A/N: I want to say thank you so much for all the reviews, favorites, follows, and reads. You guys have no idea how much you make me smile. Special thanks to the guests who review, you're great and your prompts have been added to the poll (which has been updated :) ). I'm always open to more prompts for anyone who'd like to submit them!
Also, another special thanks to the guest who sent in today's prompt: PTSD Alex
This chapter takes place after/in reference to the events of chapter 7, in which Alex was found after being kidnapped and tortured.
Trigger warnings for this chapter include PTSD, kidnapping, and panic attacks
"Hey, you ready?" Kara asks as she stands up, pushing in her chair.
Alex nods slowly, pushing her coffee mug into the center of the table and watching as the remaining sliver of liquid splashes against the walls of the cup.
"I was hoping we could just crash at my place tonight, since it's already pretty late and we have to be up early tomorrow for that meeting at the DEO."
"Okay," Alex says. She gets up, tucking a strand of dark hair behind her ear as they leave the small café and step out onto the sidewalk. People bustle by and Alex pulls her bandaged wrist closer to her side. Six weeks have passed since she's come home; since she was found shaking in the basement of a building miles away from the city.
Her fractures are healing well, her casts recently turned to soft wraps and braces; her stitches are gone, too, and her gashes are closing.
She's okay. She supposed to be okay.
She can't help but be tortured by the fact that nothing is ever the way it's supposed to be.
Fifteen minutes have passed when Alex whips her head around. Her brown hair swishes around her face, tapping against her cheek as her eyes seek out whatever unknown object had yanked her attention. In the sea of people traveling down the moonlit street, she can't make out which figure had bobbed into her peripheral vision and oozed unease into her body.
She shakes her head and speeds up her pace until she's back in step with Kara.
"Everything okay?" The blonde asks and Alex forces a smile across her lips.
"Yeah."
"Good," Kara says, beaming as she swings her arm around Alex, pulling her closer.
Alex leans into Kara's touch, trying to shake the knot tightening in her stomach.
As they walked through the city in the direction of Kara's apartment, Alex tries to focus on her sister's light ramble. She's talking because she thinks Alex is finally better and it fills Kara with so much joy and excitement she can't stop. Alex thinks that maybe neither of them are ready to admit the reality of the situation, or maybe Kara just doesn't know that she's really just talking to fill the silence.
The air outside is cool, the wind sharp against Alex's red cheeks. The dull light of streetlamps casts shadows across the faces of each pedestrian.
It happens again.
Alex turns around, finally noticing what'd stopped her the first time. A man in a dark jacket, black and worn, just like her kidnapper. She'd seen him walking behind them earlier. They're being followed.
She sucks in a sharp breath and steals another glance at the man, afraid she'll see the dark hair and scarred face that had tortured her for weeks.
His head is down. She can't see his face. She can't see his face.
Something is very wrong.
Her fingers are moving across her lips. She swallows hard. Without any words Alex turns down the next street and her footsteps echo loudly off the concrete sidewalk.
It doesn't matter that her kidnapper's been sent to jail, that she knows he's locked away. The fear he's instilled in her doesn't go away. She's still at a loss of control. She still feels shattered.
It takes Kara a second to notice her sister isn't at her side.
The blonde's worry eases a moment later when she spots Alex and makes her way over.
"Alex, what's wrong?"
The agent doesn't respond, doesn't even hear her, as she watches wide-eyed as the man walks past them. His head is still down, but in the close proximity Alex can see that he's been looking at his phone, the light illuminating his blond hair.
Alex stumbles backward when he disappears around the corner, slumping over and sighing in relief.
Her breath is quicker than it should be.
"Alex," Kara calls, and it briefly registers in Alex's mind. "Alex, are you okay?"
Her head snaps up to Kara and the brunette feels heat flood her cheeks. "Yeah, I just… I dropped my phone, but I found it." She pulls the phone out of her pocket and waves it around a bit, hoping to emphasize her point.
Kara gives a slow nod and Alex feels herself deflate at the worried look carving itself across Kara's face.
After that, Alex shoves her hands in her pockets as they walked, so Kara won't see how much they shake every time Alex sees a man in a dark jacket, any man in a dark jacket, trailing behind them on the crowded streets.
Fifteen minutes later they reach Kara's apartment and while Kara is distracted by changing into pajamas, Alex disappears into the bathroom. She stands in front of the mirror and pushes her hands under the cold water, splashing it against her face and rubbing her eyes. The drops are icy at first, prickling against her skin until the water turns burning hot and colors her hands pink.
She looks up, staring into eyes that she doesn't recognize. Against her cheek she presses a scalding hand, moving it across her face.
Why can't she get any damn better? How much longer can she keep anyone from finding out that she's going crazy?
With a heavy sigh she shoves her hair off her face, unable to break eye contact with her reflection.
She can feel her sanity slipping away just as she had felt consciousness slipping away the first time her kidnapper had drugged her and dragged her to his basement.
