see the girl I used to be... 'Cause she... she's so gone."
The music toned down into a lower volume as the song was ending.
"So long; she's so gone. She's so gone... gone, gone, gone."
The crowd erupted into the loudest applause Ayden had ever received in her entire life. Her bandmates all joined her upfront of the stage, and all bowed in gratitude at the cheer their performance received, though as they all walked down to join the people of the festival, they noticed Ayden was nowhere in sight.
I will be going away for... a while...
Were they ever going to see her again? They didn't know, but what they did know was that Ayden was one of the best things that ever happened to them. If it hadn't been for her, Erick and Samantha would've never admitted their feelings to each other and started dating. If it hadn't been for her, Frank wouldn't have gone back to playing his one and only favorite instrument after he had an accident while performing once and had become disabled for, though temporarily, a very long time. Herman, if it hadn't been for Ayden, he would've never known that he was actually good at something when it came to music. If it hadn't been for Ayden, they would've never met and become the closest friends they currently were.
She was really something.
When November the Second finally came around, she left for the army. She started out in the Quebecor CFB Valcartier, being placed in the'12e Régiment blindé du Canada', or rather the '12th Canadian Armoured Regiment' and stayed there for a month before being transferred to an American installation in New York.
On December the fourth, she was shipped off to Kabul District, where she joined Camp Eggers, an American military camp that focused solely on NATO Training Mission-Afghanistan.
That was where her destiny began.
The End... sort of.