Fear and desperation had sprinted through her system. She wanted to fight but it was hopeless and she was so, so tired it was the only thing she could feel through the numbness. The kind of exhaustion that settles in your bones and bears through your body from the inside out.
She turns off the sink, drops her head into her hands, and sucks in a shaky breath.
Something is very wrong.
She wonders how much longer she can do this.
"Alex?" Kara's voice fills the air
Alex takes another glance in the mirror and smooths her hair as she takes a deep breath.
"Are you in there?" Kara asks again.
"Yes," the agent replies. "I'm coming out now."
She cracks open the door and steps out.
Kara spends a moment looking at Alex, gaze lingering with concern.
Alex's stomach flips and she toes her way out of her shoes, discarding them outside the bathroom door.
"I'm pretty tired, is it okay if I skip the movie tonight and just sleep?"
Kara's gaze softens. "Yeah, sure. Of course. Do you want anything before you go to sleep?"
Alex shakes her head, squeezing Kara's outstretched hand. "I'll be fine."
Kara just smiles softly and pulls her sister into a hug.
When the lights go out and Kara retreats to her bedroom, after offering Alex the bed multiple times, Alex can't close her eyes.
Every time she does, the image of her kidnapper burns in her mind. She stares up at the ceiling with tears pooling in her eyes and her heart wreaking havoc in her chest, until fatigue drags her into an hour long slumber.
She wakes with a scream on the edge of her lips, swallows it, and focuses on breathing until her lungs stop shrieking.
This can't go on. This can't go on. This can't go on, she thinks as she turns against the couch, pushes her face into the fabric, and shoves a hand over her mouth, biting down on her pointer finger to keep Kara from hearing the sobs that wrack her body.
Something has to give. She doesn't know when or where of how, but she can't do this anymore. She can't.
She's tormented as she falls back into sleep, but exhaustion grants her enough mercy that she evades nightmares for the last three hours of slumber she manages to get.
/
"Damn it! Where are they?" Alex says, fumbling around the front door as she and Kara are about to leave for the DEO meeting.
"Hey, hey, it's all right," Kara says, appearing by Alex's side and placing a gentle hand on her shoulder. "What are you looking for?"
"My shoes," Alex says. "They're not by the door and I always leave them by the door."
Her words come in a rush, high pitched and nervous as she shifts her weight and twists her fingers together. She doesn't know why this is making her so panicky, but her stomach aches and her body jitters.
Kara disappears for a moment, returning a second later. "Here, I've got them." She hands the shoes to Alex. "You left them by the bathroom door last night, remember?"
Alex exhales and took the shoes. "Oh, right. Thanks."
Kara eyes her sister carefully as she tugs on the black boots, and while they walk out of the apartment Kara can't shake one specific though from her mind.
Something is very wrong.
/
Alex squirms, moving around in her chair at the DEO. They're discussing new protocol and upcoming missions, but considering everything that's happened to Alex it all just feels so trivial and she struggles to focus.
There's a boom behind them, as an agent passing the table drops a weapons case. The metal hits the floor, the clang reverberating through the walls and Alex can feel it vibrating in her ribs.
Her whole body becomes so tense her muscles ache.
Everybody turns around to find the source of the noise, but she can't move.
She squeezes her hands to keep them from shaking.
The agent mutters an embarrassed apology and as he leans over to pick up the case, he stumbles forward, catching himself by placing a hand on Alex's shoulder to stop his fall. She takes a deep breathe.
The smell is too familiar. Strong cologne, sweat, alcohol. She'll never forgot that smell, never stop associating it with fear and pain and him, the man who took her and tortured her and turned her into the broken, shell of a person she is now.
The agent backs away quickly, another apology slipping from his mouth as he grabs the weapons and leaves the room.
Alex can't focus. The room merges into an obscure blur, it all feels distant, like she's reaching out but she can't hang on. She tries to concentrate on the lights, on the conversation continuing around her but it's gone. Everything is gone. Her chest gets tight and her throat closes up. She feels the kidnapper's breath, hot on the back of her neck. It burns.
She needs to get away. She needs to move.
She can't.
Her breathing is faster: short, shallow gasps that make her lungs sting.
"Alex?" Kara says in the distance, but Alex can't hear her. She's too far gone.
The brunette tries to get up, tries to get away, but her legs are weak and she collapses. She falls onto her broken wrist and pain shots up the limb. Her knees meet the floor next and she stays there like that, panting as she crouches on the floor.
Her chest heaves.
"Get out!" Kara yells, as the rest of the agents get up and gather around Alex. "She needs space!"
The shuffle around until Hank gets up, too. "You heard her, move! Let's go, everyone out of the room," he orders.
The yelling is so loud. Alex shakes and presses her chin against her chest. Her hair falls across her face as a sob works its way through her body.
"She's having a panic attack," Hank says calmly, looking at Kara.
"I know what it is," Kara replies, she'd recognized it in an instant. She'd had them before, and every single time, Alex was there to talk her down.
"You need help?"
Kara shakes her head, tugging a hand through her hair and refusing to pull her gaze away from Alex.
Hank nods and leaves the room and Kara shifts her position so she's sitting cross legged in front of Alex, leaving just enough space between them.
Alex can't breathe, can't force air into her lungs. She's going to die. She doesn't know where she is but she can feel her captor's hand on her shoulder, in her hair, moving down her arm, slamming her into a wall and pressing a blade into her skin.
It's all so real.
She's going to die.
She can't breathe, she can't talk, she can't see, she can't move.
Something is very wrong.
She's going to die.
Her heart is pounding in her chest. It's too fast, it's too fast.
Something's wrong.
She's going to die.
She's sobbing and shaking and she doesn't have any control. She's never had any control.
He's in her head, he's on her body, he's cutting her open and breaking her bones and hollowing her soul.
She's going to die.
Tears collect in her eyes and carve paths across her cheeks. They gather at her jaw and drip to the floor. She's slipped from her crouched position and pulls her knees to her chest. Kara's gently repeating her name. Alex can't hear.
She's choking. She's trembling. She's going to be sick. She's going to die. He's going to kill her.
It's dark. She can't see. He's close and she knows it. She can feel it. She's ice cold.
She's rocking and bawling and she's supposed to be doing something, but she can't.
She messed up, she failed, she's going to die.
"Alex, you're safe. Alex, you're okay. Alex, you're so, so strong. Alex, no one is going to hurt you."
Alex. Alex. Alex. There's a voice somewhere, it's calling her name, it's breaking through and it's warm and soft even though it's crackling and she can barely hear it.
She thinks it might be lying.
She's going to die.
She tries to focus on her breathing. It's no use. She's gasping for air but she can't seem to get any. There's fire in her lungs and fire in her head.
She doesn't want to die.
"Alex, I know what you're going through right now is scary, but you're safe. You're in a safe place. I won't let anything happen to you."
Kara. The voice is Kara. Kara is safe, Kara is home. Kara doesn't lie.
Alex latches on. She reaches out and grasps onto Kara's hand. It's a lifeline. Alex knows that touch anywhere.
The basement she'd been chained in begins to fade and a fuzzy version of Kara is in front of her, holding her hand.
Alex's hand quivers against Kara's, her fingers cold and her palms wet with sweat.
"Squeeze my hand if you can hear me."
Weakly, Alex tightens her fingers around Kara. "Good girl," the blonde coos and holds out her other hand. "Can you count my fingers?"
Alex sobs and looks at Kara's hand. Her vision is blurry through the tears; she reaches out and taps each finger as she counts. "One… two… three… four… five," she wheezes and slumps back.
"Can't breathe," she manages.
"That's okay, don't worry," Kara says and her voice is calm and slow. Alex feels like crying and then realizes that she is. "We'll breathe together, match yours with mine, okay?"
Alex's bottom lip quivers as she nods, but she follows Kara's instructions, exhaling and inhaling until her lungs stop screaming and she feels her body begin to calm.
"Here, we'll count again," Kara says, extending her forearm and guiding Alex's fingers so that they're pressed against the blonde's wrist. "Feel my pulse?"
Alex nods without looking Kara in the eye.
"Perfect. Count each heartbeat."
Alex does. She counts and she counts and she doesn't feel so much like she's going to die anymore. Slowly, she uncurls herself, pulls her legs away from her chest and sits back. She doesn't stop counting and even though she can't stop crying her tears slow into a steady stream down her cheeks.
"Good job," Kara says when Alex reaches two hundred. "You're doing great."
Alex nods again and they keep going. Kara has come fully into focus now, her outline sharp, her presence tangible and real. Alex sneaks a glance up at her.
Kara catches Alex's gaze, takes in her sister's watery brown eyes, puffy and red. Her heart aches at the tear stained cheeks and the trembling bottom lip pulled into a frown.
Alex leans forward so that her forehead crashes into Kara's shoulder, she takes a few breaths before launching her arms around Kara and hugging her tightly. "I'm sorry," she breathes against Kara's tear soaked shirt. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry."
She thinks she might be free, like she might finally be out of it all.
Her chest heaves against Kara, each cry wracking her frame.
"There's nothing to be sorry about," Kara murmurs softly into Alex's hair, kissing her sister's head and rubbing circles across her back.
"I've been try-trying so long not to f-fall apart because I d-didn't want you to see h-how messed up I am n-now. I was so sc-scared you'd see me d-differently."
Kara hugs Alex closer, cradling the back of her head and smoothing her hair. "No, Alex, never. My brave, beautiful, sweet, strong big sister, I won't ever see you differently."
Alex sobs, this time from relief as she burrows against Kara's neck. "Something's wrong with me," she whispers. "I'm not how I'm supposed to be."
"Then we'll fix it," Kara says with so much conviction that Alex believes her. "I've got you, okay? I'm by your side. We're going to get through this."
"Okay," Alex says as fatigue pulls her drooping eyes closed and she snuggles closer against Kara, curling a loose fist around her sister's hair. She knows that something's very wrong, but she also knows that it's going to get better, so for the first time in weeks she relaxes against Kara and lets sleep take her.